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Its official I just hate hate hate hate this life without my Helen.  Cancer snatched Helen from me 30th June and I thought I was doing OK, but every day is getting so more wearisome.  I go out, I talk to people, I talk to my 2 sons and I have a laugh and a joke but in those lonesome days and late at night, like now, I just miss her so much. I want her back but know that can't happen, but it dos'nt stop me wanting. 

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Helens Ray,

What you expressed helped me today. Thank you. This stinks!

Oh, I am so sorry for your loss HelensRay, unfortunately we are all with you in this. Sometimes its like you are going thru the motions when going out - just not totally involved. I too lost my everything to cancer. We so want them back, but not with the illness that took them away. Like Mandy said, it stinks, really, really stinks.

Hi HelensRay,  I absolutely am where you are.  I lost my Charlie, also to cancer, Feb. 24, and life just keeps getting more difficult and hopeless.  I'm tired of doing everything large and small by myself.  I miss him like crazy.  I too have family and friends and do limited socializing, go to the gym, etc.,  but all my old ways of coping flat out don't work.  I know your pain and wish there were some way I could help us both.  I hope you can find some peace, even for a few minutes each day.

Have had a strange experience this evening.  Have a had quite a boozy weekend, out last night to a gentleman's evening at the the rugby club, too much to drink and don't really remember getting home.  Back to the rugby club this afternoon, again a bit to much to drink but had a good time.  Got home, made a sandwich and sat down with a small (!?) whiskey.  My mind wandered to Helen and I was transported back to earlier times and it was more like an out of body experience, it was just like Helen and I were there, in Spain, Germany, Portugal - it was really lovely. Then reality broke in, but I did resist it - I was  so happy in such a long time.  Obviously reality has to kick in, but those 5 to 10 minutes were really nice

Well Ray I believe in things I never used too although I knew lots already  about the supernatural world of the Holy Spirit ,and Gods spirit is a loving Gentleman so no fear involved ever there. Losing a lifes partenar is losing someone that we are still connected too, so it is only natural that Spirit would seek to comfort ,guide ,heal all parts of that union. Our "other" half may have left, but love never dies.......Enjoy and remember those moments Ray.

Hi Ray,

I am sorry for your loss and I get where you are coming from when you say you miss your Helen.

Mu husband Bobby fought Cancer and in the beginning survival looked promising. It was months and weeks of so many invasive treatments and major surgery, all done with the hope of surviving the demonic disease.( Bobby left on July 2nd,2017)

Wearisome is good word you chose.......That is how I feel, so weary and also handicapped, like not only has my mind (emotions) been changed but physically I feel heavy and clumsy. .Some days and nights are veiled in some normality, other days and long nights ,yearning, pining, numb, frustrated. I miss him so much.

It is ok to want Helen back Ray!..We never wanted them gone! Like anyone bothered to listen huh....Keep talking and sharing. It helps to know others care, then this crap ass walk dont seem so helpless.

So like your words Carmen.  Am spending Christmas with my sons (Lee till boxing day, then David for a few days) I want to be here but I want it to be over, seems crazy.  Lee is so supportive but I know he would'nt cope if I broke down not that I feel that bad at present but its at the back of my mind.  So so sorry about Bobby, to go through the fight and a good end seeming possible to then be snatched away.  Take care of yourself Carmen as well as you can and wish you love and best wishes for the next few days.  Ray

Hi Ray well here we are ,first Christmas over without our soulmates. My emotions were a bit wobbly in the days leading up to Christmas, did my best to avoid the hyper mania in malls ,and Christmas Eve sad for me, because my hubby used to have this thing where he would let me open up one of my xmas gifts ( we usually got each other a couple of things) anyway.....it hit me, softly at first then the full meltdown...Christmas wreck and we hadnt even got to Christmas Day...Oh Lord.! I took half a sleeping pill, whispered I love you's to my Bobby and woke up about 6am. Christmas morning I felt ok, made some food dishes to take to the B-B-Q....(small family gathering)....was an ok day. A good kind of tired (for a change).

2018...Watch this space. Ha!

I hope you are doing ok, one day at a time or whatever works for you Ray.

Take Care!

As you say Carmen that's the first Christmas over with and I really am glad it's over. Like you it was OK and it was good to see the boys, but I just felt that I was on the outside looking in.  It also grieves me to say that I seem to be getting use to being alone, but definitely not getting used to the loneliness (if that makes sense!).  I have managed the Christmas period with the use of sleep aid tablets and am now starting to sleep without them every day, but I do find that when I don't sleep well my resistance to being sorry for myself diminishes quite a bit. 

I have also had another first as it was Helen's birthday last Sunday (14th).  The day went OK, I went out to lunch with Helen's sister and then went to visit Helen's mother who is in hospital, she had a hip replacement last Thursday. Unfortunately that's when things went a little wobbly.  I just wanted to get out of there.

It is just so cold here at present that I seem to being spending so much time in doors that I really haven't taken on 2018 as yet - but as you say watch this space.  I did start looking at a potential holiday break in the near future, but just froze up and left that until another time.

It was really lovely to get your contact Carmen, thank you so much, best wishes and love for the future

Happy belated Birthday wishes to Helen for the the 14th of Jan! and well done you my friend.Sounds like you focused your love for your sweetheart by loving others, How proud Helen must be of you right now!

My Bobby  and I ,have birthdays on the same exact day. I remember years ago when we met all gooey-eyed and thinking ,wow this guy can never forget my birthday now ,lol. Who woulda thought that a sweet memory could be literally up to the gods now. God.My mind will have to get creative come May,because this grief thing is like a series of mini mind wars, I tell you! Optimistically they become less intense plus I think we get better at managing some (not all) of the emotions a little better.

You are right being alone is not the same as being lonely. 

I feel a deep loneliness from a void that only Bobby filled. A couple of friends hinted that I need to get out more, actually I am probably more active than they are ,but I know what they were suggesting, and I wanted to smack one of them. I told her ,Im lonely for Bobby ,not just anyone, especially not the housewife's of ( insert any city here) Hahaha.

I guess I need to work on my attitude a little while longer huh. Well the thing is I used to be this happy go lucky,peace loving, caring person.

Now after months of care-giving,medical people,do,do,do I just feel Nah Im not doing stupidity anymore!

Sleeping meds, or whatever a person needs to get through an hour a day a night ,why not. I know what you mean too re self care ( doesnt that sound sooo professional) lol, but its true, I am not too proud to say I needed help for a broken heart ,just in the same was a person needs help when they break a leg.

((Hugs)) back at ya fellow soldier. May joy and peace be your constant friends!

I absolutely know the feeling.

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