My husband died January 23rd 2018 after a long battle with Parkinson’s disease and the dementia that comes with it. I cared for him so long that I cannot go on without him. I saw him die and think I should have done more. I did not know pain like this existed. It is all consuming and over whelming. My head hurts so bad from crying all the time. I just want my life to be over so the pain will stop. I also do not know how to use this site.
My heart goes out to you, Gamblerhodesclark. The pain of early grief is so brutal. My husband died five months ago after a hard battle with stomach cancer. In the first couple of months I too relived all the days my husband was sick, I cried, and I wondered if I could have done more. I replayed his death over and over. It's just what the brain has to do, I think. It seems impossible to comprehend the reality of death; even when I knew it was coming it was shocking to me. I am still very, very sad, but the terrible pain is very slowly easing. I don't cry all day, every day anymore.
Adjusting to life without him when every minute of my day was taking care of and cheering for him is not easy. I do not know what my life will be like, going forward. I do know that I am still here! :)
Keep reading other people's posts here and be kind to yourself. Take your time. Grief is on its own timeframe.
I'm truly so sorry for your loss, Gamblerhodesclark. I'm only entering day 4 of LAM (life after Michael) so I can't offer much advice, just my heartfelt sympathy. Like you I nursed my husband at home through a long illness, the last 2 years being pretty bad, and I'm also feeling so guilty that I could have somehow done more. I wasn't even with him when he went. He had been in the hospital for 5 days. He seemed stable and was resting and had a sitter with him so I just popped home for 15 minutes to feed my dog and when I walked in the house the phone was ringing; the hospital telling me he was gone. I can't bear that he died alone, that mine was not the last face he saw when he slipped away. No one at the hospital can even tell me if it was peaceful. The sitter disappeared. I'm sobbing as a write this. People keep sending me condolences saying "I know how you feel, I know what it's like to lose a loved one" but no one who hasn't been through it knows the unbearable pain of losing your soul mate. Just keep staying in touch. I, too, have no clue about getting around sites like this but we seem to be managing. Giving you a great big bear hug now - Snow.
Snow, when my husband died I was the last face he saw and I still think I did not do enough. His eyes were wide open and I was trying with my daughter to move him to another bed due to all the bed soars that where starting up that morning. I did not know what I was looking at but there were pools of blood under his skin forming on his back and I panicked. So he just looked at me and his head feel forward and he died at that moment. I started to try to revive him but my daughter stopped me and said he is gone mom. I’ve been crying ever since. I hope there is an heaven because I need to see him again so bad.
I'm so sorry for your pain. I was so oblivious to all the invisible suffering around me until it happened to me, now I see how many people there are struggling with this grief. The pain is unbearable. I did some grocery shopping today, thought I was doing ok, and then just started crying like a baby in the middle of the store. It just all seemed so pointless. Is it worth loving someone so much, when this is how it ends?
I wholeheartedly feel that it is indeed worth loving someone so much- even with the immense pain. We are so incredibly lucky to have had that love- many people never experience it.
I agree with all that has been shared here along with what you said yourself. The gut wrenching sadness. It's insane at first. That gut wrenching sadness. I lost my 49 year old husband a little over 8 months ago- also to a battle with cancer. A battle we fought for 21 months. I will also agree with what someone said that the grieving is so personal and so different for all of us. Some of us need people there and some of us do not. Some of us need to curl up in a ball and some of us do not. Some of us get out and away and some of us need to stay close to home. It's all different for all of us and there is no right or wrong in any of it. Please be kind to yourself. Make sure you talk if you need to talk. Make sure you talk about Owen and his battle and even his death if you need to talk about that. Make sure you sleep and eat as best you can. Grieving is also work so please take care of you. I will say from personal experience that it all comes and goes in waves....doing ok one moment, crying the next. Feeling like you can move on one moment and then thinking how can I possibly move forward the next. We are all here for you and all understand what you are going through. Let us help.