Members

This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I seem to be fixated on this thought - who am I?  I honestly don't know.  We were together for my entire adult life.  I don't know what I like to eat, watch on tv, my clothing style, or even my favorite color.  I know what we liked to eat, watch on tv and what he said I looked good in.  But me - I don't have a clue.  What I liked was what made him happy, or his face light up with pleasure.  How can I be in my 50s and not know even the most basic things about myself?  Its like I never really existed and I'm just the figment of someone else's imagination, a character in a book.  He's been gone for 4 weeks, and I just keep asking myself this question over and over, who am I?

Views: 199

Replies to This Discussion

I know exactly how you feel.

I lived at home until the day I married Tom at age 20. For 42 years of my life it was "we" everything. I too, wore what he liked me in, I watched what he watched on TV, listened to what he listened to on the radio, cooked what he liked. My whole world was Tom. I needed to buy some new underwear a few weeks ago, I didn't know how to do it. He wasn't there to say I like this one or I like that color. I've never picked out a pair of undies in a color that I particularly liked.

I tell people that on January 2, 2017 at 7:00 am Tom Lewis died but so did Mary Beth Lewis. At 7:01 a new Mary Beth was born but I have no clue who she is.

For me it is a scary, sick fear. I don't know how to fix it and I know millions of other women have gone through the same thing and came out ok, but I don't know how to do it.

Hugs to you.

We lost our husbands on the same day. My "babe", Mark passed on January 2 2017 around 9pm. What an awful day that was. 

I relate to this Leeky. I feel like I've lost my identity when my husband died. Who was I before him? I wear the clothes I remember him complementing me on. With food, I waiver between eating only what "we" liked and wanting to avoid what "we" liked because it is a painful reminder that he isn't here to enjoy it with me. The same goes for movies, TV shows, etc. I don't even know how to spend my free time without him. I'm paralyzed. My husband has been gone 12 weeks and 4 days. I hope I find a new normal. One where I know what I like, what I want, what I like to wear, etc. At the same time, I don't want to change. I liked who I was, who we were together. It's a horrible thing to be thrown into. To be forced to rewrite our lives. Sorry I'm not much help. I just relate to you completely. Hugs.
Oh, such a great question. Ok,I'm a widow, but single? I don't want to even say it and I sure don't feel that I'm single. I'm still married to the man I love. I still think of myself as part of a couple. My identity has been stolen and I so want my old one back..

Like mcbeth said, millions before us have been thru the same thing and came out ok, I guess we will find our way down that road

I absolutely hate being called single. I have a young son, but I can't stand thinking of myself as a single mother. I prefer the term solo parent, because I no longer have anyone to share the parenting responsibilities with, but am not single. I'm not looking for love, I still wear my wedding ring and think about my hubby constantly. I loved feeling like a was part of an awesome partnership and always having girlfriends tell me how lucky I was to have such a great guy. I defined myself as one half of Mark and Ashley, not just Ashley. I've always had an interest in traveling and that was something Mark and I did a lot of before our little one came along. Now I don't really have anyone to travel with and traveling solo with a toddler is just not fun. If I had a good travel buddy, plenty of money, and a job that allowed a lot of time off I think this would be a lot easier on me. I'd still miss Mark like crazy, but maybe I wouldn't think about my loss constantly like I do now and always compare my crappy life to other people who seem to have it so much easier. I joined a single moms group on facebook but I don't think it's helping anything, because most of what they talk about is baby daddy drama, or how to co parent. Just makes me angry that those idiots are still alive and my Mark who was a wonderful father isn't. Mark did more with our son while he was battling cancer than some of those dead beat dads that the women in the single moms group bitch about do while they are healthy. 

I can relate. I only been to the grocery store once since he passed 02/26/17. I found myself going on auto pilot and reaching for all his favorite foods. I didn't know what to buy. My life revolved around him, I identified myself as Mrs. ---- Brown. I still wear my wedding ring and now wear his too.I had to cancel his email account 2 days ago and it sent me into a tailspin. I wasn't ready to do that, but was forced to. People treat me different. I am different. I feel naked in public. He had such a "larger than life" personality and I was the quiet one. The homebody. I was content in "our own little world", I felt loved and protected. I gave him my good years , my beautiful years. Now I feel like an empty husk of the person I used to be. 

I was 19 when we got married...47 years ago.  And now he's gone from our house. (March 30)  Well, yes, he's here..everywhere.  I can totally relate to your feelings, Leeky.  I just posted on another forum about music..   Listening to music was part of our lives and I find I can't listen anymore without crying.     I do remember things he especially liked with fondness, as if it's close to my heart.

I think we will find our way, but they will always be with us.  ---  B

 

I can relate too, as I loved to be his wife. I was more independent than some of you who responded and as for clothing I am honoring the old tradition of my country and wear mostly black for a year-it makes buying clothes a bit easier as they are not supposed to be fun, just appropriate... but I do still get that feeling :why bother buying a nice dress for the office if he won't see me in it? And thinking "he would have loved me in that dress" just brings tears into my eyes as yes, the dress is flattering, I lost tons of weight because of his death but... I would have never bought black and white dress to show off to him as he loved me in vibrant colors.

I almost stopped watching tv-it was his thing, going places is painful. If we go somewhere we used to go with him-memories sometimes hurt. If we go somewhere new-I feel like I am doing something wrong. If it is a kind of a place he would not want to go to (a restaurant or a coffee shop) I almost feel like I am dishonoring him or doing something to be mean to him.

I also do not want to be called a "single mom"-that implies that the father of the child is still somewhere there and it is so painfully not true. And to most women it implies a divorce, or that the father of my child decided to do not marry me at all-not my story at all. Don't get me wrong, I admire and respect single mothers but I cannot relate. My husband welcomed our daughter, he was a fantastic father and was taken away from her and from me and I know he didn't want to abandon us. As strange as it sounds I call myself a widow with a child.

I've loved my wife for 26 years, married for 24. 4 daughters, 2 granddaughters. Recently empty nesters. We found out she had cancer this past January and she just passed July 3rd. And I don't know what to do.
From thinking "we" to "me" is difficult at best. I'm a guy so naturally I want organize my way threw this "event" but I'm learning it doesn't work that way for me. My emotions rule the day. I have to ask myself if I can handle going to the store ? Will I run into some friends, hear more sympathies that I cannot handle?
I'm recently disabled so I am home full-time, so I spend my day sitting in the chair with my wife's little dog, who is by the way grieving himself to death, and I Ponder on past and present and occasionally the future.
I can't listen to the radio without hearing songs we liked. I can't watch TV for the same reason. But I've not had any interest in finding a diversion. It's as if my brain wants to do nothing but process. No distractions allowed.
I am literally surrounded by choices that my wife has made for many years. The furniture I sit on to a throw rug I walk over. The dishes I eat off of, to the bed I sleep on. Literally everything inside my home or out in our yard, she had her hand on.
My wife even picked out my clothing, what she thought I looked best in. I haven't picked clothing for myself in decades. My wife was an encyclopedia when it came to knowing what I liked to eat. If we went out to dinner, yes I picked my food but she would remind me of what salad dressing I would like best. The planned future that has been in my mind for years is no longer available. What will I possibly do? I honestly have no idea. Motivation is at an all-time low, as well as confidence.
So the big scary question is what will I do now ? So it turns out that your question is also my question. Who am I ?

I can relate to this Leeky.  I tried to explain to people that Dennis held my hand no matter where we were.  Walking down the street, the mall, party, even walking into Publix.  Now there is nobody holding my hand and it feels as if part of me was chopped off and is missing.  I had to go to Lowes the other day and just walking in made me feel sick.  The smell of the place reminded me of Dennis because he did all the house stuff.  I almost had to walk out.  I sucked it up and did what I had to do and thought that he would of been proud of me.

RSS

© 2017   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service