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Hi,

It has been less than two months since my wife died and I have been trying to figure out how/why my wife got a one in a million disease like Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. I keep running it over and over in my head. How could this happen? Why did it happen? Why would such a good person have this happen to them? Could I have somehow prevented it if I knew more?

Do other people go through this questioning? Am I wasting my time trying to figure it all out? If people do question these things do they eventually let go and just accept that it happened for no reason?

Sorry for all the questions but right now my life is all questions that seem to have no good answers. 

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You are not wasting your time. You are a grieving human being.  We want and work for answers to try and make sense of our loss. However, many of our questions will not be answered until it's our turn to be called home.  I am close to the year anniversary of the loss of my fiancé and I still struggle with the question of why and could I have done something but in the end, I am met with silence. Acceptance is difficult because I like to feel in control, and his death goes against that. Somehow, we just have to pick up the pieces and try and put ourselves back together again. Just one breath at a time.  Don't be afraid to lean on friends, family and grief support groups like this one. Eventually things will get a tiny bit easier.  Sending hugs.

I am so sorry for your recent loss, Mike. Questions. They can plague us. It's natural. At least those are my findings from here, in-person grief groups and my grief counselor. Your post made brought a subtle smile to my face because here I am just 16 days from 6 months and just this morning, I was asking myself similar questions.

Your post made brought a subtle smile to my face because here I am just 16 days from 6 months and just this morning, I was asking myself similar questions. Marty, my husband of 47 years, grateful he was in my life for 49 years, died 42 days after routine hip surgery. Doctors kept suspecting pain meds causing his difficulty breathing, poor appetite, etc. the first 10 days home doing rehab. But it didn't get better. Emergency room visit 2 am Aug 1 and then Aug 4, Nightingale to Cardiac ICU for the next 28 days. Official death Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. Unofficially his own suspicions the first day, SEPSIS.

Right now, there is no way to ever know. I can't answer are you wasting your time. As you say with your wife's rare disease, no good answers. Just questions that for me have played less and less in my mind, making room for other deep, painful emotions.

Again, I am so sorry Mike.

Mike, don't know about other people but I am with you in that I spent so much time thinking what else I could have done to prevent Helen leaving me. Helen passed away 30th June.  I later had visits two or three times from the hospice nurse and on the one visit she could see I was suffering from this guilt thing and she said "Ray only seeing you for those two weeks before Helen passed if you could have prevented it happening you would have".  Now she may say that to all but it did help me a little then.  I now know there was nothing that could be done to prevent what happened, at least I could not have done more.  Mike just ask away with those questions, let out what you feel.  Those things rattle around in your mind like worms, I have found that getting them out does release you. So sorry for your loss, but use this site, if I hadn't I think I would have needed counselling.

Dear Mike:

I have been asking me those questions every day since my dear husband passed away one year ago at 47. He was a wonderful man who did not smoke, drink or use drugs that was gone in one and a half month since diagnosed with liver cirrhosis.  What is happening to us is part of the grieving process. It is hard, but it is necessary to the healing process. 

I cannot and will not understand why this awful things happen to good people. Life is not fair. Counseling and antidepressants have been helpful.  This site has been a godsend because people really understand what we are feeling. There is hope, Mike. 

Hugs to you.

Ixia

Hi Mike.

I would think we all go through some sort of similar questions in our heads.  At age 47 my husband was told he was had a rare form of cancer, terminal, that affects a very small percent of the population and 80+% of the time in men in there 70's and 80's. He died at age 49. Why him?  Why cancer?  Why this kind?  Why this YOUNG? He never smoked, he was in good shape, ate healthy, took care of himself....Why?  He was a great husband and father and worked hard and was fantastic at what he did....why him? Is there more we could have done?  Alternative medicines, maybe not this type of chemo...what if we had tried something else....?  During his treatment and towards the end....was he able to do the things he wanted to do? Did I do all I could? Was he in pain? Did I say I love you enough times?  Did he know for sure?

I think if we allow ourselves to keep asking these questions we may very well make ourselves crazy.  I think we all do  it though- especially in the beginning.  I am almost 9 months out from losing my husband John.  He was my everything, the father of my children, my best friend.  How and Why could this happen to such a good man? I think time allows us to maybe stop asking why and instead allows us to start remembering the good.  I don't want to be sad forever all the time about him.  I want to remember his laugh and his smile.  I want to think of him and remember his goofiness and his love. I have to believe I did everything I could and he did too.  We tried our best and did everything we thought was best at that time.  To keep asking myself why questions simply makes me sad and confused and unable to accept what has happened.   

I love that man with every ounce of my being and I will forever.  I feel he is still here with me and would want me to live this life I have here. I feel I will never forget what has happened.  I will never forget him....but I want to find joy again.  I want to smile and laugh and be happy.  I feel he would want me to do that and not sit and dwell in something I cannot possibly fix or really ever know the answer to.  You will get there, Mike.  When you are ready.  And nothing you do while you grieve the loss of your wife is wrong.  We all grieve in our own way and in our own time.  My best to you.

I would honestly think if you hadn't asked why then maybe you weren't normal.  But then everyone finds their own way through this.  I know I did some soul searching right after my wife died.  Could I have questioned the doctors more? Could I have asked for more tests earlier? ... But the reality is that no matter how many questions I asked, or how many more tests, which my wife hated, I asked for, I was likely to end up in almost the same place.  There are still some things we can not fix.  

I am 3 months 1 day out from losing my wife and really 2/3rds of my life.  I spend days just sitting at home doing next to nothing and knowing that my wife would never have tolerated that.  Slowly I am starting to piece together things but it is so hard.  That said, I don't know if I will ever let go of the questions that swirl within my head, but I think I may simply learn to live with them there knowing I did what I could and my wife fought as hard as she could for as long as she could.  We all knew life was finite, it is just unfortunate when we lose someone too soon...but no matter when it was, it would have been too soon.  I wish I had gone first, but that is selfish of me, wanting to not have to deal with this pain, only it would have meant she would have had to.  

So really - It happens because sometimes bad things happen to great people; It is unlikely you could have done anything to prevent it; Many of us think through these very same questions; This is your time to try to put yourself into some form of order, as long as it doesn't become unhealthy for you, you need the time to grieve; Letting go is probably not in my vocabulary, but acceptance is likely where I am heading.  

As to the questions, ask any you want, that is why this place is here. 

Im sorry for your loss Mike.

Never opologise for your questions,

Sadly your grief,shock, state of mind is pefectly normal , an oxymoron since we life in such an imperfect world.

2 months is not long at all to lose a precious soulmate!

Shock ie Questions, Frustration, Irritation, Helplessness , all part of the grief process.

Unfortuanlely our emotions dont follow a linear line and I know for me at least, the feeling and strong thoughts of "This surely didnt just happen"", or ""I know hes gone,but I just cant beleive it"..As the hours turned into days ,my mind questioned so many medical issues,procedures,successful surgeries only to be followed by dire results...(ie Cancer Metastizing)...Did cutting into tumors cause them to multiply?....Why did we have to bring changes to their (Medical) attention?. Why wasnt the team onto it?....Oh Mike so many questions raced through my mind, some stayed, some didnt ,and some reformed.

I jumped like a faulty electical current between the lines of shock and anger around month 2,an 3....Those emotions waned for the next 2 months ,then appeared again as Anger, not full on violence, more critical,judgemnentl, low tolerance for stupidiy or arraogance,bitterness and anger.

I also started cussing. I liked that. It helped.

It has been almost 7 months for me now. The questions are still there,but their urgency not as intense now. Of course shock dominated my world for days and weeks unpredictably as I feel it might be for you right now..

I dont think the frustration ever completely passes, but we adapt ,slowly and somehow for me at least I chose only one battle at a time ( mentally) and I even break that up so I can breathe and keep some good energy in my tank.

Also Mike as hard as it is, make yourself focus on key phrases (unique for you) to help manage ""this shock period". A word or saying that your wife said alot or loved, and let her help you through this lonely sad time.Remember your love for each other has not died.!....p.s Questions are ok, all emotions are ok, grief fucking sucks......((Hugss))

I’m so very sorry for your loss Mike. The questioning you’re going through is common to all of us, an endless loop in our heads. My husband passed away 4 months ago, and I’ll always have questions about medical decisions that were made. . He passed as a result of a hospital induced infection after heart surgery less than 2 months before. I don’t expect to find peace with it, but I live in hopes that as time goes by, the pain of how unnecessary it was will lessen.

I’m happy you have found this wonderful group in which to share your pain. It’s so comforting to know we are not alone. Take care of yourself and reach out to friends and family, a counselor or local group. My best to you.

Mike, I'm less than 2 months out as well.  Jerry had a massive heart attack very unexpectedly.  I have all the same questions you do.  I think it's normal, we are trying to make sense of the trauma.  I think its part shock, guilt, and just plain grief as to why we ask these questions.  

I don't think you're wasting time its part of the process.  I am not sure there are any real/right answers as to the why of it all.  For me personally, I believe there is a reason.  I may never know it, or maybe I'll see it someday.  Same for you.  

I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you all the best in your search for peace of mind and of heart. 

Hi Mike

I go through those questions more times than I would like to admit..... My husband was killed on November 15, 2017 by a man who thought he could beat the red.... anyway, I have asked the same questions many times, to many people, and even just out loud thinking god might give me an answer, no one has the answers, at least I haven't received any other than: it was his time, it was an excuse from god, it was the wrong place at the wrong time; But no solid answer. 

I even thought the medical report, the witnesses record, the police record would explain something, but NOTHING. It actually caused me mental harm, I would replay the sequence of events, what I could have done, or why didn't I call him to delay him from leaving work, or why didn't I go to see him at lunch, so many what if i had done this or that. Sadly no answers. It drove me nuts, and some days it still does. 

Literally I would and do replay the events, seeing the pictures from the accident didn't help with that either because I just kept thinking ok so this is the impact of the car, exactly how he went flying off, and where his body landed, how did the first responders get there, what did they do, or the way he looked when I saw his lifeless body, who decided what hospital he would be taken to, why wasn't he taken to the better hospital, maybe they could have saved him. I kept thinking did he fight, did he remember me and think to fight, maybe he didn't fight hard enough, maybe he just didn't love me enough to fight to stay alive. 

Oh and the things the other driver said, how was it possible the police believed him, its because my husband is dead and can't tell his side of the story.  Why didn't the guy brake? or what was the rush that he would try to beat a light? So many questions. 

I will never know what really happened, what my husband was thinking, did he feel it, did he see the van coming, did he even breathe? Maybe the day I'm reunited with him, that will be the only time I will get any answers, if it even matters anymore. Nothing will bring him back, nothing, Today I started feeling the onset of a cold/flu, deep down inside I hope it kills me since that is what the news has been reporting, deadly flu outbreak. 

I am sorry you are having to go thru this, it sucks, it really freaking sucks.

Mike I can relate. My husband Danny died of Langerhans cell sarcoma, a very rare horrible cancer that not even 100 people have ever had. He was a retired teacher and taught gym. He never smoked or drank much, healthy and trim. I ask myself why as well. I feel so bad for him. He went through chemo so well and really never complained. I did my best to be his health advocate and support and love him. It was hard. I am sure you understand. I feel like the rug was pulled out from us. Please try to accept whta has happened. I am trying hard but it’s a struggle somedays. Can’t bare to hear people complain of little aches and pains. Urgh. When I think of what happened it sometime feels like a nightmare and I just want to wake up. One thing that does bring me peace is that Danny was only sick for a year and never had any horrible pain until the very end. When I see people suffering and living in wheelchairs I just think oh my that must be so horrible. Danny would have hated that. I guess he was lucky???? Try hard to have a good day. I know your heart is broken. 

Mike, I totally relate to your feelings and am so sorry for your loss.  It's been almost 5 months since I lost my husband to a rare cancer (bile duct). He was StageIV, inoperable at diagnosis.  He endured chemo and fought a battle he knew he couldn't win for 18 months.  I still wonder if I missed symptoms that might have led to an earlier diagnosis.  Did I research enough trials or get enough opinions.  I've stayed in all of the support groups for his type of cancer and oddly enough seeing the new information and following the new research has helped ease my mind some.  I'm sure I will always wonder but I hope as time goes on it will happen less often.  I will love my husband for the rest of my life and would have given and done anything to make him well.  The hardest thing for me was to feel so helpless, there was nothing I could do to change things or make him better.  I also try to remember my fathers belief that on the day we're born God turns the pages in his book and puts our name on the date we'll die and it doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing when that day comes it's your time to go. Even though I don't consider myself to be overly religious this helps me get through some of the more difficult days  You're not wasting your time, you're grieving the loss of someone you loved.  I can't speak for everyone but I know I'm not the same person I was.  I go through the motions every day, but I feel lost and empty.  Be kind to yourself Mike, ask all the questions you need to ask and do whatever helps you get through this horrible grief.

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