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Widowed in 2017

We're so sorry you have a reason to join us. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

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We are grateful you found us so soon after your loss, but until this group grows please feel free to also join the Widowed in 2016 group. There are active conversations there with others in their first year of loss.

Members: 175
Latest Activity: on Sunday

Discussion Forum

Making new friends

Started by Mike. Last reply by Isaiah4031 Sep 19. 23 Replies

I read a lot about people who have a great support group of family and friends. But my wife was my best friend and my family is far away. So my support group is digital, either online or on the…Continue

6weeks out and overwhelming sadness

Started by Luv4Z. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Jul 20. 9 Replies

Today I have an overwhelming sadness . Im sure this is not a stranger to anyone on this site. I get so sad all of sudden . I have 4 kids under the age of 12 and they see me crying every day. I try to…Continue

A Ton of Bricks

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by Shoosie2 May 24. 7 Replies

Hi everyoneTomorrow is the 4 1/2 month mark that my Rick left his 'earth-suit' , and it's just really hitting me hard that my Rick won't ever be back. Ever. I tried to get that through my mind and…Continue

Has Anyone had any 'Strange' things happen in your house since your spouse passed?

Started by Shoosie2. Last reply by SweetMelissa2007 Apr 17. 12 Replies

Good Morning EveryoneI haven't had much of a chance to post anything recently, but I do read everything. I just had to ask this question. Two days after my Rick passed, December 20, 2017, I was…Continue

Comment Wall


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Comment by InsideLove on November 8, 2017 at 6:43am

needsalife: Truer words we won't find elsewhere or even in most books around grief. 

My husband's death was unexpected and sudden - what was a routine hip surgery on July 17 only brought him 2 weeks home for a truly loving caregiving time as he told me. Then a 911 call on July 31 because he couldn't breathe, the treatments over 28 days failed, and he died on Aug 28. 

I'm a book lover however, I am going slowly with books to help me through this. Most of them have practical tips and ideas to "get through" this. The thing is I know intuitively, this is not something to get through. Not when despite downs, ups, arguments, loving times, we won't ever that that person who made it so, with us again. Ever. If you like books to help you expand the why of only being in a tribe such as we are in here, reluctantly, my favorite is It's OK That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand, by Megan Devine. More than so far 2 other books I read (one given to me by my counselor) our culture is a fix-it culture. We are told we need to "rise above", even sometimes encouraged to "deny" any pain. This mindset makes mostly those believing such stances, feel better while we, the ones living in the grief, can feel belittled, put down, and even shamed.

I thought I had a strong faith and that over the years there have been situations it has served me. But in some cases like now, some of it isn't helpful. For me, I cry at home, at the bank where I have to close his account, at the lawyers where our trust has to end as it was and changed to what will be, with friends who won't talk about him (who knows why because I always do). I just never was good at hiding my feelings so why start now?

This kind of insight in, It's OK, is what got me to this community: "The real cutting edge of growth and development is in hurting with each other. It's in companionship, not correction." That's what I feel here. A connection. A cry from many like me here that say, this will never make any sense. The best I can do is hope and pray for some little space to open up in my grief so that I can live in it with a little less pain. Eventually. Maybe even years from now. I don't know.

Thank you, and all here, for just letting me complain about this unreal pain.

Comment by adoption1964 (Kim) on November 8, 2017 at 5:39am

needsalife:  Very well said.  I can relate to every word.  I read peoples posts and like others I can totally relate to them. God's plan really.  I had my family tell me you are young you will find love again.  Really because that is the last thing I am thinking about.  I married at 37 and was married 15 years.  My husband was 61 and passed of Stage IV Kidney Cancer, I wish cancer on no one.  The feelings you have through the whole process ugh.  I have you find some friends.  It is very hard to find friends that understand us and ones that we want to be around.

Comment by Doug02122014 on November 7, 2017 at 8:06pm
needsalife, (Mindy)

Hey I sent you a friend invite to offer some resources via Widville mail. Let me know if I can help.
Comment by needsalife on November 7, 2017 at 7:44pm

OMG if I hear God has a plan one more time I'm going to slit my wrist and f those plans all up!

Greg has been gone since Feb and it still sucks. It took me 30 years to find that kind of happy and I only got to have it for 20 years. So tell me was it Gods plan to set me up for the biggest fall of all time? When is it suppose to start getting easier? Seems to me it's just getting worst. Lord It felt good to finally say that out loud to someone that can hear it and understand it and maybe have their own say about it. At first I stayed busy, friends where everywhere, but I could not and can not talk like that without everyone worrying I'm going to fall apart and do something dumb. I've always been the strongest of my clan the one who has all the answers so to speak. If you got a problem go find Mindy she'll fix it. Now I'm the one broke and no one knows what to do. 

I call myself "needsalife" because the one I had is gone and I have no clue where to find another one. My problem solving skills tell me go out into the world, find friends and just live. Greg left me with no worries and enough money to live comfortable, without having to go back into the workforce. Only he forgot to set me up with friends to do that with. Family walks on eggshells around me and all our friends have lives of their own, together. I been on this laptop trying to figure out how and where to meet some folks I have a few things in common with that might want to go out have some fun do a little traveling, etc...I even hit on a dating site met some guys i think might be fun to do stuff with, only problem there is they are all looking for "The One" and I had my one and really am not ready to give him up (Even though God took him away from me) (Yes God and I are having some issues right now) Which is not really fare to these fellows who think they might have a chance with me. I just really keep thinking if I could just get back to Me and not We I could get though this a little better. Or I could be fooling myself in which case I've given myself a deadline. I knew what unhappy was before Greg and I will not go though that again. That was not a cry for help folks my deadline is several years down the road. I'm still sane enough to know this is gonna take time. ha 

I hate that we are here, but glad i'm not alone. I think just having someone I can cry and be mad at the world with will help a lot. 

Here's to finding some true friends, 

Thank you for letting me vent

Comment by Pearlinden on November 7, 2017 at 5:08am

My Partner's Value

We all know we can’t put a dollar amount on our loss.  A few decades ago, there was a study about the economic value of a Wife – what a man (in those days) would have to pay for child care, housekeeper, cook, etc.  Back then, the figure was about $78,000.  Aside from the irreplaceable joy of his/her love and companionship, as widows and widowers, losing the love of your life is also astronomical in economic terms, beyond his/her income - if you can even find or afford a nonjudgmental person you trust for: child care; solve computer or IT problems (gold!); advocate in medical settings; run interference in life’s annoyances (banks! Insurance companies!); pet care; handyman; help with errands; beyond the cost of lawyer, accountant, etc.   Random thoughts on being suddenly single.  And people wonder why I'm pissed off sometimes!

Comment by SoundOfSilence on November 2, 2017 at 12:02pm

I woke up today, looked into the mirror and said honey I am going to have a good day, immediately I burst into tears. I so wished I was actually saying this to my husband and he would tell me oh yes honey it is going to be a good day. Well I have tried to make it a good day though that is somewhat hard to do and I cannot ignore the way I am feeling to try to make it better, that's not healthy. 

I am however trying to ignore the battle between insurance companies, medical insurance denying all claims and saying it is auto insurance, then filing a claim with auto but them saying well we will investigate (this could take 3-6 weeks) but it is probably medical. Just feels like a big game to me but what do I know about Minnesota State Law. Just another fun roller coaster ride that of course I am not prepared for nor that I really want to be dealing with. I am however trying to stay positive and get the "who cares" attitude out, this will all get worked out someday, I just have to stop worrying about it.

Comment by NancyD on October 31, 2017 at 3:52pm

ShirleyB, you are right.  I'm not judging anybody's sh*t here but the saga continued today and I still don't have my money.  The bank guy just called me to tell me I should come in again tomorrow to finalize the process of closing the checking account and he asked me AGAIN if I would like to just keep the account in my name rather than close it.  My husband Frank too worked for this same bank years ago as a trust officer so the irony does not escape me!  :)   He always  said that banks have only two things to sell you: safety and service.  I try to be grateful that my money is safe today !  If I were a comedian I think I could do a funny sketch about this!  It would feature my husband in heaven looking down on the situation and trying to pull strings to make it work smoothly.  Oh well.

Also, like InsideLove said, some of these "adventures" have gone very smoothly and for me too the Social Security office has been great.  Go figure.  

I try to do no more than one or two "business" tasks a day; it's a lot to process mentally.  I am slowly making progress toward my goal of simplifying my finances: paying off debt, closing accounts.  When I get it all done, I think it will be a great relief.  I also have many, many more thank you notes to write and I want to get back to doing them. I'm sure folks don't care if they are late (or probably even if they arrive at all!) But it is therapeutic for me to write personal notes to people to thank them for the kindnesses they showed us.  It makes me cry but they are healing tears rather than tears of frustration.  

Comment by ShirleyB on October 31, 2017 at 11:54am

I am just over 5 months out now from losing my husband, John. He was 49 when he died leaving me a 46 year old widow.  I just "recognized" both his 50th and my 47th birthdays this month. The BS about getting through all the "firsts" is exactly that as far as I'm concerned.  Fathers Day without my kid's father ALWAYS going to suck. So are other monumental days.  I'm learning this as I go as initially I was told if I could get through that first year...yes- so many out there have their own opinions of how and when I should grieve.  Amazingly they have never been through anything like I'm going through.  Not to say they haven't experienced loss- just not my kind of loss. The loss of the love of your life and being left now with basically a second "lifetime" to live without him here.  I will say though that as a society we are not taught how to deal with death, dying or grief.  So I take it with a grain of salt when people either say or do the wrong thing or say or do nothing at all. I get it. They simply have no clue.  This also goes with all the calls we have to make to change or close things out or to remove our spouses name off of something etc.  They have no idea half the time how to deal with us.  But I get it. I wait patiently because ultimately they are going to get it done (Or this has been my case anyway), and I try to be understanding knowing that they are leaning how to deal with something new on their end, and that I'm sure they are uncomfortable dealing with the new widow on my end...and to be honest- who knows what things are going on in their own lives that we don't know about? Everybody has sh*t so who are we to judge anyone else right?  Most often I find people are wanting to be helpful and simply don't know how. Me getting ticked at them doesn't help.  Somebody mentioned Wells Fargo and what a pain it was dealing with accounts.  My husband worked for Wells Fargo and Wells Fargo has been soooo incredibly good to me and my kids. They have been extremely accommodating and have gone out of their way to make sure all is done correctly and done well. There is sooo much paperwork to deal with when someone passes away too, so many calls to make and accounts to change and close etc. The whole process can be overwhelming.  But I take things day by day.  I try to make a point to find happiness in my day as well- something good. Something to keep me moving forward.  We will never forget.  But I take this opportunity to recognize that John has helped shape me into the person I am today.  And by god I am going to keep moving forward to make him proud and to live the life that he no longer has the chance to.  It's hard EVERY day.  I cry EVERY day.  But I'm living too. I wish the same for all of us. My heart goes out to all of you who belong to this club none of of us ever wanted to be a part of.

Comment by SoundOfSilence on October 31, 2017 at 10:19am

I have had so many of these issues and I have now found that I just have to ask for managers at all times, not that it is a sure thing you will get someone good but after the last few weeks of literally getting bounced around on everything I have come to that conclusion. It is so hard when you are so overwhelmed and yet again there is no support. I have spoke to Toyota 5 times about his RAV 4 since he died, a week and a half ago I told them I was going to voluntarily return it and was told I would it a call in 3 days or so to arrange it, when I asked what did "or so" mean there was no answer, this morning I still had not heard from them so I called again and was told they had no record of my call and that she could start that process for me if I liked, I said no I need to speak to a manager. Once he got on the phone I found out I could take it in to any Toyota dealership and drop it off so I did not have to pay towing costs, I was so grateful to this man but yet so angry because if I had known that I would have dropped off the vehicle weeks ago. Again it just felt unreal, I keep thinking oh how well my husband would help me through this right now but unfortunately that is not my reality and it hurts so bad. 

Comment by Pearlinden on October 31, 2017 at 9:50am

InsideLove, HelensRay, Nancy, and all the rest of us that endure incompetent or at best indifferent treatment:  I wish I had known about this group in the first couple months.  The tip about only doing one thing a day is invaluable, and I have it now.  The impersonal nature of trying to reach an insurance company, bank, spouse's employer (press 1 for this, 2 for that, etc.) and trying to get to the right party, come up with a password, and so on is just so wearing.  I too have wanted to reach into the phone to shake someone, and I'm not proud of dropping the f-bomb out of sheer frustration.  I tried getting an advocate, my sister, even my lawyer, to make those calls, and most times they won't talk to anyone but The Widow.  I try to wait for another day when I'm stronger.  On a positive note, I got the best service of the bunch from American Airlines - nice surprise!


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