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Widowed in 2017

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Members: 92
Latest Activity: 10 hours ago

Discussion Forum

It's Getting Real or Is It

Started by SoundOfSilence. Last reply by Sosammy 10 hours ago. 5 Replies

Today will be 4 weeks that my sweet husband Dan has been gone. I feel like it is getting more real at times but then I think oh no this really didn't happen, it was so sudden and unexpected that I…Continue

Its Official

Started by HelensRay. Last reply by HelensRay on Saturday. 4 Replies

Its official I just hate hate hate hate this life without my Helen.  Cancer snatched Helen from me 30th June and I thought I was doing OK, but every day is getting so more wearisome.  I go out, I…Continue

How am I supposed to even begin to prepare for Christmas?

Started by Tania. Last reply by Tania Nov 16. 3 Replies

The holiday season is lurking - growing closer every day. It's supposed to be a joyous time with family and friends. It's not even Halloween and already items are on display. Christmas in July was…Continue

How to Introduce Myself

Started by Pearlinden. Last reply by BelovedPeach Nov 2. 1 Reply

I moved to my old hometown a few months ago, after a long absence.  I'm generally an outgoing person, before all the dark grief.  People are very friendly here.  Up until recently I responded…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Kimmy on November 9, 2017 at 1:39pm

Hello all its been six weeks since Owen passed away. I've just about finished the paperwork from his estate and have had nothing but help from all those i have had to deal with (i'm in Australia) My councellors have been so helpful in providing me with guidance and support as have friends and family allowing me to grieve and mourn with there full support. Im about to go back to work which will come with its own challenges but i feel im ready to face them. I have read lots of books which provide helpful and informative advice which i have found invaluable as i continue on this awful journey without my wonderful husband by my side. I have a new mantra now which is I AM BECOMING THE PERSON I KNOW I CAN BE rather than getting bogged down in my sadness which i allow myself to have when i have quiet time of an evening. I have found yoga very helpful with centering my thoughts which have a tendancy to all be negative if i allow them so im now using my breathing to help me when i find those destructive thoughts coming back. I have a long way to go and dont look to far ahead just a day at a time and if i get through one day then that is a positive. 

love and hugs

Comment by InsideLove on November 9, 2017 at 12:21pm

NancyD integrate your renewal/revitalization to honor what was, indeed makes sense to me. Beautiful.

Lately, I was thinking about (just planting seeds of thought around this) my husband's contribution to the local community. His favorite organization, which he was getting ready to step off the board at the beginning of 2018, he already bequeathed a financial gift. I want to somehow, carry his legacy forward, so he lives on beyond the gift. Of course, in all practicality, he was generous. It's just somehow I want to make that part of my integration.

I like that word you used NancyD - integration! That's what we are doing. It's not a "new normal" or "new life." Those phrases are cold, old and don't work at all for me. We're integrating the todays and tomorrows with our yesterdays to preserve our love. I think it is possible.

Thanks for the reframing into an easier to accept word - integration. In that way, our love, memories and who we were together with our loved one, stay with us.

Comment by NancyD on November 8, 2017 at 5:23pm

Inside Love:  You are so right about knowing intuitively that the loss of a beloved spouse is not something to "get through".  Where does that idea come from?  I know intuitively too that it is just crazy to think I could "get through" it somehow!  And I don't WANT to "get through it" even if that were possible.  I loved him too much to come out the other side unchanged.  Surely his life and our love are worth not just putting all in the past and pretending they didn't impact me.  I want to honor who he was and what we had and try to move forward in some sort of healthy way, integrating that, allowing myself to be changed by it.  Does that make sense? I don't know what it might look like.  I have to believe it will be possible.  And right now I can only do one day at a time and hold on to that hope.  

Thanks to all the folks here.  Your shares help. 

Comment by needsalife on November 8, 2017 at 7:41am

Today I cried, not for the lost of Greg, but that I have find a family who totally gets it. I'm not feeling so lonely anymore. Today was tears of joy. Thank you

Heck maybe God does have a plan

Comment by InsideLove on November 8, 2017 at 6:43am

needsalife: Truer words we won't find elsewhere or even in most books around grief. 

My husband's death was unexpected and sudden - what was a routine hip surgery on July 17 only brought him 2 weeks home for a truly loving caregiving time as he told me. Then a 911 call on July 31 because he couldn't breathe, the treatments over 28 days failed, and he died on Aug 28. 

I'm a book lover however, I am going slowly with books to help me through this. Most of them have practical tips and ideas to "get through" this. The thing is I know intuitively, this is not something to get through. Not when despite downs, ups, arguments, loving times, we won't ever that that person who made it so, with us again. Ever. If you like books to help you expand the why of only being in a tribe such as we are in here, reluctantly, my favorite is It's OK That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand, by Megan Devine. More than so far 2 other books I read (one given to me by my counselor) our culture is a fix-it culture. We are told we need to "rise above", even sometimes encouraged to "deny" any pain. This mindset makes mostly those believing such stances, feel better while we, the ones living in the grief, can feel belittled, put down, and even shamed.

I thought I had a strong faith and that over the years there have been situations it has served me. But in some cases like now, some of it isn't helpful. For me, I cry at home, at the bank where I have to close his account, at the lawyers where our trust has to end as it was and changed to what will be, with friends who won't talk about him (who knows why because I always do). I just never was good at hiding my feelings so why start now?

This kind of insight in, It's OK, is what got me to this community: "The real cutting edge of growth and development is in hurting with each other. It's in companionship, not correction." That's what I feel here. A connection. A cry from many like me here that say, this will never make any sense. The best I can do is hope and pray for some little space to open up in my grief so that I can live in it with a little less pain. Eventually. Maybe even years from now. I don't know.

Thank you, and all here, for just letting me complain about this unreal pain.

Comment by adoption1964 on November 8, 2017 at 5:39am

needsalife:  Very well said.  I can relate to every word.  I read peoples posts and like others I can totally relate to them. God's plan really.  I had my family tell me you are young you will find love again.  Really because that is the last thing I am thinking about.  I married at 37 and was married 15 years.  My husband was 61 and passed of Stage IV Kidney Cancer, I wish cancer on no one.  The feelings you have through the whole process ugh.  I have you find some friends.  It is very hard to find friends that understand us and ones that we want to be around.

Comment by Doug02122014 on November 7, 2017 at 8:06pm
needsalife, (Mindy)

Hey I sent you a friend invite to offer some resources via Widville mail. Let me know if I can help.
Comment by needsalife on November 7, 2017 at 7:44pm

OMG if I hear God has a plan one more time I'm going to slit my wrist and f those plans all up!

Greg has been gone since Feb and it still sucks. It took me 30 years to find that kind of happy and I only got to have it for 20 years. So tell me was it Gods plan to set me up for the biggest fall of all time? When is it suppose to start getting easier? Seems to me it's just getting worst. Lord It felt good to finally say that out loud to someone that can hear it and understand it and maybe have their own say about it. At first I stayed busy, friends where everywhere, but I could not and can not talk like that without everyone worrying I'm going to fall apart and do something dumb. I've always been the strongest of my clan the one who has all the answers so to speak. If you got a problem go find Mindy she'll fix it. Now I'm the one broke and no one knows what to do. 

I call myself "needsalife" because the one I had is gone and I have no clue where to find another one. My problem solving skills tell me go out into the world, find friends and just live. Greg left me with no worries and enough money to live comfortable, without having to go back into the workforce. Only he forgot to set me up with friends to do that with. Family walks on eggshells around me and all our friends have lives of their own, together. I been on this laptop trying to figure out how and where to meet some folks I have a few things in common with that might want to go out have some fun do a little traveling, etc...I even hit on a dating site met some guys i think might be fun to do stuff with, only problem there is they are all looking for "The One" and I had my one and really am not ready to give him up (Even though God took him away from me) (Yes God and I are having some issues right now) Which is not really fare to these fellows who think they might have a chance with me. I just really keep thinking if I could just get back to Me and not We I could get though this a little better. Or I could be fooling myself in which case I've given myself a deadline. I knew what unhappy was before Greg and I will not go though that again. That was not a cry for help folks my deadline is several years down the road. I'm still sane enough to know this is gonna take time. ha 

I hate that we are here, but glad i'm not alone. I think just having someone I can cry and be mad at the world with will help a lot. 

Here's to finding some true friends, 

Thank you for letting me vent

Comment by Pearlinden on November 7, 2017 at 5:08am

My Partner's Value

We all know we can’t put a dollar amount on our loss.  A few decades ago, there was a study about the economic value of a Wife – what a man (in those days) would have to pay for child care, housekeeper, cook, etc.  Back then, the figure was about $78,000.  Aside from the irreplaceable joy of his/her love and companionship, as widows and widowers, losing the love of your life is also astronomical in economic terms, beyond his/her income - if you can even find or afford a nonjudgmental person you trust for: child care; solve computer or IT problems (gold!); advocate in medical settings; run interference in life’s annoyances (banks! Insurance companies!); pet care; handyman; help with errands; beyond the cost of lawyer, accountant, etc.   Random thoughts on being suddenly single.  And people wonder why I'm pissed off sometimes!

Comment by SoundOfSilence on November 2, 2017 at 12:02pm

I woke up today, looked into the mirror and said honey I am going to have a good day, immediately I burst into tears. I so wished I was actually saying this to my husband and he would tell me oh yes honey it is going to be a good day. Well I have tried to make it a good day though that is somewhat hard to do and I cannot ignore the way I am feeling to try to make it better, that's not healthy. 

I am however trying to ignore the battle between insurance companies, medical insurance denying all claims and saying it is auto insurance, then filing a claim with auto but them saying well we will investigate (this could take 3-6 weeks) but it is probably medical. Just feels like a big game to me but what do I know about Minnesota State Law. Just another fun roller coaster ride that of course I am not prepared for nor that I really want to be dealing with. I am however trying to stay positive and get the "who cares" attitude out, this will all get worked out someday, I just have to stop worrying about it.

 

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