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hi everyone. this is my first time blogging...anywhere.  Last week marked 4 months since my sweet husband died. It's still hard to just say those words. It seemed like the first couple months I was all about keeping myself busy and bouncing around with friends and family. Now, 4  months in, I find myself needing a lot of solitude. I think this is normal. But I found myself telling little white lies this weekend to keep my solitude. I feel as though if I say the actual reason that I'm choosing to be alone, then everyone will worry and insist on being with others. I just need the alone time, that's all.  I think....does it really matter? I figure if it continues, then maybe rethink the amount of time I'm alone. 

Thanks, just mostly need to vent to those who are in my boat, or have gone before me in this "unchosen" journey.

*LK22

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Hi, I'm new here.  My husband died 3 months ago.  I don't know what I need or want.  It changes from minute to minute.  But I think it's good you know what you want, and are able to accommodate your desire for solitude.

I do not like this at all.  I miss him so.

My husband  died last April. I have more or less the same experience.  I took every opportunity to have my friends and family around me.  I accepted every invitation.  And it was good.  But I always feel this need of returning to my house after about 3 hours.  And to be left alone.

I am always comfortable with my children and grandchildren. But all other persons, however  nice and I like them, make me feel very tired after a while. And I feel very ungrateful then, because they take care of me a lot.

Next weekend , I am invited to a wedding party. I accepted, but don't know if it is such a good idea.

On all those occasions, I miss my darling so very much.  Mostly I even can't believe he is no longer with me.  

This is all so much more difficult and painful as anything I have ever experienced.  Or even was aware of.

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband passed away 7 months ago. I need alot of alone time also. I just went back to work after taking the summer off and that is all I have the energy to do. My daughter and I went out of town for the night with some friends this weekend. It was a lot and I think it will awhile until we do it again. We both just need a lot of time and space right now. I think we overestimated ourselves. You are right, we should take our solitude when we feel we need it. If you have to tell a little white lie, so be it.

Hi...let me first say how sorry I am for your loss. April 29th I lost the love of my life so its been four months for me. What I have learned is you have to do what's best for you. In my case it suddenly became overwhelmimg….my adult daughter who came to live with us when her dad became ill started screening my calls. Sometimes I just didn't want to talk to anyone. I must admit that one of my closest relatives took it very personally. But I realized she was making the situation about her and her need to be my savior. I was the one whose best friend was gone. I was the one who had to figure out how I was going to pick up the pieces. As nicely as I could I just told her this was MY journey and I was going to work it out MY way. When she saw I was truly serious she backed off. And when friends who happened to be in town called and asked if they could come by to visit I just told them the truth....it was just not the right time. I saw them last month at a church function and they were so nice. They said they were not at all offended and were just glad to see me. I am actually an introvert so I need my alone time. When I was younger I was reluctant to acknowledge this and ended up feeling more depressed and anxious. That's one of the things I truly miss about my Tony. He got me. He understood and gave me my space when I needed it. My children have also indicated that they are not ready for the big family/friend gatherings we used to plan around holidays and special occasions. We have gotten together but we have agreed to keep things light and flexible. I've been reading a lot on the topic of grief and the consensus seems to be every one grieves differently and there is no set time when you say I'm done grieving. I hope you will continue to come to this site. I have found solace here and kindred spirits. I wish I wasn't in this "club" but it was thrust upon me by the great Creator. Here I can say what I am feeling without judgement. I hope it gives you some source of comfort to know you're not alone. Take care. 

Hi, I am new here also.  My husband died July 17th so not quite 2 months ago.  I so relate to needing alone time...a lot of people around me right now is suffocating.I am so sorry for your loss and sorry we are all now part of this "club".


JB

Hey, I just want to tell I went to the wedding party and I am glad I did.  I was reticent to go till the last moment.  The call from a far away friend made me go. He said: "he will be there with you". I know this is only talk.  But it felt good yesterday.  Everyone around talked about my husband.  I like that very much. I am glad I was pushed to go.

I lost my husband 3 1/2 months ago and in the beginning I was going all the time. I can't believe I went to 3 graduation parties and 1 baby shower the first month. Now I can barely make myself leave the house. I did go se my husband's sister Sunday and that was nice. I love being around her as she is missing him as much as I am. They were twins and she has no children, no spouse. He was it for her. I work but thankfully mostly work from home. Still I can barely concentrate to do the bare minimum. Things have changed so much. I loved our life so much, miss him more every day.

My wife died May 25th, and I've experienced a similar feeling recently. I did manage the bouncing around and didn't over do it.  I jokingly referred to it as my sympathy tour. I get to take care of my grand daughter for the next week but after that there is very little on my calendar and I feel relieved by it. I'm with  you. figure it out as I go.

Hi my wife Mary passed july5th , I have done a few things, mostly with family but spend most time alone with my very loyal dog ( thank god for him) my neighbors invite me to do things and I usually just make something up rather then get into it,my family I just spell it out to, my birthday is coming and I plan on hanging low , just the Way it is, Mary was only person I would have enjoyed it with, I know how everyone feels because we all get it! God bless everyone. FRANK 

Hello. I just found this site and this is my first post/response. Four months ago, my husband, 56, passed away after a 3-year battle with a neuro degenerative disease. Each day feels worse than the day before; more raw and difficult to breathe. This weekend was painful. Not because of an event or one of the “firsts” without him. Autumn arrived and the sky was clear and crisp, the temps in the high 50s. This is the kind of day we would leash up our boxer and head to the beach or hike the woods, roam a farmer’s market, stop for coffee, or take a ride in our classic convertible, or do the Sunday crossword puzzle on the deck. Nothing special and yet all so special. But now he’s gone. So is our boxer. He passed away last November. I haven’t had much time to grieve. Two weeks to the day after my husband’s funeral, my father called me. “Mom got lost and she has a flat tire.” Since that time, I’ve had the difficult conversation with my mom about giving up driving. Her mild cognitive impairment isn’t so mild any longer. Dementia is cruel. Two weeks ago my dad called me early on Sunday morning. “I need help.” He rolled out of bed and dislocated his hip replacement and fractured a bone. While he’s in the hospital, my mom is staying with me. When my dad is released, he’ll come stay with me, too; he can’t continue his healing and rehab and care for my mom alone. When my mom frustrates me, and repeats comments and stories incessantly, or moves at a glacial pace, or leaves the bathroom door open so my new puppy raids the trash can and chews all manner of discarded items, over and over I repeat this mantra, “it’s not her; it’s the disease.” When every little thing and every little noise annoys me, I pray for grace, strength and patience to keep my snarky comments to myself or that the anger and annoyance and heartache will go away if I breathe deeply and count to 10. Sometimes it works…for a moment. I want to run away from my life for a little while and find some solitude. The toll of caring for my husband at home while he declined and withered nurtured the seeds of anticipatory grief in me. Now, actual grief is so much worse and painful. I will, with the help of my sister and brother, continue to care for my parents as a new round of anticipatory grief takes hold, knowing Alzheimer’s will claim my sweet mother after robbing her of her dignity and memories. Rant and pity party over. Thanks for the safe space to vent. Moving on.

Dear "Mainship",

I am so sorry for your loss. Already loosing your husband is so difficult to bear. And than the heartless disease of Alzheimer. How strong a person must be to endure all of this.

I know about the anticipatory grief.  I saw my husband suffer for 4 years on a brain cancer.  Indeed , you think you are prepared for the loss. Nothing can be more wrong.  The real grief is so much worse. And it didn't become more bearable in the 6 months since he died.

The sweet memories of all the small things that made our life.  So normal then, so out of the ordinary now. 

I can only tell you, be kind to yourself.  Take some rest from time to time . You try to do whatever you can, but  you are just human. Nobody is helped if you also collapse. 

A big hug from this side of the world

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