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Hi there, I'm fairly new to the site.  My name is Kate and I lost my husband of 20 years (Tom) to cardiac arrest on November 23rd at age 46.  I am so lost and devastated.  I have been asked to dinners with his family (I don't have any, and both my parents passed away already), and have tried to go out with my children to do things. but all I see when I go out is husbands and wives together enjoying themselves.  I am happy for them, but the pain is so great because I no longer have someone by my side.  The loneliness is terrible.  I can't bear to look at everyone else without breaking into tears.  How does everyone handle going out and trying to enjoy themselves?  Everyone else is a couple, except for me.  I am everyone's 3rd wheel now.

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Kate

im so sorry you lost your love. It’s really early for you and very raw. It’s normal to feel this. Be kind to yourself and don’t push too hard. I’m ten months on and I have a hard time with couples and social situations. Don’t feel you have to do anything until you feel comfortable aboutitthereisno ‘right’ way to grieve

Hugs

LP (leslie)

Kate

I lost my wife of 30 years in May, still feels like yesterday. I did go to a grief class that did help. Christmas was very tough but we made it through. My son still lives with me. He has been a big help. My daughter only lives do the street so I see her alot also. My family lives out west and her family lives back East. So were all along here in Texas. Staying busy help a lot.  

Good luck and keep your faith 

Hi Kate,

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am also new to the site.  I too lost my husband of 26 years at age 44, around January of last year.  It was very difficult to suddenly only have myself when it had always been "he and I" for everything.  In addition, we had no children so it was truly just me left behind.  I agree with you.  The loneliness is worse when I see other people with someone by their side.   It's also very hard to be at home when it is only me now.

 

Despite the pain and loneliness, I still made myself go out with friends and family whenever I was asked or invited, just to be part of a group and have other people around, because it was worse to be brooding at home crying over my loss.  One year on, I got used to being single in a group with other couples.  Also the pain doesn't feel as bad when I see other couples and families.  The pain and loneliness may be the same, but perhaps I got used to living with it and accept it better.  It may be very difficult to slog through, but time and distance do help with acceptance of our loss and pain. 

That said, I know everyone grieves differently.  Your loss is still very new and raw.  As LP mentioned, there is no "right" way.  I also agree with Allan_sh, keeping busy does help a lot to get through the day, one foot in front of the other, until we can better digest and accept the pain and loss.

Hang in there!

Quyen

Hi Kate,

 I totally get how you feel!  I lost my husband in June of 2018 to cardiac arrest, he was 47.  We were married 23.5 years and Ive never been alone.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  I totally get that feeling of going out and being by yourself and feeling completely lonely.  I try to go out with friends and they have been very good about including me.  It's when I have to run errands or go shopping I miss the companionship. Or doing projects around the house.  We have older children so we were just starting to travel and get out more. It is a completely lonely feeling and I have to keep reminding myself that it is going to take time and that things will get easier. But after being together for so many years, it is lonely and it can be depressing.  I am thankful my tribe that surrounds me and tries to keep me lifted up.

Hi Kate.  I'm sorry for your loss.  I'm new to this site too and my husband passed away on Sept. 22/18.  We'd been together 44+ yrs and married 42+m years.  My first time out was with my kids and I still felt out of place and so very, very lost.  I didn't have my husband to smile at, wink at or even nudge to show how much we love our kids and grandkids.  Friends then took me out for supper and boy talk about feeling like a third wheel even tho' they weren't doing anything to make me feel like this it was all me but very real to me.  They are good friends and together we have a lot of stories and laughs which will help but it won't lessen how alone I'll feel when with them.  I don't expect this will ever go away but I'm hoping I can adjust to it a bit easier as the years go by.  Right now I can't even fathom that but that's ok as "future" isn't really in my vocabulary right now. I do have friends that I can go out with as one has a husband who works out of town 4 days a week and the other does some long haul driving.  One has been my friend since 1970 so she was there when I met my husband and the other I've know for over 30+ years.  Both are on their second marriages and we were there for both of them and now they are both there for me.  It does help.  I've joined Soaring Spirits and the first time was supper out and I had to do that alone but it helped get me out of the house.  I'm flying south to Mesa early March to visit the same good friends who took me out for supper and while I'm looking forward to this trip I know I'll be a basket case missing my husband as this was one of the trips we'd planned for our retirement but didn't get to take.  Maybe we'll have something to offer as the third wheel which might help us along the way.  Stranger things have happened.  :o)

It’s hard. No doubt about it. I lost my husband of 19 years and best friend of 36 years in December. I am only now beginning to even be able to acknowledge his passing. I made it through Christmas in a stupor of sorts. I’ve worked in a stupor of sorts. I’ve driven to appointments and not even remembered how I got there. I’ve surrounded myself with family for days on end and felt like a shadow looking in on conversations that made no sense, made decisions I’ve forgotten and not made decisions on things I need to take care of but have no interest in any of it. 

My daughter took me to Cirque du Soleil for their Crystal performance last Wednesday. I nearly didn’t go. I had not been to one of their shows in years. And I had always gone with my husband. She wanted to surprise me by taking me out for dinner and a show. I couldn’t say no. I went. I bawled so hard halfway into the show that she asked if I needed to go home. I shook my head and said it would be okay. And ... it was. Somehow the night ended up being a good night. A new memory. I struggle when I’m in a crowd. Even if it’s my family. I feel alone everywhere. But I’m starting to believe I’m not alone. Rick is not a “was”; he “is.”  He is everywhere around me. In our family and friends. That is my new perspective and it is helping me personally. I know physically I do not have his presence. But I’m starting to feel him in ways I had not understood before. Maybe I’m just going crazy, but I don’t think so.  I still cry daily. Sometimes hourly. But I know if the situation was reversed I would have wanted him to find joy in the little things and the big things. I know he wants that for me as well. I’m sure your husband feels the same for you. Hang in there. 

I feel exactly the same Kate, I lost my Husband on Nov 6 at age 44 to cardiac arrest . I don't know how to join other in their celebrations with their perfect families.

Hi Kate, 

we know what you're going through here. Your reaction is totally normal. People who haven't lost a partner often try in a well-meaning attempt to get the bereaved person to go out and do things to distract them from their grief. My own experience tells me that this was not the right thing, at least not for me (everyone is different, I know). I lost my husband of 23 years in Feb '18 an immediately friends (mostly couples) try to "cheer me up" by inviting me out, but it was dreadful to be surrounded by people who did not realise that how much their happiness reminded me of what I had lost. Their coupledom seemed to highlight for me the absence of my husband. Take it slowly and don't do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. Perhaps when you're feeling stronger, you may be able to seek out "single" friends, who might be widowed or divorced, who would welcome some company. I have a couple of divorced friends and we go on holiday together or for meals out, which is much more relaxing.

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