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I lost my husband March 18, 2018 from a cerebral aneurysm. We were together 49 years, married 43, with grown boys. I guess it's because of the holidays, but lately little things are smacking me in the face, making me realize I'm not even sure who I am . I received a Christmas card from  a nephew addressed to just me, and it set me off in tears. I realized last week that this will be the first New Year since I started dating that I will be alone at midnight, which again set me off. Tonight it hit me that I am no one's wife/spouse  when I was asked the question. I'm sure there will more blank areas that are going to confront me. I'm not sure how well I am handling it because I feel like I'm taking 10 steps back. My boys have been great if I need something done, but they can't pull me out of these feelings. One son thinks I just need to eat more. I eat when I'm hungry. The other thinks I just need to get out all the time. He doesn't realize that the smallest thing can set a memory video off in my mind and turn me into tears. I am praying that things will calm down some after the holidays are over and possibly my emotions will not have total control over my body as they do now. God bless you people here. I was reading posts for a few months before I joined and it has been helpful, although I wish none of us had the reason to be here.  

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I understand what you are feeling. I lost my husband of 46 years in June. I have cried so much this week. You are right it is the smallest things that bring on the tears.

i have decorated and then wonder why. Missing him just doesn’t ease this week. We will be with family on Christmas and I dread trying to manage the tears.

im look you and hope things are better after the holidays. The cold winter months were never my favorite so it may be time to hibernate.

im wishing you comfort and peace.

I too was 50 years together with my dear husband. We were married for 47 years. Exactly 50 years ago we celebrated our first Christmas together.
I also do not know who I am, who I want to be. All these years we worked together on "We". Now there is no "we" anymore. There is no "he" anymore. Only "me" is still there. But who is "me"?
I do not know. I only know that it is only a poor remnant of the fantastic "we" we were together.

II must continue for my dear children and grandchildren. But the "light" of my life has disappeared.
I hardly dare to think about the future. This Christmas time is difficult. But the time after that will be equally difficult, because "he" is no longer there.
Dear people, I wish you so much love and good. I hope it will all go better for us.

Reading this helped because you said exactly what I've been experiencing.  My husband Gord passed away 09/22/18 after 42+ years married and together since 1974 when I was 17.  

I don't think "future" right now other than a trip to Mesa to visit good friends for a week early March.  This was one of those things we meant to do when retired (June 2016) but Gord's deteriorating health (early 2017) meant we couldn't.  My big kids and grandsons encouraged me to go and my brother is dog sitting my Sophie so I had no excuse.  I was having anxiety attacks worrying about her (she's an 11 yr old Bichon and had back surgery Aug 20/18) but my brother and wife love her too so having them step up to take her really helped.  Going to see very good friends who won't care about my tears and we have spent so much time with them there will be some great stories and memories. 

Take care and we can learn to become "me & I" at our own pace.   

I understand what you are feeling too.  I was married for 23.5 years.  I had to tell someone a couple weeks ago I was a single mom and inside my heart just broke.  I came home and cried.  I have never been alone and like everyone else here I am not part of a "we" anymore.  It's hard to not be a wife anymore, I am a widow.  I hate that word and I never thought that would be me.  But I don't know who I am anymore.  I am trying to find myself.  IT's so hard to move on knowing you are doing it yourself. 

I so get what you've written.  My husband, Gord, passed away Sept. 22/18 at 64.  We were married for 42 years and together for 44 (since I was 17.)  We have two wonderful sons (42 & 39), fabulous daughter-in-law and 2 grandsons (14 & 17.)  Losing him has been devastating as he was my soul mate. I tell people he wasn't perfect just perfect for me and that he was the sane to my crazy.  My sons nod when I say that.  :o)  Gord was the rock in our family and we are so lost without him.  

I also have no appetite and only just in the last few weeks am I remembering to each breakfast/lunch/supper.  I also have widow fog - forgetting things, trying to put the milk away in the dishwasher or the dishes in the fridge, etc. etc.  I did this occasionally but now it's every day and so many times during the day.  

It is the smallest memories or going to go talk to him and having it smack you in the face he's not here.  Yes were were that couple that could finish each others sentences or be thinking the same thing at the same time.  As everything we owned and all accounts were joint I found it so hard having to ask to have his name removed over and over again.  That was hell.  

I also lost my baby brother on Oct 11/18 from a traumatic brain injury.  This was a double tragedy for me and my family as were very, very close.  

I've had trouble getting out of bed in the morning (I'm retired so no job to get up for) and right after New Years I spent the first week in bed.  I have a small dog so I got up to let her out and feed her but other than that I wasn't eating and stayed in bed.  I finally forced myself to get up and moving but then had another 3 days of staying in bed this past week.  I read but have no energy (mental or physical) to do anything.  

I still have tears each and every day but sometimes they are tears with a smile.  

I just joined this group today but I also read a few stories before joining and felt that so many stories sounded just like mine.  Hope this wasn't too much for you but don't get down on yourself as we all grieve differently.  


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