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I lost my husband March 18, 2018 from a cerebral aneurysm. We were together 49 years, married 43, with grown boys. I guess it's because of the holidays, but lately little things are smacking me in the face, making me realize I'm not even sure who I am . I received a Christmas card from  a nephew addressed to just me, and it set me off in tears. I realized last week that this will be the first New Year since I started dating that I will be alone at midnight, which again set me off. Tonight it hit me that I am no one's wife/spouse  when I was asked the question. I'm sure there will more blank areas that are going to confront me. I'm not sure how well I am handling it because I feel like I'm taking 10 steps back. My boys have been great if I need something done, but they can't pull me out of these feelings. One son thinks I just need to eat more. I eat when I'm hungry. The other thinks I just need to get out all the time. He doesn't realize that the smallest thing can set a memory video off in my mind and turn me into tears. I am praying that things will calm down some after the holidays are over and possibly my emotions will not have total control over my body as they do now. God bless you people here. I was reading posts for a few months before I joined and it has been helpful, although I wish none of us had the reason to be here.  

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I understand what you are feeling. I lost my husband of 46 years in June. I have cried so much this week. You are right it is the smallest things that bring on the tears.

i have decorated and then wonder why. Missing him just doesn’t ease this week. We will be with family on Christmas and I dread trying to manage the tears.

im look you and hope things are better after the holidays. The cold winter months were never my favorite so it may be time to hibernate.

im wishing you comfort and peace.

I too was 50 years together with my dear husband. We were married for 47 years. Exactly 50 years ago we celebrated our first Christmas together.
I also do not know who I am, who I want to be. All these years we worked together on "We". Now there is no "we" anymore. There is no "he" anymore. Only "me" is still there. But who is "me"?
I do not know. I only know that it is only a poor remnant of the fantastic "we" we were together.

II must continue for my dear children and grandchildren. But the "light" of my life has disappeared.
I hardly dare to think about the future. This Christmas time is difficult. But the time after that will be equally difficult, because "he" is no longer there.
Dear people, I wish you so much love and good. I hope it will all go better for us.

Reading this helped because you said exactly what I've been experiencing.  My husband Gord passed away 09/22/18 after 42+ years married and together since 1974 when I was 17.  

I don't think "future" right now other than a trip to Mesa to visit good friends for a week early March.  This was one of those things we meant to do when retired (June 2016) but Gord's deteriorating health (early 2017) meant we couldn't.  My big kids and grandsons encouraged me to go and my brother is dog sitting my Sophie so I had no excuse.  I was having anxiety attacks worrying about her (she's an 11 yr old Bichon and had back surgery Aug 20/18) but my brother and wife love her too so having them step up to take her really helped.  Going to see very good friends who won't care about my tears and we have spent so much time with them there will be some great stories and memories. 

Take care and we can learn to become "me & I" at our own pace.   

I understand what you are feeling too.  I was married for 23.5 years.  I had to tell someone a couple weeks ago I was a single mom and inside my heart just broke.  I came home and cried.  I have never been alone and like everyone else here I am not part of a "we" anymore.  It's hard to not be a wife anymore, I am a widow.  I hate that word and I never thought that would be me.  But I don't know who I am anymore.  I am trying to find myself.  IT's so hard to move on knowing you are doing it yourself. 

I so get what you've written.  My husband, Gord, passed away Sept. 22/18 at 64.  We were married for 42 years and together for 44 (since I was 17.)  We have two wonderful sons (42 & 39), fabulous daughter-in-law and 2 grandsons (14 & 17.)  Losing him has been devastating as he was my soul mate. I tell people he wasn't perfect just perfect for me and that he was the sane to my crazy.  My sons nod when I say that.  :o)  Gord was the rock in our family and we are so lost without him.  

I also have no appetite and only just in the last few weeks am I remembering to each breakfast/lunch/supper.  I also have widow fog - forgetting things, trying to put the milk away in the dishwasher or the dishes in the fridge, etc. etc.  I did this occasionally but now it's every day and so many times during the day.  

It is the smallest memories or going to go talk to him and having it smack you in the face he's not here.  Yes were were that couple that could finish each others sentences or be thinking the same thing at the same time.  As everything we owned and all accounts were joint I found it so hard having to ask to have his name removed over and over again.  That was hell.  

I also lost my baby brother on Oct 11/18 from a traumatic brain injury.  This was a double tragedy for me and my family as were very, very close.  

I've had trouble getting out of bed in the morning (I'm retired so no job to get up for) and right after New Years I spent the first week in bed.  I have a small dog so I got up to let her out and feed her but other than that I wasn't eating and stayed in bed.  I finally forced myself to get up and moving but then had another 3 days of staying in bed this past week.  I read but have no energy (mental or physical) to do anything.  

I still have tears each and every day but sometimes they are tears with a smile.  

I just joined this group today but I also read a few stories before joining and felt that so many stories sounded just like mine.  Hope this wasn't too much for you but don't get down on yourself as we all grieve differently.  

Hi, I know what you mean, I Lost my Husband July 10,2018 to Lung Cancer, As I sit here alone So many things go through my head, but one of the is, No I'm not a widow, I'm married and no one can take that

While I now have to identify as a widow I'm still very much Gord's wife still.  I've met some widows that no longer wear their wedding ring but I will wear mine always.  For our 40th anniversary we remade my original rings into one band and I will always wear this.  I have anniversary rings but this one made from my originals is my favourite.  

CONTINUED:: No one can take that from me, maybe I'm in Denial but that's ok, every now and the I have an Anxiety attack when I realize OMG I'm never going to see the Love of my Life ever again, Its just all so wrong, I myself have to grown Children and grandchildren,  I'm going to be 57, I talk to them Sometimes about their struggles and cry Sometimes with them but I've always been the take care of everyone else person, and then I come home or they leave and I crumble,  I bring my Husbands urn up to bed with me every night, I know people thinks that's not good but my feelings are if it helps me, that's all that counts and mind you, Until it happens to you, you really don't know how you'd feel or what you'd do, I still have his shorts and shirt hanging on the chair from that Horrible day in July, My Daughter said mom you need to move them to start healing and 1st it bothered me what she said then I thought 1st , No I don't have too  and 2nd She doesn't have a clue what I'm going through,  because every night my kids are home with their spouses and Children which is wonderful,  as I sit alone, it's funny my Husband would watch the news in the morning over n over and I would say to him Honey have you not heard enough crap for one morning,  I'd be in Sunroom off the livingroom relaxing , He'd laugh and say they show something different each segment,  what I would do now to hear that nonsense again

I hear you. I feel you. It’s only been a little over three months since I lost my Rick. And I would give anything to watch tthecsame episode of criminal minds or ncis with him. He would inevitably fall asleep half way through. So we would sometimes watch one episode five times before he would see the whole thing.  Like you I’m grateful my kids are doing well, happy and loved with kids of their own. Lives to live. I know they all miss their dad and papa, but nobody knows what it’s like to go home to an empty house. Best friend for over 36 years. Husband for one month shy of 19 years. I cannot fathom living like this for the rest of my life. But I have to. Our family needs me. We have such a large family but I still feel alone. 

ciao i know what it's like to go home to an empty house...i did for a year now...it's frightening.!!..but in some ways i can lessen the impact of be alone in my house...i don't say i'm stay well alone..i don't... and i'm still missing him...but i'm not so scared how i thought before...and so i think you have to lessen your grief and try to stay better in your home day by day step by step... it's possible and it's the only thing we can do to adapt ourself to a situation we don't want but it's our reality now... hugs and hold on ciao roxi

After Gord died every time I sat down to watch some of our favourite shows like The Resident, The Good Doctor and so on it was about patients with ailments specific to Gord's and it made me cry until I thought there weren't any more tears but of course there were.  We used to have the 70's music channel on TV during the day but I've had to switch to another channel because so many of the songs are triggers for tears and heart wrenching pain. While I know my kids/grandkids miss dad and grandpa they don't know the depth of my pain and loss.  Being in our home alone leaves me with pain so bad some days I find it hard to breathe.  

Having to decide what to take with me to the new condo and what to leave behind/donate is yet another source of heavy pain.  Most days I feel like I have a boulder in my stomach.  

I haven't moved any of Gord's clothes from our closet and the clothes he went to the hospital in  I had to take home which were bagged up are still in the bag in the closet.  I haven't been able to open the bag yet.  At some point in the next 2 months I have to decide what to do with them.  Do I move them with me to the new condo or do I donate them before I pack up the house?  Sadly I don't have too many of his favourite shirts as he'd lost so much weight I had to buy him much smaller clothes and we'd donated those he could no longer wear.  While he was in the hospital I'd washed the sheets so I didn't even have his smell to come home to when I left the hospital that last terrible day.  

My sister-in-law is making a quilt out of my brother's fave shirts and I'm so happy she has that for herself.  I can smile because we are big on donating and donated Gord's clothes but then cry because we did.  

The decision about his clothes etc will have to be mine and mine alone as no one knows how much it will hurt when I make the decision.  

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