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Hi, I'm new to this site, I Lost the Love of my Life, my Amazing Husband on July 10, 2018 to Lung Cancer there's not a day that goes by that I don't cry at some point I feel it's getting worse than better, I still can't except that I will never see him again, My Heart and Soul is crushed

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Dear Patra24, I'm so sorry that you have lost your beloved husband, and glad that you have found this website.  I too lost my beloved in 2018 - in October, of a sudden cardiac arrest.  It has been a little over 5.5 months now & I am too feeling worse.  If anyone has any insights as to why we would feel worse, I'd love to hear.  Seeking a little wisdom in the midst of a world pain....

I lost Patrick suddenly in September 2018 of SUDEP, a complication of epilepsy.  I am noticing the same thing you are.....the pain is more intense, the loss more vivid.  All I can think is that the permanence of our losses has set in....and we are having to cope with the fact of intense loss at a new level. I have 5 children, 3 of whom are adults; they say that they are experiencing the same thing.  But there is light, and we are all of us walking toward it. The hole in our lives is permanent, but surely the intense pain will lessen. 

I am so Sorry to hear of your loss, everyday is a struggle on may 10th it will be 10months by months, but by Days it already has been I cry everyday, Tomorrow is my husband's birthday he would be 67yrs young , last yr at this time we were getting our boat in the water and going for boat rides with our wine and cheese platter, now my son and son in-law are getting the boats in but it breaks my heart I look out and there it sits without him, I know they mean well and are trying to make everything as normal as it can be, but it will never be the same

These months in the first year are so intensely sad it's hard to believe that it will ever be better.  I do know that people who lost their spouses 1 year or more ago report some easing of their pain....perhaps there is hope in the coming months?  I too have cried every single day for 6 months since Greg died.  For reasons I don't fully understand, every once in awhile, like last night, I'll replay the scenes in the hospital right before he died which I might have hoped were all fully processed by now.

I have found that reading books like "The Year of Magical Thinking" have helped me; also, I am helped by attending a support group and talking to friends.  I also keep a journal and talk to a therapist.  I recommend everyone add as many helps to their lives as they can, as each offers some comfort & helps me keep taking steps toward healing.

That said, I've often noticed that absolutely nothing takes away the longing, sadness, frustration, and agony of not having Greg near me any more.  

Only people who have loved deeply and well will grieve as some of us have, and we are fortunate to have experienced such love.  

I send you prayers & hope for moments when you can see a bright future ahead, and hope that those moments will keep you going forward.  

Dear Patra, KJPE, RFZ and anyone else in the early stages,

My heart goes out to you from one who has been going through this for 4 years, 4 months and 7 days.  No, I don't keep track of it on a daily basis, but it's easy to calculate because it's a date you never forget.

I totally remember your feelings exactly.  Why is it getting worse?  Isn't it supposed to be getting better?  What's wrong with me?

For the first 3 months after Jim passed  I was "spiritual".  He's in a better place.  It's the circle of life. He's a caterpillar that has shed his cocoon and become a beautiful butterfly. Then the true grief, and darkness, started setting in.  Nobody tells you about that.  Nothing prepares you for that. Society keeps giving you different messages. But society hasn't lost the love of their life. Their truest companion. Their refuge from the outside world. Their bedfellows.  Because if they had they wouldn't be spouting the cliches and the power of positive thinking psycho-babble that comes at you.  This is most profoundly one of the worst, if not the worst, thing that will ever happen to you in your Life !

Until now we have not been supposed to talk about the real truth of grief.  For the same reason we don't tell little children how hard life really is.  The real truth is, it doesn't go away for people like us.  You will hear that "the first year is the hardest". Not necessarily true. It's hard because it's the year of shock.  It's the year of your brain and your body being ripped in half because your other half is no longer physically present.  Your loved one is/was a part of your ENTIRE BEING. Your thought process, your memories, your dreams even literally your body chemistry and your heartbeat.  This isn't a cut on the finger you've sustained or even a broken bone that will take months to heal. It's a long, rocky roller coaster. Some days the highs and lows are subtle, other days (or weeks) are dramatic shifts where you are at the highest point of the ride and when you pass the precipice you are being forced downward at breakneck speed and theres nothing you can do to stop it.  But when you reach the bottom it levels out for a minute and starts climbing again.  This is going to go on for a long time.

I had a team made up of my doctor, my therapist and my grief counselor. A common analogy they used is to visualize an upward spiral that's small at the bottom and bigger as it goes up. In the early stages you are in the tight part of the spiral. It represents a circle where you keep coming back around and experiencing the same feelings but as the spiral gets bigger more time elapses between the cycles and you get a chance to catch your breath.

Usually other well meaning people put too much emphasis on getting " better". Getting "over it". "Moving on".  These are all things that are said by people who haven't been through it. To me it is apparent that it's a combination of how long you loved and how deeply you loved that creates some formula of how your grief will go. As far as I can tell from meeting widows older than myself it never goes away it just changes.  Eventually it will be less intense but the timeline depends on that unknown formula that is unique to each individual .

Be prepared,or forewarned, or whatever. Just as year 1 is not what you expected there is a good chance that year 2 may be just as bad, or worse, but in a different way.  You can't fake your way through grief. If you try too hard to push through to happiness odds are it will catch up to you at some point. You are allowed to grieve in your own way.  You are allowed to be sad. To be desperate. To be in so much pain you must cry out. THIS IS NORMAL. This is the process. Part of it is mental but some of it is truly physical just like any other major wound you would sustain.  The important thing is you have found this site for support. I wish I had known about it early on.  I also wish I  could have had the book It's OK That You're Not OK  by Meagan Divine. It wasn't written until a couple years ago but I  found it when I was looking for something to give a friend.  Even at this stage of my grief it helped me immensely. 

I'm here for all of you if you want the real truth and not just tales of a happy ending.

My heartfelt love to you all !

Lady G, That was very nice, I do have that book and I also have another one I find very comforting " Healing after Loss Daily meditation for working through Grief " It is very true what you say until you've been here you really don't know , Honestly I  myself when we moved into our house We had a neighbor She lost her Husband and we would talk and at that point it had been around 5yrs and She'd come over when we'd have campfires and after my Husband and I would say we should find someone that would make her happy,  pure ignorance on our part that I see now, when in my spot at that time only thought how can I make her Happy again,  So when it happened to me one day sitting in my house alone it came to me " I get it" and I'm Sorry KJPE You replied to my Email and I wrote a whole long Email sent it and it got returned to me and I couldn't figure out how to resend it technology is not my strong suit, lol, Well today I sit here and it is my AMAZING Husband's Birthday, it was funny when I woke up I said to him " Because I don't know if it sounds strange but I bring his Urn upstairs with me every night to go to bed, I said Happy birthday Baby as I hugged him and cried then I kinda chuckled I could hear him like he always would,  Yoo Hoo!! Kinda like Big deal and I'd laugh,  Cuz I always make a big deal of Birthdays cuz that is your Special day, I mean really what other time is just a You Day, I'd make his favorite meal Filet mignon and baked potato with asparagus  and have a cake and we'd sit with Our wine and just Enjoy each other as We always did, So tonight I will have that meal and toast the Love of my Life! Today He would be 67yrs Young , Happy Birthday Baby, I Love You Forever

That doesn't sound strange at all.  Sounds perfectly normal to me.

I actually came across another thread here on WV that is titled "Has Anyone Else Gotten Worse As Time Goes By?"  It seems there are a lot of us in this situation and we're all confused by it.  We're all thinking that it isn't supposed to be this way but it somehow I guess this is a normal course of events for a big percentage of us. I encourage you to try and find that thread. There are replies from people in their first few months and those that have been going through it longer than me. 

I hope if you made the Filet dinner that it was special for you. I have a feeling it had roller coaster moments and I've been thinking of you. 

Know that caring, understanding people are out here even when you can't see us ; )

I sit here and I don't know why , I just can't get this feeling out of my head , I'll try to describe it but its really hard to, it's just hard to believe he is gone forever, I  think as we were going through everything to try to save him I was just living in that moment trying everything that I just never actually thought as him as never being here, I just feel so confused and lost, I mean it's not the 1st time I've had a lose, I lost my Mom when I was in my twenties,  I lost my Dad a year before my husband but its different,  it's just a different grief your not with them every day, I'd do anything to be getting up really early and in our trip to Dana Farber, I think they give you such Hope I guess as they should,  but when it happens your like, confused because they were so full of ideas that would help and so positive, I'm sure again it puts you in fight mode but then when they say theres nothing more they can do your like , what are you talking about,  IDK, I'm sorry I'm rambling,  I'm just so lost, I guess I'm wondering does anyone else have this confusion?


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