Hi everyone I am new to the group. I lost my husband 12/27/18 to throat cancer. This time last year he was undergoing treatment at the VA. Doctors felt optimistic about his prognosis, even when he was diagnosed FINALLY diagnosed 2/18 stage IV. We were only married 5yrs after we both had both been married before. I have no family. Only his son in CA who I recently visited. My dilemma is being in the house where our relationship began. We remodeled this home together, got married, then he went on hospice and passed away here. Everything I look at makes he sad. Even good memories and it is eating me up inside. I bought us a winter home in coastal southern Georgia, where must of my things are. Suggestions please if anyone has been in this situation. I see a counselor weekly, but my mind just goes all over the chart on trying to make the right decision. Thank you for letting me vent.
Debbie in Idaho
So sorry for your loss. I lost my wife in December from Renal Cancer and am also pretty new to all of this. No doubt everything in your life will remind you of your husband, there is no getting away from that. When I have short spans of thinking clearly I have written notes of caution to myself to read as I try to survive and continue moving forward. One caution that has really been helpful is to not make any big decisions for a year. This has saved me several times as without it I would have sold my house, quit my job and tried to run away from my current life. Obviously this isn't going to solve my intense feelings of loss and sadness. I am no counselor or expert in these matters, but this has worked for me. Visiting your other house probably won't hurt you, but wherever you go you can't run away from the feelings, reminders and grieving. It is part of you and over time you will deal with it better and find happiness again. KNow you are not alone and I'm sure there are tons of members with more experience and advice to help you.
Thank you Dana. So very sorry for your recent loss also. I had retired when my husband went on hospice. I tried going back to work parttime, but my heart was not in it. Yes I have learned no big decisions. I tried looking at new houses a few times, but our house always won out. I am going to take a short trip out to Georga to check on things. I like your idea of writing notes of caution to yourself. So glad to have come across this group.
Sorry for you loss. It has been all most one year since I lost my husband (June 2) due to a complication from pancreatic cancer surgery. I agree with Dana. While everyone is different, I do think that the really big decisions should be put off for a bit. I went back and forth about selling my house for the first few months, especially since a few people kept asking me whether I was going to. I finally just decided, based on a few different books/web sites, that I would hold to not selling at least for that year. And now that I am almost to that date, I find comfort that I didn’t act too quickly. I still have a lot of my husband’s things here. They bring both joy and sorrow. But I hope sometime in the next year I will be more clear headed about what to keep, what to give away. Everyone is different. I hope you find peace and clarity in your decision. This is an awful path we have been put on.
It really sucks that we have to be in this group together.... I hate that you lost your husband just as you retired. After a 3 yr battle, I lost my husband last October due to Agent Orange induced cancer from his time serving in Vietnam. This past Memorial Day was a horrendous day that I didn’t expect. I had to go to minimal part time work so I could get him back and forth to dr appts and take care of him. He too came home on hospice and died just five days later. Something that has helped me is doing some minor redecorating around the house, especially in the living room where he passed away. I got a new rug and hung some different pictures on the walls. At least now it doesn’t look so much like the room where he passed away. I think of it as looking more like my room now. I’ve tried to work more hours too but just can’t concentrate enough to do so. Some days it’s all I can do to make myself something to eat. I’ve learned just to roll with those days and not force anything, apparently my grief process requires it at that time. Be kind to yourself and take all the time you need to heal.
Our stories are very similar so I felt like if I shared it might help. My husband also died 12/27/18 from cancer. He had Stage IV esophageal cancer that had metastasized to his bones by the time he was diagnosed. He was 48. His prognosis was very poor as it was a very aggressive type of cancer. He only lived 3 months after diagnosis and that was with three rounds of chemotherapy. He was able to celebrate his last birthday at 49 and died three weeks later. We were also married a short time 4 1/2 years and had no shared children. Both of us had been previously married and had children from previous marriage.
You mentioned living in the house where your relationship began. I had the exact situation as well. We bought a house together, remodeled, got married in our living room, and he died in our bedroom while under hospice care all in 5 years time. I lived there with my kids for a few months and decided it was time to move forward. It took 4 months to go through his things and downsize to half the space we had. We moved out 2 weeks ago and I sold the house yesterday and I can tell you I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. There were way too many memories there. Mostly good ones but I always felt sad. I don't feel that way anymore. Yes I miss him terribly but I live somewhere that has nothing to do with him. I went through GriefShare and they always say don't make major decision while grieving. I feel that selling the house was he best decision I could have made for my mental health. I am so glad I did. Only YOU can decide what is right and how you feel. No one can do that for you. There is no wrong decision or way to feel. Grief is funny like that. Everyone thinks things should be done in a certain timeline. WRONG! Do what makes you feel best.
I wish you the best of luck, truly. I know exactly how you feel.