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My husband of 42 yrs passed away on Sept 22/18. (age 64), due to heart & dialysis complications (long story.) 

We met July 3, 1974 the day before my 17th birthday.  Our first date was in August and we were engaged just 3 months later.  I was still in grade 12 so we only told our brothers & friends but didn't tell the parents until October 1975 and married on May 1, 1976.  :o)  We have two sons aged 42 and 39.  The oldest is married to our wonderful daughter-in-law and we have two fabulous grandsons ages 17 & 14.  The youngest is single and no I'm not trying to marry him off.  :o) 

On top of losing Gord my baby brother, David just 52, passed away on October 11, 2018 due to a traumatic brain injury.  Not having Gord to talk to about missing David or having David to talk about missing Gord has made this so very hard for me.  Our two families were very, very close.  I was also lucky enough to be the only girl in the middle of 4 brothers and then have 3 great brother-in-laws.  

It's been difficult these last months with Thanksgiving, then Christmas and New Years and then Valentine's Day which would have been David's 53 birthday.  For us Valentine's wasn't about flowers, etc it was our baby brother's birthday.  Between my oldest and youngest brothers there is a gap of 16+ years.  A good Catholic family.  :o)  I still remember his first birthday cake as mom made a heart shaped one.  The simple things and memories are my trigger for tears.  

I can just get thru telling people about losing Gord but when I go to add about David that destroys me.  Those two were so close as Gord met David when he was just 8 and as my oldest brother was away from home David looked to Gord as his "big brother."  Only 11 & 13+ yrs separated my boys from David so he was very close with them.  Their dad was their hero and David was there big brother.  

Not sure how much else to add about my background and story but I'm a talker so if you want to know - just ask.  

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Thank you for sharing.  My heart hurts with you as I lost my sister and my husband within 22 months of each other.  I didn't have a clue that the two would compound each other so badly that I feel I cannot breathe at times.  My sister was only 42 and died unexpectedly on Feb 3, 2017 in her sleep due to complications of sleep apnea, chf and pneumonia.  My husband of 19 years (and best friend of 37) passed on 12/12/2018 after battling multiple co-morbidity issues for over 6 years. He lived in tremendous pain and attached to an iv for over 5 years. He was only 56.  I have no idea why I thought it would be easier to let him go as he was so miserable and so ready to go "home."  It isn't easier than losing Ericka unexpectedly.  So now I just struggle with losing both of them. We are blessed with a large family, but I still feel alone.  I can't understand how I can have a horde of grand-kids surrounding me yet still feel totally alone. I feel like a ghost or something. I know I need to pull myself out of this depression, but cannot seem to figure out where my joy went.  And I am so grateful for my family.  I am grateful for every minute I had with Ericka and Rick.  I just don't know who I am anymore.

I understand about thinking it would be easier to let him go as he was in such pain and even tho' I told him it was okay to leave it wasn't.  Even  though our sons, daughter-in-law, older grandson and best friend were there with me felt so alone.  He was my guy and losing him means my life will never be same and never as happy as we were together.  I know this doesn't mean I won't be happy again but losing someone who was such an important part of me destroyed something in me.  It's only been since October but I feel like a zombie just getting thru the days.  Sometimes the whole day is gone and I have no idea what I did or how I got thru it.  I still get out to be with the kids and grandkids and friends but even with those closest to me I feel all alone.  

I was to have the basement and garage cleaned out by the end of March for photos to be taken for the house sale but it's not done.  I go downstairs and start then come across something that makes me lose my breath and the tears are just so bad I go back upstairs and usually crawl back to bed.  I'm not in bed everyday but more than I'd like.  My doctor isn't changing my anxiety/depression prescription as she said no meds can take away my pain.  They'll help keep me from getting so low that I would be scared but can only help enough to get me thru a day at a time.  I'm mentally exhausted which keeps me physically exhausted and then when I don't accomplish what I need to get done I'm mentally exhausted again.  Grief coupled with depression & anxiety she said is and can be a horrible cycle but that's why I keep going to her to check in with her.  

To get me going today I asked two good friends to come and help me out.  I'm terrible at asking for help even tho' they keep telling me to ask.  In the last years I did everything for Gord and around the house and yard and didn't ask for help.  Yes we have two big boys and grandsons and while they have come over to help with the house they have their own schedules and lives and I find it hard to ask.  

It's an early Spring here so I need to have it done within the next 2 weeks so the house can go up for sale.  

I'm okay with the move out of the house it's the move in to the new condo that's causing me the heartache.  It's because I'll now have everything in the condo that Gord and I had planned on.  I feel guilty even tho' my head tells me not to.  

For 43 years I had identified myself first as a wife, then a mother and grandmother.  They came first but I never felt I came last as I know how much they loved me.  Now I have to identify as Loranna and without Gord I have no idea who I should be.  Right now that's the scariest thing as I have no idea how or what to do.  


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