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II have checked all the boxes of all the “firsts”. First holidays, birthdays, anniversary of the last family vacation, which I am so grateful for. 

June 2, 2018 was the day my world burned. May 31, 2018 was the day of the crash. That was the day of his Whipple procedure that went so horribly wrong. My husband, Mark, almost bled out on the table and after two more surgeries, the vent came out.

I thought I was doing better around month 10 - I actually found a job. And quit two weeks later. I was having panic attacks and crying so much again. Please don’t think I didn’t work, I worked for the state and left vested. I am not afraid of work. I think I am more afraid of my life now. Without him. I, once again, am crying in the night. Or right before I sleep,  I feel so lost and discouraged.  Does anyone else feel like they have regressed after the one year anniversary? 

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Dear Kris, I am sorry for your loss. Just so you know year 2 is the hardest year. If you speak with any grief counselor, clinician or griever they will tell you this. Year one you catalog all the firsts as you mention in your post and you are numb with shock. Year 2 reality sets in and you have to figure out what to do with this new life you didn't ask for and don't want. I am at the 18 month mark and feel like I am just coming out of my funk and starting to slowly get some things together. My 15 year old daughter had a horrible year this year and she is also just coming out of it all. We still have a way to go but I am finally feeling like I can figure some of this out. 

I too thought I was doing better at month 10 and then I went into a big depression that lasted for awhile. I came out of it again and then around the one year mark it started again. It took me awhile to recover but I am getting there. I also have done my fair share of crying after the one year mark. I also broke down 2 months ago and started taking anti depressants. Something I tried to avoid but it was all too much  on me. It made a huge difference.  It also doesn't help that "the world" expects after a year that you will be in a better place. 

Just be patient with yourself. Let the feelings come and feel them. Surround yourself with people who love you and be kind to yourself. 

This is a terrible journey that no one should have to walk. I certainly never thought I would be here but for the first time in a long time I feel like I am going to be okay. You will get there. 

Hugs to you. 

Dear Kris, I feel very similar to the way thatyou do. I have done almost all of my firsts...the first anniversary is in 3 days and I feel like I am sinking down again. By the 10 month I also felt better and like coming out of the storm, but I guess I still have a long way to go.

I thought year 2 would not be so hard as the first... At least I hoped so, but I can understand Weemunk and how the new reality will start kicking in full force. 

Kris63, Thanks for your post and thanks to Weemunk's reply. I am only at 6 months and am Sorry I don't have a good answer for you, but I want you to know I feel what you're experiencing right now. I always prided myself on being a goal achieving, get it done kind of guy and I feel like I am much worse now than I was in the first few months. I am having a problem seeing a future or anything to look forward too. Hopefully that comes about in year 2 like Weemunk suggested, because somehow I feel that is a key for me personally. Looking forward to something seems impossible right now for me, but I keep looking every day, even though my emotions and heart don't want to. I read 4 or 5 inspirational quotes each morning and night, just to try to help with feeling so hopeless. I have not been hit as hard on the firsts but it sounds like they will be hard in year two also. Sorry I don't have a solid answer but know everyone is here for you and from all I've read their will be moving forward and regressing for quite a while. Just hang in there and know you've been better before and will be better again. I know I appreciate your sharing and asking the questions, everyone's experiences are helpful and know I don't know you but I'm sending good thoughts your way.

Thank you all for your responses. It is comforting to know others are out there, and I am not alone in the way I feel. (Although I am sorry we are all in this so-called club.) it truly has become a one day, or even one minute/hour at a time.

   Weemunk- I am truly sorry your daughter has had such loss so young. My girls are grown and having a time of it. I can only try to image how you must be with your daughter.

   I thought I knew loss, having lost my my parents already. Losing my husband has taken sorrow to a whole new level of grief.

Wishing us all some peace,

Kris

I started year 2 in March, and I don't know excately what I thought would happen after the "firsts" were finished, but  I too fell into depression because I feel I have gotten worse. Thankfully, I have a good friend that will answer any question I ask her, to the best she can, and she told me she still cries at the drop of a hat when anything gives her a flashback. She lost her husband 6 years ago. She is my saving grace when I need to hear truth, and one I can allow my emotions out. Most feel I should be over it by now if I was trying, so I don't share my deep feelings with them and I'm ok with that. I don't know where I'll  will be next year when I'm beginning my 3rd year, but as long as the videos continue to play in my head and I can feel his nearness I'm alright with it. God Bless

Sis, sorry for your loss. How ironic that I have a friend her lost her husband to an aneurism about 6 years ago. I worked with her years ago and when mark died she was one of the first to reach out and has one of the best supporters I have had. We are both lucky to have such people. 

I hope everyone on this this thread gets through the 4th of July smoothly and peacefully  (if you celebrate it).

Kris

I am 7 years 8 months and 12 days out and yes counting the months and days. Year 7 feels like years one and two combined and it sucks. We all regress at some point then pull back   out of it. It does become softer

Thank you for your response. I am learning how one day I may feel one way and the next is a total pivot on the sorrow scale. I am sorry for your loss as well as mine. ☮️

I hate that we are on this website.  I also feel like I’m regressing. I’m not quite at the year mark yet, only 8 months into it. There are times when I think I’m progressing and then I’m brought down to my knees with grief. I don’t think this will ever stop and will only be less intense.  You said you worry about regressing. Maybe if you take a step back and see how far you’ve come in the last year you can see a different picture?  I don’t know. This is all new to me. I’m trying to figure it out too. Don’t beat yourself up about the job not working out. You tried. It didn’t work out.  We have already experienced the “worst” in the “What’s the worst that can happen?” .  I like to remind myself of this. It’s somewhat empowering. What do I have to be afraid of?  The worst has already happened.  

GKinSD - boy you nailed it . . . The worst has already happened. Such a simple but powerful statement. I am sorry for your loss. I think we all need to remember that grief is not linear. It is like a screwed up roller coaster that, unfortunately, we can’t get off. Take care.

 

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