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Widowed in 2018

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We are grateful you found us so soon after your loss, but until this group grows please feel free to also join the Widowed in 2017.

Members: 119
Latest Activity: 8 hours ago

Discussion Forum

Introduction-feeling lost

Started by MomoftwinsinCanada. Last reply by sunshinesoon 8 hours ago. 2 Replies

I lost my husband of 12 years on Oct 1st, 2018. He was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2015, did very well on targeted therapy, worked as a physician full time until April 2018 and became a passionate…Continue

Lost my wife last January

Started by randy61543. Last reply by Lucky yesterday. 1 Reply

My wife and I were married on 09/15/2017. She passed on 01/05/2018. Even though we were only married those few short months, we were together for 10 years. She was the love of my life. We had that…Continue

I don't really know what to say

Started by Kek5772. Last reply by IHaftaBeStrong on Sunday. 5 Replies

Hello my name is Beth,Where does one start when their heart has been broken, when words of comfort do little to stop the tears or calm your rapid breathing.Five months ago my husband of 21 years was…Continue

Husband recently passed

Started by Elizarahana. Last reply by Luv4Z Nov 18. 7 Replies

Not sure if this is how to post. My husband died August 30th from liver cancer. We have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I don’t know how to deal with this pain. Taking care of my kids feels…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on April 23, 2018 at 5:40am

(((Hugs Miss Em)))

My husband was also killed in a car collision. Myself & our kids were not with him, however, we were still traumatized. Our following years were unimaginable as well as difficult for other grieving widow/ers to grasp to this very day ...

Seek out professional help from a Trauma Therapist for you & your boys to prevent permanance - preferably someone w/EMDR credentials ...

Trauma causes a far more brutal impact on the psyche that can lead to permanant damage such as PTSD & dissociative problems - it is very much unlike the common grief symptoms people suffer. Sudden deaths - those w/out warning - are different from anticipated deaths - the prevailing imminence allows time for the psyche of their widowed to prepare ahead of the death. Trauma as well as grief are extremely difficult to process w/out professional help especially if the death was preventable & fault lies on another person(s) ...

Please seek help ...

Many prayers for you & your sons ...

Comment by Weemunk on April 23, 2018 at 5:06am

Miss Em, I am so sorry for your loss. I can completely understand about being in the fog. My husband passed away 4 months ago and I am just coming out of that fog and trying to piece my life back together. I have a 14 year old daughter and she is involved in grief counseling as am I.

It is hard to deal with your own grief and your children's as well. I was just very real with my daughter. I didn't fall apart in front of her but I have never hid my grief from her. She sees me cry and she knows I am sad, as I know she is.

I hate to sound insensitive but I don't care about anyone else's grief but mine and my daughters. Other people, including his parents, get to go back to their lives and escape the pain while we have to live every second of a changed life without our husbands. I feel resentful when other people talk to me about their grief. He wasn't their life, he was my life - my past, my future and all of that was ripped away.

Be kind to yourself. Everyone grieves differently and your whole life has changed. There is no right way for you to grieve or behave. You get a big pass right now. I read, I journal, I look through pictures...whatever I can do to make me feel connected to my husband.

I totally get that you were supposed to grow old together. A big part of us dies when our spouse dies. Sheryl Sandburg wrote a wonderful book about the death of her husband called Option B. It pissed me off that I have to figure out Option B right now, but I have no choice, it was taken away from me.

Hugs to you and your boys. I hate this for all of us.

Comment by Miss Em (Emma) on April 22, 2018 at 6:46pm

3 and a half weeks ago, my husband of 22 years was killed in a car accident. Myself and our three teenage sons were also in the car, but he was the only fatality. We all survived. I was the most injured, and the boys escaped literally with only a few scratches and bruises. 

I am just at the beginning of this journey. How do I support the boys when I have no idea what I am doing with myself? I cant even feel it all properly yet. I live in a numb foggy space. Where I am fine and yet not at the same time. I cant bring myself to even want to go to work again, yet, I am making them go to school. 

His parents are devastated and yet I carry on. Friends look at me and burst into tears and I hug them dry eyed. 

It wasn't going to be like this. We were supposed to grow old together.

Comment by Laurel on April 22, 2018 at 6:32pm

I agree with everyone that someone who has experienced widowhood seem to be the only ones I’ve encountered who really get it—for heaven’s sake, I don’t really get it, so how could someone who has never had this experience truly understand. I loved my husband dearly and he was a good, good man. No anger, just extreme anguish. The house is so quiet without him. We had no children—we met a little later in life after both of us had divorced. For 2+ years we both tried so hard to get him well, but the cancer kept coming. I’m truly happy he does not have to struggle, but I miss him so. Thank you all for listening. I don’t want to be a broken record to others. However, it does help to say these things. I’m so sorry to hear all the sad stories here—so sorry for everyone’s losses. I agree that each person experiences this uniquely and I’m sad to say uniquely painfully. Peace and love to you all.

Comment by Rzh895 on April 22, 2018 at 4:59pm

I am so sorry, Laurel and others. I lost my husband of 27 years nine weeks ago, and I'm still shell shocked. I don't think that is something that is going to go away anytime soon. I will say that over that time, I have seen a very slight change in my being able to cope, although my brain functioning and energy level remain very low. Probably the one thing I've learned, other than this is the absolute worst thing I can imagine ever happening to me, is that everyone has different needs and is on a different "schedule" in going through the process. I have always been a real introvert, but I've found that I really have had to reach out to try and make friends/acquaintances for support, even though my family has been supportive. Other widows have made the best supporters - the pen pal program through this site, and a local grief group have helped carry me.  If you are a reader, the Wolfelt books are highly recommended, and I really enjoyed It's OK That You're Not OK, as it validated that much of what I was feeling is NORMAL for grief. The first few weeks, about all I could remember to do was to get out of bed, hydrate, and eat something. And I didn't always do very well at even those three tasks!  There are no magic bullets, and this sucks, and it's probably not going to get a whole lot better for a long time. But, we will make it through, and we may even learn some good things from a very bad situation. My thoughts are with you.

Comment by familia1 on April 22, 2018 at 12:38pm

My deepest condolences Laurel and Nayajivan.   I lost my husband the same week as you both (3/11).  We would have been together 19 years. 

Comment by nayajivan on April 22, 2018 at 8:10am

Hi Laurel,

I lost my Wife of 19 years to Kidney Failure on 3-12-18.

Even I am undergoing great pain and hurt at the loss, but now, you will have to accept the hard, harsh, cruel reality that the person whom we adored and loved for all these years is gone and no more.

but, please understand that now you will reached this wonderful and helpful group where we all are facing, fighting and coping with the same tragic situation and supporting each other to heal the pain !

Lots of Prayers and Blessings for U,

Naya Jivan

Comment by Laurel on April 21, 2018 at 6:39pm

I lost my husband of 20 years to pancreatic cancer on 3-13-18. I’m still shellshocked. :-(

Comment by Rzh895 on April 7, 2018 at 5:40am

Thank you for sharing, RedWidow. I can't believe how similar our situations seem. It is comforting to know that there is someone else out there who really gets the situation with the spouse with medical and mental issues. Adds a lot of guilt and anger to the equation. Thank you!

Comment by RedWidow on April 6, 2018 at 7:31am

@Rzh895 - I'm right there with you. My husband's cirrhosis wasn't just alcohol-induced. It was fatty alcohol liver disease, too. Plus, he was bipolar and the meds he took for years likely contributed to the liver failure (acute liver failure is listed as a rare side effect). So it was a perfect storm for him. Alcoholism, bipolar, anxiety - we battled these in our marriage. I love him wholeheartedly, but mental health issues create a third party in a marriage. 

I firmly believe that alcohol abuse is a mental health disorder. It is recognized as a disability under our country's charter of rights. But still, his alcohol abuse and lack of self-care caused his liver to fail, caused me to be widowed, caused our kids to lose their dad. And yeah, I am mad at him for that.

Don't misunderstand me - I'm so very sad and devastated that I lost him. But there's a tiny voice inside that whispers to me (and makes me feel incredibly guilty!) "at least he can't hurt you or the kids anymore". How terrible is that. He was a good man, but he struggled with his mental health. Those struggles caused him to act in ways that would push us away in order to subconsciously protect himself from being hurt by us (he always felt he wasn't good enough and that I would "realize that" and leave him). 

I wish I had something to offer you in terms of advice for lessening the anger. All I can do is commiserate and tell you I hear you. I'm walking the same path as you. 

 

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