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it’s been 5 weeks since my extremely healthy, active 64 year old husband passed away in his sleep. I have so much pain and so many tears and so many questions. How can his happen to a healthy, active person. It was just my husband and I and our cat, Max. The house is so quiet (except for Max, who is not). I don’t sleep at night and keep wondering if this is what the rest of my life will look like. This is SO Hard.

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Jules,

I can relate, as I lost my significant other recently too, on 9/1. I miss him so much every second of every day. Home just isn’t the same, as there are so many memories and reminders of him here. It gets very lonely.  My friends try to offer support and encouragement and keep me busy, but it only helps so much. I too have lots of questions, which leads to guilt about whether there is anything I could have done to make things turn out differently. Do you feel jealous every time you see a couple spending time together, since you and your husband can’t anymore? I do get scared when I read things posted by other people about how long it’s been since their loss and they are still hurting badly...wondering what the rest of your life will look like sounds like me too. The only thing that has maybe helped a little is journaling...I’m usually not much for that, but a couple days ago I grabbed a journal and started writing to him, whatever I wanted to say. I’m sorry I can’t offer more advice as I’m new to this too, just wanted to let you know that someone out there read your post and cares. <3

The funeral home suggested a write a letter to him to be cremated with him. While it was really hard to do , I did do that. I found a journal called the Widows Journal that I write in. I like it because it gives topics and lots of space to respond. I’ve  also joined Grief Share which is a 14 week program. My friends,too, try to distract me. I’m tired of going out to dinner, having coffee or drinks though. I have a live/ hate relationship with being alone in the house right now. Hopefully you and I will eventually find some comfort in knowing we can go forward in this life. I know my husband will be waiting for me when it’s my time.im sure your  significant other will be waiting for you too. I’m reading lots of books about Heaven right now. That concept actually makes me feel better.

take care and reach out whenever you need to.

J

I found a GriefShare group too. I started this past Sunday on week 2, because I didn’t find out about it in time for week 1.  It’s maybe a little religious for me, but the people were nice so I think I’ll stick with it. I like the workbook with the daily exercises...it helps me focus on my grief and devote daily time to grief rather than just sitting there with my head spinning, not being able to actually finish a thought. The intro to the workbook was the only thing that was a little much. I’m just not ready to hear about how death and suffering is all in God’s plan, it’s what we deserve, etc. but yet you should turn your life over to God and it will be ok. Still a little too confused and angry for all that, why would I want to turn my life over to a God who let all this happen. I’m a little tired of going out to dinner and drinks too- for right now trying to find a balance of staying busy and having alone time. I did alway like cooking dinner, it was kind of an unwinding thing, so last night I had 2 friends over to cook for them. We ate outside on the porch. It was nice, but just not the same though, you know? It’s like nothing can really be good enough except him coming back, which I know can’t happen. For now, I guess we just take it one day at a time. 

Goodnight,

S

Oh my gosh! You sound so much like me. I go to church but am not a particularly religious person. I believe in God and I do believe our spirit goes somewhere when we die. I totally agree.. way to soon to hear that this is “Gods plan. Or He must have needed your husband for a higher purpose.”. Just NOT there yet. I also love to cook. Cooking for 1? Not so much fun. Still just going through the motions.

Yeah, me too. I’m still trying to figure out what I believe as far as what happens when we die...whether it’s our spirit going to a heaven type thing, an energy we have that lives on, some type of force, or something. Before all this happened I really didn’t believe much of anything happened, but now I would like to think that some piece of him lives on somehow. And I just don’t want everybody to forget him, you know?! Anyway, I’ve always tried to make exercise a part of every day, and I’ve found that keeping up with that helps. Also, one friend is a yoga instructor, and worked with the studio she teaches at to get me a free pass to a 5 week series she’s teaching. I thought it was nice and unique of her to do that for me...gives me something to look forward to and do other than going out to eat and all that stuff.  Too bad nothing helps with the longing for him, ans the loneliness, and the jealousy of all the couples out there that get to be together. Try to hang in there, and I’ll try too. 

S

I was surprised how angry I got when my 2 brothers-in-law started talking about their upcoming vacations. I wanted to say how unfair it is. I started a cleaning/ painting project today . After painting our shoe closet it went to put my shoes back in figuring it donate my husbands. I saw his favorite flip flops and totally broke down. I think I need to keep those forever. 

I am 4 weeks in and I can't stop thinking about what happens, if anything, when you die. I'm the opposite of you, I used to believe that there was a life afterward, but now I'm having trouble thinking that there is anything after death. It's almost like it sounds too good to be true. I haven't gone to GriefShare or anything, I don't know if I could stand hearing about both God's will and heaven when I just don't know if I can believe that right now, no matter how  much I would like to. I agree with you too, it is scary to see some of the posts from people that are years in and talking about how things are so hard. I just have to hope that it also gets easier.

Look for signs from your partner. They are there if you are open to seeing them: flashing lights that shouldn't be flashing, a feather lying somewhere odd, a favorite song of your partner's that comes on when you're thinking of him, dimes on the ground, cardinals, birds that won't leave you alone, butterflies that hang out with you, and especially electronics that act up for no explicable reason. I even got a phone call the day my husband died and there was no record of it on my phone. There was nobody on the other end (who I could hear, at least), but my mother got an identical call moments after my father died. These signs will show you that there is life after death.

I"m so sorry. My husband died unexpectedly as well. It is very hard to know what to do with your life now that your husband is gone. I still have not figured it out. I find chatting to friends that are complete strangers help me along the way. 

I understand your pain and loneliness. 

It's been six months since my husband died unexpectedly. That will seem like a long time to those of you who just lost your partner, but it feels like yesterday. The real pain didn't start until the shock wore off, about 3 months after his death. I do have a deep faith and caring friends who are sustaining me but the sadness is crushing. I can barely get out of bed most days. I work from home, which means I work all night long to make up for sleeping all day. I'm just so tired. I started grief therapy. I've never been to therapy before so I didn't know what to say the first session. The second session, I couldn't stop talking. I hope it helps. I can't see my future either but I do believe God has a plan and I know my husband is around. He gives little signs. We'll all get through this but we can't put a time limit on our grief. There isn't one that fits all. God bless you all.

Hi Jules, It's been 7 weeks for me. Although it wasn't suddenly, I still am in so much denial and can't understand why it had to happen.  It was so out of the blue though leading up to it.  My husband was also a healthy, Very active 61 year old who we thought was just having a gallbladder attack one day.  Were we shocked when testing came back and found metastatic pancreatic cancer and even with treatment, they gave him 8 to 12 months.  We were like the "cute, fun, happy couple".  It hurts so bad, that some days I don't think I can go on. I am also having a terrible time sleeping.  I have been looking into some different things to try and help me along.  I find that if I try to change up my routine a little bit it seems to help some what.  I also(from the recommendation of a friend) have registered for a grief share group.  I'm not sure how it will be, it starts on Jan. 16th, but I thought I would give it a try.  I also visited a woman who teaches all kinds of meditation and just my connection with her gave me a sense of calmness.  I agree with you that this is So Hard. I just wanted to let you know that you are certainly not alone with your feelings.  I still can't imagine the rest of my life without my best friend by my side, but I do believe that his spirit is alive. I know that he has sent me some signs that he is still with me in spirit. He has to be, he was an amazing person.   I know that people have faith in different things which is great because I think that having faith in something can get you through the darkest of times.  I don't suppose that the feelings will ever go away, but I do have to believe that we learn how to cope with them a little at a time.  There are days when it takes all I have to get through hour by hour, but that's ok because it has to happen in my own time.  I do hope that we all can find a little bit of peace in each day to help us get by.  I think seeing that we are being brave enough to share some feelings here, means that we are on a good path.  Wishing you peace, love, and happiness--hour by hour--day by day.

Jules, Kiki, Riskybiz and everyone else. 

You all have said things in your posts that have hit home for me.  That terrible feeling of dealing with each day, each hour that your partner for life is gone.  It's the first and last thing I think about each day.  Some days go by a little better than others, but I fall into the depression hole often.  Then climbing out of it takes a lot of work.  And then the cycle starts all over again of better days and then wham!  I spoke with a grief counselor about 3 weeks after my wife's passing.  It helped in some ways to bring some of the grief to the surface.  I found that sharing my feelings, both good and bad, has helped me to push thru.  I would though like to know what anyone's thoughts are about attending a grief share group.  Is this going to help or just make me that more miserable?  The other thing that I have struggled with is sleep.  With or without a sleep aid, I'm still only getting about 3-5 hours each night.  

I too lost my wife 7 weeks ago.  At age 58 we both never thought or dreamed of this happening.  Cancer is a mean beast and it made our lives miserable for 11 months.  I tell people that she didn't suffer in the end but she sure did suffer for 11 months.  I miss her every day.  Riskybiz, I hear you.  I ache for my wife.  I'm lonely.  And I have never cried as much as I have for the past few months.  I wish I could offer advice but thank you everyone for sharing!

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