My name is Natalia. I'm 33 and a mother of an 18 month old girl. My 37 year old husband passed unexpectedly Saturday morning after self medicating following a sinus surgery. He wasn't an addict, but was very impulsive and a risk taker. He suffered from severe mental illness which disabled him in many ways ( he was legally disabled from a young age due to it ). Most of that illness was caused by terrible abuse in childhood. We had an immense amount of love for each other, magical at times. But his behavior and illness led to many hardships and required so much forgiveness and caretaking on my part. I didn't think I could handle anymore after things werent improving and became much more of burden on my part when we had our daughter. He kept experiencing traumatic incidents that sabotaged the efforts he was making in therapy and lifestyle changes. We were thinking of divorce, but hadn't started yet. He still wanted yet another chance, and I was trying to detach as much as possible to survive. I'm sorry this is so long, it's just making my grief complex and confusing. The black and white effect of death has made me remember and cherish and admire his good qualities again, and not feel as resentful and hurt and protective of myself. It's made me miss him. I'm very confused and heartbroken. I've no idea what to do with myself or my life or all the responsibilities I am left with. I thought the potential divorce and being a single mom was the worst that was going to happen, and yet now my baby doesnt have her loving father. Being a good dad was everything to him, and he had a good and sweet heart.
Anyway, I had recently given up my career after realizing he couldnt be the stay at home parent I needed to continue as a flight attendant. I am right in the middle of my first semester working towards becoming a funeral director. But now I dont know how or if I want to continue. I'll need to get a job and somehow get this house ready to sell so I can live somewhere with less responsibilities and fees/maintenance. I'm scared of living alone. Everytime I have, the loneliness kills me… and that was before I had a child. I dont have family to rely upon. His parents are very accepting of me and helpful, but they take care of his grandmother so can only do so much. My dad is dying of cancer that has spread to his lungs. Everything was so hard before his death, I couldn't imagine it would become the insurmountable mess it is right now. I've barely slept since she was born, and spent all of her life isolated and taking care of her on my own, taking on the bulk of responsibility, paying for the bills out of my savings, unable to work per childcare, just hanging onto my sanity by a thread.
I just wanted a simple life of a contented home, enjoying seeing her grow and cooking and doing fun easy things together. I don't understand the oppressive tragedy I keep having to endure, or how I'm supposed to cope.
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