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Today is the first day of truly sitting alone.

After a year of watching the most wonderful woman a man could ever imagine disappear slowly I sit alone and scared. I have never made a decisions in my life without that lady helping me with her council and guidance. We became a couple in high school, me 14 her 15, on valentines day 1980. She slipped away from me as I lay beside her holding her hands staring into the most wonderful blue eyes on 10/10/2019 a week before she turned 55. We went from being the happiest people in the world to something else over night after a doctor told us colon cancer with extensive spreading to liver. Two weeks later we are told very aggressive and with treatment "maybe" a year. Even then we did not believe them but we ended up with only 10 months. Most of which  was so painfully difficult for us both. 

I hugged and kissed her before this happened as often each day as I could for most of my life. Our mornings each day started with cuddle time. When the alarm sounded in my world it meant my honey was going to be wrapped in my arms for 10 to 20 minutes. Knowing this was the best my day was ever going to offer me. Now the alarm goes off and she is not there.

I started work earlier than Sharon, so each day she made a lunch and a breakfast sandwich fixed a bag for me to take to work. I would get a wonderful hug a kiss and a special make my day moment and be handed my sandwich. Now nothing, I almost hate just making a coffee for myself.

I would be home 2 hours before Sharon and I would wait with the excitement of a puppy for the love of my life to come home. Meeting her at the door I would take her bags and wrap my arms around her to welcome her home with a  kiss, like it was our first one. She is never coming home again.

Weekends were total bliss as cuddle time was extended hours often till noon. 

I understand love never dies and I can feel her love each and every moment of my being. 

But... her touch, her kiss, her playfulness, her sweetness, her kindness, her voice, her laughter, her giggle, her looking at me, her making me feel like I was the only person in the whole world has be ripped away from me and I cannot breathe anymore. I am only 13 days in. 

I do know I do not wish to feel this way the rest of my life. I do not want to feel this way for even one more day. Only her return can fix that. I know she is not coming home I carried her tiny body downstairs and gave her to the people that took her away, the last time she left our home. She passed as she wanted in her home, and in her room, and in her bed. 

All year I told her I needed just one more second, one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more month, many more years. I do not want much I just want the rest of my life with her. She told me she was done and could not do it anymore and I told her I understand. The lady never stopped as the night before she was still trying to eat and still drinking but her body could not keep going.

Now I am without a kiss good night, a kiss good morning, a kiss goodbye, a kiss hello, and a kiss because we could. I am as sad for her as I am for me as she doesn't get anything from me either. I loved you babe and you loved me and I guess with are just left with wanted it all. Hopefully you can get Freddy to sing "I want it all" live for you. 

Oh my this hurts folks.

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Replies to This Discussion

I'm so sorry you lost the love of your life. Try to get help as soon as possible. You need to grieve and work through the many stages you'll enter and leave. Try to get out of the house every day for other than work. I'm speaking from experience. It's too easy to become mired in depression when you stay home alone. God bless you.

Thank you Pat,

I knew this was coming as she was ill for a year with cancer. I have already looked into group and one on one help. Thanks for your kind words.

It hurts, friend. It truly is a living hell, yet we must carry on somehow with the firm belief that in the near or far future we will go too, and meet them again. This is not the end of the story, dont forget that. You will see her again. I dont know if you are a believer, but if you are the best thing to do is to pray for God to rest her with his saints and to strenghten you while you are still in this side of the veil. But I feel you. I lost my precious husband over night, we had no idea he is ill, i just found him dead in the morning, in January, and every day is a nightmare, from the second I wake up. However, i can feel my brain working through it sll, processing it, so i know at a certain point some sort of acceptance and reorganisation of my life will follow. 

How I wish this would only be a bad dream and we would all wake up. :(

Roxana,

Yes, I said to Sharon a few days ago I wish we would just wake up from this nightmare and it not be real. I also said that if the nightmare was real I just want to hold her in my arms we could just go to sleep and never wake up. Now she is not here anymore the twisted part is I feel dead going to bed and I wake feeling dead. The rest of the day is a fog with crappy thoughts.

It is going to be like this for a while, Sam. Our lives are forever changed in the most horrific of ways. But I believe they can hear us and they are mentally with us. Hang on in there. We are only separated for a while. 

To AtSam

As I read your post, I felt the pain that you are feeling. My husband was my world, my all. No one could ever replace my husband, and I went stir crazy trying to find a way to live again. I just wanted to be with him. My husband was taken suddenly from me July 27 at the swimming pool where I held him in my arms in total shock and loss. We were very close and in the deepest love imaginable. I secluded myself from the world for almost two months. It was tough, rough, sad, hard, emotional, heartbreaking, feeling of loss. 

I am so sorry you have to feel this awful pain. It is in itself, the worst ever. Reaching out to others helped me eventually, especially strangers that knew nothing about me. I could vent and tell all and talk about whatever I wanted. One in particular is a man on this site who has helped me through some of my toughest days.

Once again, I know your pain, I think we all do. The healing process will depend upon you. I will be thinking of you. You can chat with me anytime you feel a need.

Have a blessed day

I have looked for the Chat function here and it seems to be gone.

Yep that is exactly what I need is to talk to others. Tried to join a grief group but was told I have to wait 60 to 90 days. Will go to one on one next week. Most of the pain is in my head and the inability to breathe.

Yep - the loss of touch really is bad but for the most part I just need to hear her voice. I can see her in my head but the sweet voice seems to be gone.

Truly, I am so sorry to learn of your lost. Believe me I do understand. My darling husband and I met in the sixth grade. We attended different high schools so we didn't see each other again until we were 20 and 22....but the bond was instant....you have lost the love of your life and I am sure it still is hard to believe  she's not coming back. I wish I could say something to lift your spirits. The best I can do is to tell you to take it one day at a time. Join a Griefshare group. Don't be afraid to cry. If you need to get away do so. I dreaded the holidays so I took a Christmas cruise. Every one grieves differently so do what you need to do while you are trying to figure out this new chapter in your life. Hopefully, you have a support group of one or two friends who don't mind listening to you. I agree with the suggestion about getting out of the house each day. Sometimes I would just go for a drive. I also found solace in listening to certain songs. One song I just came across is Drowning by Chris Young. Above all, take care of yourself physically. I will be praying for you. 

I too totally understand where you are coming from. The loss for me was devastating and has left a hugh hole in my heart.

Unless you have experienced a loss of your spouse, you cannot feel or understand what the grief process is. My sweet Norma

passed away July 24, 2019 after surviving breast cancer in 2015. Her esophegeal cancer diagnosis happened after a routine

5 year colonoscopy/GERD checkup with absolutely no symptoms. I was her caregiver for 11 months and she was given the green

light after her 3 month checkup in March.

However after getting the shingles/nerve pain in April, she started getting weaker and weaker.

Unfortunately we never discussed death because we thought we had the cancer beat. It metastasized in the fluid in her lungs,

making it hard to breathe.

She too was my whole world, I was with her 24/7 and she spent her last day in Hospice, which was a Godsend.

They treated her with dignity, unlike the way her hospital visits  went.

I am fortunate to have a 1 on 1 Hospice counselor and heve group grief sessions a couple times a month. 

Grief for everyone is different and you just have to go through it.

My faith remains strong, knowing Ill see her again.

I have a post it note on my bathroom mirror that helps sustain me.

It is the word ACCEPTANCE.....in order to keep yourself from going crazy, you must accept all that has happened

and also the word GRATITUDE for being given another day that I can try and be a positive influence 

for all, esp. my kids and grandkids

It will get better.....hope this helps!

I will keep you in my prayers

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