I lost my husband on September 22, 2019. He was an alcoholic and decided to take a whole bottle of pills. The guilt is eating me alive. He left me and my special needs son alone. He promised to never leave us, but that's exactly what he did. I miss him so much and I blame myself for his death. I could have stopped it. I could've done more for him and I didn't. I will live the rest of my life knowing it was my fault that he's not here and I don't know if I can live like that. Everyone tells me that he made his own decisions and I am not to blame for them, but I do blame myself. I will always blame myself. My son will grow up without a father because of me.
I don't want to feel this way. I really don't, but I do. I don't know how to not feel this way.
Mel I am so sorry to hear what you are going through in the loss of your husband. I wish I knew somwrhing to say to take the pain away..I lost my husband 9/11/19...I am and have been working on myself with 'self talk' now as I have been for a few years. He wasn't good about taking care of himself and my understanding, sympathizing, even nagging. pleading, begging, did not get through to him. I still think ..maybe..if I had tried .... then my mind will go to various scenarios of could have, should have ...but I realize I will never know if there really was anything I could have done to convince him to change his habits..
I do not know if you have ever tried this..but I have started meditation. I go to u-tube and look up various teachers. One I like is Eckhart Tolle..he makes sense to me and honestly has helped me a lot with guilt, worry, regret..On a regular basis I also pray in combination with the meditation that both have been helpful for me I wish you all the best..but mostly I wish you joy, peace and love...I understand, when we are in pain it is hard to believe we will.can ever feel them again but I think we can .
I nagged and begged for him to stop drinking and to think of his son and I. He didn't really believe that things could go too far and they did. I feel like he played with his life and thought no consequences would arise from it. I am angry, disappointed, and sad all at the same time. I try not to be, but it's hard to accept reality. I am still somewhat in denial. I admit it and I know that when the time comes, I will have to face it and try to continue living this empty life.