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I lost my husband on September 22, 2019. He was an alcoholic and decided to take a whole bottle of pills. The guilt is eating me alive. He left me and my special needs son alone. He promised to never leave us, but that's exactly what he did. I miss him so much and I blame myself for his death. I could have stopped it. I could've done more for him and I didn't. I will live the rest of my life knowing it was my fault that he's not here and I don't know if I can live like that. Everyone tells me that he made his own decisions and I am not to blame for them, but I do blame myself. I will always blame myself. My son will grow up without a father because of me.

I don't want to feel this way. I really don't, but I do. I don't know how to not feel this way.

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I am so sorry that your husband did this.  If you have been dealing with his addiction for a while, then you have probably heard already that none of us can persuade an addict to give up his addiction.  And that addiction messes with their minds.  After losing my husband in March, I lost my brother in June to the body effects of a lifetime addiction to prescription drugs.

Please, when you're ready, let yourself find some groups, online in or in person, for those who live with others' addictions.  They will help you, over time, remember that you were powerless over his addiction. 

I hope you don't mind if I quote from the Alanon web page.  "Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic’s behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We try to control their drinking for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill."

I'm glad you're here.  There are good people here who can probably help more than I can.  

Thank you so much. I have been trying to find as much support as I can, not for me but for my son's sake. I know my son needs me to be strong and I can't be strong unless I get help.

I lived with his addiction for over 4 years and was used to it. I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I still do. I replay every argument, every bad memory in my mind and only wish I could've done things differently. Maybe he would still be here if I had reacted different to his actions.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss and I am equally sorry for the guilt and pain you are feeling. It has been almost 18 months since my husband passed away. I have learned that it is impossible for us to really know the depth of a person's inner torment. My husband did not take his life but during the last month of his life he suffered physically and mentally. I cant tell you how many times I have tortured myself wondering what I could have done different, why I didn't see certain signs, what if I had stayed with him in the hospital instead of going home for the night, what if I had insisted he change doctors...…..  In the end I have to accept that whatever I did or didnt do it was not my fault. It doesnt make the pain any less but I think we must find a way to press on and to be kinder to ourselves. I still struggle with the what ifs but I take solace in knowing that my loved one is no longer in mental or physical agony. Hopefully you have a support group to help you through these tough moments. Come to this site. We are all here because we are hurting and looking for hope. Take care.

Thank you. 

The what ifs are my torment. I do what I can to avoid them, but they creep up when I least expect it. There's so much I would like to change, do, and say but I can't anymore and it's so devastating. 

I miss him so much. I'm still in between thinking this is a cruel joke and he'll come home and realizing he'll never be back. 

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband to suicide on July 26, 2019. I blame myself as well. And grief is such an overwhelming emotion. It affects our minds, body, and soul.

I think it could be very helpful for you to check out allianceofhope.org it is specifically for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. There are a lot of widows there. You aren't alone.

Thank you. I will look online for it.

I am so sorry you're having to go through this grief as well. It's definitely not something anyone would want to endure. 

No it isn't and yet here we are. Knowing my husband chose to die sends me reeling multiple times a day. My life in a lot of respects has become about trying to get through this loss and grief.

Yes, it's overwhelming. The constant question of why they would choose to do what they did and what could've been said or done to prevent this. It's a whirlwind of guilty emotions and what ifs. 

Mel,

We can all tell you it is not your fault. Hopefully one day you will see that we are powerless over others. I hope his actions do not drag you down into his gutter. An alcoholic mind is so evil and self defeating, there was no way for you or anyone else could "save him". The only person who could have saved your husband was himself. I do wish you some peace within yourself. 

Thoughts are with you. Tell yourself you did the best you could do at the time and that you are a good person. Over and over!

It's so hard to tell myself that I'm a good person and that I couldn't save him. My mind keeps telling me that I could have done more and he would be here with me. I am frantically trying to avoid my own thoughts and emotions, but they creep up on me and I feel devastated. As his wife, I feel like I should've done more and I let him down. 

I am spiralling down and I don't know how to catch myself.

Talking and reaching out hopefully is a good start Mel.

Each minute seems like a struggle. Our minds telling ourselves we could have done more is not healthy but a sad reality. The truth is, it is doubtful anything you could have said or did would change anything. 

Write anytime should you need.

 

Thank you AtSam.  These things are not easy at all

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