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It’s been just over 6 months, and I may be just beginning to understand why so much is so hard.  I function pretty well in my normal routine of work and visiting grandkids monthly down south.  It seems that anything else I do, like just now flying for an hour to visit my older son up north, is super hard at the outset.  I often feel even physically wrung out before and after the new thing.  Then, because visiting him was something we did together, and my husband now isn’t there, I am so sad, all over again.  

I am always helped by having a model to understand things.  I think my new working model is, “you’re going to be weirdly deeply tired, so don’t let that factor alone stop you”, and “there is a lifetime of goodbyes to say, so, many things will hurt the first, or first several, times.”

This is one hard process to go through.  And to do it without my rock, my husband I have known since I was 16, married since 20, 41 years ago.   So hard.  One day at a time I guess.

 Reading this group helps, even though I don’t post much 

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Replies to This Discussion

Pray for stronger faith. It works.

Mary, I'm so sorry. Maybe we will get back there with a little more time. I guess for myself right now, though, I have decided to think about it this way. If we won't ever be together again, and our time here was all we had, was it worth it? I know it was for me. I wouldn't change a minute of it. So I hope I can try to be grateful for that, no matter what the future holds. I know he believed we would be together, and he told me so; maybe he will be right. But if not, I still want to be able to be happy about the time we had, even though it's so hard to feel like it was enough.

Lisa, that is probably a good way to look at it, but still so difficult.  I just can't seem to get things sorted out in my mind about all of this.  Some days it still doesn't even seem real.

Lisa, I know how you feel. It's been 6 months for me, and I can't emerge from the fog and confusion and depression.

It is really hard, and most days I don't manage it. I agree, it often still doesn't seem real. It is only one month today for me.

I'm so sorry. You are probably still in shock and disbelief, so give yourself time, lots of it, before expecting to somewhat move on. I've been told there's no timeline for grief.

Today is 8 months, and the calendar matches up, so today is 8 mos on a Saturday.  It was very upsetting to me yesterday to realize that.  I am so grateful for my faith, and the religious rituals that it brings.  Because today is also All Soul's Day, when the Catholic Church reminds us to always pray for the dead.  My parish had a lovely Mass, and a special reception for those of us who had lost someone in this past year.  It was sobering to see all of the names, and it helped me to realize I am not alone in this, even in the sense that others are in pain just like me, whether I know it or not.  We are all just trying to survive in this life. 

I am very grateful to have had a wonderful life with a wonderful man for so many years, and very sad and angry at times that we didn't get to retire together.  We had so much fun, and I was very lucky.  I knew it, but know it even more now that I don't have our life together.  And now the time is going to change, and it will get dark even earlier.  Seems fitting in a way.  Blehh!

DebiT,

Your words hit me hard.

This is all new to me but everything you write is like I am seeing it in a mirror. My wife and I have been together since age 15 married 35 years this past August. I also knew how lucky I was - told her often I was the luckiest man in the world. My love for her was so over the top it one might even say it was unhealthy. Pretty sure I told her I loved her 10 to 20 times a day which would include a hug and a kiss. We did everything together and it was so much fun. This is my first weekend all alone. Children have gone back to living their lives and I am happy for them. Having been loved so deeply leaves us all with such an empty feeling. I am so mad at the world that Sharon did not get to retire as she worked so hard her entire life and we looked so forward to the day work did no interfere with living. We were only months away from that happening. Now the idea of retirement is not a happy thought.

Thank God for our faith. I went to my parish's All Souls Mass and they called out the names of those who died in the last year. When they said my husband's name, it was comforting to know he was being prayed for. I'm so glad we know that there is much more after this stint on Earth. My husband flicks the lights at me to remind me he's here, just not physically here. 

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