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Widowed in 2019

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Members: 168
Latest Activity: 15 hours ago

Discussion Forum

just joining

Started by julieb. Last reply by julieb May 19. 8 Replies

Hi all, Just joining the group. I've read many of the posts on here and it seems we all have a lot of the same feelings. I'm very sorry that any of us need to be here. I never could have imagined…Continue

365th Day Without You

Started by Pooh898. Last reply by Mama Mary May 7. 7 Replies

Yesterday marked the 365th day without my husband. I miss him beyond words but, this loneliness is almost unbearable. My ROCK is gone and I’m left all alone it seems with no sense of purpose. My…Continue

Being in public

Started by Justme. Last reply by AnnieDReich May 5. 17 Replies

I dread being at work or in public around people who know me. Inevitably someone asks, "HOW are you doing?" or "How were the holidays?" and won't let it drop w/ a fine. I know they care and that…Continue

Hello

Started by MattsMom. Last reply by Mama Mary Apr 25. 3 Replies

Just joined the site and this group. I wish it didn't have to exist. My husband died 8/1/2019 after an almost seven battle with glioblastoma multiforme (GBM). He was 69 and we were 7 weeks shy of our…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Groundhog43 15 hours ago

My Peggy passed away on 22 January 2019.

She had suffered for 10 years after a stroke.  Her diagnosis was vascular dementia.

She received excellent care here at Westminster Canterbury for the last 3 years of her life.

I was forced to place her as caring for her at home became no longer an option. It was one of the most difficult decisions I was ever forced into making.

Luckily I still live here where the folks and staff gather around and support me.

Comment by ChillPenguin on May 21, 2020 at 3:21am

It's been a year and ten days since I Rakesh didn't wake up. Sometimes, I think I'm lucky. I was spared from having to suffer through a long illness. He simply didn't wake up. He wanted me to come down to the family room (where he slept because he had flu-like symptoms--which turned out to be the flu--and didn't want to make me sick) in the morning to make sure he got up by 6 to get ready for his 7 am shift. Of course, I know it's not lucky. He was 49 years old and didn't believe in taking time off when he didn't feel well so that his days off could be enjoyed in good health. But he lived that philosophy, and so I learned from him how to suck every morsel of living out of every single day. He sometimes worked evening shifts, which gave my introverted self a chance to regroup and be up for whatever social outing his extroverted self wanted to enjoy when he was home. We cherished the almost 25-years we had together as best friends, partners, parents, children to our parents. 

Grief is curious to me. What once felt overwhelming and heavy, like a giant suitcase filled with rocks, gradually grew lighter and lighter until now the grief feels more like a purse that I do manage to set down at times. I'm lucky because I am not burdened by all sorts of future plans for trips we were going to take because he insisted on making time to live fully. My youngest was 12, so even he got to benefit from lots of attention and guidance that my husband instilled in all of them with great intention (as well as impromptu trips for ice cream). My eldest headed off to college in the fall, the same college my husband had attended for 8 years, and he has grown into quite a mature young man. My middle one turned 15 the day my husband died, and while I tried to make him feel better that day by pointing out that he now has this unbreakable connection to his dad, he pointed out that because everyone was so focused on trying to make his birthday happy, he felt like the day wasn't as horrible as it otherwise would have been. Indeed, I am constantly in awe at the resilience of my boys.

I'm also lucky because I am surrounded by loved ones who want to help, best friends of my husband's since they were five-years-old and who live within five miles of us; they have been our lifeline. 

(https://twitter.com/Lunarbaboon/status/1206059061600563200/photo/1

As long as I keep busy, I am fine. I used to be a writer, but delving deeply into emotions isn't something I am up for yet. Soon, I hope. But it's okay because I work fulltime and that keeps me busy. It is, after all, the downtimes when I notice my loneliness. 

But I can't let myself think about what could have or should have been true for me now, or I will just lose it. I moved last weekend to a smaller home in my neighborhood. I returned to the old house yesterday, where the photos still hang on the walls waiting for me to get them, and even though we only lived there for six years, I can't help thinking about how glad I am that he got to end his life having achieved all his dreams--working at a job he loved and was great at, devoting time and attention to his family, making time for his hobbies--and had reached a peace I had never witnessed in him before. I have to focus on how he got to go out on top, abruptly (like he would have liked it, instead of ever feeling like he was a burden to anyone).

I've gotten good at recognizing my limits and being kind to myself. Finally. The best advice I ever received was from a friend who told me to "be the kind of friend to yourself that you would be to your friends." 

Anyhow, enough rambling. It does get better, but it's just not the same. 

Comment by Lisa on May 20, 2020 at 8:24pm

Thanks, guys, for sharing how you are feeling about "doing well" or "not doing well" with handling grief. It's so helpful to talk about these things with others who understand.

AtSam, I am especially sorry for your double loss. Compounded grief must be even so much harder during this time. For sure, pretending to be happy or just wishing we could stop grieving somehow has not been helpful. I myself have tried "deciding" to stop being unhappy several times. Haha. You can guess how well that worked. Of course Sharon didn't want you to be unhappy, as none of us want that for our loved ones, but I'm sure she would understand your tears and honor your pain as the natural expression of your love for her that they are. Thanks so much for sharing.

SpirotheGreek and Debra, thanks for the view from ahead. It is encouraging to look forward.

CvilleSara and Riskybiz, I'm glad that you don't seem to worry like I sometimes do about how "badly" I am doing at this, and you seem to just feel free to experience and express your grief and pain as you need to. I am working to get better at doing that too, because I think that is the thing that will ultimately lead all of us to a more hopeful, less painful place, which I'm sure Joey and Rick would want also for the ones they love.

Comment by AtSam(Steve) on May 20, 2020 at 6:01pm

Have not posted for a while.

Sharon died 7 1/2 months ago after 10 months dealing with colon cancer. Our life had become a wonderful fairy tale which very quickly turned into a nightmare. I pushed myself hard to deal with the grief, pretend to be happy etc. I knew before she passed I would be lost without her. We talked about it, as there was no me nor her, there was only us our whole lives. Together for 39 years from the age of 14. Life before Sharon died, I would maybe have a moment and be sad once in awhile, now it is a way of life and I hate it. I can laugh and enjoy some things but for the most part life is a struggle. For all of us our worlds were turned upside down. During the last two plus months I find myself going backwards instead of forward. Hope seems to fade, but I can say I am still hopeful. 

The last two years have been easily the worse of my life. Mom diagnosed with incurable cancer but slow growing, four months later Sharon colon cancer with no hope and told maybe a year at the best, it was less.  Four months one day later Mom died from complication due to the cancer. From Sept 2018 till Feb 2020 I spent most of my efforts trying to make the two ladies that meant the most to me, comfortable. Took almost a full year off work to be Sharon's full time care giver as she was not well and did not want to spend one night in a hospital. Badge of honor for me I was able to do that for her. She as also the kindest loving patient, so it really was not hard except the last few weeks.  

Now in one more week, my job comes to an end. Should be the happiest time in my life and I fear and dread it with little to no excitement. Had life planned out pretty good and Sharon and I were pretty successful but I like all of us, would give it all away, for one more minute! 

I felt I needed to write to say - me too I cry way too much now. Always say she is worth every tear, and she is! What I have to admit I am so tired of being sad and depressed. I was so happy before that doctors appointment. She did not want me sad or unhappy. She sure as hell did not want me to cry, she told me so. I wish I could just Stop IT!

There are no answers, there are no quick fixes that are meaningful either. I will love that wonderful lady till the day I die is the only thing I really do understand.  I have so much to be grateful about but it is so hard without the love of my life. 

Debra, with spring sprung and summer here, watching couples walking everywhere together first brings a smile, then jealousy, then sometimes tears as that was and should still be us walking holding hands. One thing I am thankful for sunglasses - yes very grateful that I have dark sunglasses. 

Sorry for the length, guess I needed to vent and say, Yes I concur with almost everyone posting in the last few days.

Wishing us all better days ahead! Hugs! 

Comment by SpirotheGreek on May 20, 2020 at 5:40pm

Lisa,

My condolences on the loss of your beloved husband. I read your post and invite you to try---just try, not easy I know--try to not think about what others may judge about your grief journey. This is your life journey and now, your grief journey and you will come through it and be able to feel joy again, but right now, the pain is raw. Six months is not a long time at all. I'm at one year on June 3 and I still have many rough moments and rough days. Rest assured you are NOT failing at anything.  As for doing well, well; many ppl think I've handled this incredibly well and am 'doing well' or 'have done well', and while that is true in terms of basic life tasks and responsibilities and being able to be around people and be somewhat happy, I am nonetheless hurting inside. I understand that you may feel you are not 'doing well', but I believe that you are doing what you need to do to process this immense loss and immense grief. It is a very difficult phase in our life journeys and I invite you to attempt to be gentle with self. You have enough to deal with at only 6 months on, without having to worry in addition that you are not doing this 'right'.  It's your journey, life, soul, heart, and body, and you're doing exactly what you need to be doing . Peace. 

Comment by Debra on May 20, 2020 at 3:08pm

I’m at 1 year and 2 days. Two weeks ago I bought myself flowers for my (our) 41st anniversary.  Today I received Tom’s final paycheck. It took a year dealing with the government, but it’s over. It’s time to move on,  except his ashes won’t be buried until his 66th birthday in July.

My good friend, who’s never been married, has just found her soulmate and is acting like a teenager in love. I’m happy for her, but I’m also jealous. 

Comment by CvilleSarah on May 20, 2020 at 1:56pm

I’m at almost 9 months now, and yep still in pain all the time. It’s like I’m not really emotionally invested in this life anymore, just patiently waiting for it to be over so we can be together again. Some people have said that isn’t right, but why would I want to be here without my soulmate? I know we’re not supposed to be in different places, so everything won’t be right again until that’s corrected. Every day is just something to get through. I agree about weekends, no day really different than another anymore.

Comment by Riskybiz on May 20, 2020 at 1:00pm

Lisa,

I lost my Rick five months ago.  I too cry all the time.  There is no time table for anyone and this pandemic does not help.  I don't sleep in our bed, I sleep downstairs.  It is just too painful.  I am dreading Memorial Day, I despise week-ends.  I feel so lonely, sad and depressed.  I do one day at a time.  My life will never be the same without Rick.  47 years is a long time and I know I will never be the same woman as I was with Rick.  I have no answers on how to deal with this.  Just know we are all in the same place.

Risskybiz

Comment by Lisa on May 20, 2020 at 10:44am

Six months have passed since rick died, and I have gotten used to feeling like I'm not "doing well" with it. I guess because I'm still crying, still thinking about it so much, still having so much trouble finding the motivation to get out of bed in the morning, and all-around still in so much pain. When I write it out here like that, with all of you, it seems reasonable, and even like six months is not very long at all, but out in the rest of the world I just feel like I am somehow failing. The grief counselor I am reading says that the world has the wrong definition of "doing well", and that it's right and healthy to experience and process grief the way I am doing it, so it helps to hear that. How are you all doing with this?


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Comment by Soaring Spirits on May 11, 2020 at 1:24pm

We're holding weekly Zoom meetings for our Widowed Village members on Thursdays at 9am Pacific Time. If you'd like to join us, please send an email to [email protected] and I'll send you the link.

Dianne

 

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