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Maybe I'm just tired as I've been up since 2:00 a.m. today.  The past couple of days have been bad.  On Tuesday, I had a grief therapy session in the morning and then did the Zoom call in the evening.  I think both brought a lot of emotions to the surface.  On top that, my aunt called later in the evening to see how I was doing.  She lost her husband in 2013 to lung cancer.  We talked for about 45 minutes.  I think the combination of these three things on Tuesday have made the last couple days really rough.  I just look around the house and all I want is for my wife to be back.  I know that is not possible, but does not stop me from wishing it was so.  I opened up the house this morning to let in fresh air, including our bedroom, which I've not slept in since she passed last month.  It's still torn up from the night she was taken to the ER.  I laid across the bed, reaching out to where she last laid on it, but was overcome with emotion and had to close it up.  Even now typing this, I can barely see through the tears.  I walk around the house in a daze, just on autopilot, not sure what to do with myself.  It is just too, too much.  I feel like half a person, lonely, and afraid of the future.

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Maggie May,

I can't believe how accurately you describe what I too am feeling. I don't know who I am anymore either. I am actually 180 degrees different. I also have had panic attacks and flashbacks connected to my husbands death, also 3 months ago. I have noticed that things seem to be getting worse and it is hard to explain that to people who think I would be a little better each day. I forget things alot and never was like that before. 

It is so supportive to hear that others are in the same situation and that this grief will be a life changing event - I suppose it has to be that way.

The Venn diagram analogy is perfect description of our relationship to our loved ones and us. The overlapping center where we merged and lived most the time.  Now without them, it is an incomplete picture.  I guess that's part of this whole grieving process, trying to figure out a way to make us something near whole again?  When family or friends ask how I'm doing, my standard response lately is day by day.  Not feeling like a complete person is difficult to explain to them.  I'm thankful for this group and the suggestions, support, and sympathy everyone gives. 

I'm trying to come up with ideas and/or goals to help me move forward with some baby steps.  Picking one thing in our house to possibly change or clean out might be a start.  Still to new and raw for the most part though, but I would like to try at least.  It may end up that I move eventually, which as Estragon said, is a discussion for another day.  Until then, doing the best I can is all I'm asking of myself.

My husband passed away 4 months ago and like you I am also not ready to clear my husbands things. His stuff is everywhere around our home and I get comfort from that but I have started one thing. I got a box to make as a memory box and put his very personal things in it to keep so they are no longer in his draws next to our bed but put away in the closet. For me this was a big step and the only thing I have done but I feel it is a small step in my grieving process of accepting he is gone.


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