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My wife of 35 years passed away in June  from lung cancer.  I am not sure what my place in the world is now.  She was my soulmate, wife, and best friend.  I feel like half a person blindly going through each day.  No path.  No goal.  Just going.  Early on she decided against treatment as she did not want to deal with aftermath of them.  She wanted to make the most of whatever time there was left to us.  I supported her decision as this was in keeping with her values and views on life.  I wished she chose differently, but understand her decision. 

A little over a month since her passing, I feel more lost than the first couple weeks.  Facing our home each day without her is sometimes too much to handle.  Our family all live in another state.  So not much personal support.  Mostly phone calls and texts of support which do help.  With Covid out there growing, not really going out a lot other than therapy sessions and grocery shopping once in awhile.  At least I have two kitties that we adopted last September.  They give me smiles each day.  

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Dear Carousel,

My husband of 43 years passed away in February of lung cancer and I understand your feelings completely.  I am learning that it is going to take time.  It does seem to get worse before it gets better, because at first you are just in shock, whether or not the death was expected.  Then the reality and permanence of the situation sets in. And in these times of covid we can't get out to do anything or get involved in other meaningful activities.  I'm sorry you don't have family close.  I have quite a bit of family in my town and they are a great help and comfort.  We have to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  And it's only natural to feel lost and alone.  I know there is nothing I can say that will really make you feel any better, but be gentle and caring with yourself.  And know there are others of us experiencing the same thing.  I don't know whether you are a religious man, but praying brings me great comfort.

Thanks Carolc55 for the supportive words.  I am having trouble accepting the new reality of daily life without my wife.  I expect to see her walk into the room or have her sitting on the couch with me watching a good movie.  So, yeah, the permanence is hard to take.

Carousel.  New  to  grief  you  will  experience  many odd  things  and  many  hopeless  wanderings.   You  will  have  to  forge  your  way  one  day  at  a  time  basically  alone. The  pain  will  be  relentless  and when  it  subsides   in  time  it  will  still  reoccur .  Daily  life will  never be  the  same and  you  will  have  questions  and  an  incredible  feeling  deep  inside  of an  emptiness/loneliness  you  cannot put in  words.  You  will  be  angry at  times  and  seriously  wonder  how to  move  forward.  I  cannot tell  you  it gets  better.  I  passed  8 yrs in  March  since  my  husband's  unexpected  and  sudden  death...he was  not  sick.  No logical/medical  reason   for  his  death.  I can  tell  you  things  will change.  You  will get  wisdom  from  grieving that  will help  as  time  passes.    Even  now,  were  my husband  to  return  and  walk  in  the  door  I  would  say  to  him....why  so late?  why  didn't  you  call me?  and  then run into  his  arms  and  wait  for  his  answer...I was  married 44+ yrs.  You  will  never stop  loving  and  never  stop  remembering  your dear  wife  but  as  you  share  your story  your  grief will  be  shared  and  understood.  In time you will  find less  need  to  share  and  down  the  road  that  will  be the  time your  grief  will  lessen.  Unfortunately unfair for  this  to  happen  to  you while  covid19  is  among  us.  WV  has  many  caring people  here for  you.   Use the  place for  comfort  and  to  share.   Be  your own  best  friend  and tread  gently as you  go.  Godspeed.

Thanks laurajay.  My thoughts are with you on the loss of your husband.  I can't even imagine so many years passing by yet.  Its weird, but right now time is a contradiction.  The past month seems to have flown by while also crawling by at a snail's pace.  Two parts of the same construct.

Carolcc55, so sorry about the passing f your husband after 43 years. How do we adapt to this change after years together?  I guess just like you said, one foot in front of the other.

Carousel

i am sorry that you had a reason to join the village.

 My wife of 42 yrs passed away in April after a 5 year battle with lung cancer. When she died I lost my wife and my sense of purpose that I had in caring for her. She was in hospice for several days before the Covid restriction made it impossible for me to see her I feel that I let her down as her one fear was dying alone. There is no  family except for her mom who lives 1200 miles away and it is too painful for her to talk to me so we communicate via a friend of hers. Anything close to normal for the viewing and funeral were not allowed because of Covid. I kept busy the first 5 weeks or so with legal matters and tending to the garden that my wife loved, after that I was pretty low for weeks.

After almost 4 months there are still times when I stand in front of our home and wonder if I will ever get comfortable being alone in the house. I also find that I do not have much energy to do the things that I used to enjoy. 
 Overall I think I am getting just a little more at ease with my situation but it is a very hard road there are so many memories. For me it is a 2 steps forward and than a step and a half.

Everyone journey thru grief is a little different but we are here because we lost our special person.  I hope that you find some comfortable and hope in the village. 


Please take care of your self.

Hi outwest.  Thank you for the kind thoughts.  My thoughts are with you on your wife's passing.  That you could not be with her in hopice, I cannot imagine.  Makes me realize how lucky I was to be with my wife when she passed.  It was excruciating.  All I could do was cry out over and over 'what am I supposed to do now mama'.  She was my north star.

Dear Carousel (and others),

I wanted to share that my therapist recommended a set of mindfulness dvds for me and I have started watching them.  They are currently on a big discount from The Great Courses at https://www.thegreatcourses.com/courses/practicing-mindfulness-an-i....  My husband was a religion professor, as is the man delivering these lectures, but the mindfulness techniques do not require any religious background to practice.  I am finding them helpful.  We all have to accept that much as we miss our beloved spouses, our life must and is going on.  It's up to us what we make of it.  I know my husband would be so disappointed with me if all I did was sit around crying and feeling sorry for myself.  So I'm trying.  Of course, some days go better than others.

Love to you all,

Carol

Thanks Carolc55 for the reference.  I've been reading different books, or parts of books I should say.  Too many that I have information overload.  That's not even counting stuff on the web. 

Its been nearly six weeks since my wife was last in our house. I am having a hard time believing she is not the home we lived in for over 25 years and never will be again.  Cannot wrap my mind around this new world.  I want to be in a parallel universe where we are still together.  

Hello Carousel.

I too lost my DW of 35 years 6 months ago and am so glad I found Soaring Spirits. I pretty much either wear my emotions on my sleeve now, or don't show them at all. I can tell you that I have grieving breakdowns EVERY DAY. I miss her so much and she was and is my everything in life. Try to join the zoom sessions on Tuesday (especially) and Saturday. There are a few of us guys and you don't have to even participant though it would be good if you could - that would be up to you. You will definitely find many people have the same emotions and thoughts. That self-confirmation alone gives one some peace.

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