My husband passed away on May 7, 2020. I hate being a member of this group. It is a group none of us want to be in. He died of prostate cancer that had spread to his bladder. At the end I didn't want to let him go, but finally was willing to let him go. He was the most romantic guy on the planet. There was 14 and a half years difference in our ages but what a wonderful pair we made. Everyone said so. He was 85 and I am 71. I just don't know how to go on, and most of the time I don't want to go on. I miss him so much. Everyone says the same platitudes and I am sick of them....time will make it better....let God lead the way. How are you doing....duh..how do you think I am doing. I just smile and say okay. What an act. I aught to be an actress. I could win an award.
I am so sorry you lost your husband. I know those words don't really help. Yes, people mean well, but they just don't understand. I try to remember they are doing the best they can because they don't know what to actually say. I lost my 55 year old husband suddenly in January. The pain is still as real today as it was then. People just don't know that. I had a friend that lost her husband about 5 years ago. I know now I didn't support her the way she needed to be support. I've told her this after I lost my husband and she just smiled and said that's they way it is because people don't understand. I'm hoping one day in the distant future to get to the place other widows have told me about where I can think of my husband and smile. Right now when I think of him I still cry. Be patient with yourself and others. Your pain is real and there is nothing that can change that. Having this connection to other widows and some in person has been the only thing that has helped me. I can tell you for the first month or so after he died, I wanted to join him. Now I know that isn't supposed to happen and that I have to go on living. I'm okay with that, so I guess that is progress. Hugs to you actress Snowhite.
I know how it feels my husband passed away 1 yr ago last week. The pain is still very real and raw. I miss him terribly. This journey is very difficult.
I hear you, I just hope that after 1 year the journey becomes a little less uphill.
We all do the best with the tools we have in our toolbox at the time. When we are young, we have so few tools. I am old, but I still need new tools, and I need to have some sharpened! I also realized how unsupportive I've been of the two women I know who lost their husbands (I didn't have the tools). And another twist - yesterday, I was talking to a long-time friend who has been divorced twice. She told me she wouldn't mind knowing my pain because it would mean she had loved and been loved. I realized that she is right - the flip side of having a great mate, is how painful it is to lose that mate. I guess her's is a different type of loss. I'm glad I don't know how to walk in her shoes. So that's why I am so happy to have this group - I don't have to walk on eggs. I do hope to learn how to be more compassionate to other people. Maybe people can share the helpful things other people have said - I need to expand my compassion and empathy and patience toolkit.
I am old too Maggie. I am 71. I turned 71 two days after my husband died and he was 85. That is one thing I am most grateful. We both had been married and divorced before and so when we married, we both knew not to sweat the small stuff. He always said....how hard a man worked to get his wife, he needed to work twice as hard to keep her. Anyway, I could not have been more loved or felt more loved and he felt the same way. A double edged sword so to speak. I don't think there is anything special that can be said. I think the real sign of caring is just to be there for that person with phone calls, visits, outings etc. Of course with Covid we get a double whammy of trying to social distance and stay safe.This group is good and bad for me. If I read too much about people, it makes me sadder than I already am, so I have to kind of limit my time here.
You are NOT too old - I am also 71. You don't look as old as I do!
You are right - Love is a double-edged sword.
You don't have to spend a lot of time with the group, but it is here when you need it. I've just been here two weeks, off and on, but it has helped me move forward a bit. It's easier to go through this knowing there is a safe, caring place ready to support us.
One thing I read that really resonated was "grief is really love with nowhere to go". I think that's what makes our experience different than yout twice divorced friend.
Thanks - I like that a lot.
Thank you Lynne. I know people mean well, and you and I both know it is difficult to know what to say when someone passes. I am still in the I want to join him stage of my grief. I know he doesn't want me to do that because he has told me that in the past that he wants me to not morn but to go live a happy life without him. I can't imagine my life without him, but at the same time, I can't imagine my life alone, so maybe that is progress in itself. If I want to make people laugh, I tell them that next time I am going to marry a boy toy. LOL. I still have a lot of crying sessions. Especially when I just sit and think about him and what a wonderful husband he was. I just think about how grateful I am for the years we did have and what a romantic guy I had. A lot of couples never get to experience the kind of love we had. I have had friends tell me that their husbands never were that romantic ever. I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn't make any difference what age we are or how we lost our spouse..it is still very real and very heartbreaking. The loneliness and sadness just creeps in like a stormy night and there doesn't seem to be anything you can do about it. It just feels so permanent. Hugs back to you Lynne. We both just have to keep plugging away at our journey.
For the first few months, I basically shut down and avoided people and casual conversations that inevitably included the usual platitudes. "Sorry for your loss" being one. I "lose" lots of things; keys, glasses, most recently my phone, but I did not "lose" my wife. I know exactly where she is.
For me, at nearly six months, most people have stopped asking. Only those who truly want to know ask, and they're OK with the hard truth of the reply.
I know people mean well, and even after only 2 months, most people that I see don't ask how I am doing any longer. I usually start out the conversation in a different direction which helps avoid the topic. The hurt just keeps giving doesn't it. That is just the hard, cold facts. You said it so well, I too know exactly where my husband is and that is what makes it so tough, he is never coming home.
Why don't you join the zoom call for newly widowed this afternoon. I was on the Saturday call and learned a lot - and it helped so much to feel I was with people who understand. I've been walking my dog at night so that I don't have to interact with people. My husband died April 23 - it is still so raw. And I am stuck on being angry that I was not with him when he passed (he was in a Rehab Center and got COVID - I had not seen him since March 9 - he was on the 3rd floor). I just don't know who to be angry at . . . and I just miss him so much. I used to be strong, but I still cry so much - especially at night. I woke up last night and thought I felt him snuggled against me with his head on my shoulder - then I smelled my dog's breath.