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Widowed in 2020

We're so sorry you have a reason to join us. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

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We are grateful you found us so soon after your loss, but until this group grows please feel free to also join the Widowed in 2019.

Members: 47
Latest Activity: yesterday

Discussion Forum

Hard days on top of hard days

Started by CatCo. Last reply by Tracey on Tuesday. 2 Replies

First of all - I am so glad that a friend of a friend randomly reached out on Facebook and told me about this group.More pain to share...Today, I would quietly acknowledge the anniversary of my…Continue

Milestone One

Started by CatCo. Last reply by Tracey on Tuesday. 3 Replies

25 years ago todayatoday geeky young man walked in to my office to pick me up for our lunch date.He was adorable, sweet, and he had the best smile. I married him.Two weeks ago, Barry fell in to a…Continue

Signs and sightings

Started by CatCo on Sunday. 0 Replies

When Barry slipped into a coma, he began turning on the lights in his office. As he slipped away, he pulled up the countdown timer on the phones of 2 friends and up popped the words "time's up."He…Continue

Is it wrong to feel angry at family members isolating rather than being in support system ?

Started by Oskar Ruettiger. Last reply by Tom May 21. 6 Replies

6 + weeks ago, I lost my beloved wife and mother of our two sons after 23 years of marriage.  She had been ill with cancer for the last 5 months and it was mentally and physically exhausting on all…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by laurajay on April 22, 2020 at 4:05pm

Tom...personal  opinion  as  someone  who  has  kept  a  daily  gratitude  journal  for  nearly 25 years.  My  journals  have  not  been  shared  but then they  do  not read  like a  diary  or  contain  things  pertaining  to  specific  people...nevertheless   I  write  to  express  gratitude and  the  words  are  mine....I  think  out of  respect  for  your  wife's  privacy  you  should  not  give  them  over  to  your  daughter  if  they  contain  personal  things  about  your  marriage  that  disturb  you. Every  one  has  the  right  to  their  ideas  and  the  right  to  express  them.  Unless  you  believe  your  wife  wanted  your  daughter  to  have  them  they should  stay  your  wife's  property.  No  gain  from sharing  them  or allowing  them  to  be  inherited.  I  have  love  letters  my  husband  and  I  exchanged  when  he  was  in  the  army  and  overseas  for  18mo.  Before  computers of  course.  I  don't  think  it's  anyone's  business to  have  these  after  I  die.   Please  keep in  mind...when  you  are  very  ill  or  in  great  pain  and  on  medication  your  mind can  get  confused  and  your  thoughts  and  feelings  can  change  a  great  deal so  all  of  what  you  read  can  be  attributed  to  your  wife's  battle  with  cancer  at  least in part.   She  may well  have  talked  to  her  journal  as  a way  to  unload  her  pain and  worry.....bottom  line...her  property...discard  it  and  hold  on  to  the love  you  knew  all  those  33  yrs....not some  jotted  notes  she  made  as  she  got  sicker  and  sicker  in  pain with  weakening   strength.  Negative  feelings  come  and  go in  long  marriages  and  most  of  us  experience  them  but  do  not  write  about  them...we  just  think  them.  Forgive  her  and  respect  her  privacy...don't  dwell  or  wonder   about  this....let  it  go.  She  loved  you. You  loved  her.  Do  not  dwell  on  this  looking  for  answers... we  never  can  know what is in  the  heart  of  hearts  of  another  person...this is  just  my  personal  opinion  I  offer  you  but  it  is  because  your  grief is  fresh  and  raw...don't  add  to  your  pain...give  all of  this  time  to  process  when  your  understanding  will  change.      

Comment by Tom on April 22, 2020 at 2:53pm

This is a follow-up to what I posted yesterday and might be termed a cautionary tale. As I said, my wife passed away on April 4th, 2020 after a five plus year battle with ovarian cancer. I’m not alone because my son lives with me. He is 29 and has Asperger’s Syndrome. He does not drive or work, so he is home essentially all the time. The goal is for him to live independently and have a career, but he’s not there yet. I loved my wife dearly and already miss her a lot, so much so that I read her most recent journals. That was a huge mistake, because what I and many others thought was an idyllic marriage was clearly not from her point of view. She never said a word to me about any of the numerous negative feelings about me and our relationship that she had. I had no clue, and now there’s nothing I can do. My daughter wants the journals and that’s fine. I will never look at another page. My advice to anyone who finds themselves in a similar position is DO NOT read your spouse’s journals or diaries. It will probably not bring you “closer” to them. I know that she loved me, but it will take a long time to recover from the shock of what I read. It’s just made things harder.

Comment by laurajay on April 21, 2020 at 8:00pm

Tom-  sorry  you  face  such  horrid  circumstances...know  her  soul  is at rest  and  whatever  awaits us on the  other  side  is not  our  decision  nor influenced  by this dreadful  pandemic.  You  be  kind to yourself  because  no one else  will ever understand  your  grief or the  journey  you  have to  take  to heal.  This  place  has  people  who  care  and who  listen  because  they  have  been where  you are  now---fresh in loss and  pain.  Come often  and  just say what  you  please....most  here  understand and  are  here  to support you.  We  are  all  in a daze  right now...so much  to  deal  with...welcome...glad  you  reached  out---

Comment by Tom on April 21, 2020 at 5:37pm

My wife passed away on April 4th, 2020 after a 5-plus year battle with ovarian cancer. She was 64, and I just turned 63 two days ago. Happy Birthday to me, huh? It was, therefore, not a surprise but it is still hard to accept. We were married for nearly 33 years. Having to deal with the Coronavirus mess is just making it harder. She died 17 days ago, and we still haven't been able to bury her, due to various delays exacerbated by the lockdown. Any memorial service will have to wait, as well, for who knows how long? More to come, I just wanted to introduce myself.

Comment by Gigi on April 17, 2020 at 12:10pm

Anne-- I am so sorry. Your message could be from me except my kids are 34 and 40. I was suddenly widowed on Feb 29 at age 64 and yes, this quarantine makes it worse. Had to cancel my husband's funeral. My best friend is my yorkiepoo and honestly, I don't know where I'd be without her. But yes, it's very lonely right now. I'm grateful for this website because it helps me realize I'm not alone.

Comment by Anne on April 17, 2020 at 11:57am

Newly widowed at age 59 on April 1st. No one in my family/friend network has experienced loss of a spouse at this “young” age. Not sure where I fit in anymore. Also the pandemic is making my grief and loneliness even more of an isolating experience than it would have been. I have 3 kids in their 20’s, all local, yet out on their own. So the empty nest syndrome is very hard in this house that once had 5 of us and now just me...and my puppy though! He brings me smiles and gives me purpose. Thank goodness I have this little soul in my life.

Comment by Lynne on March 31, 2020 at 2:17pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I can say I didn't understand how hard it was until I lost my husband. My friend lost her husband 4 years ago and now I realize I wasn't there for her because I didn't know how to support her. Unfortunately I found out the hard way. They are right, you can do it, but what they don't realize is how very hard it is. Their intentions are good, but the message isn't always the best.

 

Comment by Momof3 on March 31, 2020 at 12:49am

Yes..it's just a text message here and there...and comments like "hope are well.  Youre strong, you will get through this" and no words again for another week. 

But then again i don't think it would have been different for me without the virus, with regards to family and friends as since me and hubby moved states, I have no one here anyway. Hubby passed away in a car crash 2  leftmonths ago. He left for cigarettes and never came home.  Left with 3 sons to care for alone and them having no school is where the  of virus affected us most, basically caused  me to lose my job today....as I can't even work to get out of house and have no one to watch kids since they are home and extended time away from school to May today. Hospital where nurses are needed didn't take that news too well. So now I lost benefits etc. But I don't even care. And I don't know if I should. But im scared to leave 3 boys alone home for 13-14hours of day to work.  They are all I have. I'm all they have.  And all I get is " you can do this! You will figure it out" 

Comment by Lynne on March 25, 2020 at 7:50am

Edwardsville, Illinois, just across the river from St. Louis MO

Comment by LiliPad on March 25, 2020 at 4:19am

I am in Indiana.  Yesterday our state went into the "shelter in place" order by the Governor.  I still have to go to work, but we have a very limited staff now in a huge building.  But, it beats the alternative to sitting at home in a sad and empty house.  No family in town or in nearby cities, but I still have my work family.

 

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