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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Widowed in 2020

We're so sorry you have a reason to join us. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

Check the 'Help' tab for more guidance or send questions to [email protected]

We are grateful you found us so soon after your loss, but until this group grows please feel free to also join the Widowed in 2019.

Members: 127
Latest Activity: 3 hours ago

Widowed by Covid-19 Group

I've created a private group just for our members who lost their person to Covid-19 so you'll have a space to share and connect about your unique loss. Email messages were sent to those who responded 'yes' to the application question asking if your loss was due to Covid.

If you joined us prior to that application question and your person died by Covid, please send me a note at [email protected] and I'll send you the link to access the new group.

Discussion Forum

8 Months in

Started by SpecialK. Last reply by navigating life 3 hours ago. 3 Replies

My husband of 14 years and love of my life for 20+ years passed away in January 2020 from dire complications, one of which was sepsis, that arose from 2 surgeries, 1 in June 2019 and a 2nd in August…Continue

COVID widow

Started by Baba2020. Last reply by Rere 9 hours ago. 28 Replies

I have been trying to find people who are widows due to COVID-19. My husband was 54, no pre-existing medical conditions, never sick. In the beginning of April we all (dh, me, 4 kids at home) got sick…Continue

The Truth About My Late Husband (Caution Reading)

Started by LorraineS. Last reply by LorraineS 19 hours ago. 8 Replies

I'm having a difficult time relating to most widows/widowers on this site. I've toyed with just not receiving any more email updates nor visiting any more. My situation is so opposite from 99% of the…Continue

All feelings are valid

Started by DylFrog1221. Last reply by Dodgerfam7215 on Friday. 12 Replies

I lost my husband on August 14th 2020 to Stage 4 metastatic melanoma. The last 6 months were unbearable and I think that’s when I actually started to grieve. I was unable to move physically. Stunned.…Continue

Comment Wall

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Comment by Carousel on August 7, 2020 at 4:33pm

Hi Lorraine,

Small world having your honeymoon in Tahoe same year my wife and I were married.  It was February when we woke up one day and she said let's do this today.  Fortunately weather was good going over the Sierras that day.  

Comment by LorraineS on August 7, 2020 at 12:44pm

@Carousel

My husband and I honeymooned in Lake Tahoe back in 1985. Definitely a beautiful spot.

Comment by Estragon on August 5, 2020 at 10:34pm

Carousel - You're right about avoiding the heavy drinking thing... I tried that, and all it got me was a hangover on top of all the other problems.

Lynne - my wife died about a week later, and I think I'm in much the same place as you... not half expecting her to be waiting at home to give me heck for getting her car dirty after she just had it washed in January.  Some stuff still sets me off, but it isn't constant any more, and the odd smile creeps in with a fond memory.

Comment by Lynne on August 5, 2020 at 3:48pm

I was one of the early members of this group. I think there were 4 or 5 of us when I first joined. I sure wish we could have been the last of this group, but of course that wasn't the case.

My husband died suddenly on January 23rd, 2020. I've heard from other widows the pain doesn't go away, you just learn to live with it. I wasn't sure what that meant. I just kept thinking at what point will I not cry and feel extreme sadness when I think of my husband? At what point will I quit feeling like it isn't real? At what point will I not miss him to my very soul? It was just 6 months. It still feels like it was only a few days ago that he was here. For me, 6 months must have ben the mark. I still feel sad and miss him more than I can even say, but.....there are times now when I can think of things we've done and smile. I'm finally starting to accept that it's real and he's gone. I'm beginning to understand what it means for the pain to not be gone, but to learn to live with it.......or learning to live without him. It doesn't mean I don't cry when I think of him most of the time. It's just a glimpse of our happiness in place of my sadness sometimes. 

Comment by Carousel on August 5, 2020 at 2:27pm

I'm sitting here reading and listening to an Amazon Prime video sounds of Pacific Ocean waves at night.  My wife and I always missed the sound of the ocean all these years living in landlocked Oklahoma.  Such an ugly state for the most part.  Up Tulsa way is a bit prettier.  Never could compare with San Francisco or Lake Tahoe where we were married in 1985.  Of course, cost to living in California versus Oklahoma is much higher by a longshot.  Tradeoffs.  We created a comfortable and secure life here.  Now that I'm alone, it doesn't seem as important.  

My wife did not like her picture taken.  So, when I ran cross some pictures from the day we married in Tahoe, I was ecstatic and sad.  We married after dating for five months.  So cocky were we, thinking, if it lasts, great.  If not, we tried.  So cocky.  Little did we know it was the first step in a 35 year adventure.   We became each other's best friend and soulmate, permeating our very being, which makes the pain of her being gone all the more difficult to bear.  Sometimes, I feel like I can't breathe, can't think, can't function at all.  It's been 7 weeks today that we last shared our bed, falling asleep next to each other with no idea how our world was about to be blown apart, never to be the same.  

I'm going through the motions of daily life with no real purpose or sense of self.  I've realized that I do not really know how to be by myself.  I used to think I needed time foe myself once in awhile.  Guess I did not fully understand what that meant.  Other than a few household chores or yardwork,  my days are filled with watching TV, reading, and sleeping.  At least I have not gone wild with drinking, which my wife was worried could happen.  It's not that I don't want to sometimes, but I am very aware that the obsessive part of my personality could lead me down a dark path into potential oblivion.  Keeping a lid on that part of me is a good thing right now.  I guess this is all part of the nightmare journey of grief.  Just holding on best I can 

Comment by LorraineS on August 3, 2020 at 9:52am

I did some reading on Melatonin and the other common sleep aid Benadryl. Both effect ROM sleep where your body/mind/emotions connect to work through the days problems through dreams. If you take either of them too long they will short circuit ROM sleep. I tried Benadryl and hated feeling groggy all day. The groggy feeling is a symptom of not going into ROM sleep.

Next I did some more research on Melatonin. Again and again I read: take the least working dose which is usually 3 mcg. That's not an error: Three mcg! Most everyone takes 10 mg. So I ordered 3 mcg. I have yet to take it.

Instead, I've done something I did years ago after losses: I accepted that my sleep will be affected by my loss and that eventually it will right itself. I guess the number reason for me to not take something for sleep is to not circumvent the dream cycle. If I don't go into ROM sleep I won't dream and I won't get the healing sleep I need each night.

I've been naturally going to bed earlier than I used to which was 2 to 2:30 AM! Now I'm going to bed at around 12:30 AM. I'm a night owl. And I've been sleeping longer and longer hours.

In a book I found, Finding Your Way Through Grief, it recommends sleeping on the side of the bed your partner/spouse slept on and that way it won't be empty. I have yet to try that suggestion.

---

Outwest, I've been doing a little at a time as well. I'm in no hurry. I did order a larger trash can, if you can call it that, the size is more like a dumpster, for trash pickup because I cannot take items to the local help houses because of COVID-19, and I don't want to keep those items around. I have a couple of projects going at once. If I get triggered with one, I go back to another one and that way I don't overwhelm myself. I take a lot of breaks. Some days I don't do anything. It depends on what's going on with me emotionally and/or mentally. I'm patient with myself too in making decisions about what to do with something. I have one item still sitting on the bed as I cannot come to a decision on it. It's been there for a month.

Plus I found out that I have to wear gloves when cleaning out the closet and drawers. I'm allergic to the color of clothes my husband wore. I broke out all over my hands. I knew I was allergic to blue yet not as bad as it actually is. It's much worse than I thought. Wish I could find some elbow length white gloves to use.

So a lot of my sorting through clothes in the closet is out of necessity; getting the blue clothes out of my bedroom as it causes physical problems for me. And there's a fan on my hot water heater in the closet which blows the lint around adding more problems for my allergies.

Still it's going to take as long as it takes and I'm not pushing myself to do it.

One day I actually found a document I was looking for by sorting through some things; my husband's birth certificate. He had ADHD and used to stash papers in odd places because he lacked the ability to organize.

Take care.

Comment by outwest on August 2, 2020 at 9:03am

Carousel

A small victory, but a start to move forward.
I am 4 months out on Tuesday, last Friday while it was raining I started to look at my wife stuff. I am bit overwhelmed by how much there is to handle. I figure there is no hurry to deal with it, I will get to it in time,  a little here and little there.

Move at a pace that is not too stressful for you.
Take Care

Comment by Carousel on August 2, 2020 at 7:45am

Small victory, but something.  The light in our bedroom fan had been out for a few months.  Being the procrastinators that we are, neither my wife or I rushed to replace the bulbs.  Part of it was simply trying to figure out how to get the light dome cover off easily. We looked at it a couple times, but got lazy.  At least we had small table lamp on nightstand all those months.  So, I finally decided to push myself to do something, anything, in our bedroom just to start.  Lo and behold, I was able to get the cover off with some trouble.  Ran to Dollar General and picked up new bulbs and put them in the sockets and flipped the light switch.  Oh no.  Lights did not come on.  I thought...great!  Will need an electrician.  Then I realized I needed to pull the on/off chain for the light on the fan...duh!!!!  They all three came on.  Yeah!!!  Getting the cover back on was tougher by myself.  I needed to balance on a stepstool, thread the two on/off chains through the cover while holding on the plate and screw that locks it into place.  After a couple of false starts, I got it.  Now there is light when I turn on the wall switch.  My wife and I would have a good laugh.  We've done this before.  Put something off because we thought it would be too difficult and then when we did do it, voila...simple.  Anyway, on this sixth week since she passed, I am pleased to get something done in our bedroom.  Still consider when to make the bed.  Baby steps.  Take care everyone.  

Comment by Estragon on July 26, 2020 at 6:07am

FWIW, I've found taking melatonin (~10mg), before bed has helped a lot with sleeping better.  Lack of sleep + brain fog = pretty much catatonic me.  With better sleep recently, I'm almost passably functional sometimes.

Comment by Maggie May on July 25, 2020 at 5:12am

Carousel - I could have written that - my sleep pattern is still a mess, and it's been three months for me. Things were getting better when I could work in the yard, but it has been too hot and humid to be outside, so my dog and I are trapped inside. I used to work things out when I could swim laps, but the community pool is closed. My new thing is starting, but not finishing projects - I have the attention span of a gnat. It's a process - and healing is not linear. I understand why people say "wait a year before making any major decisions." The ZOOM calls are helpful.

 

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