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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

Widowed in Assisted Living Facilities

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Widowed in Assisted Living Facilities

Groups are a place to connect with others you have something in common with. Please get acquainted here and make friends anywhere on the site.

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Members: 6
Latest Activity: Dec 15, 2018

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Comment by barbee on December 15, 2018 at 4:52pm

jesigirl87, most of us in this group remember how very hard the whole first year is with all the firsts involved. My heart breaks for those starting on this journey. When you lose someone as significant as a spouse, you never get over it but you do learn to accept it and make the hurt ease a bit. Find time to take care of yourself so you can heal by being patient and kind to yourself. Know you are not alone. Holidays do not need to be ho-ho-ho every year. Hopefully you will find something meaningful in the weeks ahead. 

Comment by Bonnie on December 14, 2018 at 12:47pm

jesigirl87, It is certainly going to be hard and I wish there were something we could all say that might make it easier.  All we can do is say we understand, and time somehow does go on and somehow brings at least a degree of ease.  Wishing you blessings and peace in this season of hope that its promise of renewal will be there for you.

Comment by jesigirl87 on December 14, 2018 at 12:39pm

Thanks for replying ladies. I am glad to have found this site as I have never felt more alone in my life especially leading up to my first Christmas without him.

Comment by Bonnie on December 7, 2018 at 9:50am

I think Barbee has said it for me as well.  I had to move my husband into assisted living because his daughter had become so insistent it was creating serious problems and the doctor told me he needed to be there.  I still agonized over it, especially after he died.  It has been over four years now and it still comes back to haunt me now and again.  But I know I did the best I could at the time.  And I also know that I didn’t feel then that I had any other choice.  It did help me when the young woman who helps me sometimes with housework and who knew him very, very well said one day, “He didn’t want to die here.”  That startled me and I said, “Why?”  She said, “Because he didn’t want your last memory of him to be of his dying here.  He knew you would never feel the same about this house.”  I realized that she was right and I acknowledge that the mysteries of death are truly beyond my understanding.  I have found some measure of peace in thinking that my husband, who was always thoughtful of me in every way, may have spared me in that way as well.  I also know that he got better care where he was than I could have given him and as the doctor told me would be true, I could spend my last times with him being a wife and not an unqualified nurse.  We had many wonderful hours together in the last three months of his life and I am grateful for that too.  Sometimes we can’t see the gifts we are being given at the time because we think we are in control when we really are not.

Comment by barbee on December 7, 2018 at 6:54am

How does one deal with guilt? I dunno. It's the age-old woulda-coulda-shoulda game we all seem to play. Just know that you did all you could and should at the time with the information and resources you had. Would you have been able to provide care for him at home as well as they did in the nursing home? If the answer is "no" or "probably not" then you need to give yourself permission to not beat yourself up over it.

It has been almost six years since my husband died and once in a while something triggers a thought and I wonder if I did the right thing. There is no do-over, so I figure it is wasted time and energy to dwell on it. My job now is to get on with living my life.

You are young and have much to look forward to. That doesn't mean you will ever forget him, because that's not possible. It does mean you can live in ways that will honor him--now and in the future. Be well. (((HUG)))

Comment by jesigirl87 on December 7, 2018 at 3:32am

Hi

I am Jess. 31 years old. 10 weeks ago today my husband Tony passed away from kidney cancer in a nursing home. He had been there for 5 weeks and I still feel so guilty that I could not honour his wish to let him die at home. Does anyone else know how to deal with the guilt?

 

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