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Widowed in Assisted Living Facilities

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Widowed in Assisted Living Facilities

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Members: 6
Latest Activity: on Friday

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Comment by Bonnie on Friday

I think Barbee has said it for me as well.  I had to move my husband into assisted living because his daughter had become so insistent it was creating serious problems and the doctor told me he needed to be there.  I still agonized over it, especially after he died.  It has been over four years now and it still comes back to haunt me now and again.  But I know I did the best I could at the time.  And I also know that I didn’t feel then that I had any other choice.  It did help me when the young woman who helps me sometimes with housework and who knew him very, very well said one day, “He didn’t want to die here.”  That startled me and I said, “Why?”  She said, “Because he didn’t want your last memory of him to be of his dying here.  He knew you would never feel the same about this house.”  I realized that she was right and I acknowledge that the mysteries of death are truly beyond my understanding.  I have found some measure of peace in thinking that my husband, who was always thoughtful of me in every way, may have spared me in that way as well.  I also know that he got better care where he was than I could have given him and as the doctor told me would be true, I could spend my last times with him being a wife and not an unqualified nurse.  We had many wonderful hours together in the last three months of his life and I am grateful for that too.  Sometimes we can’t see the gifts we are being given at the time because we think we are in control when we really are not.

Comment by barbee on Friday

How does one deal with guilt? I dunno. It's the age-old woulda-coulda-shoulda game we all seem to play. Just know that you did all you could and should at the time with the information and resources you had. Would you have been able to provide care for him at home as well as they did in the nursing home? If the answer is "no" or "probably not" then you need to give yourself permission to not beat yourself up over it.

It has been almost six years since my husband died and once in a while something triggers a thought and I wonder if I did the right thing. There is no do-over, so I figure it is wasted time and energy to dwell on it. My job now is to get on with living my life.

You are young and have much to look forward to. That doesn't mean you will ever forget him, because that's not possible. It does mean you can live in ways that will honor him--now and in the future. Be well. (((HUG)))

Comment by jesigirl87 on Friday

Hi

I am Jess. 31 years old. 10 weeks ago today my husband Tony passed away from kidney cancer in a nursing home. He had been there for 5 weeks and I still feel so guilty that I could not honour his wish to let him die at home. Does anyone else know how to deal with the guilt?

 

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