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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Widowed before 2008

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Members: 64
Latest Activity: Jun 10, 2017

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Comment by dublin53 on July 13, 2013 at 8:40am

I am not sure if I'm doing better or if I'm just doing. I have good days and then  like a wave, it hits me. I'm alone and I miss him so much. I usually have a good cry and get on with my life because I have no choice. I guess that's progress.  

Comment by shaderun on April 16, 2013 at 7:48am

Got a love you text from my youngest son last night. He always sends one before he goes to bed but last night was different. He asked me to to tell him again what his dad said the day he was born, then asked me to tell him stories about his dad. My son was only 15 when Jim got sick..16 when he died. I got in the car and drove over to his house. I felt that he really needed to talk. I'm glad I did.Talking is just what he needed. He needed to be reminded that he is not alone we are all in this together. He needs to hang on to the good stories before the brain tumor changed his role from son to protector. Protecting Jim from harming himself was a 24 hour job. Those of you who have lost love ones to a brain tumor know that you lose the person long before they die.

Comment by Ccw1718 on January 31, 2013 at 3:34pm

It has been 5 years since my husband died in a car accident. I have even been in a new, serious relationship since then, but there are days, like today, that I get slammed with grief and long for his calm, genuine heart. It seems hard to date anyone else without always comparing to the new person to the one you've lost. Does anyone else encounter this, even 5 years later?

Comment by teenytinypuppy on December 24, 2011 at 7:14am
Hi, everybody! How do I join this group? I lost my husband in 2007 from ESRD.
Comment by flamingt on December 15, 2011 at 2:05pm

Chris....then you are ready for Christmas again.  For some reasons - of which I'm really glad -- I'm not really into the Christmas spirit.  It started when he got sick, it continued after he died.  Ultimately - I was the one who spent all my energy in the decorating, buying of presents, wrapping of them, hanging of the stockings, and the baking of the cookies.  That was my normal operation, year after year.  Now that I've accepted the fact that it really doesn't matter, and I have no one to answer to but myself....I hung a wreath from Trader Joes, tied a red ribbon on it and put up a 3 feet artificial tree.  That's it!  Why am I happy?  The drama is gone about how I dealt with Christmas.  It really just me who made a big deal, he didn't care.  The kids had moved out a decade before....but I was the one who kept up the traditions.  I guess you could say, I'm carving out new traditions.  Guess what....going to the kids house for Christmas dinner!  No muss, no fuss!

Comment by Chris on December 9, 2011 at 6:07am

One of the positives that I've discovered since my late wife passed is the appreciation of the little things in life.  It certainly is nice to get a Christmas tree without the drama...  :-)

Comment by teriw on December 9, 2011 at 5:48am

Hi Stella, that's great - hope you really enjoy your beautiful Christmas tree!

Comment by stella777 on December 8, 2011 at 8:52pm

This will be the 4th Christmas without Kerry.  I spent a lot of money on our Christmas tree this year.  It was always so painful to go to a lot, pick it out, have it tied to my car and drive it home.  I always took my girls and it must have been hard for them too because we always had huge fights before, during and after.  So this year I bought a tree as part of a fund raiser for a high school baseball team.  I checked off the box 'pick one out for me' and paid $3 for them to deliver it.  I got a beautiful tree with no fights.  It was a very nice treat for me, even though it was expensive.

Comment by teriw on November 21, 2011 at 6:21am

Stella, I understand where you're coming from. I've had friends going through some rough marital issues too (including divorce). I've caught myself thinking, "I know this is a really hard time, but it can't possibly compare..." When I read your post, something struck me. I was on a website early in Bill's death where people had all suffered the loss of someone with lung cancer (what Bill died of). It wasn't necessarily just spouses. Sometimes something would spark what I would call a "grief comparison" conversation, that usually got heated. Having had multiple extended members die in very recent years (from 4 months old, to 41, 44, and older), it's made me realize that although losing a spouse is  absolutely a unique and dreadful loss, so is losing a baby or an adult child, so is losing a twin or other sibling, or a parent (none of which I've been through). They're all different. Perhaps what is "the worst" for me isn't necessarily the worst for another person. If someone has never lost a spouse, the situations our friends are in very well might be the worst thing that's happened to them. It's hard to remember sometimes.

Flamingt, thanks for your validation and wise words! Congrats on your book! What a great accomplishment. I hope that you're able to work things out with your daughter. I can imagine that teens and even adult children must have a pretty hard time when their widowed parents need to make decisions for themselves. I really like your ending statement about asking the simple question -- will it hold me in my past, or move me toward an inspiring future? I'm going to remember that. I think we have to be ready to move toward that future, and I think I finally really am -- I hope so, because I moved for that purpose! I also like that you said, "it's getting better each day." It is indeed a process.

Thanks to you both for sharing your experiences.

Comment by flamingt on November 20, 2011 at 7:12pm

Teriw... you are experiencing a big growth in yourself.  It is moving forward, escpecially if you are recognizing it immediately.  When emotions arise, close your eyes, witness them and see where they are feeling in your body.  Then let them come out.  You are a much stronger person today than you were four years ago.

 

It has been four for me too!  Yesterday, I had a therapist in my house sitting on my couch working with a loving communication tool that I could use with my daughter.  I had not seen her in seven months.  We have been estranged for over 18 months because of decisions I made without her.  It's a long story and now I have put it down in a book which I will be publishing in two months.  

Exciting hello...is the best way to describe a move.  It was for me, exciting, but a realization that you, as a individual, a making decisions that you know are best for you.  Enjoy it, celebrate it, and understand that it is natural to doubt and think judgments against yourself.  When you stop judging yourself you'll find you are healthier and  happier.  So...when you witness something that that might be holding you back, just ask yourself...will this choice hold me in my past or move me towards an inspiring future?  Short answer...YES...I have had those feelings many many times, and it is getting better each day.

 

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