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Widowed in 2008

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Comment by Callie2 on March 22, 2015 at 6:51pm
Going to make it,
You make a good role model however, I wouldn't attempt any of that stuff you listed! Good for you, I am challenged with simpler tasks but I do what I am physically able to do. Keep up the good work!
Comment by going to make it on March 15, 2015 at 6:25pm

Hugs to all of you! Like you, I've learned to do so much for myself; drains, I put a chandelier in my girl's room, tiled a floor, lay hardwood, sheet rock, even build new kitchen cabinet doors. I mow, etc. We learn to do our jobs and theirs, don't we? I guess he was right after all...I'm cheap! hahaha I refuse to pay someone to do something if there's a video to teach me how to do it myself!

We can do this, ladies! HUGS!!!

Comment by Callie2 on March 15, 2015 at 6:14pm
Way to go Widowette! Chalk up one more success! Yes, we do lose the hands and we have to do some of these dirty jobs but we will survive. Accept the fact life will not be as perfect as it once was. I'm still working on a garage and shed jam-packed with stuff. Problem is, there are more important things I must do and I have a few chronic conditions that drain my energy but little by little, I'll get there. Yes, we will be facing many challenges but as long as we see them as challenges, we will not let it get us down.
Comment by Widowette on March 14, 2015 at 1:56pm

Dear Callie2!  Congratulations!  Good job not getting bit!  You obviously read the instructions!  When I first had to perform these tasks, I was resentful and would cry - sometimes I still cry, but I am not resentful any longer.  I do believe I am here for a reason.  That does help me greatly.  There is new research about grieving.  It is called the Dual Process of Grief - it is defined as 2 dimensional.  When we loose our spouse, we also loose their hands and the tasks they performed.  Of course, the other dimension is the emotional aspect. They say we vacillate between the two.  I am happy you were successful in not getting bit - these things are frightening - there will be many more tasks like these for us.  Widowhood is certainly not a one-size-fits-all.  The level of challenges we face and support available to us, like having someone to hold a flashlight, can make all the difference in our success.  I would like to ask you to explain how you 'compartmentalize' - I found that very interesting - would you mind?  oh, I was a success - the drain is cleared - and the Vicks did help!

Comment by Callie2 on March 14, 2015 at 1:08pm
Dear Widowette,
Somehow we have to deal with these unpleasant challenges in the best way we know how. I know, I hate it too! There is a bush several yards from by backdoor that appeared to have accumulated some debris inside and I almost grabbed it but as I got closer, realized it was a bees nest the size of a human head! I backed up and kind of panicked for a sec then thought, well, I have to take care of this. Went down to the local hardware place and bought a couple cans of wasp spray and waited until dark. My grandson was here with me and helped by holding a flashlight so I could spray it. It was quite warm at the time, but I donned a couple thick sweatshirts and gloves, just in case. We got it! Now, it's not nearly as unpleasant as your task today but this is one I really hated to do also. I do wish you luck. Love the Vicks idea!
Comment by Widowette on March 14, 2015 at 8:56am

Good Day to you both, Colleen51 and Callie2!  I have learned so many new skills since my husband passed away - I say "passed away" because that phrase helps me.  I find the "d" word, harsh - I don't like it.  I don't feel like my husband "d'd"...I feel like he is in another place, yet still here with me in so many ways.  I like that, it helps me.  It allows me access to him in a sacred way, like how marriage is sacred.  So, I am going to enlist my husbands help as I embark upon using one of my new skills. I used to get sick when the kids "fru-up" as my daughter said when she was husband suggested putting a bit of Vicks on my nose so the aroma of their sickness wouldn't make me sick....that is what I am off to do.  Get the Vick's jar, a mask and the rubber gloves bleach and boil water to go into the basement and get the sewer system unclogged - YIPEE !!!!  We weren't prepared, financially, when my husband passed - I can't afford to call a service to do this delightful task for me - so, I will come back later, hopefully after a very successful 'plunge' and respond to both your loving and supportive words!!  Wish me luck!!

Comment by Colleen51 on March 13, 2015 at 11:07pm

Hi Widowette,  Thank you so much for taking the time and patience to write to me!  I so appreciate your thoughts and value them.  It seems we are both on the same 'wave length' in many ways, both grieving immensely still and yearning to be with our late husbands (even though it means going to heaven to do that!).  I feel such sorrow for you that you do not seem to have family support of any kind.  This has to be devastating to say the lease.  I have to say though, I have little family support too as my Dad (at the time of my husband's deather) was in the midst of dementia (eventually killed him in November 2012) and my mother was completely taken up with caring for him.  My only other sibling was fighting for her life, awaiting a lung transplant as she has Cystic Fibrosis and although has since had a transplant, has no time for myself or my kids.  My other sister lives in Jamaica so she cannot help at all!  I found that friends kept their distance and in fact nobody has ever actually come around to my house and asked did I need any help with anything around the house. I have been disappointed in the lact of support generally.  I do however, have three great children who are 21,20 and 18 and though they were young at the time of their father's death, have been a blessing in that they were here with me and that in itself provided some comfort.  Now that they are pretty much adults, they lead their own lives, they are no longer dependent on me, they each have their own car, I am not needed for anything except money and food!!!!!I guess this is why I have become totally depressed with life as I see nothing but doom and gloom for what is left of my life.  However this is a bad attitude to have really as I am fit and healthy, have been left financially stable where I don't have to work and hae many years left of a potentially good life.  There are millions of people desperately fighting for their lives right now all over the world from cancer or other debilitating diseases.  They would do anything to live longer and here am I begging to go to heaven because I simply have given up trying to be happy without my husband!  It is really wrong on my part.  So I do feel guilty thinking the way I do. Callie 2 is exactly correct in what she says.  We have to move forward to find some happiness in life (whatever it takes to be happy) as its almost a sin to want 'out' of a precious life that we have been blessed with.  I still cry every day and in fact there has not been a day in almost 7 years that I have not cried.  This according to many people is 'not normal'.  I don't know how not to cry though!  Perhaps if I did meet a new man and let him into my life, I would view life very differently, I don''t know as I have not tried and right now have little interest in trying!!!! Like you said Widowette, you feel like you have died within yourself, I say the same thing!  My motto is " I exist for the sake of my children but my heart died back in June 2008" ( when my husband Gerry died).  I know for sure he would not be happy with me having this outlook on life and would be so angry if I ever left this world sooner than I should!  So for the moment, I try to get out of bed each day with a positive attitude and hope and pray that eventually I will find happiness in some form! I am so grateful for your thoughts and advice - it is so comforting to know I am not the only weird widow who feels the way I do in this big crazy world of ours!  As Callie so correctly said, "we are both deserving of happiness"!  take care xxx

Comment by Callie2 on March 13, 2015 at 4:46pm
I am sorry you both still seem to be grieving your losses. No one is going to fault you for your feelings, they are yours and that is OK. My feelings are quite similar, in fact a lot of what you write is spot on. The difference between us is that I chose to try and be as happy as I can. Life is short. I guess I have learned how to compartmentalize these feelings so that I am able to move forward with my life-to continue living. I am at peace with his passing as I trust he is also at peace. I'm not out looking for someone new but can understand other's need to do so. Whatever feelings you may have, whatever choices you make, we do what is best for us. All I 'm saying is we can interact with others and find purpose or find something that brings us joy in our remaining years. This is not fighting how you feel or is it accepting it. Accept that you both are deserving of happiness!
Comment by Widowette on March 11, 2015 at 7:45am

ooops....I meant to say, "to fight rather than to accept how we feel , is non productive" needs to be okay, how we feel - it doesn't matter that other women have moved on in life, that is their story and it is okay for them.  That we are in the minority doesn't make "less" how we feel or that we should strive for what does not come natural to us.   I will never "get over" my husband's passing - I long for him continually.  Perpetually adjusting to adjusting to adjusting, and learning to incorporate my husband in my life is the only way I can live my life - ....and that is okay.

Comment by Widowette on March 11, 2015 at 7:27am

Colleen 51, my heart goes out to you!  I am so sorry for the passing of your husband!  I also want "out", as you describe your desire for the same.  My living situation is very different than yours, as my loved ones were not able to support me.  My journey has been so lonely - hugs? come from strangers.  The day my husband lost his life to cancer, I also lost my life as I knew it.  Even boards like these were and mostly, are not comforting to me-I rarely find another that feels as I do.  I also long for my husband as you do.  I have been cut out of all my loved ones lives - as though I also lost my life that day.  I need my husband to be a part of my life - he is a part of it for me, as much as he can be.  I so much want to be with him and long for him as you do.  I try to stop his "being present" at every moment, but that is a life of its own that is simply a part of me - I now refuse to try and stop my husbands' presence in my life, and welcome it no matter it is as painful as it is comforting.  My solace through this journey has been searching the internet for any information that tells me how I am feeling is okay.  Just yesterday I read a paper from an Australian that said, "There has been a movement away from the idea that successful grieving requires 'letting go,' offering an alternate approach where they argue that after the passing of our love, bonds with that person don't necessarily have to be severed, and that there is potentially a healthy role for maintaining continuing bonds with our love."  Isn't it sad that it isn't okay for me to feel as I do, or for you, and I have to search for another human being to say it is okay for me to still live with my love - especially in that this is the only way I can maintain my life?  I will be happy to share the article with you.  My husband is the only person in my life that "knew all of me" and there is no other any more that does.  I am no longer the 'priority' of any other human being in life. I no longer 'belong' anywhere.  He is the only one that can comfort me through this and he is not here, physically, to do so.  I don't think how you are feeling is odd at all - our spouse is the one we 'had dreams with', they are the one who could console and understand us as no one else can.  "In true married love, it is not that 2 hearts walk side by side thru life.  Rather, the 2 hearts become 1 heart. That is why death is not a separation of 2 hearts, but the tearing apart of 1 heart".  To accept rather than fight how we feel is non-productive.  My life as I knew it ended when my husband passed away.  There is no "getting over it" for me - everyday it is a continuing adjusting to adjusting to living with my husband in a way that is "okay for me".  No matter how uncomfortable it is for others.  I am grateful to you for sharing because it validates how I feel - I wish more women who feel this way would share - maybe then we would feel more supported in the reality of our widowhood.  I have already died, I have lost my life as I knew it.  I am most grateful my husband will not have to suffer dying twice.  I am grateful to you, Colleen 51, for being brave and sharing.  Now, my tears are not so alone.  I don't feel so invisible by virtue of your sharing and that helps me.  Thank you for being the Blessing of my day, Colleen51, in sharing your struggles and pain.  


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