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Widowed in 2009

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Comment by Steve on September 16, 2015 at 10:13pm
This made me feel so much better. Now yrs later, I have moved my elderly frail mother into a new apt with my partner and I. The place has a lot of beautiful terrazzo tile on the floors, and carpeting in bedrooms. Avery is 13 at this point, been starting to have some behavior issues, but nothing too bad, however, first night mom moves in, Avery takes a huge crap, right outside moms bedroom door, and pees in her bedroom. He has never done this since puppyhood. I strike it up to nerves, anger at mom moving in, whatever. Sadly this continues and continues. We walk Avery every half hour all day, 20 min walks at times, won't go, then closing house down for night, just brought Avery in from 20 min walk, and big crap on floor, pee all down the hall, kitchen, dining room, and I can't have this, if mom came out of her room on walker hit pile or pee, slipped on terrazzo tile, omg! Tried mess from vet, everything I could think of. I realized I had to put Avery down. I called the vet and made appt for next day, took him to vet by myself, walked into vet, paid bill, handed leash to tech and walked out. Omg! Once again, I bailed on Avery, made him go thru process of dieing with strangers. I just couldn't be there to watch the loves of my life leave. When I got home, I imediatly gathered all toys, bedding, pictures from walls, and into garbage they went. Didn't want any reminders to bring me into grief. Had to keep going for mom and new partner. Anyway, just needed to vent this, trying hard to let it go, forgive myself and be free of this pain. Everybody take care...night
Comment by Steve on September 16, 2015 at 10:02pm
Hi everyone. Just thought I would share some thoughts and struggles I'm having lately regarding my grief. As most of us know and understand well, we all grieve differently, there is no wrong way to grieve. My process has been since early 2013, to contemplate my grief, think about it logically, try to make choices for myself that allow me to feel the feelings I have, but also try to put a period to a particular, specific part of the grief I have, hoping as I chip away at the Boulder of pain, eventually it will get smaller and smaller, hopefully allowing me to live better and better. There is a long standing particular pain I feel, it's a memory of mikes last 3 hrs of life. Hospice had asked me when they came in, did I want them to wake me or notify me if I wasn't there and they felt Mike was nearing his passing. I said no. I didn't want to be there. The prior evening to mikes passing around midnight Saturday night, ( Mike passed Sunday morning at 321 am) I had finally gathered up the courage to go in and lie with Mike, tell him it was ok to let go. Hospice had been suggesting, asking me to do this for days, and I just couldn't. I spent probably 30-45 min with him alone, house completely empty, when I was ready, the entire house including hospice, took off and cleared out for us. I had to put an armor around me, to get into his hospice area in the formal living room, I hadn't been in there for over a week. I would walk into the foyer, stand at the opening to the formal living room, look in, and check on things, but I could never step in. He was never alone, always had 1-5 people surrounding his bed, caring, talking, holding his hand, so on, his mother and sister slept on the floor next to his bed from the time he went into a coma, and was moved into the formal living room, from our bed. When this happened I shut down. Anyway I finally gathered up the courage, or the strength to go in and tell him to let go. As it turned out, I couldn't hold it together, I thought, how do I say goodbye to this man I have loved over 30 yrs? It was very emotional, even though in a coma, he knew I was there, tears streamed out of his eyes down the sides of his face, his chest moved as he was crying, again even though, in a coma. After I felt done, I went to bed, as I sat on our bed we shared, I thought, wow, never going to have him with me again. Several hrs later mikes mom came into my room, sat on the side of my bed and told me he had passed. I through my housecoat on grabbed my keys and flew out the front door saying as I flew by, "call me when he's gone"! My best friend ran after me, "I'm coming with you" and I drove to the local jack in the box, and waited for the phone call with my friend till around 10 am. About a year to 2 yrs later, I finally allowed, asked Mike sister to tell me about his last moments. She had told me soon after his passing, that when I was ready to hear about it, to ask her and she would tell me, but I had to ask her. She wouldn't bring it up again. When I finally asked her, she told me how it went down, she looked up from the floor, as she was trying to sleep, Mike had sat up in bed, she and mom got up and he looked at them, he had such love and peace in his eyes, she said he looked around the room, bent his head as if looking for someone, then he lied back down, closed his eyes and took a deep breathe and passed. When I heard this I actually was horrified, I took this to mean he was looking for me, and I wasn't there. I have carried this crushing guilt, horror, feel so sick to my stomachs at times, hoping he wasn't looking for me. I went to a wonderful medium yrs later, after many failed attempts, and this medium was spot on amazing. Besides describing him to a tee, discussing his personality, his illness, his age, she said so many wonderful things, one of which was, Mike wants you to know that he wasn't looking for you as he passed. He was making sure you weren't in the room when he passed.
Comment by shayne on September 2, 2015 at 3:32pm
Steve & Susieg: Thank you both for your words of wisdom and validation I'm not crazy. Steve I'm glad you have found a new partner and I hope you have years and years of happiness together. Susie: The lady's comments were totally insensitive; but that happens. I have a very good friend who was constantly complaining that her husband was never home, always traveling for his job; I finally had enough and said: He comes home, my Tim will never come home to me again, she just doesn't get it and I've stopped trying to explain it". Actually I've stopped trying to explain any of it; when I'm sad or having a bad day I just stay home or do what I need which is usually just quiet time. People just don't understand the hole in our hearts that they took when they left. Enough of my stuff; hope you both have a good week and I will keep you both in my prayers. Shayne
Comment by Neen on September 2, 2015 at 3:27pm

Hi all especially Shayne, It's a hard day I know.  I will hit the six year mark on Christmas Eve.  Not sure if things will ever be the same.  Even though I don't comment much myself, I love this group.  We are all in the same boat (most of the time) it seems.  I don't think we're crazy.  I think we were just caring people that were so close to our partners that we are just taking a while to adjust.  I do feel that I've come a long way but I have two friends that have only hit the 2 1/2 yr mark and I know are suffering.

My best friend who passed away 2 1/2 yrs ago is someone who knew when to call and knew when I was having a bad day.  Now it's her husband who calls.  We have a commeradery (spl?) that I don't share with many.  I can talk to him and even though i don't break down, he does.  He knows he can cry in front of me or on the phone.  I'm so happy that there is someone he can turn to.  It's a long hard road.  I have another friend who lost her husband over 2 yrs ago and, she doesn't share much.  I guess she is more private.  I do know by her posts on facebook that she is still grieving.  

Susieq I understand you totally.  I've been trying to lose weight.  I used to go to water aerobics but haven't been back in a while.  I'm just trying to deal with my finances (as usual) so I hate to make a comment to spend more money.  My son is getting married next year (and that's another story in itself) so with that expense and then we have a family reunion in South Dakota, which I am trying to be able to go to.  This whole thing stinks.  I have a "man" friend who lost his wife a few weeks before I lost my husband and we have learned to help each other out.  Then there are times he would say, let's stop being morbid.  I don't consider talking about my husband or his wife as being morbid.  I don't think he deals well either.  He did mention once that he wasn't sure what his wife thought of him when she died (and that was sudden also).  Well, that's pretty sad.  So I think there are another set of issues with him.

Oh well, I can go on and on but I must say I hurt for each and everyone of you because I DO know how you feel with the loss of your partner and spouses.  I think we will never get over it.  We will move on and go on but it will never be the same.  We will never be the same ever again.  I just said yesterday that I don't think I'll ever get over my husband's death.  Of course then I feel that I must be selfish because it's all about me.  But honestly he is the one that is gone and I'm the one here without him and stuck in limbo some days.

Well, have a wonderful holiday weekend that is fast approaching.  That's another sad time...first of all my Mom died 25 yrs ago this passed Monday and my husband and my 44th wedding anniversary will be on Sept 4.  So I just might as well climb into a whole this week and wake up on Monday all refreshed.  No, I'm just kidding.  Enjoy the holiday.  I do love summer but in NC we still have a few more months of it.

Comment by Susieg on September 2, 2015 at 1:02pm

Hi Shayne and Steve...I hardly ever comment on here anymore....but seeing Shayne's comment about 6 years triggered me to comment.  I passed 6 years 4/30.  I miss my Michael every day, I don't know that is ever going to change.  Sometimes I think I don't have long to live, because I have gained so much weight, can't seem to lose it.  I go to Physical Therapy twice a week, joined a gym but really haven't gone but 2 times for the recumbent bike.  So, OK, I am up and moving around more than before,and have gained weight!!!!  I don't think there is anything wrong with you Shayne, because if there is, it's me, too.  My biggest love in my life are my dog and cat!!!  I love them to death, even tho the cat likes to bite.....oh well...my sisters provide no support, my mom died 12/1/13, she kind of understood since she lost my dad in 1973, remarried in 1975.  But was concerned with my weight gain and meeting someone!!!! Bless her heart, I do miss her, she was my only family who understood.  I never want to forget or move on.  Yesterday in the pool at therapy, an older lady was in there and we were talking.  I told her I was trying to get in better shape, and she was a widow too, I don't know how long.  She said she was more of a stoic widow...her husband always said....ready for it...??? Life is for the living...I wanted to drown her!!!!  Everyone says,  :Mike would want you to live....NO SHIT....I just  spent a lot of money in the last year and a half on the house...mini makeover in kitchen, backyard sodded with some planter boxes, painted the outside of the house.  This was starting to be done to see it sometime down the road, but now I think I will stay here for a while.  My psychologist isn't happy about it...isolation and all that....but I don't want to be around people all week, or having people drop by.  Nobody drops in here, I live too far  for them to come visit...so screw it.  I think I like it this way.  I just want to get in better health so I can do a little traveling and not die and leave my pets.  Otherwise, I don't care.Everybody wants me be the old me...I will never be that person.  Well,I aa on a kind of depressed day, so I will go for now.  Steve, forgot to answer your last letter, and Shayne, there is nothing wrong with you...I don't think!!!

Comment by Steve on September 2, 2015 at 6:15am
Hi Shayne, so sorry that you are going thru this, I know this is tough. I have had similar/same feelings and I wonder sometimes, if we ever REALLY move out of those feelings. Yes, we get back into life, meet new friends, do new activities, laugh, cry, participate as best we can, however there is still that quiet loneliness, missing in us that hasn't changed yet. I have known widows of 20 yrs that still cry at the mention. I don't do that anymore, myself, I can talk about Mike and our life together, tell funny stories of him, so on, and not cry, but, there is still a pain, missing in my life, I call "home". I am in the situation that there is really know one in my daily circle, that knew Mike, or us as a couple. All our friends either left my life when Mike passed, or live far away. The few long time friends that were involved in our life, I speak to by phone, 6-8 times per year, stay in touch, but everyone in my life now is new to my life since Mike passed. So I never or rarely speak of him. I keep him and our life and memories in my heart, and only share those here. I will be thinking of Mike at night, my new partner sleeping next to me, but he never knows that I still think of Mike, new partner has no clue about this journey, he is very young and has never lost anyone in his life, much more, someone significant to him. He is still untouched by that pain. I know that might sound difficult for me, but really, I like it. I love seeing life thru his eyes, experiencing the beauty of his days without that pain in his heart yet. It reminds me of me prior to my first close loss. The first close, devastating loss to me was my childhood best friend at 31. We were 2 months apart in age. We had been best friends since the age of 10. I've experienced a lot of loss since then. That was now 22 yrs ago. I remember recently thinking of him, thinking he has now been gone, longer than we were friends. But this is our experience here in this life. Thank goodness we have experienced great love, I see people in their 50's, not relating to our human experience of loss at all, and I'm sad for them, as, to me, this means they have never allowed their hearts to experience great deep love.
Comment by shayne on September 2, 2015 at 5:31am

Hi to all:

I'll be brief. Today is 6 years since I lost my Tim; do I miss him-yes; am I sad-yes, do I miss my best friend-yes, am I lonely-yes; do I miss being Tim's wife- yes; do people still think I should be better- yes, but tell me what's better especially when their husband is waiting for them at home, they just don't get it so I've taken to not even trying to explain any of it anymore- I just stay away when I'm feeling sad and vunerable and find my own comfort. I guess the one thing I've learned is I give my self permission to cry, to be alone, to do what I need to do. I still talk to my Tim all the time- is that normal? So I promised to be brief and this has gotten long- thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your kind and encouraging words over the past 6 years. Shayne

Comment by bis4betsy on July 1, 2015 at 6:58am

Hi Juls & Neen- I struggle with the same things.  It is not what I planned but it is my current reality too.  Decision making is hard and I paralyze myself overthinking everything instead of just doing it.  

My daughter got married last October and I found myself dreading it. It was a very bittersweet and surreal day for me.  I was there, made it through without many tears, and thankfully my brother supported me.  She didn't want anyone else to walk her down the aisle so she walked alone, but she wore the fancy cowboy boots he wore at our wedding so she felt like he walked her down the aisle.  She did have an area set up in the reception area with flowers, his grubby cowboy boots, and a picture of them when she was very little.  We also included other small things throughout the day to remind her of all his love.  One of the hardest parts of the day was when my mother-in-law arrived.  She was very sad, crying, and really missing her son. Me too.  I can't imagine what it's like for her.     

I hate saying this but I was glad when it was all over.  It didn't seem like a celebration to me. It brought back memories of my own wedding and all that I lost when he died.  I've never shared these feelings with her though.  I put on my brave face and carried on.   You will too.  

Comment by Neen on July 1, 2015 at 5:47am

Hi Juls,  Yes really stinks being widowed.  Nothing we can do about it I know.  My son is getting married next year.  I am already thinking that I will be sobbing down the aisle.  I hope I can think of something that will keep me all together.  I hope by next year I can get my feelings together.  

It know what you mean after almost 6 years for me, I could just cry some days.  I'm sure some of it is pity on myself.  I hate having to make all the decisions without having someone to talk to so my friends are the ones that I seem to pull into my decision making sometimes.  Thank goodness for my sister and my friends.  They have helped me through some tough times.  Every day is another day and I hope to keep my self positive.

I hope you handle your son's wedding and if you come up with some good solution let me know.

Yes I am both too....widowed and suddenly.   Then I realize that it could be worse.  I think of other people's suffering and realize that I'm ok, my husband is in a better place and I have two sons that are always there for me too.  That's good positive thinking.  

Have a great 4th of July all.  

Comment by Juls on July 1, 2015 at 5:07am

Hi.. I have been reading everyones post here all the time.  They mostly post on the suddenly widowed side.  Well, I am both.  My huband passed in 2009 and it was suddenly.  Anyway, my son is getting married and I am so afraid of blubbering down the asle and at the reception.I just don't want my kids or anyone else to see me crying.  Maybe I could think of something he did that really pissed me off Lol LOL.   Lately I have really been having a hard time and still thinking about all the memories we have made and it breaks my heart.   I am 56 and I have been really lonely lately and I know I am not ready for a relationship but I would love the company also.   I don't understand after 6 years it still comes up to the surface. I know no one has the answer for me but thanks for letting me vent.

 

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