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Widowed in 2009

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Comment by Steve on March 7, 2015 at 7:59am
Escape his deeds. Chris thought I had lost my mind, but I was actually laughing so hard while driving 70 mph down the freeway. It was so Mike to duck out the back door when he knew I was furious with him and I was coming home to let him have it, after discovering his latest scheme, or lie, or deceit about something, I explained to Chris why I was laughing, after I finally could stop and contain myself, and I talked the rest of the way home, telling him about some circumstances that had happened in my past with Mike, and how he had just literally flew out the back door, 1 min before I got home, after discovering one of his crazy things he did. I would ask Isabel our maid when I came in, "where is he" and she would say, he just ran out the back door in her broken English, and I would see his car pulling out our driveway, . I'm laughing at this memory.
He would stay away for a few hrs, giving me time to cool down, then he would sheepishly come home, with flowers and candy and sometimes jewelry, or a teddy bear, or whatever he thought would work at the time. He was literally a genius, his iq was tested, during his stays at mental hospitals trying to find the right prescription to keep him sane, and he would come up with the most amazing excuses, the perfect reasons why he had done what he had done, and why he had lied to me, and so on. By the time he finished his presentation to me, of whys and when's and how much he loved me, and isn't this teddy bear so cute, or isn't this your favorite stone in this ring, or whatever, I had forgiven him, sure he had learned his lesson, after all, he had been thru so much lately with his prescriptions or work or his back or whatever, and I was back in love, worshiping the ground he walked on, and how could I have ever thought such mean things about him, how could I ever have been so mad at him! ..he was a master charmer, and a devilishly handsome man, wrapped me around his finger, in two seconds, and it's so bizarre now, trying to come to peace with my missing him, mad at him, rage at him, tenderness towards him. It's just crazymakin.
He could convince me that it was 80 degrees out when there was 4 ft of snow on the ground.
He could create such havoc, around him then run and hide leaving me to clean up the mess, but then he could also be as crazy in showing his love for me, surprising me with romantic holidays, flying people in to witness his proposal to me, singing to me out our window in the back yard at 3 am, so all the neighbors could hear when I wouldn't let him in the house.
When Chris and I got home yesterday from the cemetery, Chris pulled me in our bedroom, opened his arms to me, and gave me a big bear hug, saying to me, "I love you and I'm so sorry it didn't work out today", I thanked him for being so supportive to me and so sorry he has to deal with my crap surrounding Mike and my moving my mom in with us. He said I make him so happy, he loves me and we will work everything out. He is very mature in some ways, for being 25. He is a wonderful man and I'm lucky to have him in my life. I'm also so grateful to you all for reading my posts from time to time. And at least letting me vent here, I so much appreciate it.
Comment by Steve on March 7, 2015 at 7:31am
And the really messed up things he did, due to his bi-polar, manic depressive, over dramatic, ways, his drug abuse, his lies to me to cover his bad behavior and inconsiderate things. Also, I discovered after his liver failure, that he had purposely overdosed himself on a medication, and caused his liver failure, which led to his passing when he did. This was so like him. I know, I know, he was in stage 4 cancer, and all of it, but really? I have been so mad at him lately, and maybe I'm finally going thru the true anger phase that everyone claims is part of our grief process. I have not been myself over these past months, Chris has seen me at some of my worst, loosing my temper, being grumpy, yelling at the dog, and him and contractors, and just so pissed off at times. I think back at what a great loving partner I was to Mike, how hard I worked daily to hold our lives together, keep him held together, keep our home going, keep him on his meds, then nursing him thru back surgery, then cancer, and he gives up on me and leaves me! Well I decided that I was going to go to his grave, and let loose on him. I just really wanted to stand there and look at his headstone, and give him what for! Tell him everything I was mad at him for, how dare he come into my life and make me fall in love with him, beg me to stay with him during the times I had reached the end of my rope with his bad behaviors, finding out he had secretly stopped his meds, and so on. After thinking about going to his grave for the past 5 yrs, and holding off for some reason, I fisnlly realized it was because I was so pissed at him and for the past 6 yrs, I was afraid to go see his grave. Well after some conversations with Chris, he said, "let's go". We decided to go to mikes grave yesterday, it's about a 50 min drive each way, got mom all set, so she was comfortable at home, and off Chris and I went to the cemetery. The entire drive down I was buried in my thoughts about what I wanted to say to Mike, Chris put on some music and tuned into it, and when we finally got to the cemetery, it brought up all kinds of sadnes, and pain, but I forced myself to remember my anger and we parked and walked inside the mortuary office. There was a young couple distraught, at the desk ahead of us. As we pulled into the parking lot and parked I saw them pull in get out of their really old, relapitated van, and walk into the office ahead of us. When Chris and I walked in, they were discussing wanting to see their sons grave, and a worker came out to greet them, and they walked out together to go see their sons grave. Then Chris and I walked up advised them we wanted to see my former partners grave, and they had me fill out a paper and write mikes name and date of death on the form. It was so weird to write his name again. A representative came out and greeted Chris and I, he said he would take us to mikes spot, and to follow him in our car, in his golf cart. As we pulled up to mikes spot, Chris and I both saw, this couple laying on the ground, in heavy grief, surrounding a grave covered in flowers. It was a new grave. As the cart stopped and we pulled up behind him got out of our car and followed him, their sons grave was RIGHT NEXT TO MIKES GRAVE! Out of all the 1000s and 1000s.of graves this couples son could have been in, it was right next to Mikes grave! They were 3 feet from us, crying and grieving and here I was, so full of anger and prepared to yell and scream and tell Mike how I felt, and there was no way I could. I had waited 5 yrs to get to this point, finally accepted Chris's offer to take me down there, made the trip and couldn't say a thing, because if I did I knew I would loose it and go crazy at Mike while this couple grieved their newly passed son. I looked at Chris, said lets go, and we left. Mike had escaped my wrath, again. I was so mad, lol, then I thought how funny it was that Mike pulled a fast one again. He always was able to
Comment by Steve on March 7, 2015 at 7:02am
Hi everybody. Well, this has been a really hard week. Mom moved in on Monday, I was very stressed, because I wanted everything so perfect and comfortable for her and as always, it wasn't. Lol. I severely fractured my ankle in 1993 and thru 4 surgeries, 3 Steele plates and 42 screws they put me back together again, however thru the yrs my ankle has acted up and gets very painful at times, well of course it was acting up during this crazy time. Chris and I moved in about 10 days prior, and I had to go about hiring contractors to build ramps over two sets of stairs, another contractor to build and hand shelves, hang artwork, pictures, and install handicap bars in bath. Meanwhile, unpacking, putting away our stuff, meanwhile shopping for some new dressers, night stands, and a new dining table and some handicap things for mom to make bathing and eating easier. Chris has been wonderful, he put a new floor on our cement patio, we bought all sorts of plants and shrubs and rose bushes, and Chris built a wonderful water fountain. This move has been a reminder of my early yrs with Mike, I forget that I had to help Mike with direction in our moves, and with reminders of helping me with household chores , and picking up after himself. Yrs into our relationship, I still did 90 pct of our housework, cleaning up, but when we moved, Mike had learned later in yrs to be so supportive and helpful in our moves, or preparing to travel or whatever. He learned to stay out of my way when I was packing, and he knew when I put a bag near the front door, it meant put it in the car. But stay away from me and don't hover, or ask me a bunch of questions when I was getting us ready for travel or moving. He just watched tv, kept me fed, watered, and when a box came in to the living room moving, or a bag came in traveling, take it out and put it in car. Well all these little knowings, are completely not there in Chris yet, so I have to ask him to put this away or throw out his Gatorade bottles, or clean off the patio table, and yes that means wipe it off too! Lol. Of course, the contractor took 5 days to complete everything, instead of the two he promised. Of course he made a mistake in the placement of the handicap rails, had to rip them out of the wall, replace them, then repair wall and repaint the entire wall. Of course it took forever to get the ramps guy to come out, keep his appointments, and then deliver the ramps once they came in, had to call him every day, because he just wouldn't call me when promised. Meanwhile having to explain to mom each day, why I couldn't move her in tomorrow. When the day finally came that I pulled the trigger on moving her in, of course it was pouring rain. The movers didn't understand my very clear, patiently explained directions on placement of furnishings and boxes, so everything that I had worked so hard on organizing went out the window when I discovered their error. Mom had no bed, at the end of the night, because her bedroom was full of boxes, Chris was eating a sandwich and watching a movie laying on our bed in our bedroom when I discovered the error, I had asked him to make sure the movers put the boxes in the music room, NOT moms bedroom. When I opened the bedroom door to find Chris, when I saw the stack of boxes in moms room, he was mid-bite of his sandwich, I looked at him and I just closed the door, lol, I thought I was going to explode! Lol. I could here him saying , "what did I do honey"? What? What?
Also, during this time I have been ignoring pain, sadness creeping in, because the move and all this craziness is taking place thru Mikes birthday, and the anniversary of his passing and funeral. I have been wanting so bad to talk to Mike, ask him some questions about our life together, I have been really angry at him lately, it seems this past month I have been having so many bad memories with him, I'm only remembering the rough times in our yrs together,
Comment by Neen on March 3, 2015 at 5:22am

You are a good person and a good son.  Enjoy your Mom, stay calm and take a deep breath.  We all know that each day is a gift....enjoy those gifts, enjoy the differences of Chris and Mike.  You will never ever forget the love of your life.  I too wish someone would tell me to sit down and relax a bit and let that someone do for me.  Not sure that is ever going to happen.  I have a lot of support but honestly after 5 yrs, I'm almost embarrassed to say that I still need a little pat on the back or a big hug.  Things have changed, I do not like it at all but there is no turning back to the way it was.  I am hopeful that maybe some day (maybe even into my 80's) things will be good for me.  See, I'm still hoping and wishing for all those fun things to happen again...love and companionship.

Comment by Steve on March 2, 2015 at 7:43am
Hi everybody. Today is the big day, moving mom in. It is absolutely pouring this morning. Ugh. It rains 7 days per year here and I chose the day it rains. Made it thru the anniversary yesterday of mikes passing. Kept myself super busy all day with packing mom, cleaning up around our place and trying to make sure I have everything in place for the move today. As I have been getting ready I have allready remembered several things I meant to do prior to move that slipped my mind, but, we will get it done after mom moves in. I had a pounding headache most of the day yesterday, usually happens when I refuse to give myself some time to cry, when I'm fighting sadness, my nose ran like a tap all day too. Later in the evening, Chris and I were watching tv and my eyes were tearing up over the silliest things. Again, my body telling myself I need to give myself a good cry, but I am pushing forward and once mom gets settled in, I will give myself some time to contemplate and feel my feelings.
It's such a strange feeling, between gratitude and angst and dissappointment, and missing, and sadness. I'm so grateful for my new life, have accomplished so much, however, still wish Mike was here, miss him so much throughout my days. It's so weird still to me, that he isn't here in some fashion. Also have been missing so many others that have passed in my life. Dear friends that I'm missing, that would usually be here to help with the move, take me to lunch on mikes bday, anniversary, call to check on me. My life is now so quiet, besides Chris my new partner. I Realize I'm still in the throws of starting a brand new life, with Mike gone, then most of friends either passing or just disappearing from my life, it's like a war happened and 90 pct of my family and friends are gone. I still have a few long time friends that are in my life and I'm grateful, but still weird to be doing this basically on my own. Chris is awesome, brings so much fun and joy to my,life, however, he just has no clue how hard this starting over is on me. I miss having someone in my life that understands me completely, understands when I'm tired, or sore, or run down, and stops me and says, sit down, put your feet up, I'm taking over. Chris is too young to understand when I say I'm tired, I'm tired! Lol. It's good in a way, keeps me active and we always have a lot of fun, but, sometimes I still just want to lie in bed with a bunch of sad movies and ice cream, disappear from the world and cry and mourn still. That doesn't happen with Chris here. It's like adopting a little puppy, their so cute, so cuddly, so sweet and funny, but they don't know what it is to just lay down and relax for a day. Lol. Even though your sad, they still insist on you rubbing their tummy, scratching them behind the ears, playing tug o war with a rope and piddling on the floor. It's all part of the "puppy" experience. A puppy just doesn't understand when it's time to settle down and get some work done, if he finds a really awesome cardboard box to rip to shreds, he's still going to rip it up and make a huge mess and then leave it for you to clean up, cause that's what puppies do. Even though you just spent 3 hrs cleaning and vacuuming and so on. Lol. When I'm tired and laying down, Chris will want my attention, playing peek a boo, behind a wall, or trying to make me laugh, it's funny, and I do laugh, but I get tired and just want to chill. I don't know if I'm communicating this right, I guess I'm just emotionally wore out this week between mikes birthday and anniversary of passing, and the huge move, moving mom in with us and all these other changes. But, I think they are all positive occurrences, just trying to keep up with it. ..gotta get over to moms. Later
Comment by Steve on February 28, 2015 at 10:11pm
Hi everybody. Well, I dreamed crazy last night, one of those exhausting, terrifying, dark, scary dreams. It was all night. I took a Xanex to sleep, because I have been feeling the darkness creep in a bit over the past couple of days as I passed thru mikes birthday and grew closer to March 1st, the 6 th anniversary of mikes passing. I am once again contemplating going to see mikes grave. I haven't been there since March 1st, 2010. I woke up in quite a state this morning, the dreams had included Mike, and all the friends from my past life before Mike passed. But, I have a bunch to do tomorrow to get ready for mom moving in with Chris and I. I have hired a maid to come in tomorrow to help me get things cleaned up, while I go over to moms and get her packed up. Plan on getting everything ready tomorrow for the movers on Monday. Ricardo, the caregiver I have hired to help with mom going forward is going to meet me at moms tomorrow and help me get her packed up. Maybe if I get done early enough I can drive down to see mikes spot. It's quite far about 45 min from me now. Tried to reach mikes sister, mom, my uncles in Toronto, couldn't reach anyone to talk a bit this morning. I'm amazed that it's been 6 yrs and I now have started a new life with a new man. We have now lived together over a year and love each other more ea day, or at least most days. Lol. Our new apartment is quite lovely, and very homey. Chris has said and so have I, that we are very happy here and I hope mom loves it too. All the new furniture has arrived, we have decorated and turned our patio into quite the nice place to be with a new floor, patio furniture, water fountains, rose bushes, hanging planters, bamboo privacy curtains, it's just lovely and it feels really good, but also weird to be building a home with chris. We have met a few neighbors and they have been very friendly and nice. I love our new dining table, although Chris and I keep spatting over the placement of it. I was ALWAYS the decorator with Mike, he never had an opinion on anything, but with Chris I get an opinion, that I didn't expect, and I'm not used to in this area. Lol. I just wait till he leaves the room letting him think he won, then I move the table back where it belongs. Lol, then later I notice, that Chris has come along and moved it back into the wrong place! Lol.
I'm excited but really nervous about moving mom in. Chris keeps leaving my Xanex bottle out on the counter top, cause I think I'm driving him nuts, can't sit still, always fussing and remembering something else I needed to do. Heard from my best girlfriend Liz today, so sweet. Just knew I would be freaky today and she called to see if I had driven Chris out of the house yet today.
Well, better say goodnight, wish me luck tomorrow. Night
Comment by Steve on February 22, 2015 at 8:15pm
Hi Susie, and Julie, nice to hear from you and sorry to hear it's so difficult for you. Everyone's journey is different and I hope it gets easier for you soon. Just fyi Susie, I have sent several Private messages to you, hope you received them.
It has gotten easier for me, thank goodness, but it was very difficult journey. I have forced myself to get out and get involved in groups, charity work with cancer patients, regular weekly therapy, have read probably 100 books on death, dying, survival of a spouses passing, creating a life when your life is gone, and so on. Not that I had any idea if it would help or work, but at the time I felt like I would certainly pass soon if I didn't do something, and I at least wanted to go out trying, vs just giving up on me. Not even slightly suggesting that this would be good for anyone else, everyone's journey is different, but for me, I had to do this for myself. I personally chose not to use any anti depressants or anxiety drugs, or sleeping drugs through this period, not because I hold any judgements on them at all, just because I was being more of a martyr about it, feeling that if I was meant to go thru this horrible journey, even if it killed me, I would do it on my own without pharmacology. I wanted to feel every nuance of pain, depression, horror, lonliness, anger, resentment, and 100 other emotions I went thru. I also was very fortunate or unfortunate, I'm not sure, but I didnt have to work, didn't have any responsibilities but take care of my yellow lab Avery, and myself. So I could stay in bed for a year if I wanted, and I did. I actually stayed in my cave close to 3 yrs, just grieving, crying, reading, sobbing, yelling, screaming at God, and Mike and everyone in my cave. I went thru so many emotions and felt every bit of it. I somehow knew when I needed to have a great cry, and I would rent 5 really sad movies and watch and rewatch them to force myself to cry, when I was cried out. If I needed a break, I would go to the beach, or to the park with Avery, walk in the beauty, smell the air, enjoy the roses and feel the grass to remind myself there was still beauty in the world, waiting for me. Of course I had no idea, at any moment, I could have gotten suicidal or something and killed myself or something, I didn't know how I would react, but it was how I chose to deal with this explosion in my life. I felt very seriously that this was a sketchy journey, very difficult, and had no idea if my heart would pop in my chest or my brain vein would pop, but, I felt if that happened, so be it. I really didn't feel like that was within my control. The only thing I could control was my environment and my patients, my actions. This has worked for me. I still grieve, I still feel very lost at times, miss so much my partner and all the other people I have lost along the way, but, I also have some new wonderful people in my life. I have genuinely laughed again so hard that I couldn't breath and almost peed my pants, I have enjoyed such a new appreciation of the beauty around us, this is directly related to the darkness I have come out of, I feel. I went so deep into darkness, that I now feel joy so much more, see so much more beauty, or maybe I should say I notice more the beauty around us thT I never saw before. A rose will bring tears to my eyes, or the mountains in the distance with snow on them, a beautiful comment by my boyfriend, I kind word by a friend, it's just so much more deeply emotional for me. I'm grateful for my life, even more now, because of what I have been thru and the person it has made me become, and continue to become as I learn bit by bit, to let go more and more, allow more joy and more life in. Accept more, the changes that have come from know where in my life, having faith, in a way, that it's all for a purpose and everyone is getting some great pearl for this terrifically hard journey. Anyway, that's enough for tonite.
Comment by Susieg on February 22, 2015 at 3:32pm

Juls, it will be 6 years for me on 4/30.  I have been on antidepressents since before Mike died, and afterwards, they changed them to other ones over and over again.  This resulted in huge weight gain for me, altho inactivity has contributed to that also.  I am still on them, probably always will be.  It is still hard for me in many ways since Mike died.  It has been very hard for me.

Comment by Juls on February 22, 2015 at 3:23pm

Hi Everyone.. I was anitdepressents since 2009 and got off of them in August of 2014.  I have felt they were not helping.  I was still having flash backs of him that night when he passed.  He did pass suddenly in front of me.  I would hear songs and think back to all the memories we shared.  Doctor wanted to up my pills but I thought I have to get off of these someday. I think back to my Mon who also lost her husband at 54 and she didn't go on any thing and she survived. Although I really don't know what she was feeling back then. Well, my son just moved out and all of that is still coming through my mind.  He is also getting married in July of this year.  I am still having a very hard time and I don't understand because it will be 6 years this May.  When I think back of those 6 years I don't know where that time went or how I survived them. It dosent feel like 6 six years at all.  Anyway, just wondering if anybody else is still feeling the hurt or is it because I went off the anitdepressents? Thanks everyone. Julie

Comment by Steve on February 18, 2015 at 8:41am
Hi Shayne. Saw your post earlier, but was in moving transition and lost Internet for awhile. Holidays suck for a good while. Good for you that you had a glass of wine for both you and Tim. It's different for everyone, and nobody is wrong or anything like that. I, personally just completely tuned out for holidays. I isolated and stayed away from the outside world for holidays for about the first 3 yrs. I even stayed away from live tv, because the commercials even made me cry. Whenever a difficult day, or holiday approached, I would anticipate my going back into a cave for a few days, rent/ purchase movies, documentaries, self help tapes, books, and just stay in bed for the time I needed till the holiday/ anniversary/ birthday was over. It's what I had to do to get through.
This past thanksgiving/Xmas/New Years was the first season I fully participated in, since Mikes passing in March 09. When you are ready, you will start to peek out, start slow, and be patient with yourself and special days. There is no rush.
You are not alone, sadly every single friend/couple/anybody who loves someone will have to go thru this at a point in there life and it's tough. I lost my best friend from childhood in my early 30's from a terminal illness, and it was really tough too. We were inseparable and spoke daily, and shared everything with each other, it was a devestating loss. I still remember his birthday each year, Feb 23rd 1962 and special days to us. Mike my 1st partners birthday is Feb 20th, 1959 and he passed March 1st, 2009, his funeral was March 7th, so this is coming up on a tough time for me too. But, I am now able to face the days, stronger and keep going, I no longer have to isolate thru these days. But my heart is with them, and the memories flood my brain at times throughout the weeks prior, of many, many happy times, and special times we shared,.every day I have many, many qued memories of all the people I have loved and miss so much. As many have shared, and I too realize, I had to start over with my life when Mike passed. Lost house, cars, furniture friends, all gone, so had to start completely over. I'm still learning, grieving, but also, meeting new friends, have new wonderful partner, my life is probably 90pct different than it was in 2008 and prior. It was hard choice for me, I didn't want to give up my prior life. But for me, it was either accept things as they were and start over, or give up and die. I have learned so much about myself over the past 7 yrs, that I never knew or realized. Good and not so good. But I have learned to appreciate the good things about myself, and try to expand those attributes, and I try to help myself change the things about myself I wish were different. Anyway, wishing you peace and warmth and love. Take care
 

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