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Widowed in 2010

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Dianne in Nevada is your group greeter.

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Latest Activity: Jun 27

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Comment by Soaring Spirits on June 27, 2015 at 7:19pm

We've added new Forum discussions for you to post your special dates in. July, August & September are currently posted.  Please check out our Home Page for links:  HOME PAGE

Comment by going to make it on June 15, 2015 at 2:08am
Hi everyone. Hugs! On vacation with my 13yo & my folks. Not the vacations I thought I'd be having in life, but making the most of it. The past 4 summers I've taken my grandkids on vacation, but the oldest 2 are too busy this year, so I thought heck, I've wanted to take my folks (dad/step mom; my mom died 20 yrs ago) somewhere before they can't travel. Sadly ,I think this might be the first/lady I get to take them. I had to push my dad through the airports in a wheelchair cause he just couldn't walk the entire way. We're going to do our best to have a great time &make memories.
Hats to believe we're coming up on 5 years coming up on 8 since losing my 1st hunny)! It's a blur really. I just try to stay so busy I don't have time to think. Anyone else still do that?
Trying to read through some posts & wishing I could make things better for everyone. Sorry for the struggles & heartaches!
Hugs top each of you!

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 14, 2015 at 4:03pm

I'm sorry that Brave Girls Camp wasn't a good fit for you, Cynthia.  I do understand the potential for feeling like you don't fit in and that there are others who appear to already be connected. I must admit I've felt that way at every single art retreat I've attended (and I've attended a lot - not just BGC). But I guess I'm ok with that. I expect it. I've made some truly wonderful friendships at each retreat I've attended, but the best of them have come AFTER the retreat as we continued to interact with one another online.

Rather than bog down this group with specific art-related posts, I started a discussion we can use to discuss how creative outlets can help us heal.  Here's a link to it:

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on June 14, 2015 at 3:36pm

Dear Ceilya and Dianne - 

I keep asking some of the same questions - where has the past [almost] 5 years gone?  So much has happened in that time, but somehow it feels like it was yesterday, and sometimes it feels like it's been forever. In the past 4 ½+ years after Don left us, his dad died, my dad died, my mom now has more severe Alzheimer's; I've had 4 dogs and for one reason or another had to re-home them; my second daughter got married, had a baby and is pregnant again; my first daughter's husband is emotionally abusive - and I don't know how bad it really is - told her he'd leave if she had contact with me, and I can't believe she didn't throw him out then - even tho she still emails me and calls occasionally - and she was pregnant when Don died, so at least he knew we were having a second grandson; my oldest brother stopped talking to me because his wife is nuts and, well, it's a long story; I moved from L.A. to Flagstaff two years ago... it's all just so very much, but I miss him like it was yesterday.  

And I'm so lonely.  I have friends, I keep busy, but at the end of the day, like both of you, there's still no one here to hold me, help me make decisions and tell me it will be okay.  I think that's the worst of it - I'm just so damn lonely.  My family is spread out all over - California, Texas, Indiana - and the worst thing of that is my brother who won't talk to me lives just two hours a way, and of course when I need him the most, he's just really not there... if that makes sense.

I got back from Brave Girls Camp yesterday, and I'm drained and exhausted.  It was interesting.  I would like to say it was amazing, and wonderful, but then again, I was in a setting where I felt I just didn't fit in.And even after I shared that in "sharing time, " I still felt it - up until the last day.  I was never one of the "cool kids," and with this group of women, while they were all very nice, there was a bit of that feeling they were the prom queens and homecoming queens and the cheerleaders, and dated the football players.  I saw a lot of the connections they made with each other, but somehow, I was on the edge of everything - which was the story of my life.  I didn't fit in in high school, so I found a group that I did fit in with - the rebels and the pot smokers and the kids who simply didn't go to school a lot.  (It's amazing that I graduated at all, let alone with a C average...)  We have a group Facebook page, and I will check in with them, but there was only one woman I really connected with - she's been widowed twice, and fortunately I had my Soaring Spirits cards with me so I told her all about SSLF, and Camp Widow and she was very, very interested.  I hope she follows through. She was so nice, and I will keep in touch with her for sure. But even tho we all went very deep in our sharing circle, that seemed to vanish as soon as we were doing art or having a meal, or whatever.  I'm still glad I went, but I was thinking, 'I gave up Camp Widow for this?'  Dianne, I know you loved it; I guess it wasn't as great for me, even though I really thought I had not expectations, maybe I did.

I'm sorry to ramble on about all that; But ceilya, I want you to know I get it.  I get what you're saying. And that's why I still go to therapy, and I do my art which has been incredibly therapeutic and healing for me.  And THAT was what I didn't expect when I started art journaling - that it would be so therapeutic.  If you want to know more about that, I'm glad to share with you in a personal message - unless it's okay to put it here - Dianne, would that be okay? YOU are the people I feel closest to - all of the people here.  And the reason we're here, well it sucks, but this seems to be my "group" where I fit in.  Sad, huh?

Comment by ceilya on June 14, 2015 at 1:06pm

Hi Dianne, you have encouraged me from the beginning.  I try to keep so busy that I too am amazed it is almost 5 years.  Five did I exist??  I am still numb and cannot feel.  I agree with you on dating.  I have been asked out a few times but I cannot take another close loss in my life. I think financial it would help but I have never asked for help before I don't think I will start now.   I sometimes wonder how the brain stays in tact with the pain we feel.  No wonder people have nervous breakdowns or just go into deep depression.  When I feel really defeated I come on here with hopes there will always be someone to reach out too.  And I have been very fortunate because you and Goingon usually respond, which although I am surrounded by my family and friends, this is the place I come to for understanding.  I am thinking of selling my little run down home and moving along with my life.  I don't know where but I need to go.  Maybe just planning it will put life in perspective.  I never wanted to move from here but like you things are falling apart.  I cannot keep it up.  Jim and my brother Vito did everything and now it is me.  A million thoughts go through my mind daily.  Some of the same as when I lost Jim and some a little different with losing Vito.  Move, stay, find another job at my old age, keep the one I have, sell everything and travel, cry.  I know I have to make a change but I have no idea of where to.  I could go back to NY but all my friends and family have their families and mine would all be here in CA.  I don't want to be a burden either so do I just stay put and go through the motions of life.  Just like you everyone thinks I have it all together and I am doing so well.  Maybe I do but I just don't feel it.  I just know when I felt like I could function without thinking of Jim every minute of the day I lose the second most important man in my life my brother.  So just as confused now as I was 5 years ago when I checked in here.  I will figure it out but the reason I will is because I have this site to come and bounce it off of all of you.  Thanks so much Dianne for being here for me.  Five years where did  it go.....

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on June 12, 2015 at 4:12pm

Ceilya, I am so very sorry to hear your heartbreaking news. Such a wonderful blessing your brother was to you. I hope you can wrap yourself up in special memories to make it through these hard days. And when you can't do that, please come here and talk to us.

I worry about having to deal with more death and feel like you ... I just don't have it in me. That's one of the reasons I choose to not date. I know I cannot do the heavy caregiving and grief again.

Everyone thinks I'm doing just fine – because that’s all I let them see. I’m living my life to honor my husband. I’m doing new things, taking trips … but coming up on this 5 year anniversary date (in September) has me in a bit of a funk.

I guess my feelings are probably also connected to aging; I turned 64 last month. And it seems everywhere I turn I see people referring to the elderly as those in their 60s.  What?  That's not me!  Or maybe it is. There are certainly days I feel it.

And I retired in March … and while I did a lot of traveling and ‘fun’ things in those first two months, I’m now home … alone … no job to go to … in a house that needs a lot of work … with many of my husband’s things still here … and it’s a bit overwhelming.

How can it possibly be 5 years?  I just can’t seem to wrap my head around that.

Comment by ceilya on May 30, 2015 at 12:08am

Goingon you are never far away.  I can always count on you to check in here to share your ups and downs as life moves along daily.  You have had so many losses in so many different ways and in such a short time.  But sharing from your heart encourages me to carry on.

Hornet (Cindy) thank you for taking the time to share your story.  I liked how you characterized how "life's circumstances" welded you together.  My brother and I were in an orphanage when we were very young and that is exactly how I felt "life's circumstances" welded our hearts together and we could never be separated.  And then you reminded me that even through he is gone he is still here just as Jim is.  Watching, guiding, smiling, cheering me on daily so I don't give up.  Thank you for reminding me there are Angels.  I have several but for sure my husband and brother are holding me up.  Celia

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on May 21, 2015 at 10:54am

Ceilya -

I'm so sorry for your loss.  One on top of another - the two men maybe you loved more than anything - I wish there was a way I could help ease this pain, but I don't think there is.  We are all too familiar with grief, and yelling at a security guard... well, if that's the worst you did oh well.  I'd be yelling and doing a lot more probably.  After my Don died, I lost his dad two weeks later, the dog got sick and I lost him; my dad got sick and died, my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's; we were very close and although she's still alive, it's like watching a very slow death; I can't talk to her the way I use to.  She usually remembers me, but the last time I saw her with one of my brothers - we both stayed about a week - she got confused and didn't know us.  That was the first time that happened, and my heart is slowly breaking all over again.  My daughter is in an abusive relationship and her husband doesn't want her seeing me, and he won't let me see my grandsons.  My daughter is too afraid of him to stand up to him.  So I feel like I've lost her, too, and my "boys."  I'm sorry; I didn't mean to pour this out.  

You are not alone.  We are all here for you.  I'm glad you were able to come here and tell us what is happening.  And again, I'm so very sorry you have to go through this terrible loss.  I'm sending you hugs and holding you in my thoughts. 

Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on May 21, 2015 at 12:59am

ceilya, I, too, lost my brother and husband...but it was in that order. Brother first, husband later. I had the benefit of more than 10 years between them as well.

I loved my brother very, very much. We lived through horrific times together, he and I and our other siblings. It welded us together in a unique way. There was no other relationship in my life like the one I had with him. He died at 42. So wrong. Even to this day I feel stunned that he is gone.

God has been merciful to me so far after losing my Rick about 20 months ago in that I have not had to endure another loss since then. But again...I am stunned.

And I am left with this ominous feeling that I will outlive many of the ones I love. I say 'ominous' because I often feel as you do...that I don't have it in me to deal with death anymore. But deep down, and sadly, I believe I really do. I think I will be the one 'to bring up the rear', if you know what I mean.

Having said that...this is how my brain has painted the picture that will help me walk through these days minus the precious souls I have been blessed to know and love: I WILL see them again. They ARE with me now...each one. They watch me, they love me, they comfort and protect me. It just so happens that it is not in the way I want.

I just hope I am making them proud. I hope that I, too, will be missed as I miss them. And I say that with a feeling of guilt...I don't want to cause anyone this kind of pain. But it is inevitable, I suppose. To be loved and to love is synonymous with pain.

Maybe the best I can do is to provide something of an example of dealing with their losses with dignity. Making sure that all who are around me KNOW how much I love them. To give up 'self' and serve others.

It sounds like your brother certainly stepped up and served. What a blessing he must have been in your life. And in that way of thinking, what a gift. Also, what a wonderful sister you must have been for him to love you so.

I wish you peace, ceilya.

Comment by ceilya on May 20, 2015 at 11:43pm

Well here I am again which usually means I have a mountain to climb.  I wish I could check in here and say my life is perfect now and I am moving on but not today.  When Jim passed it was so difficult in so many areas of my life but one in particular was work.  He was my business partner and loved and took so much pride in our little family business.  When he passed my brother stepped right in and never missing a beat worked feverishly to fill Jim's shoes in our business.  Two weeks ago my brother passed away.  He and I were only a year apart.  When we were little kids everyone thought we were twins.  When we were teenagers he dated my girlfriends and I dated his boyfriends.  We were never away from each other.  He introduced me to Jim as well as advised me to not marry him because he was a musician at the time.  He always had my back.  

I don't have it in me to grieve again.  I haven't finished Jim yet.  How do I do it??  Today I yelled at a security guard and then pulled over and cried.  Even though he is a jerk I went back to apologize and cried again.  

Pain on pain.  Does it stop.  My brother thought he had the flu and 2 1/2 weeks later he is gone from cancer.  I still cannot make sense of Jim's passing and my brain can't adjust to this loss.  My heart has no more pieces to give.

Thank you for being here.  I know none of us want to be but where would I be able to go and trust my very tender feelings if you weren't here.  C


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