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Widowed in 2010

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Dianne in Nevada is your group greeter.

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Latest Activity: 5 hours ago

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Comment by Dianne in Nevada 5 hours ago

Well, no surprise ... I survived that 5 year milestone.  I still find it a little hard to say "5 years" when someone asks, because it's always very obvious what they're thinking. But I guess I was them in my past life, too. A "don't get it" ... until we do.  I'm going to get back in the habit of posting things regularly in the "positive" forum here in WV, for me and for those who need a little boost.

Comment by Paula on September 18, 2015 at 8:07pm

Diane, I know you and you know me, 5 years. What the heck? I have done so much. Classes, attempting a new career, selling my home and getting a new one and yes dating and love. Real love. Still not sure of the future. I found out that the crystal ball that both me and my husband used to look at did not work and I do not have a new one. But, what I went thru, it changed me forever so here I am. I still go to Camp Widow when I can and I appreciate those who are at the same time frame I am. 

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on September 18, 2015 at 7:30pm

Dianne, you said so well what I feel.  I feel so much the way you do; it will be 5 years on Nov. 12 and in so many ways this year has been like being back in year 1 after then numbness wore off.  It still sucks; I will never stop missing Don; never get used to the empty bed; the empty house.  I volunteer, I try to stay active, i do what I can... my daughters and grandsons are in different states; my family all spread out.  When Don was ill and when he died, my whole family, and what was left of his - his dad and my brother in law - were all there of me and our girls.  Now the one brother who was always there for me my whole life, who helped both Don and me get through  all they years of illness and cancer, and the final prognosis lives just 2 hours away but has elected to not have me in his life for his own reasons... (as stupid as they may be... ).  I have made some good friends where I live now, but it seems to get harder to make good friends as you get older.  I'm glad to have a few; some are widows; some or not... I wish I could say I've been able to mix with women who were so open and giving and wonderful, but unfortunately, like Janine's last widow blog, I seem to be sitting on the outside looking in when it comes to groups.  Even my Soaring Spirits local chapter that I tried to start never "soared..."  but I'd like to try again, if that's possible.  I"ll contact you privately about it. 

So in the meantime, the past year I've finally been able to really get back into my art in a major way, and I'm so grateful to have that outlet.  It's been very therapeutic.  My daughter is having her second baby in about 3 -4 weeks, and I've been traveling a lot, too, but back and forth to visit her and my mom, who's Alzheimer's seems to have taken a nosedive in-between  my visits and she's declined so much faster than I expected.  

I know it's no easier for you and the other wonderful people who created Soaring Spirits and keep it going.  I know you know, but I want you to know again, I - we - get it.  And YOU are not alone, either.  You Soaring Spirits family is here for you! 

I seem to be trying to just take it slowly; I'm a worrier by nature, and because my health is not so great lately I worry what will happen when I can't take care of myself.  My doctors ask me if I have family; but I won't burden my children by becoming depending on them.  I may have to consider a move to Texas to be near my youngest daughter; at least her husband and I like each other; the other one?  Long story... not my daughter; her husband.  

Thank you for posting.  I don't know how this will sound, but somehow, when someone I for one really respects and looks up to and admires (i.e., YOU!) is going through the same thing, it somehow helps.  Thank you for posting. 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on September 18, 2015 at 2:50pm

Hi everyone. The nearly back-to-back Camp Widows in San Diego and Toronto kept me so busy I didn't have time to pop in here ... but now as I'm in the midst of the final days countdown to the 5 year anniversary, I need this group who is in the same time frame as me. It doesn't seem possible that it will be 5 years next Tuesday since I last held my Vern - and yet sometimes it feels even longer. I've gotten both kinds of reactions to that ... some are amazed it's been that long, some appear to assume I'm "all better now" because of the length of time and the things the "public" Dianne is doing.

But I miss him. And I know I always will. Don't plan to date or re-marry, so this is what it is. My mom was widowed for 14 years before she died; my MIL for over 30 years. I wish I had talked to them about this, as they both appeared to do rather well alone (LOL - see, I did to them what others are doing to me). I recently retired, I do A LOT of volunteering for Soaring Spirits, I'm traveling, I co-lead a regional group, I'm taking classes, doing art, preparing some widow-related classes for Brave Girl University, living my life to honor him. And I'm often happy. But it's a different happy than it would have been if Vern was still here with me. And sometimes I just need that to be acknowledged instead of people thinking all of that activity means I'm 'over it'.

My local regional group has been a life-saver. My siblings are all back east and really weren't there for me during my husband's illness or since - and our couple friends have all disappeared. Since retiring, those co-worker friends are disappearing, too. Luckily, I've developed some really strong friendships with my co-leaders and group members. Here's where you'll find a list of the current group locations to see if there's one near you: GROUPS  and we do keep adding groups as people step up to lead them.

I remember saying to a friend here in Widville back in 2011 when we first joined that if I was still hanging around here at 5 years she needed to smack me upside the head. Well ... I'm still here and still very grateful that this site exists. And I understand now the value of having those of us who have weathered this widowed life awhile to be here to show the new widows that they actually will survive this. Some days are still hard, some tears can still flow, but we are living and sharing and holding out our hands to those who come after us.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on September 15, 2015 at 10:51am

Going to make it - I'm sure they would be proud of you.  When we got the prognosis that Don only had several days to a few weeks to live, and got home from that appointment, he said, "I'm not worried about you because I know you're a strong woman."  On one hand, I was glad he saw me that way; on the other hand, I didn't want to be strong then. But I held it up for him until he died, and then I was able to let all the long months of stress, pain and loss out.  And I try to look at the positives in my life; but it is hard.  I, too moved to another location, but not because I thought it would ease my grief at all.  Don and I had thought about this place as a possible place to move to when we retired for one thing.  I love where I live now; it's up in the mountains, in the middle of a forrest an I live on a lake; I've always wanted to live somewhere like this, and now I do.  I have one daughter in California, and one in Texas.  They both have children, and my greatest joy is when I see them.  I keep wondering what my purpose is now, and after visiting my grand babies, I think that's it. I want to be here for my grandsons (maybe we'll have a girl if my daughter in Texas has a 3rd!), and I want them to know me.  At some point, I think I may move to Texas to be closer to them, when I get to a point where I'm no longer able to live independently and want a retirement community. But for now, I just can't even imagine moving again.  I think I'd be less lonely if I were near my family, but I also don't want to be a burden on my children when I get old. Then there are times I get really worried about my ability to care for myself someday, and I find I need reassurance that my daughter will be willing to take on handling my affairs, etc. if it comes to that.  I think most of my fear is having been seeing my mom go through Alzheimer's, and how my brother has been so great in making sure her care is excellent.  So I think we all are dealing the best way we can, at 5 years out.  I have to add, when someone hears I'm a widow, and they ask me when he died, and I say it will be 5 years in November, they are still sympathetic, and some say, "Oh, I'm sorry... it's not very long..."  or something like that, but I appreciate that they can appreciate how deep and raw this wound still is.  

Comment by going to make it on September 14, 2015 at 10:55pm
I feel sure my husband's would both be very proud of how I'm doing.I do get lonely, but I stay busy with teaching,raising my girl the way her dad would like, and seeing my gbabies when I can. They live so far away though.
Comment by Marine28 on September 14, 2015 at 9:17pm

Thanks, Babsy!  I am falling into that mode of thinking!   I realize I may be alone for a long, long time.  I have two nephews whom I try to stay in contact with.  They are in their late teens right now. and in college.    My hope is that when they are married and have families of their own that they will at least see that I have a place to go on holidays and will put me in a nice nursing home when I am old.  HA HA HA.     Things could be worse. I have a lot to be thankful for and am very grateful for that.   Thanks for your note. 

Comment by Babsy on September 14, 2015 at 9:10pm
I am five years on Nov 1. So much has happened. I've moved, sh aged jobs twice, have three grandbabies.... So much to tell John about ... But can't.

I went to a wedding this weekend. The looks of pity from couples on the dance floor was unbearable. Too many meals alone. I'm scared to get old alone. I want to hold hands in our rockers on the front porch. But, I realize that I probably will be alone for a long time. So, I continue to find positives. I am so much stronger than I was five years ago. My kids have come to be thankful that they didn't lose both parents and value me more. I never thought I could do this for five years. And I am! Celebrating the victories that are coming more often. Yes, I am lonely. Yes, I wish things were different. And yes, I still cry once in a while.but if I did five years, I can do six. A step at a time. And if I can do it, so can you because I am the biggest wimp on earth!
Comment by Marine28 on September 14, 2015 at 9:09pm

Thanks "goingon" and "going to make it"!

I have been lonely, too.  Very hard to meet people, both "just friends" and people to "date".   I am tired of being lonely.    I even relocated last year to another part of the US.  My therapist cautioned me in thinking I could find a "geographic cure" and I think she is partially right.  Not sure what the answer is.   I have no children and my family lives over 1000 miles away, so "lonely" seems to be the way of life.  That said, I am very lucky to have the life I have.  My husband would be very very proud of how well I have carried on.    Just still trying to find my way.   

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on September 14, 2015 at 8:44pm

Marine28 and Going to Make it..

Yes!  Nov. 12 will be 5 years, and I have the same feeling.  Sometimes it feels like it just happened, and sometimes I wonder how I've lived this long without him.  So many things have happened that we always thought we'd share - our second daughter got married; our first one had a second baby; our second one had her first baby and is expecting her second in 4 weeks.  I saw an elderly couple walking around the lake today, holding hands.  I like seeing those things, but at the same time, I can't help thinking, "That was supposed to be us..."  I keep busy, but I'm so damned lonely. I can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. And no matter how busy I am, at the end of the day, it's still just me.  Guess I've been a bit depressed lately... 


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