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Widowed in 2010

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Members: 273
Latest Activity: May 21

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Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on May 21, 2015 at 10:54am

Ceilya -

I'm so sorry for your loss.  One on top of another - the two men maybe you loved more than anything - I wish there was a way I could help ease this pain, but I don't think there is.  We are all too familiar with grief, and yelling at a security guard... well, if that's the worst you did oh well.  I'd be yelling and doing a lot more probably.  After my Don died, I lost his dad two weeks later, the dog got sick and I lost him; my dad got sick and died, my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's; we were very close and although she's still alive, it's like watching a very slow death; I can't talk to her the way I use to.  She usually remembers me, but the last time I saw her with one of my brothers - we both stayed about a week - she got confused and didn't know us.  That was the first time that happened, and my heart is slowly breaking all over again.  My daughter is in an abusive relationship and her husband doesn't want her seeing me, and he won't let me see my grandsons.  My daughter is too afraid of him to stand up to him.  So I feel like I've lost her, too, and my "boys."  I'm sorry; I didn't mean to pour this out.  

You are not alone.  We are all here for you.  I'm glad you were able to come here and tell us what is happening.  And again, I'm so very sorry you have to go through this terrible loss.  I'm sending you hugs and holding you in my thoughts. 

Comment by Hornet (Cindy) on May 21, 2015 at 12:59am

ceilya, I, too, lost my brother and husband...but it was in that order. Brother first, husband later. I had the benefit of more than 10 years between them as well.

I loved my brother very, very much. We lived through horrific times together, he and I and our other siblings. It welded us together in a unique way. There was no other relationship in my life like the one I had with him. He died at 42. So wrong. Even to this day I feel stunned that he is gone.

God has been merciful to me so far after losing my Rick about 20 months ago in that I have not had to endure another loss since then. But again...I am stunned.

And I am left with this ominous feeling that I will outlive many of the ones I love. I say 'ominous' because I often feel as you do...that I don't have it in me to deal with death anymore. But deep down, and sadly, I believe I really do. I think I will be the one 'to bring up the rear', if you know what I mean.

Having said that...this is how my brain has painted the picture that will help me walk through these days minus the precious souls I have been blessed to know and love: I WILL see them again. They ARE with me now...each one. They watch me, they love me, they comfort and protect me. It just so happens that it is not in the way I want.

I just hope I am making them proud. I hope that I, too, will be missed as I miss them. And I say that with a feeling of guilt...I don't want to cause anyone this kind of pain. But it is inevitable, I suppose. To be loved and to love is synonymous with pain.

Maybe the best I can do is to provide something of an example of dealing with their losses with dignity. Making sure that all who are around me KNOW how much I love them. To give up 'self' and serve others.

It sounds like your brother certainly stepped up and served. What a blessing he must have been in your life. And in that way of thinking, what a gift. Also, what a wonderful sister you must have been for him to love you so.

I wish you peace, ceilya.

Comment by ceilya on May 20, 2015 at 11:43pm

Well here I am again which usually means I have a mountain to climb.  I wish I could check in here and say my life is perfect now and I am moving on but not today.  When Jim passed it was so difficult in so many areas of my life but one in particular was work.  He was my business partner and loved and took so much pride in our little family business.  When he passed my brother stepped right in and never missing a beat worked feverishly to fill Jim's shoes in our business.  Two weeks ago my brother passed away.  He and I were only a year apart.  When we were little kids everyone thought we were twins.  When we were teenagers he dated my girlfriends and I dated his boyfriends.  We were never away from each other.  He introduced me to Jim as well as advised me to not marry him because he was a musician at the time.  He always had my back.  

I don't have it in me to grieve again.  I haven't finished Jim yet.  How do I do it??  Today I yelled at a security guard and then pulled over and cried.  Even though he is a jerk I went back to apologize and cried again.  

Pain on pain.  Does it stop.  My brother thought he had the flu and 2 1/2 weeks later he is gone from cancer.  I still cannot make sense of Jim's passing and my brain can't adjust to this loss.  My heart has no more pieces to give.

Thank you for being here.  I know none of us want to be but where would I be able to go and trust my very tender feelings if you weren't here.  C

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on May 12, 2015 at 10:27pm

Hi, Bonnie.  I'm glad you found us but sorry that you need us.  This is a club no one wants to join.  I lost my husband in Nov. 2010 to rectal cancer.  I know what you mean - I'm sure a lot of us here do!  We get what non-widows/widowers don't get.  And there are no "should's or shouldn't's" at least in my opinion. As you probably know by now, this is a journey that is different for each of us.  We all have to take it one step at a time and at our own pace.  I can't say that it should be better; I can say, for me, because I can only speak for me, that in some ways yes, after 4 ½ years, it's maybe not easier, but different.  I still get teary at times and I cry and miss him like all get out, and I want him back - but that isn't going to happen.  The other day, my therapist asked me to tell him what it is like to be a widow.  It was good to be able to talk about that to someone who I felt really did care, and somewhat hard to try to explain.  The aching hole in my heart that will never ever go away; the loneliness; the lack of hugs, touch, his shoulder to lean on and cry on and having my love to hold me and support me and the private jokes we shared that no one else will ever understand... well, I guess that list can go on and on.  All I can really say is my children were grown when he died, and in a way, that is a blessing for me, because I don't and didn't have to cope with raising them alone.  I truly feel for those of you who still have to get through that, and I honestly don't know if I could have.  I often see my life as many many steps forwards, but just as many if not more, back!  I'm trying to cope with being alone, still.  I moved away from where we lived 2 years ago; I sold my house, there was no reason for me to stay where we lived together for over 30 years, and I set out to find something else.  And I don't think I'd be any less lonely if I had stayed.  It's interesting how when you become a widow friendships change.  Couples we did things with seemed to have chosen to not include the "widow" in their activities.  That was hard.  I had a best friend who is twice divorced and she never pretended to "get it" when I lost Don, but she was there for me.  And she still is.  Well, I didn't mean to ramble on... again, I'm glad you found us - this site can really help - and I'm so sorry for your loss. 

Comment by Bonnie3 on May 12, 2015 at 9:46pm

Hello everyone, I just recently joined with WV. I lost my husband in Oct of 2010 to cancer. I decided to search out a site such as this because I have found that in the years after my husband died, my friends, and family have greater expectations that I should be "further along" in my recovery. Support systems are very strong right after the loss, but 41/2 years later? should be better, and I am, but I miss him! I still have 2 kids to raise and have no peers that have experienced this and no one I can relate to. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, most days, but I make it through each day. Most of those days are very normal, but I see my life as an exercise of 3 steps forward, 1 step back. More good days than bad now, but still some bad.

I'm glad I can actually feel this way here and feel understood.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on April 1, 2015 at 1:09pm

So I'm talking a lot....

I found a few groups on Facebook for art journaling; I've never done it before; you don't have to be an artist, but I've found it very healing.  One group gives you a weekly challenge and prompt, and most of the time what I think I'm going to do comes out totally different, and my unconscious just goes to work and I get a lot of good insights.  

But today I work up just feeling depressed.  Lonely.  I think that's the hardest part.  My health has been poor lately - just arthritis, fatigue, my fiber which I still feel may be psychosomatic but my shrink keeps reminding me it's not.  I think I feel guilty complaining about my aches and pains; but some of them are pretty intense at times.  And the medical care up here in Flagstaff is lacking.  But I"m also spoiled because my dad was a doctor and I always had good doctors, but then, we (Don and me and our girls) lived just outside of L.A. and always had good ones.  I actually go to Phoenix now to see a rhumatologist.  And I have a lot of fear about what will happen to me when I can't take care of myself.  I won't be a burden on my kids; I'll never live with them.  I don't want to be in "facility" because it's so depressing, and I don't want people I don't know caring for me.  And if I keep my faculties, and don't lose my mind, well, maybe a senior living community will at some point be a good move for me, but I just bought this condo, and I love living here, it's just that I get so lonely.  Yes, I have a few friends; some are widows, some are not; and there are things I could partake of - the senior center in town has a lot going on, and I keep telling myself I'm going to go there and get involved, so maybe today... and then there's a part of me that just wants to come home and work on my art.  It's like when I was a therapist; it's isolating. Even being a teacher was somewhat isolating because when you're in the room teaching, you're not with other adults!  Only before school at lunch and at after school faculty  meetings.  But that seems like another lifetime.  

Well, I didn't help anyone by telling you how I keep going on; it seems i just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep moving.  i even bought a bicycle... it's fun, and there's a part of me that just want's to let myself go and die, and a part of me that wants to be able to say, "Yes I exercise" when the doctor asks me.  Thanks for letting me vent; thanks for being here, even tho the reason sucks.  And I miss Don just as much now as I did when he died.  He just seems farther away somehow. 

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on April 1, 2015 at 12:56pm

Cathy, I logged on the vent pretty much the same thing you said.  I've been going along, the hurt never stops, but I've been pretty much trying to live my life and then one day - today - I wake up, somehow get out of bed (and I had a lousy night last night) and suddenly the depression just jumps to the front of everything and I'm sitting here trying not to be all weepy.  I have therapy today, and I know I'll cry there - I usually do - and it's like I want a head start or something.  I know that doesn't make sense.  After  Don died, I stayed in the house, planning on staying as long as I could, or wanted; the mortgage was almost paid off.  Then my mom needed help because she has Alzheimer's and after my dad died, she was living with my brother and his crazy wife and all she wanted was to come back home, so I told her I'd move in with her and help her.  But that meant moving into her house because it was important that she be in her own home - of course it was.  My brother and his wife whisked her out of there so fast after my dad died, she hardly had time to know what was happening!  They really fought her coming back to L.A.  Then they were all mad at me, and no one would talk to me about why; they just treated me like an incompetent 12 year old; to the point I just couldn't live like that anymore - at age 60 after all.  So Mom and I found her a great assisted living place she liked, and I went on a trip I'd planned for a year, and one of my brother's came to stay with her while I was gone.  Well, turned out while I was gone, they all came and convinced her to go back to Arizona (which she did not like at all) and they had her in a terrible situation.  The plan was she would stay in CA, about 5 minutes from my house, and I'd be able to see her daily, take her out, etc., and my oldest daughter was close enough to visit with her two children often, too.  But Mom was in Arizona.  I had to find another place to live as her house was unaffordable for me to rent to keep up, and I had rented my house.  Since Mom was in Phoenix, I moved to Flagstaff, a 2 hour drive.  But then, Mom was so miserable, she kept calling my brother in Northern CA and he finally moved her there near him, which is great, because he's really great with her, and he sees her daily, but now I'm no longer 2 hours away, and have to fly, and can only see her every few months... so that's one part of my vent, and maybe that's what's really bothering me?  I didn't think I'd talk about this.  And I had made my mom and dad a quilt several years ago; it was king sized to fit their bed, and now I can't find it anywhere.  Mom doesn't seem to have it and I don't have it.  And for some reason I'm fixated on it, and I'm also fixated on asking my brothers why they were so mad at me and no one thought to even talk to me about what was going on.  And I know they'll just say "It does't matter now; let it go..."  My oldest brother with whom I was always closest, and we were very tight, has removed himself from my life because I can't have a relationship with his wife so he can't have one with me.  Oy.  And I could have one with her except she's nuts and I just can't trust her; she'll be all nice and everything and then suddenly she thinks I looked at her funny and she'd "done" with me... family.  

So I just keep getting up each day, doing what I need to do (sometimes - I still have trouble getting myself to the supermarket; I think its because Don and I always marketed together on Saturdays; it was one more way to spend time together and he liked to go...

Comment by Cathy on March 22, 2015 at 10:25am

Hi all, passing the 5 yr mark was brutal for me, like you all, I couldn't believe I am still here, still grieving, still trying to figure out how to move on and live. It all came back to the surface when a friend died while I was on a sailing vacation out of the US; dealing with incompetent police, hospital, morgue, funeral home, etc has hit me hard. Loss on top of loss over the one told me about this part of the so called  golden years. I have tried really hard to simplify my life, but it just makes no difference anymore, I'm back in the pit and just don't care about it all. How do you all keep picking yourself up again and go on?  Everyone thinks I am doing so well when I'm not, I feel back in the early days of grief again. Downsizing to a condo last summer, marriage of my daughter...I'm just not living the life I planned, and so miss my husband every second of every day. I know you all understand it all

Comment by feelinglonely on March 20, 2015 at 1:47pm
I think it would be great to have someone to go to dinner with or just a movie---my problem is I compare every man I see to my husband and none of them come even close. Was with my husband since the year I graduated high school, married for 41 years when he passed. My friends who got married around the same time as us have all passed me by--they are married 45, 46 years--it is hard not to be a little jealous. This May would have been our 46th.

As far as my rings go, I will continue to wear them until I think of something creative to do with them. I also have our original white gold bands and would like to do something with them also. One of these days!!!!

Believe it or not it is snowing here again so I will be stuck in for the rest of the day. Was out early this morning to do errands, etc. Have a nice weekend everyone!!!
Comment by ceilya on March 19, 2015 at 11:37pm

I have a long story about my wedding ring but I won't bore you with it today but maybe one day I will just feel like writing and the story will resurface.  I too wear my wedding ring.  Jim used to love to buy me jewelry and rings with different stones but I just loved wearing my little diamond.  When he passed I started wearing all the other rings but there was a comfort when I wore my little diamond ring.  It reminded me of how much of a sacrifice he made to buy it.  I do switch off from the white gold to the yellow gold but I still wear mine to.  

Hal I too talk to Jim a lot.  We too moved into a senior community.  Jim loved it and everyone knew him.  As for me I worked way late into the evening so if it wasn't for Jim's wedding ring most of the single seniors thought he was single.  It became a little bit of a joke between us.  Now I still work and so I don't really have time for all the activities but I love walking the dog and saying hello to people walking or sitting out.  Also I think just knowing if I want to join a group or go to an event it is available.  I have been asked out often but it is just not the right time for me.  You are a very wise man and I enjoy reading your posts when I have time or make time to check in here.  My fear is one day I will come on and you will all have moved on with your lives and will not be here.  But like feelinglonely's priest told her "don't worry about the future" so for today I will put that thought away.  

In the meantime thank you all for checking in and one day we will be happy again. Right????   


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