Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2010

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Members: 265
Latest Activity: Jul 15

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Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on July 1, 2014 at 4:14pm

So here I am, after reading the positive responses below, and being happy for those of you who are moving on and finding a new life. My daughter and my 7 month old grandson were here for a week and they went back to Texas today; I miss them already. I wasn't able to help her with the baby as much as I would have liked because I'm still recovering from my back surgery, and the doctor gave me permission to carry him - he's about 15 lbs and dang, that's heavy when your muscles are so weak! Now I'm just sore and tired and depressed.
I have this one nagging question I can answer: How do you go on? How do you go on day after day when there is no daily meaning or purpose in your life? That's how I feel. I'm so limited right now physically, and it's going to be a much longer recovery from the back surgery than I thought. I have a reservation to fly to California Sunday to visit my mom and then on to Camp Widow on Thursday from there, and the truth is, I really feel like cancelling my trip. My entire body hurts - my arthritis and fibromyalgia have not been treated and even tho it's the surgical pain that wakes me each morning, the nagging little pains (is there such a thing as a little pain?) don't help. My joints hurt - my feet, my hands, my knee and elbow... it's always something. And my daughter is so worried now that she'll get sick when she gets older - my brother and I have the same type of arthritis, but his has progressed to RA; my mom has it, too. Don had Crohn's Disease for 30 years before he had cancer; it's genetic and his brother has it, too, and his mom had colitis. My brother developed colitis in his 50's which is really unusual; my dad had irritable bowel syndrome. So I tell my daughter that not necessarily; she takes care of herself; she eats well, she exercises and mostly she has someone in her life she loves and who loves and adores her - so she has a positive attitude which helps. But it's so hard when she asks me these questions. I feel guilty for being sick, even though I know it's not my fault. But these invisible diseases are worse somehow. It's easy to think they're all in my head. So I keep looking for a reason to be here, and people keep telling me I have a purpose or I wouldn't be here... but I'm getting tried of waiting to find it. How do you do it? How do you go on each day? Thank you all for still being here.

Comment by going to make it on June 16, 2014 at 9:05pm
Hugs Hal! Glad you're getting settled in & making friends!
Comment by Corlene on June 16, 2014 at 12:26pm

Hal,  I believe the writer captured widowhood beautifully.  I have talked to people who say they feel their dead spouse or have been visited by them.  I have not.  My daughter said this is as it should be.  If he were still here, he wouldn't be where he should be.  Well, okay then but what I would give to "know" Jack is okay. 

On another note, Portland has a very large Trauma Intervention Program.  If you would like to consider a volunteer position, this might be a good fit.  There are tasks like dispatching that don't require you going on calls.  I have found going on the calls to be  therapeutic for me.  The clients are always so grateful but I feel like I should be thanking them.  Wishing you & all my widowed friends a great week.

Comment by Macduff (Hal) on June 16, 2014 at 10:15am

While there are many couples here, there are lots widows and widowers here too.. Also husbands and wives where one or the other has Alzheimer's or other serious illness, some terminal. In two weeks I have some budding friendships with folks my age (70) but also in their 80's.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on June 16, 2014 at 10:11am

Hal -

I'm so glad you have found your move to be a good decision.

Thank you for posting the excerpt from the a magazine.  It was very well and the first such article that hasn't made me cry in a very long time.  I wish you all the best in your new location.

Comment by Macduff (Hal) on June 16, 2014 at 9:51am

I have been living in the continuing care retirement community in Portland, OR for two weeks. It was a good decision.

I think of you all - and no better place to share this with than here:

http://pankmagazine.com/piece/possessions/

"Possession(s)"
by John Smolens, published by PANK
First sentence: When your wife dies you find music tastes different and food sounds the same.

Comment by going to make it on June 5, 2014 at 12:35am
Hugs ceilya! Isn't it great to know we have friends here who get it, and are always here when we need them? Even years later? I can't imagine how I would get through some of these issues without all of you!
How awful for you to have to endure that and how dare they! UGH What has gotten into people these days? No manners at all. No kindness for others. No respect. Good gravy! I'm so sorry!
I'm glad you remembered where to come for support & encouragement! I do hope they get their heads out of....ummm the darkness.... and leave you alone. They power you an apology.
Don't you give them a second thought! You know the truth! If the need arises, defend yourself. If not, completely ignore them! You're better than that.
Comment by ceilya on June 4, 2014 at 12:03am

Hi going to make it, going on, feeling lonely and really everyone that comes here to vent, share or just check in so ones like me do not feel alone.  Of course, like most of you, I can relate to something in each post.  I love the positive note of going to make it and wish I had more of them.  It seems like I get on here when I am at my wits end and have no place to go and no one to trust.  Then I remember I have all of you.

I think last time I got on here I was getting ready to clean out Jim's clothes.  I kept telling myself I could use the space so it is time.  Well in all reality I didn't really need the space and now I have empty drawers.  But still it was time and I am fine with it.  I often wonder how long it would have taken Jim to give my things away although I like to think he could not live without me.  Because I am certainly having a hard time living without him.

What triggered my need to visit with all of you??  Work.  I work in real estate and have to deal with a lot of owners, tenants, and homeowner boards.  There is an election happening on a board and of course lots of owners will call me to see who to vote for.  Mainly because we are in a resort and they do not live around the area.  I tell them who I know and go on from there. A  rumor started about me that I had said something about some of the people who are running.  Anyone that knows me knows I do not and never will say anything about anyone since I am a business owner and that is my first priority.  Well both women sent their husbands in to confront me.  After defending myself, at no prevail, and after they left I broke down and cried and it came to me.....I do not have my husband to stand up for me.  then it all started again....mad at Jim for leaving me....missing him terribly.....wondering what advice he would have given me on how to handle this situation....Of course I would have never had my husband speak for me but it was so very comforting knowing he was there....he always had my back.

OK that is it.  I needed to read all your posts tonight.  I needed to be reminded that we can move on...we can laugh...we can hurt....we can just about give up...and that we are in some way survivors.  I hate being a survivor but for tonight I will just accept it.  And as all of you have said we just have to keep on keeping on like it or not.  Thank you all for being here for the days we need each other.  And I really needed all of you tonight.  C

Comment by going to make it on June 1, 2014 at 12:06am
Hugs to all. I'm so very sorry for the heartache that I'm reading about!
Things have been a lil tougher lately for me as well, but I have to say that, overall, I'm happy & finding joy in each day. I still have no answers why I'm widowed twice, or why my child doesn't have her daddy (or step dad), but I'm learning to be happy without answers. Some days I do have to just do it because I know it's what my loves would expect me to do, and what I promised them I would do, but most days it's because I am genuinely happy. I miss my best friend (& sometimes worst enemy ha) and husband of 30 years and I miss my husband that I was still honeymooning with, but I'm learning how to just be me & I'm finding I kind of like who I'm becoming. It isn't the life I thought I'd have. It isn't the life I asked for. It isn't the life I wanted. It is the life I have. I will honor my loves & make it as happy as I possibly can.
I hope each of you find reason to smile again. Hugs & prayers to each of you!
Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on May 31, 2014 at 11:53pm

Why -

I get it.  I have the same feeling.  Nothing matters, nothing makes sense, I have no purpose. If I didn't have  my daughter and her little baby boy, I would have given up when he first died, but I can't orphan my daughters.  I have two, but my oldest and I don't have a great relationship due to her husband.  If you have children or family, please, think of them. They need you.  You may not know it, and they may not show it, but they do need you and will miss you if you aren't here. 

 

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