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Widowed in 2010

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Dianne in Nevada is your group greeter.

Members: 274
Latest Activity: Nov 20

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Comment by going to make it on November 20, 2015 at 10:43pm
Thank you so much Cynthia!
Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on November 20, 2015 at 10:03am

Going to make it -

I'm so sorry about the loss of your granddaughter; I can't even imagine the loss.  But your sound like you have such a wonderful attitude!  

My youngest grandchildren are 2 and almost 1 month; I haven't been to visit yet, but I'm going the first week in December.  I've through about moving closer to them; but they live in Texas, and I just don't know how I'd handle the summer weather there - I really don't do well with the high humidity.  But I miss my youngest daughter and the babies so much, and I'm actually so lonely here.  Too many losses in too short a time... 

I've been doing a lot of art this year; more than in the last 5 years combined, and it's been very healing.  I've only lived here a little over 2 years, and I have made a few friends I consider good friends, but not enough.  I need a "tribe" of people who get me... My therapist keeps telling me I need to make friends with people I can grow old with... and I get that, but one can't control these things that much, I think; you either click with people, or you don't.  And this is a small town.  People are very nice, but also a bit "clique-y".  

But... I'm doing a lot of the things I love doing, and I'm trying to find more social activities so I can get more involved in the community.  

You do have a lot to consider about moving!  I'd say that if you are going to make a move, do it before she gets any further into high school, or wait until she graduates!  I remember when I had my psychotherapy practice, one one of my clients was a young woman who had moved to CA from the east coast.  She was the youngest in her family and when she left for college, her parents moved away from where she had grown up. She said she felt like she didn't have a "home" to go back to.  But that's what a lot of do - the kids are gone, let's go!  and that's okay.  When I sold my house in CA, and my mom moved to assisted living and her house was rented, my daughter was sad; she said she would really miss having a "home" in CA; but she was married by then... But while you do have a daughter to consider, you also have to do what is best for you.  As  you said, life is too short.  

Good luck with all these decisions!  

Comment by going to make it on November 19, 2015 at 9:36pm
Hal, I got the giggles reading your post about trying pot. I can just picture it! Try something new indeed! Ha

I'm glad to hear you say you're open to a new partner, of that should happen. I understand you will always miss your precious Betty though! The right person will absolutely respect that!

Corlene, like you I look for joy in my life. I'm all about peace & happiness. Life is just too short for anything less!
I miss my husbands (widowed twice) terribly, but I refuse to curl up in a ball & quit living. I will live a joyful life in their honor!

Praying about a life change. I want to live closer to my youngest gbabies. They are 1 1/2 & 3 1/2 & I'e only seen them a few times! My son is Coast Guard so they live far away. I live within 5 hours of my oldest gbabies, but they're now getting jobs & girlfriends/boyfriends & don't really have time to spend with an old lady, so I'm thinking it's time to think about a move in the next year or 2.
I do have to consider my 14yo though. She's been through a lot & not sure about moving her across the country in her high school years. A lot to consider & pay through.

My oldest granddaughter was murdered almost 3 months ago & I'm helping her husband raise the kids now, so that also has to be a priority. If he one day remarries (he's young so I pray he will), that will change.

Glad to catch up with you guys! Glad to hear good things!
Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on November 19, 2015 at 9:58am

Corlene, it is good to hear about your accomplishments, like the 5K walk.  As I type this, the arthritis in my right hand is nagging at me; I'm having hand surgery next month and it sucks; it's my right hand and I'm alone - no family nearby to help; some friends I can rely on offered to help, but I still find it so hard to ask. 

I won't be "having" holidays; going to CA for Thanksgiving to see my mom, who's Alzheimer's has gotten more and more severe; my last visit she didn't know me most of the time. She can't feed herself anymore so she won't go out to eat.  She still seems to have one toe in reality at times, but she's still my mom and I love her, but I already miss who she was.  

I'm working on making a gratitude journal - it's an altered book project, using an old children't book and "altering" the pages with my own art and leaving enough space to write in.  I've never done a gratitude journal, and it's time.  

My kids live in California and Texas and I'm in the middle, in Arizona. So after I see Mom I'm going to Texas to meet my newest grandson, and that's a good thing.  

Mcduff, I, too, smoked  A LOT of pot in high school and college (it was the 60's-70's...).  I tried Medical Marijuana at the suggestion of a doctor to help me deal with chronic pain; I bought edibles but they "gave" me free joint at the dispensary; I tried to smoke it and one hit and my throat felt like it was on fire!  I have no idea how I smoked so much of that stuff when I was younger!  Anyway, I didn't like the edibles; made me feel dopey but alert and tired at the same time... guess my older self doesn't like it now.  But good for you for taking the chance on trying it again!

It was 5 years November 12.  I had a meltdown the Friday before - I don't know what triggered it, but maybe I didn't need a "trigger".  I didn't think I'd stop crying, but of course, no one cries forever.  I still talk to Don's picture every night, and many days.  We only have two synagogues here; the "reform" one (more accessible) has a new Rabbi and I like her so I may start going regularly.  

On the down side, one of my first friends when I moved here 2 and 1/2 years ago died last Sunday after a very long fight with ovarian cancer.  She lived over 2 years longer than they thought she would, and now she's finally at peace - but she had the best attitude.  She was alway so up; she was always taking care of others. The funeral is Saturday, so I'll go to morning services, and then to the funeral.  

So that's where I am.  I think it's good to check in here at milestones.  And 5 years seems to be a milestone.

Comment by Corlene on November 19, 2015 at 1:51am

I check in now & then.  I feel so bad for so many who have had major losses after losing their loves.  It sounds terrible to say but I feel safe here so I am saying it.  Jack's brother & mother died within a week of each other.  I feel bad for Jack's remaining brother & sister but not a blip for the ones who died.  His mother had the gall to tell Jack he was lucky to have that "little cancer" because he didn't suffer like his younger brother who had arthritis. She was angry that the wife gets everything when a man dies.  The mother is left out of everything.   I wanted to punch her.  His brother was a taker & user of people.  He hurt Jack so much, I would not even look at him, but Jack forgave him.  Jack was truly the best man I have ever known. 

My mom fell & hit her head about 8 years ago.  The brain trauma is like dementia.  She loses more of herself every day.  I pray for her to go to sleep & wake up in heaven before she becomes totally gone. It hurts to see he like this but she is not hurting and she never cries so in her own little world, she is okay. 

This is our 6th Thanksgiving & Christmas without Jack.  I am so blessed to have our 2 fabulous daughters near.  One little 6 year old grandson visits almost every weekend.  My 2 older grands live in the Pacific NW.  My 22 year old grandson is training at Ft. Rucker which is only 2 hours from us so he will be here for Thanksgiving.  My 25 year old granddaughter & her new husband will be here for Christmas.

My health is good.  I did a 5k WALK last weekend & came in 2nd in my age group.  There were only 3 of us & one came so late to start that she couldn't catch me.  :=)  As I write this, I am debating about posting it.  So many dear friends here have so many losses & illness, I don't want to seem like I am bragging.  I had no more to do with my blessings than anyone with great losses. 

I hope everyone here, in the 5year mark, can find peace & joy in every day.  I look for joy.  I recently told someone not having to have wrestling on the television was that days joy.  Don't get me wrong.  If I could have Jack back & healthy, he could play that stuff as long and as loud as he wants.  But facing the reality of life, I will take my joy where I can. 

Macduff,  I laughed out loud about you smoking pot.  I never even tried it when I was young.  Part of me would kind of like to but I have never smoked & hate everything about it;  I just don't think I could do it.  But I do agree with the "why not try something new" attitude.

Dianne, you are the dearest person.  Your heart is out there for everyone.  I sure hope you find something joyful in the holidays.  You know you are welcome here any time.  A few days of the beach might do you some good.  The snowbirds are here now. Lots of our age folks who are looking for fun & R&R. 

To all the others in this club we didn't want to qualify for, I wish you peace & joy.

Comment by Macduff (Hal) on November 19, 2015 at 1:16am

I'm hanging around here  - I get email messages when new posts come on - 273 members of this group and hopefully most have healed to the point that they don't need this group. I feel for everyone who describes setbacks, usually caused by other loss or family problems, illness etc. I have found my footing at last, though I miss my wife every day.  If you forgot, 1 ½ ago I moved to a continuing care retirement community in Portland, OR. I am healthly and live in a duplex here, still with my two Westies. I have made friends and, who knows, one of these days I may have a new partner. But if that never happens I think (hope) I can live out my life pretty well as long as I don't get sick. P.S. I bought and tried some pot today - first time since college - recreational pot is legal here. I could only take three "hits" before I had a fit of coughing which last three hours, so I didn't feel any other effects. Hey, I'm 71, why not try something new?

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on November 18, 2015 at 11:39pm

Who's still hanging around in this group?  I hit the 5 year mark on Sept. 22. It was kind of ugly leading up to it but now that that milestone is behind me I'm feeling pretty good. Not sure yet whether I'll decorate for the holidays or not. They just aren't the same.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on November 11, 2015 at 10:18am

Tomorrow will be 5 years, and I've been a bit more hypersensitive, and lonely.  But you get that.  Thanks again.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on November 11, 2015 at 10:18am

Thank you, Dianne, for responding.  I'm really not sure what is going on... when I planned to go to Austin for a few months, my daughter was past her due date and was very hormonal.  But I ended up deciding to go for a week, when she needs me most, and my son in law has to go to Dallas for a week  for work, so I'm going to CA for Thanksgiving to see my brother and my mom - although my brother, after saying I should come for Thanksgiving, told me he was sure how much they'd be around (he and his wife - not my mom) but then he decided that his wife can go to her family's without him, and my mom, myself, her caregiver and he will have dinner at his place.  I don't care about that so much as I care about seeing Mom because I don't know how much time she has left.  She's gotten to the more severe stage of Alzheimer's.  My daughter called me back after we talked about me spending more time in Austin, and said it would be nice to have me nearby.  For some reason, after they had their first baby, my son in law got all weird with me; he takes issue with a lot of what I think, and I've started just not getting into anything with him.  We all got along great when we first met; he was with us when Don died, and he was a huge help - especially for my daughter (obviously).  We had their wedding in my mom and dad's back yard.  I know he has a lot of "mother issues," and he's totally estranged from his mother  (who was very abusive).  And he's had a lot of therapy around it.  But I have a few theories:  he's projecting his mother issues onto me; he's jealous of the relationship I have with my daughter (she's always been close to me - and Don); he thinks that because I have a science background, to believe that Don's soul or spirit or energy  is still around is contradictory to being a scientist; he's afraid I'm going to tell his children that "grandpa is floating on the ceiling and sees them".  Now there's kind of a polite uneasy feeling.  He tries; I just want to be able to be myself around him and have him understand that we're going to disagree sometimes.  I think Sarah would like to have me closer for a while, but she also feels "stuck" between me and her husband, and even tho I've told her I'm not going to go anywhere it's not my business to go, I don't want her to have the added stress. Anyway... her husband works from home, but when he's working, he's working, but he's still there if she needs help. And they've got a baby sitter coming in every morning to help.  So if they'd rather do it that way, that's their choice.  Yeah, it's still hard.  I would love to be welcomed with open arms.  But that's not going to happen.  A friend of mine, knowing about my daughter's choices in me, said why is it we can do the best job as parents, we can be close to our children, but we may never understand why they chose the men the chose.  But I really think that because my son in law doesn't have a close family relationship (except with his grandma, and one aunt) he just doesn't understand the relationship I've had with my girls, even tho he was aware of it before they got married.  When I would visit them in NYC, before they had kids, it was great.  We'd go to dinner, to the theater, we'd talk and laugh and visit; there wasn't any tension or stress.  Maybe because his mom was so abusive, he's more sensitive about protecting his kids, and even tho Don and I were good parents, he can't let go of that yet.  Anyway... from CA I'm going to Austin for a week to help with the kids and meet my new grandson.  We'll see.  Thank you. 

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on November 11, 2015 at 12:26am

Gosh, Cynthia - I'm sorry I'm just now seeing this.  How did this work out?  I would think that your daughter will be so very grateful to have you near to help with the new baby and a 22 month old.


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