Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2010

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Members: 266
Latest Activity: on Friday

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Comment by feelinglonely on Friday

Corlene--Thanks so much for sharing your story and journey thru this thing called widowhood.  Good for you to be able to tackle all those situations.  I thought a few times about dropping a line to some of my friends who disappeared but something always stops me from doing so.  Someone once told me that friends with husbands distance themselves because they fear that we would want theirs.  I would never--their husbands could not even come close to mine.

You are right about what our husbands would want for us. I can hear mine saying---Dont let life pass you by--get out there--do something--enjoy yourself.  I do try, but my heart isnt in it.

I will try again with the Meet Up.  I looked at the site several times but didnt do anything--I kept saying to myself--when Im ready I will do it.  Guess its time to try again.

Another friend suggested Events and Adventurers--I looked at that also but that seemed like a vacation site with people going all over and it also seemed expensive--trips, plays, etc.

Corlene--thanks again for letting us know there is a light at the end of the tunnel when we are ready.

Comment by Carol in Calif on Friday

Thank you Corlene. I can't tell you how meaningful your post was been to me. Marshall passed away 4 years this month and all the sadness comes back.  Reading your story has helped.  God bless you

Comment by Corlene on Friday

Hi everyone,  My husband of 38 years died April 1,2010.  The loss was awful and I still find myself wanting to share a news event or joke or whatever, with him.  After 2 years, I made some pretty big changes.  I retired & moved 2100 miles away.  Actually, I came back to a home we bought in 1981.  When he got orders from FL to CA, we kept the house because we wanted to get back to this area.  Circumstances kept us in CA for 30 years. 

After getting settled, I got restless.  I had worked since I was 15 & don't do well without a schedule.  I looked for something to do that would matter.  I tried a couple of volunteer things that didn't fit.  In Jan. 2014, I went to training for Trauma Intervention.  It has filled that need for me.  Basically we offer emotional first aid to people, at the point of their trauma.  Most of my calls have been for a spouse who woke up to find their loved one dead.  The first responders call us.  For me, I know that place emotionally.  Personal experience & excellent training have helped me help them. 

It is true & painful that some of our dear friends & family have moved on without us.  I choose to reach out to them.  I send a "howdy" card or email or call them.  I try not to dwell on my loss but rather ask what's going on in their world.  I keep it light because my goal is to maintain that dear friendship. If they don't contact me after a few tries, I move on.  I figure if I could still be alive after losing Jack, I can pretty much lose these relationships & still be okay. 

Just yesterday someone talked to me about an incident that happened during the 2nd year after Jack died.  I just laughed & said that whole time is a big hole in my memory.  I worked & lived but don't remember much about anything. 

For a long time, I felt fake.  Smiling or laughing was unnatural.  Somehow, I have found joy again.  I read the paper & see so much ugliness & think, "I am so blessed." I had a good marriage to a good man.  I knew great love.  Life isn't what I thought it would be & if Jack was still here, oh my how great it could be.  But he isn't & my resolution to live in his honor, has helped me adjust.  I do think my true healing started when I thought about what I would want Jack to be doing, if it had been me who died.  I looked at my tears & woefulness & thought, "Oh no.  I would want Jack living & laughing."   It isn't always easy but I try every day to live like I would have wanted him to live.

Another plus is Meet-Up.  Check it out online.  You can start your own group.  Some are for singles others for specific interests.  Find or start one that interests you. There is no charge to start or belong.  One of my widow friends started one here called "Widow & widowers.  Winners not whiners"  I love it.  Just people who know loss but want to embrace life & laughter. 

Please do not read anything here as a sermon.  Treat it like a buffet.  If I wrote anything that helps, take that.  If you are put off by anything, leave it there.   I still miss Jack every day.  We have a grandson who was just 9 months old when Jack died.  He will only know his Papa through the stories we share.  That breaks my heart but it is the reality & so we tell stories.  I hate the loss but I choose to find the joy that is still meant to be lived. 

I wish you all happiness & good health!

Comment by feelinglonely on Friday

stimpy13--I understand.  I havent heard from my brother since January--you would think they would call to see if I am still alive!  Most friends are gone also.  I try to do stuff also, but then realization always follows--the return to an empty, lonely house.  He may have died, but I feel like 3/4 of me left too.

Comment by stimpy13 on Friday
I too feel lost. Mark passed on 12/6/2010. Last dec, my job was eliminated. I felt like I was losing Mark all over again. I am just stuck. Some days, I feel good & try to do things. Most of family just ignores me.
Comment by feelinglonely on Friday

Smile2day--Love the name you are using--To be honest, I cant remember the last time I truly smiled--I have that fake smile I use for people--but--I havent smiles or even felt like it for years now.  Lost my husband of 41 years on 9/9/2010 and I am still lost.  I still cant believe he is not here--you are so right--I want my old life back.  I hate being like this, I hate being alone, I hate being a third wheel--I dont think I will ever come out of this.  I am just not normal--almost 4 years and I still cry--not every day, but most days.  I so understand how you feel.  Yes, it hurts, really hurts.

Comment by smile2day40 on August 15, 2014 at 1:21am

I'm new to this site because a friend thought I would benefit from it. I lost my husband of 20 yrs. Jan. 2010 and thought I had a chance at love again with a new man. I recently realized that it was not going to work and the break up from that, has me back at square one with the loss of my husband.  I feel like he just died all over again. Although I will miss my friend, the pain of not having my husband has resurfaced to an agonizing point. My gut is hurting with the pain I feel again. I just want to wake up and realize this was all a dream. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. I want my life back. I had to vocalize that because only someone who has lost a husband could possibly understand. 

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on July 1, 2014 at 4:14pm

So here I am, after reading the positive responses below, and being happy for those of you who are moving on and finding a new life. My daughter and my 7 month old grandson were here for a week and they went back to Texas today; I miss them already. I wasn't able to help her with the baby as much as I would have liked because I'm still recovering from my back surgery, and the doctor gave me permission to carry him - he's about 15 lbs and dang, that's heavy when your muscles are so weak! Now I'm just sore and tired and depressed.
I have this one nagging question I can answer: How do you go on? How do you go on day after day when there is no daily meaning or purpose in your life? That's how I feel. I'm so limited right now physically, and it's going to be a much longer recovery from the back surgery than I thought. I have a reservation to fly to California Sunday to visit my mom and then on to Camp Widow on Thursday from there, and the truth is, I really feel like cancelling my trip. My entire body hurts - my arthritis and fibromyalgia have not been treated and even tho it's the surgical pain that wakes me each morning, the nagging little pains (is there such a thing as a little pain?) don't help. My joints hurt - my feet, my hands, my knee and elbow... it's always something. And my daughter is so worried now that she'll get sick when she gets older - my brother and I have the same type of arthritis, but his has progressed to RA; my mom has it, too. Don had Crohn's Disease for 30 years before he had cancer; it's genetic and his brother has it, too, and his mom had colitis. My brother developed colitis in his 50's which is really unusual; my dad had irritable bowel syndrome. So I tell my daughter that not necessarily; she takes care of herself; she eats well, she exercises and mostly she has someone in her life she loves and who loves and adores her - so she has a positive attitude which helps. But it's so hard when she asks me these questions. I feel guilty for being sick, even though I know it's not my fault. But these invisible diseases are worse somehow. It's easy to think they're all in my head. So I keep looking for a reason to be here, and people keep telling me I have a purpose or I wouldn't be here... but I'm getting tried of waiting to find it. How do you do it? How do you go on each day? Thank you all for still being here.

Comment by going to make it on June 16, 2014 at 9:05pm
Hugs Hal! Glad you're getting settled in & making friends!
Comment by Corlene on June 16, 2014 at 12:26pm

Hal,  I believe the writer captured widowhood beautifully.  I have talked to people who say they feel their dead spouse or have been visited by them.  I have not.  My daughter said this is as it should be.  If he were still here, he wouldn't be where he should be.  Well, okay then but what I would give to "know" Jack is okay. 

On another note, Portland has a very large Trauma Intervention Program.  If you would like to consider a volunteer position, this might be a good fit.  There are tasks like dispatching that don't require you going on calls.  I have found going on the calls to be  therapeutic for me.  The clients are always so grateful but I feel like I should be thanking them.  Wishing you & all my widowed friends a great week.

 

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