Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation


Widowed in 2010

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Latest Activity: Jan 10

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Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 10, 2015 at 10:50am

Carol - I'm so sorry about your leg!  That must be so hard.  And to leave your home on top of it.  I'm glad you didn't listen to the pharmacist; they may know a lot about medications, but they aren't doctors, and they don't know you like (hopefully) your doctor knows you.  I think a big part of my problem right now is not being near family, and just feeling pretty alone.  One of things I realized I'm still dealing with is the anger I have at my brother and his wife for cutting me off.  They live two hours away; he's my oldest of 3 brothers and we were always very close; he was always there for me my whole life, and being a doctor himself, he really helped me though a lot of issues with Don.  When my dad died, his wife thought she could "replace" me as the daughter in the family; it got pretty ugly, and I just can't trust her.  She also has some mental health issues.  When my mom went to live with them, Mom wasn't happy, and my SIL did everything she could to keep me from her, like "banning" me from their home.  Just really crazy stuff. Mom finally got away from them, moved back to CA and I moved in with her to care for her.  They never forgave me, even though it was my Mom's choice.  Crazy stuff like that, that didn't make sense.  So when I moved to AZ, and two hours away, my brother said if I can't have a relationship with his wife, he can't have one with me.  Well, I said that's too bad, and it makes me very sad, and I'll miss him, but I'll always be his sister and I'll always be here if he needs me.  She thought she could tell me all about grief, and that I had to "take Don off the pedestal I put him on, and express my anger at his dying" to heal.  Of course, she knew this because she once worked for Hospice organizing the volunteers.  And of course, she knows all about being alone, because my brother traveled two weeks a month, and the poor baby was all alone and had to do everything herself... well, at least she could call him, and talk to him, and knew he was coming home.  So I realized I'm still angry about all that, and I need to work through it.  We were always a close family, and my Mom will be 90 in two weeks; we're having a family get together and a dinner, and he and his wife and his kids won't be there.  It's just as well I suppose, but it still pisses me off he can't be there for our Mom because he doesn't want to see me.  

And of course, you know about the physical issues when you're alone.  Last night my daughter said if I have to have surgery, and my grandson is weaned, and she's not pregnant again (the altitude really bothered her when she was pregnant and came here with me), she wants to be here for me, depending on how long - her son is so attached to her right now, it will be hard if she's gone for more than a week.  I don't want to take her away from him.  And I'm not so sure about having surgery here since after my back surgery, they managed to overdose me in recovery.  I wish they had just let me go then!  But I'm rambling on and on.  

I think the suffering that I'm feeling is something that will just come and go.  I think it's part of grief, and I think having lost so many people so close together just complicates it.  And it's hard to be happy when you feel so alone.  I have a new neighbor down the street and we have a lot in common; she's very nice.  She's not a widow, and her husband's mom lives with them, but they are really nice people.  There are nice neighbors here, and I am probably friendlier with more of them here than I was back in CA!  Small town and all that.  So thank you so much for your reply, and i know I'll be okay.  Things have a way of working out!  I'm going to start my volunteer Parenting classes next week, and I enjoy that, and as I heal physically, I'll be able to do more. 

Comment by breaca on January 9, 2015 at 11:28pm


I'm not sure why you are going so much suffering yet again. I am so sorry. All I can tell you is I had a very unusual holiday season. I have always loved the Christmas. Of course that changed when my Bob passed and I moved to KY from CA. I am handicapped (kinda) so I came where there were close relatives -- my sister, bnl and nephew and family. I still miss my CA so much and I don't think I will ever be able to go back.

All I know is this year was not a very joyful celebration and the days flew by like snowflakes melting on a warm sidewalk. I missed him a lot and did a lot of self-searching and decided that I was also depressed. A pharmacist suggested I back off my anti-depression meds. I said not blinking likely. Since Bob passed I lost my precious dog, I had my leg amputated, I fell and injured the other ankle very severely, have gone through almost a year of rehab for that. Those meds and some other things help me keep hanging on.

So girl, keep on keeping on and do what you feel is right. At this point in our lives, you know your body best. Seek the help you feel will get you where you need to be and stay in touch.


Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 9, 2015 at 3:02pm

Phaedra -

Thank you.  Yes, I'm at 7000 ft here.  Someone just recently posted an article on FB about how elevation can affect mood.  I didn't think I was affected by the elevation, but maybe I am.  I have a psychiatrist here I really like; she's very good and really knows her stuff, but of course, I'll let her know how I've been feeling. And yes, all the other stuff - anxiety, irritability, etc are part of depression.  I think mainly this is just a bad time of year for me.  And the being alone; I've made friends here, some widowed, some not, but sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed.  

But when Don was on chemo, the medical marijuana really helped with his nausea.  And he had never done any pot in his whole life!  But, it's not for me, at least, not now.  Thanks for your help.

Comment by Phaedra on January 9, 2015 at 1:42pm

goingon, I live in Oregon and also tried medical marijuana. It really didn't do much for me at all. If I used enough to kill the pain, I was so wacked out I couldn't get off the couch. Literally. I was afraid I'd fall over if I tried to walk. Other things I tried it for, not much of help, either. Later, my doc advised against using it with my antidepressants anyway.

Also, you might not know, irritability, frustration, and anger can be symptoms of depression. You might mention that to your doc the next time.

My oncologist actually gave me a referral to a psychiatrist in my new local because, as he said, "Whatever you're doing, it's not working." Had to change around a lot of doses from what I'd been taking for years.

In AZ are you at a higher elevation than where you lived in CA? Some new studies suggest that elevation can affect mood for good or ill, and also affect how antidepressants work. Some people get that Rocky Mountain High, and some get depressed. I went from near sea level to 2000 ft and the medications that worked for me at sea level started having little effect at low doses and a paradoxical effect at high doses. Took a few tries to get something that works.

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 9, 2015 at 10:07am

Thanks, Macduff.  I'm in AZ, but actually I did try medical marijuana, and unlike my "60's" self, I really didn't like it.  It didn't help me with pain or mood, and I didn't like how it makes me feel now.  I think this is just a bad time I'm going though and I need to keep busy and find something that gives me purpose.  I often think I should have stayed in CA, but my house was rented and I would have had to pay to rent some place for myself.. well, it gets messy.  I really like living up here; I just think the depression overtakes me sometimes and maybe I just need to hang in there and see if it gets better... It's been a while since I've been this down.  I seem to have no tolerance for frustration and when it seems like everything is breaking down around me, it's harder to cope.  But thanks. 

Comment by Macduff (Hal) on January 8, 2015 at 11:08pm

I'm sorry to hear all this, Cynthia. California has legal medical marijuana. Discuss this with you doctor if you haven't already. Like what we used to tell our depressed clients about anti-depressants, it won't hurt to try something that many others have found helpful. I have a friend near Sacramento who once a year drives 90 minutes to see a marijuana physician for a prescription. In his case it is to grow six plants, but you can find one to get the pot at a dispensary. http://medicalmarijuana.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=000...



Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 8, 2015 at 10:40pm

I just need to vent.  I've been stuck in this depression and I just can't seem to shake it.  In addition to losing Don in November, 4 years ago, I've been struggling with this chronic pain shit.  I had back surgery in April and I'm still healing from that.  I'm seeing a pain management dr., but they mainly want to use narcotics, and I don't like taking them.  I've been seeing a psychologist who specializes in pain management, but he's not a good fit for me.  It's hard to find good medical care where I live - it's a pretty small town.  He talks more than I do, I think, and he's a cognitive behavioral therapist, and as a retired therapist myself, it just doesn't work for me.  My mom's Alzheimer's is getting worse, as it will, but I can't talk to her like I use to, and I miss her terribly, even tho she's still "here", she's not.  My family is all spread out and I'm just so damn lonely.  I can't get a diagnosis for my arthritis, so I can't get treated.  My hand doctor is talking about surgery, and I just can't go through another surgery alone.  My daughter has a one year old, and I can't ask her to leave him, and my other daughter - well, her husband is trying as best he can to cut her off from us, and there's nothing I can do about that - she's afraid to cross him I think.  My oldest brother, who is a doctor, won't talk to me because I can't have a relationship with his wife, because she's really pretty mentally ill, and I can't trust her.  So I've lost him, as well.  I'm so lonely.  I miss Don so much; it doesn't matter how much time passes.  Lately it feels just like it did when he died.  I'm just wanting to cry all the time.  I'm weepy and nothing helps.  I'm on antidepressants, but the dosage doesn't seem to matter.  I don't think this is a biochemical problem; I think it's the situation.  I can't sleep half the time, and I take medication for sleep, but it doesn't seem to be helping most of the time.  I moved into a new condo in November and had new floors put down, and they are already not holding up.  That's just not right, but I have to go through the whole claim process with the manufacturer, and even if they reimburse me for the cost of the flooring, I can't afford to pay a contractor again to replace it.  My computer is giving me trouble - and it has been, and it's an Apple, so I'm really upset that there doesn't seem to be any fixes for the problems I've had with it.  I just don't know why I keep waking up each day. I can't find reason to be here anymore.  I know if anything happened to me, my daughters would be devastated, and that keeps me here, but I don't see them very often, and one rarely contacts me, and I can't really contact her... the whole thing sucks. If Don knew what was happening with her, he'd be really upset.  I just don't know what to do.  I hate feeling this way, but nothing seems to help.  

Well, as I said, I just needed to vent.  Thanks. 

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on January 4, 2015 at 10:41pm

Corlene -

Thank you so much for your message of hope.  As with everyone else on this particular forum, it's my 5th Christmas without my Don.  I wish I could say "great" when people ask how I'm doing, but I"m not.  For some reason, I seem to be feeling him more and missing him more, and feeling more alone than I have in a while.  Maybe it's just the holidays, or maybe it's that our 3rd grandson turned one in November and he never got to meet his second and third grandchild.  Maybe it's because I'm away from family (we are all so spread out now...) and that he never got to walk our second daughter down the aisle; that fell to me (and that was an honor even tho he wasn't there...).  But i"m glad you are doing so well, and making a trip to Israel.  How wonderful for you!  I was there in 1978, on a Kibbutz (well, I was much younger then!).  I wish you safe travels, a wonderful visit and safe travels home again.  I light the Chanukah candles each year; Don wasn't Jewish, but I am, and he really enjoyed the candles each year, while I wanted the Christmas tree!  So when I light the candles, I also light them for him.  I'm glad you're happy again.  Life keeps going, doesn't it?  And the light will return for me, too, I hope.  Take care.  Hugs. 

Comment by Corlene on January 4, 2015 at 4:15pm

I just wanted to share my feelings this holiday season.  Jack died April 14, 2010, so this is my 5th Christmas without him.  He was so crazy about any holiday.  He loved to decorate with the silliest things.  He would hang signs on our dog & take pictures.  The signs were always messages to me.  I miss that so much.  But for whatever reason, I was really in the spirit this year.  I put my tree & decorations up over Thanksgiving.  I only took them down now because I am going to Israel next week.  I have so much to do for the trip, I didn't want to leave that job to my daughters. 

I guess the reason for my post is to give you hope.  I honestly never thought I would be happy again.  When anyone would ask us how we were, we always responded, "GREAT".  After Jack's death, I just couldn't lie & say that.  A week ago, I ran into an old friend.  He asked me how I was & I responded, "Great" and the best part is, I meant it. 

How did I get here?  I really don't know.  I have joined a local Meet Up group called Widows & Widowers Winners not Whiners.  It isn't a dating group so there is a relaxed feeling of fellowship.  I have made a few friends but I don't venture out a lot. 

So dear friends, keep the faith, cherish the memories, & know that better days are ahead. 

Comment by going to make it on December 25, 2014 at 1:21am
Anyone else having a tougher time, with the holidays, this year, or is it just me?
I'm thinking it's a combination of things. Not traveling this year (my way of dealing has been to stay busy busy busy & travel at every milestone, so we have fun. Add to that, my brother-in-law died 2 months ago of the same cancer. My dad had bypass around his old bypass 25 days ago (reason I'm not traveling is I don't want to be too far away right now). Sooo, I know I'm exhausted & emotions run high when we're exhausted.
I have all the "head knowledge" to know what's going on & that all will be well again. I know the scriptures to lean on, as well. What I'm struggling with is the "heart knowledge" part. The "how to stay home, not be crazy busy, & make it to the other side of the holidays in one piece.
I'm also having my sister tomorrow, so she won't sit at home alone through her first holidays. I don't want her to look at me & think 4 years from now she'll still be a wreck!
I need to pull it together here!
Ok, everyone jump in & straighten me out........GO! LOL

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