Widowed Village

A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation

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Widowed in 2010

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Members: 269
Latest Activity: 5 hours ago

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Comment by goingon (Cynthia) 5 hours ago

I find it hard to believe its been 4 years since we lost Don followed by his dad on Thanksgiving day. I feel fortunate to be with my daughter and grandson who just turned one for this "holiday", though it will always be a day of mixed emotions for all of us. Dons brother and his wife arrive today also, and it will be good to see them. I don't think I've seen them since my daughters wedding, in 2011, although we've kept in touch.

I hope the end of this year goes as smoothly as possible, although its still hard for many of us. So I was everyone peace and thank you for being here foe me when I've needed you these part long four years. Namaste.

Comment by Macduff (Hal) 5 hours ago

Facebook page.

Also, my very best wishes - lots has changed in my life as I approach half a year in Portland Oregon living at a continuing care retirement community. I'm 70 now and may have (finally) met a woman to share my life with, but we are moving very slowly. Still, three or four times a week in dreams, Betty comes to me, and then often abandons me, leaving me to fend for myself (often moving to a new place to live). Picture: me as a hippie at our Halloween party. I got the prize for the funniest costume. More pictures on link to Facebook.

Comment by Linda Lou 47 6 hours ago

Just wanted to say hello and wish you  a semblance of peace today..so many are just entering this walk and some like me a longer length..but it never changes the fact our loved one is missed  terribly..Be blessed and hope to see some of you this Thanksgiving Holiday...

Comment by goingon (Cynthia) on November 4, 2014 at 12:44pm

Hello.  I can so relate to the health issues.  Last time I flew to Texas and Ca to visit my daughter and mom, my ankles swelled, one more than the other.  I know that can happen from flying, but they were really swollen.  They started swelling randomly last July, for no apparent reasons.  I'm 62. The last time my ankles got swollen was when I was pregnant with my first baby!  So I went to my internist, because since my trip I've just been feeling crummy and can't seem to get my energy back up... plus recovering from this huge back surgery - and I saw him nurse practitioner.  When I told her about my ankles, she said, "well our bodies do change as we get older..."  She looks about 25... Well, as I said, this isn't normal for me at all, so I was a bit concerned.  I happened to get a call my  from insurance company's RN (why do they spend money on nurses to call you for nothing? but this time it was helpful) and I mentioned it to her and she said "Call  a cardiologist NOW.)  So anyway, I did call the one cardiologist in town I know, and he said, well, I have a reasonably intelligent woman here telling me her ankles are swelling, she's having random pains, and we know women present differently than men, so let's run some tests."  So, leg ultrasound - clear.  Echocardiogram - probably clear; today, nuclear scan/stress test.  They will probably tell me everything is fine.  There is a lot of heart disease in my family, and I don't want to wait until I have a heart attack like my brother, who then had a quadruple bypass!  So should I give the techs my DNR in case I drop dead during the stress test?  And I'm moving on Tuesday, the packers are coming Monday - I tried to get an early start and pack a few small things, but I packed one box and was completely done in - and oh, yeah, I get short of breath very easily - the least little exertion seems to have me breathing too fast and too deep.  And that's new, even given the altitude I live at (7,000 ft).  I'm so sick and tired of feeling sick and tired!  It really sucks.  And for some reason, today I'm just really missing Don so very much.  I feel so damn lonely.  There are good things in my life, and I try to focus on those - the move to a new home that is just down the street and I love living here; the fact that I can actually pay people to pack for me and clean for me and I can afford to travel to visit my daughter and grandson and my mom... I know I'll pull out of this slump, but it's days like this when I miss Don so much, regardless of how long it's been.  I don't think the missing part of this mess gets any easier with time; I miss him every moment of every day.  I don't melt down nearly as much, but I do cry, but not as often or as long and I don't have big sobs of angst; rather, it's like my "eyes leak" (as Mork would say to Mindy...for those of you who remember Mork and Mindy).  Anyway, I'm babbling now.  Thanks for letting me vent here.  

Comment by feelinglonely on October 22, 2014 at 4:09pm

Teric969--I also havent posted much lately, but I do read what others have written. Cant believe it has been 4 years for those in the 2010 group. I know exactly what you mean regarding health issues. Ive had quite a few problems lately, had a number of tests and it makes it so much harder to face when you do it alone. Our husbands always had our backs and assured us that things would be OK. I really miss that. I still have many sad and lonely days. Just as soon as I think Im doing OK, something knocks me down. Hugs to everyone .

Comment by Teric969 on October 22, 2014 at 2:38pm

For some reason today seems to be a sad day for me.  Having a procedure tomorrow and probably wishing Jon was here to be with me.  Is's a strange thing, this life of widowhood. You think you are fine but this will never go away.  I don't post often, but I do read from time to time, and just know my heart goes out to each one of you!  HUGS.

Comment by feelinglonely on August 15, 2014 at 5:34pm

Corlene--Thanks so much for sharing your story and journey thru this thing called widowhood.  Good for you to be able to tackle all those situations.  I thought a few times about dropping a line to some of my friends who disappeared but something always stops me from doing so.  Someone once told me that friends with husbands distance themselves because they fear that we would want theirs.  I would never--their husbands could not even come close to mine.

You are right about what our husbands would want for us. I can hear mine saying---Dont let life pass you by--get out there--do something--enjoy yourself.  I do try, but my heart isnt in it.

I will try again with the Meet Up.  I looked at the site several times but didnt do anything--I kept saying to myself--when Im ready I will do it.  Guess its time to try again.

Another friend suggested Events and Adventurers--I looked at that also but that seemed like a vacation site with people going all over and it also seemed expensive--trips, plays, etc.

Corlene--thanks again for letting us know there is a light at the end of the tunnel when we are ready.

Comment by Carol in Calif on August 15, 2014 at 11:41am

Thank you Corlene. I can't tell you how meaningful your post was been to me. Marshall passed away 4 years this month and all the sadness comes back.  Reading your story has helped.  God bless you

Comment by Corlene on August 15, 2014 at 11:32am

Hi everyone,  My husband of 38 years died April 1,2010.  The loss was awful and I still find myself wanting to share a news event or joke or whatever, with him.  After 2 years, I made some pretty big changes.  I retired & moved 2100 miles away.  Actually, I came back to a home we bought in 1981.  When he got orders from FL to CA, we kept the house because we wanted to get back to this area.  Circumstances kept us in CA for 30 years. 

After getting settled, I got restless.  I had worked since I was 15 & don't do well without a schedule.  I looked for something to do that would matter.  I tried a couple of volunteer things that didn't fit.  In Jan. 2014, I went to training for Trauma Intervention.  It has filled that need for me.  Basically we offer emotional first aid to people, at the point of their trauma.  Most of my calls have been for a spouse who woke up to find their loved one dead.  The first responders call us.  For me, I know that place emotionally.  Personal experience & excellent training have helped me help them. 

It is true & painful that some of our dear friends & family have moved on without us.  I choose to reach out to them.  I send a "howdy" card or email or call them.  I try not to dwell on my loss but rather ask what's going on in their world.  I keep it light because my goal is to maintain that dear friendship. If they don't contact me after a few tries, I move on.  I figure if I could still be alive after losing Jack, I can pretty much lose these relationships & still be okay. 

Just yesterday someone talked to me about an incident that happened during the 2nd year after Jack died.  I just laughed & said that whole time is a big hole in my memory.  I worked & lived but don't remember much about anything. 

For a long time, I felt fake.  Smiling or laughing was unnatural.  Somehow, I have found joy again.  I read the paper & see so much ugliness & think, "I am so blessed." I had a good marriage to a good man.  I knew great love.  Life isn't what I thought it would be & if Jack was still here, oh my how great it could be.  But he isn't & my resolution to live in his honor, has helped me adjust.  I do think my true healing started when I thought about what I would want Jack to be doing, if it had been me who died.  I looked at my tears & woefulness & thought, "Oh no.  I would want Jack living & laughing."   It isn't always easy but I try every day to live like I would have wanted him to live.

Another plus is Meet-Up.  Check it out online.  You can start your own group.  Some are for singles others for specific interests.  Find or start one that interests you. There is no charge to start or belong.  One of my widow friends started one here called "Widow & widowers.  Winners not whiners"  I love it.  Just people who know loss but want to embrace life & laughter. 

Please do not read anything here as a sermon.  Treat it like a buffet.  If I wrote anything that helps, take that.  If you are put off by anything, leave it there.   I still miss Jack every day.  We have a grandson who was just 9 months old when Jack died.  He will only know his Papa through the stories we share.  That breaks my heart but it is the reality & so we tell stories.  I hate the loss but I choose to find the joy that is still meant to be lived. 

I wish you all happiness & good health!

Comment by feelinglonely on August 15, 2014 at 10:50am

stimpy13--I understand.  I havent heard from my brother since January--you would think they would call to see if I am still alive!  Most friends are gone also.  I try to do stuff also, but then realization always follows--the return to an empty, lonely house.  He may have died, but I feel like 3/4 of me left too.

 

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