Widowed in 2010

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Comment by mtausch on October 12, 2011 at 7:30am

My husband died very suddenly of meningitis Feb. 2010.  We have two children currently ages 10 and 19.  I don't know what else to say.  We all miss him.  My husband, David, and I always wanted to travel, but never could afford too.  Since he died, I moved to Beijing with my youngest son.  Now we can travel like I always wanted to.  I am sorry I can't share this adventure with my husband.  Of course my son is having the experiences of a lifetime here.  My eldest son is joining the US Air Force.  I miss him too, but of course it is not the same thing.

Comment by Macduff (Hal) on October 6, 2011 at 7:38am

The "knifing pain", what an excellent description of lots of the pain of that first year of grief. I am in my 21st months, the two year mark is in sight. I am trying to put my life back on some kind of track and without much enthusiasm doing the online dating.

 

I just had to compose an email this morning to a woman I went to dinner with last night. First we spent some time at her apartment. We'd talked on the phone five or six times and she trusted me (although she did do a criminal records check).  

 

It was obvious she was attracted to me and I knew from the start she wasn't going to be the one. So I had to go through the motions and try to let her down gently with my email.

 

Who would have thought... I can sense my wife having mixed feelings, on the one hand wanting the best for me and on the other seeing how none of these women - must be 20 by now - could measure up to her in my heart and mind.

Comment by busymomof3 on October 5, 2011 at 9:41pm

Thanks everyone.  It feels good knowing others feel the same way.  It has been hard since our youngest started kindergarten this year.  Our other daughter was in kindergarten when Mike got sick and died.  A lot of memories of that year and things he will miss for our youngest.  I feel lost too with all my kids in school!

Comment by LindaAlone on October 5, 2011 at 5:08pm

Yes Chris, lonely for my Dear and the life before. Now can be interesting and even good in its own ways. And I am coming to a place where it is mine, if that makes sense. I am grateful for the love we had, of course wish still had it and the life but now must consider that life is different as are many of the choices I make.

It is harder in some ways this second year perhaps because I still feel mostly I am only moving away and not so much moving towards yet. We mostly knew where we were going and for sure that it was together. Now? Mostly not, only it is alone. 

 

I do not have family close and while I do have good friends, they do have their own lives (unbelievable, lol) so plenty of time...to deal with chores, pets, gardens, painting and to consider what choices I have.

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on October 5, 2011 at 4:42pm

This life is definitely different - and does have it's wonderful moments.  My step daughter is pregnant with Mark's first grandchild due in December - and as was her marriage this past spring, the arrival of this baby will also be bittersweet. 

I don't find that I'm lonely - I have friends and family that are so close and always there for me - I find that I am lonely for MARK and his companionship, and his closeness and the life that we had before May 4, 2010.  THAT is what I am lonely for.......his touch, his humor, his everything !!!

Like Linda, I never minded being alone...........but now, I just miss him and us.

 

Comment by mahagen on October 5, 2011 at 4:35pm

I had been told that the second year was going to be harder than the first, but I must be the exception. Yes, I miss him. Yes, I don't like being alone. But the sharp, knifing pain is gone. Now there is a dull ache that I can ignore for most of the hours of the day. It will be 18 months on the 23rd of this month. I hope we all can move to a place where the pain is just a little twinge now and then, and we can look back and smile at the wonderful life we had and know that, while this life is different, it can be wonderful too.

Comment by LindaAlone on October 5, 2011 at 4:28pm

And then there is that normal vs "normal". I know it is now "normal" and I even understand that family, friends want happiness for me again (although some of their versions, lol) and I get that and that I wouldn't wish this on any of them. While I am learning to live alone and even liking it, hey I liked being alone - knew he was around even if around was faraway and for weeks - but now the lonelies can still hit so hard.

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on October 5, 2011 at 3:41pm

Yep - you're right Linda.  We realize that we made it through one year, somehow......and that is just the beginning of the rest of our new life, our new "normal".  Sending you a hug.

Chris

Comment by LindaAlone on October 5, 2011 at 3:33pm

Totally. It is 1 year 10 months and it seems, along with the "last year I was miserable...." is the realization that having made it through that first year, what I got was....more life learning to live alone.

Comment by DrummerGroupie (Chris) on October 5, 2011 at 3:23pm

Oh Busymom - Yes definitely !!  Yesterday was 17 months since Mark passed away and I've found myself getting so emotional and struggling so much.  I've talked to others about this and they agree and have said that perhaps the fog has lifted, and the reality of our situation is taking hold.  Also, I know that all during the first year, I kept looking back saying, "Last year at this time we were doing......"   or "Last year at this time, Mark was....."  Now, all I can say is "Last year at this time, I was miserable without him".  Hugs to you,

Chris

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