Widowed in 2010

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Comment by Jennie on July 6, 2012 at 10:44am

I think I am doing ok then, it hits me again and I am down again. It will be two years in September.

Comment by Jerry on July 6, 2012 at 8:34am

To LindaAlone, I see that we can learn from others that have went through what we are no going through. My mom was widowed for 18 years and I know she often talked about my Dad. I have an aunt, she lost her first husband in 1961, she did remarry in 1974. Her second husband passed away in 2000. Since my wife passed away she has talked to me a few times and has expressed how she still misses both of them. But she has managed to sill go on with her life without them.She tells me it is hard being alone at home,and misses having a man to o certain chores in the house. She does go to senior centers and bowls, dances and takes trips with her group.it shows me there is hope for us all. Things will never be as we wanted them to be, but we have to accept the way things are.

Comment by LindaAlone on July 5, 2012 at 10:59pm

Jordan, just hugs to you for taking a deep breath, thinking, remembering, considering and making a choice. And remember...we are women so we can make changes, lol! (oh heck guys, we all change our minds)

Beyond that, I would like to second Cynthia's comment to Jerry:

Yes!

Yes, there is a comfort here amongst all you "10's" even across the 12 months of that year...that what we may be feeling is ,well, okay. Not "fine" but okay, sorta normal, anyway this normal.

Last week I met a person who has been widowed a decade. We met through a good mutual friend. Here is what I am thankful for meeting her: first, she's just good, lol! But we spoke of loss, of alone, she spoke of the first five or so years being crazy hard. My Dear died early Jan 2010, so it was actually heartening to hear another say that those first five (or whatever actually) years were.....just crazy hard.

I love my friends/family who love me but don't know this, and I hope they don't ever, but.....the new normal we achieve  may not be what others expect.

Still,with a sweet grace she shared her own feelings a decade out and what had, well, hurt her early on. I resembled that, we probably all do. Mostly, y'know? She knows, we are not "all right" here at this time and that is all right.

There is a good comfort in hearing what each other is going through, what is helping.

Comment by goingon on July 5, 2012 at 11:14am

Jerry
Yes!

Comment by Jerry on July 5, 2012 at 8:23am

It good to read that we are able to help each other by what we write here. Its nice to know that as time goes on we can somehow begin to have somewhat of a normal life again. And to see that even if we do move on that our spouse that passed away will always be with us in our heart and our memories.

Comment by goingon on July 5, 2012 at 1:14am

Jordan -

I don't know  if I posted it here, and if I did, forgive me for repeating myself, but I went ahead and booked my Viking River Cruise from Paris to Prague for next May.  I don't mind traveling alone; and this is something we wanted to do.  Apparently I did talk about it here, from your message.  But now I've paid for it, and am looking forward to it.  So, no one better get sick or die or have any babies or anything!  My younger daughter wants to have a baby, and they plan to start trying in October; but who knows how long it might take them to get pregnant, and she just told me today that her sister told her she is planning to get pregnant with her third in January.  But the trip is booked and paid for, so hopefully the timing will work out!  

I'm proud of you, Jordan.  

Comment by crying on July 4, 2012 at 10:04pm

Jordan
Good for you. Instead of taking a baby step you took a leap of faith. Be proud of yourself

Comment by bogie77 (Donna) on July 4, 2012 at 8:33pm

Jordan,

That's wonderful!  I'm so glad you've decided to take the trip at some point in the future when things are right.  My husband and I planned to go to Alaska but didn't quite get there before he got sick.  I WILL go some day.  Maybe alone; maybe with someone new.  Who knows?  But I will go.  And maybe I'll spread some of his ashes there.  I think that's a great idea. 

I'm really glad that you came back to tell us this, too.  We all offer what we hope are helpful suggestions, but you just never know if you've really helped someone unless they let you know.  Glad we could be here for you!

Donna

Comment by Jordan on July 4, 2012 at 8:28pm

A big thank you to Jerry, Macduff, Dianne, bogie77, crying, Cathy, LindaAlone, and Cynthia. All of you made helpful comments and suggestions back in May, the last time I was here. I was having a meltdown over looking at brochures for a trip to Norway to visit Viking sites and see the Northern Lights. John and I had often talked of such a trip, and the reality of even considering to go without him hit me pretty hard.

Serveral of you made a point that hit home with me. What would John want me to do? He would, just as he always did, tell me to go ahead. He would say that I had been wanting to do this for years, even more than he did, and it would be silly for me to skip something I wanted to do just because he couldn't go with me. So I got over the meltdown, and the backslide that followed, when I didn't want to get out of bed and there seemed no point to going on.

My son came and spent Father's Day with me and encouraged me some more. He even said that if it's possible, he and his wife would like to come with me, so I wouldn't have to travel alone. It's not so much that I hate being alone, because I grew up in pretty solitary circumstances, and don't have a big problem with being by myself. It's the physical things. The body isn't as reliable as it once was. So it would be nice to have someone along to haul luggage, or even walk halfway down an airport concourse to fetch me a cup of coffee during a layover.

So that's settled. I can go ahead and plan my trip for the time when I can afford it and the doctors OK it. If that day comes, I'm going to follow Cynthia's idea. I'll take along a few of John's ashes and leave them somewhere along the coast of Norway. 

Comment by Suz on July 3, 2012 at 10:05am

Paula,

Just read your Sunday comment.  I am so sorry.  I have plenty of those days.  It is only recently that I've been willing to admit to myself that there are times when I would like to just give up and die.  I am fortunate to have an 11 year old kiddo with lots of challenges.  She cannot live without me!  And during the worst of my days, she is my reason for getting out of bed.  Still, one, well I need more than her to go on.  Thursday is the second anniversary of my husband's death.  I spent the weekend with old friends and today, I am doing well.  This is such a day-by-day process -- minute-by-minute sometimes.  I wish I had something inspiring to say.  I don't.  I hope that you have some good days soon.

Suz

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