Widowed in 2010

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Comment by airboy on August 11, 2012 at 3:35pm

August 1st was Jeanni's birthday.  She passed away 19 months ago.  So I put on my game face and head to work.  I fly for a major airline.  So, I'm doing good, strong, walk on the airplane that I will be flying for the day and in the first row is a lady with a purple head scarf on, this just crushed me.  Jeanni's favorite color was purple. She had a purple head scarf she wore during her illness.  I was wearing purple earlier in the day in remembrance.  Purple is now my favorite color.  No mater what, purple is my banner.  So I say to myself Its OK, I stuffed the grief as best I could and pressed on.  I did not have the option to crumble, people depended on me with a sacred trust.  I wanted to say something to her but I know her fight and I had only darkness to share.  So I stayed quiet and silently acknowledged her suffering and heart-fully wished she would have a better outcome than we did.  I felt to say something would be selfish and serve no positive purpose.  Why did the universe put that out there for me?  Was it a test?  Did I pass?  Did I fail?

Comment by going to make it on August 11, 2012 at 10:06am

{{{HUGS}}} mimi! 2 years is catching up with us soon (Oct). Praying for you! I couldn't make it without my GPS in new places. Hope you are beginning to find some peace in your new life.

Comment by mimi on August 10, 2012 at 8:39pm

Today makes it 2 years since Jim passed away.  I still miss him, went to visit him at the cemetery this afternoon. I had lunch with my daughter and the twins.  It's still lonely most nights but I guess I'm getting sort of used to it.  Took the long way home ( alternate route through town)  from the cemetery since there was an accident on the freeway.  Thank goodness for my GPS since I'm still finding my way around town. 

Comment by mimi on August 5, 2012 at 2:49pm

Last week I relived the last week I had with my husband, made it hard to get a good nights rest, but finally worked all those things out, I hope.  I was also busy with family, taking time to go to Sea world and the Zoo (twice), and spend time with the grandsons.  This week will be a bit harder since it holds our wedding anniversary,August 7, it would be 41 years, and the anniversary of his death 3 days later, August 10.  I still don't know what I,( or we) will, do on those days. Maybe a get together, go to the beach or???? and dinner at home and spend part of the day with each other like last year. Going to a pops Concert Saturday night, I didn't want to do that on Friday. I'm Trying to get out and do more by myself but it can be hard, most of the things I do are with my family and one friend. It would be nice to go out with others and will be doing that next Saturday and the following Friday for another Pops Concert. I don't know if I"m ready to do anything alone other than the usual, things I used to do alone anyway.  Dinner out alone doesn't appeal to me.  Traveling alone, well maybe someday. Right now a trip to Italy in October with a friend. Looking forward to that.  We did Greece last year with a group. This one will be on our own with another couple. 

Comment by Suz on July 30, 2012 at 1:42pm

Equador! Belize!  How wonderful!  I have dreams of long term travel and work in other places as well, but right now my little one has one more year of intensive therapy to take advantage of.  We had also planned much more than we did although we did our fair share of traveling.  We had great plans of going and doing some good during retirement -- China or Bolivia were our points of interest.  Right after David died I resolved that I was going to live with intention and not let another day slip away unnoticed.  By the time he had died we had been close to home for a few years because of his heart, waiting for transplant, and recovering from surgery.  Months away sound so good.

Suz

Comment by going to make it on July 28, 2012 at 3:37pm

{{{HUGS}}} everyone. Was gone to Girl Scout camp with my lil girl. Nice to get away and just have fun with all those lil girls. So busy with everything that goes with it that I didn't have time to think of anything else. Home for 2 days then it's off on a mission trip and mini vaca with the grandkids then when we get home it's back to school and work.

Can't believe the changes a few short weeks can make! I couldn't imagine ever living anywhere else (still can't in many ways) and now suddenly I'm ready to sell everything and move far away. I do mean far too! I'm praying about a long term mission over seas!! Possilbly Equador or Belize. US dollar is worth far more there, I'd be following through with not just plans, but dreams I've had since I was young. As a couple we planned Africa so I think I'll steer clear of there. I don't want to constantly be thinking "If only he were here, etc"

Looking to go on a 3 month mission trip and see what happens. Have to work and save at least through spring (in contract til then anyway) then we'll see. Only thing concerning me at all is how far I'll be from family... can I get back easily if someone gets sick, can they come see me, etc. Been talking to others there though and it's so easy to get back and forth from both of those countries now days.

Talk about a move!! LOL

Comment by goingon on July 28, 2012 at 2:24pm

Hello all.  Last week I was in Flagstaff, AZ to visit because I've been considering moving there to be closer to my mom, who lives with my brother in Phoenix.  But I was sooooo lonely, and trip was actually good for me, because I realized I'm not ready to move.  The thought of packing everything up, and moving to a new town without Don just made me soooo sad.  And it was good to come home to the dogs and get that unconditional love!  They distract me from the sadness sometimes (except when the little one decides my bedroom is her potty... need to work on that!  And she's 3 years old and "housebroken"  any  suggestions???)  But anyway, I read how so many people have moved closer to family after losing their spouse, and my sadness is that I really don't have any family I want to be closer to, except my daughters. I have one here, and the other one is currently living in Brooklyn, but they (her and her hubby) are talking about a move to Austin.  She would like me to wait until they move and get settled and come for a visit and see how I like it; she wants me nearby, but so does my other daughter.  So again, I'm torn. But I really want to leave this area eventually; I'm so tired of the congestion in this area... too close to L.A.!

Anyway, sorry to go on.  Thank you all, for just being here.  And yeah, I'd like to see a new picture up there! But the roller coaster is an appropriate image... 

Comment by Teric969 on July 26, 2012 at 11:16am

HI Mimi,  Tuesday (24 July) was the 2 year day for me.  I also have moved to be closer to family. It is good to be closer to them. We lived in Alabama and now I live in Washington state. So it is kind of strange. I've been here for about 6 weeks now, new job, new home, new everything and nobody here knows Jon. That is the weirdest thing for me I think. Except my family of course still talk about him. But in Alabama everyone knew us. I am also very proud of my accomplishments and I know he would be too.  Keep up the positive thinking. It helps to want to move forward, even as hard as it is sometimes, I know deep down that is what I want for myself and I know our husbands want that for us too.  HUGS All! 

Comment by mimi on July 26, 2012 at 11:03am

It will be 2 years on August 10 that I lost my dear husband Jim.  I still miss him and wish he were still here with me.  My  life has changed a lot since then, I made the move I told him we were doing, now living near our girls and their boys. I do think he would be proud of the way I'm taking care of things. LIfe is beginning again for me, hard after being married for 39 years.  I think I'm finally getting used to living alone, it is hard and I really don't like the evenings and weekends, the times we used to be together. I still have my good days and bad.  There are a lot of things I haven't done and hope to do.  I'm making new friends in a new town, but love being here. There was nothing keeping me in our old town other than my good friend, but we talk a lot. I know the move was the best thing I could do for me, I was planning on this move for years and just wish he were here to share life with me...

Comment by goingon on July 21, 2012 at 6:01pm

I'm at 20 months.  I can relate to everything you are saying.  After losing my husband, we lost his dad, our dog, my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last fall, my dad died last January and his illness somehow caused our family to just fall apart, and my relationships with my three brothers were all poisoned by one of my sister-in-laws who's proven herself to be pretty out there; but my mom has move in that brother who is married to the crazy one and she continually finds reasons to either ban me from their home to causes my brothers to question my ability to be with my mom.  I have no idea how this happened... but it's too long of a story for this.  Suffice it to say, I basically feel like I've lost my mom and we were always close.  

I am so tired of being so damn lonely.  That's the worst part I think.  Yes, having to make major decision on my own is hard; deciding what to do with the house and when; where to go; trying to have a social life... all that and more.  I don't want another relationship with another man.  I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that.  I still wear my wedding ring; I finally moved my engagement ring to my right hand, but not ready to let go of the gold band on my left; I wear my husbands wedding band on a chain around my neck, close to my heart.  I'm having a bad day.... more family stuff with the brother; it doesn't help these feelings of being so alone.  I just want someone to hold me again, and hold me when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I need to cry.  I miss him sooooo much.  

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