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Widowed in 2011

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Members: 509
Latest Activity: May 21

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Comment by Sad One on May 21, 2020 at 4:06pm

Hi all. I've been pretty much same as y'all. Staying in, and only been away from my home twice, once for market and once for pharmacy. I've been puttering around in my garden. Mostly cleaning up after the winds bring debris down. Every once in awhile I stop, and remember when hubby and I had planted that tree, and look how much it's grown now, or plants or shrubs. It's a lot of work for me, but I'm glad to have my small garden to enjoy. Stay safe.

Comment by LucyGoo on May 21, 2020 at 3:02pm
Hi all! We had a terribly rainy spring so I've been happy to get out in the sun a bit and work on the yard. Today I went to a local green house/farm to buy annuals. It's the first time I've been anyplace since this all started. I figured it was outdoors and not a busy place under usual circumstances so I felt comfortable. (Last week I put on sneakers to organize the garage and the dogs ran to their crates. They seemed a bit disappointed that I didn't actually go anywhere!)

I'm in New Jersey and it's been really bad here. The hospital a few blocks from me just got rid of the refrigerator truck they had to store bodies because the funeral homes were so backed up they couldn't get them fast enough. They've only just started taking non-covid cases.

Before the sun finally came out I made a bunch of masks, until I aggravated an old quilting injury and had to stop LOL. I did what everyone else did and purged all the closets and drawers. I haven't been able to read much which surprised me at it's always been my refuge. But, I've done a bunch of puzzles and have been playing canasta on-line with a friend. I've even done some Zoom calls so at least I've sort of seen my friends and family. I miss my social life - but in the big scheme of things I am safe and so much better off than so many that I hate to complain about anything.

Be well! Stay safe!
Comment by Deb on May 21, 2020 at 9:57am

Hi Cee!  Doing pretty much the same as you are.  Trying to get out in the yard & do some cleaning up there too.   Glad to finally be having some nice weather!

Comment by Cee on May 21, 2020 at 7:00am

Hello all - hope you are well and managing to keep busy during this trying time.

I'm well and staying home except to pick up groceries and that is just the drop off in the car not going in.

It will be nice to be able to get back to regular routines and be around people.

How are you keeping yourself busy?

Comment by Cee on January 1, 2020 at 3:50pm

Mark, you are so good about finding the right words to help the rest of us navigate this fog we are in. Thank you for being there for us.


Comment by Cee on January 1, 2020 at 3:48pm

Sad one,  Sorry I just came back in and found your posts. My heart aches for the way you were treated by your family. I can't believe they would treat you like that. Maybe the best thing about it was that it was short. I understand how much you looked forward to having family come to visit It should have been a happy time being with people.  These are the times we miss our spouses.

I did go over to the friends for dinner - just her, her husband and her sister and me, so it wasn't a long visit, It was nice that because she had to go pick up her sister she picked me up also and I didn't have to drive in the dark to come home.  This gal is one of those people that takes in all "strays"  she and her husband are always helping other people. It is nice that she does this but it makes me feel like one of her stays and not a real friend. our conversations are mostly her talking and me listening. I am complaining but I do appreciate that I have had her in my life - she was basically my life line when my husband died.

 Because of some other things happening here I am giving more thought to moving back to my home state and looking into some kind of senior living space so I wouldn't have to worry about all the home maintenance, and there would be people around to help - like last summer when I fell and I knew right away my shoulder was broken, I was all alone and it was about 5:00 in the morning so I managed to slide myself around and got to the phone to call an ambulance. After I got back home I had to hire one of the home care aids to help me for a while. That is what happens when you do not have family around. Oh the gal I mentioned did pick up some tv dinners for me and called a few times but she had her hands full with her own family to help much.

 I seem to be running off at the mouth tonight - guess I am just lonely and this is as close as I can get to talking to some one.

 S' I hope things have calmed down with you and we can all look forward to a brighter new year.


Comment by Daisy on January 1, 2020 at 8:37am

Mark, thank you so much for your post. It was just what I needed to read today! About 2 weeks ago I started to create a blog website. This morning I woke up thinking, "Should I really be doing this? Why did I start this?" I was beginning to doubt that it was a good idea. Then I read your post. What you said - and I really admire your eloquent way of expression - so perfectly reflects my motivation for starting this project. Yes, I'm doing it in part for myself as it is very therapeutic to write about your grief, but also and mostly to share with others in the hope that it will help them in some way and make them feel less alone on their grief journey. It helped me tremendously to be able to read about others' experiences and thoughts and it still does. So thank you for giving me the little "nudge" I needed to continue my foray into something that is a little out of my comfort zone and definitely involves a lot of learning!

I hope this new year brings hope, love, light and healing to everyone.  

Comment by Barzan on December 31, 2019 at 4:35pm

Mark, that was a very thoughtful post.  You are correct in that grief is viewed and dealt with much differently than it was years ago.  Not only have we spread out into communities but our measure of time allotted for most events have shrunk considerably.  Take for instance the Christmas decorations on store shelves the day after Halloween and Valentines stuff has already taken their place.  We are expected to overcome our grief in short order.  A question I posed to a friend who has been happily married for over 35 years was how long would it take for her to get over the death of her husband.  She hardly took a minute before replying that she probably never would.  I think maybe she gets it now but until your the one left alone, you really don’t get it.

I had 5 weeks with my husband before he took his last breath.  I can still vividly remember the last time he was sitting up on his hospice bed and thanking me for 31 of the happiest years and all that I’ve done for him.  We said our love yous and soon he was on heavy pain meds and never spoke again.  

He was a brilliant man who also wrote brilliantly.  Poetry, essays, short stories and greeting cards to me are all carefully stored in a box that I pull out and enter his world.  Much of his writings were while in uni and law school before I met him.  He taught me the lesson of patience, listening, not being judgmental and not swearing.  He was funny and goofy.  And best of all, he was the best part of my life for 32 years.  

I wish all of you a 2020 that is filled with strength and forward momentum.  I’m thankful to have all of you here to share our wid-life.



Comment by chef (John) on December 31, 2019 at 12:42pm

Thank you for writing such an incisive and understanding/compassionate post, Mark. Your view is Zen-like, yet also a practical approach to our situations. I wish I were as eloquent.

Comment by Mark99 on December 31, 2019 at 11:30am

A Decade of Grief & Transparency

Since Thanksgiving the whole grief thing felt like those floaters we have in our eyes. Little black spots that you can see bouncing in your field of vision. Some days harshly bouncing off the concrete wall in paddle ball and other days a pink Spaldeen sitting in a gutter. I've been thinking I should do a NYE post about Donna's and her last NYE to kind of address this season of grief. I realized (slow one I am) this is the end of decade and everyone is doing decade reviews of: albums, books, movies, styles of underwear, etc. Add to that I'm listening to a podcast with Dax Shepard interviewing Edward Norton where they got to talking about how when people step out of their mold and take risks that that transparency shown outwardly can be a prism for others to engage or find their way.

I heard that and thought about us here. Not just us here but any platform or grief support group, etc. I have been posting, podcasting, wrote a book about my grief and grief in general. I was using my grief in a transparent fashion to, one come to terms with it, second share it with others. Somewhere in there I hoped it would help someone somewhere.

Historically way back when we lived in villages death of a loved one was a village event. Wids were not left alone when gathered around the town fountain or center. Grief was a currency of need and support where all gathered to help the one grieving. Fast forward to the 20th century and our grief journey became more and more isolated as populations dispersed to suburbs. In that environ grief was a sorrow carried alone with all its transient suffering.

Today within our community and others we are gathered around a virtual village fountain sharing. Our personal grief shared allows other to see their grief and access it. AND it helps us understand and find a safe place to grieve. Shared emotions and ideas can only serve to help others integrate new knowledge into their world to create a new consciousness.

I guess this decade, as I look back, is one where I have journeyed with my grief to learn and understand me, Donna, love, and others. I, in a way, am an advocate for grief and our collective need to share. I root for my grief and yours. Not for the pain but the window of light it can allow in. I am going to write a longer post about this idea better thought out. For now much love today and into 2020.

 The pictures are from NYE 12/31/2010 into 1/1/2011. I think you can see on Donna's face she was in pain. As I look harder at the photos I think she knew this would be her last NYE. Until I can no longer write or talk about these topics she will never not be with me on NYE.


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