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Widowed in 2011

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Comment by LucyGoo on January 5, 2018 at 6:13pm

Thank you all for sharing so honestly about your holiday season feelings.  I found myself deeply sad this year - more than I have been in recent years.  It surprised me because having passed the 6 year mark I have actually been feeling better for some time.  And, this year I have my granddaughter living with me while she attends school - so there is much more life in my house.  I think that somehow that made the holidays harder.  I've been making a pretty happy or at least satisfying life on my own and suddenly I have have been reminded of all that I lost when I had my mate and best friend here.  I think too that having her in the house just reminds me how far away I am from my old life I have travelled. (Especially since she so wants to know more and more about him.)

Like some of you I think sometimes that it would be nice to have a man in my life again. But I am also not sure I could survive losing another love and I am not interested in making room in my life for a man who would not leave as big a hole as losing Bob did.  Also, I can't imagine actually dating again.  I didn't like it in my younger days and surely don't want to have to do all that "getting to know you" stuff again.  So, unless I magically happen on someone in my day to day activities I think the chances of me finding someone are pretty slim.  In the meantime I will remind myself that I am happy to have life in my house again and live vicariously through all their drama.  (But GEEZ, the noise - completely unaware how quiet my house was!)

Comment by Slick on January 5, 2018 at 9:11am

Yep...I agree with all that's been said...Oh Barzan I would never bring Politics here....I am very happy watching and going to lectures on the subject..of course alone....I have always set the bar where I believe it should be set for me.....I have been married twice...after Bill ex husband told me I would never be able to date..because I am too complex and very intimidating to some....not that he found fault with this because he knew my kind loving, gentle side....but felt most men wouldn;t bother taking the time to get to know I think after many years I lowered my standards....bad mistake..he was narcissistic , mean, crazy, liar, and very mean, insulting, offensive and ride to me...some of the things he told me about himself....his past made me want to run..but I froze...narcissists can do that to the strongest...I have finally gotten rid of him...I still have a thought of something he said to I doubt myself anymore ..NOPE!! thank I am taking one day at a time....trying to find places to go to meet men and women...just want to have some and weekend trips, dinner, lunch, a movie,......I was never looking for a relationship.....companionship a couple of days a week is fine with me.....I wish everyone here...peace, love , happiness in their lives....I have accepted being alone about 5 years after Bill I work with it best I can..

Comment by chef (John) on January 5, 2018 at 8:52am

Bottom line is that we are alone in the deepest sense and somehow we try to come to a sense of peace with that. It is hard work and sometimes tiring.

Amen! This is something I can NEVER explain to any of the Don't-get-its who harass me for (Ahem!) *still* being single. 


I think we don't have a man in our lives because we have high standards.  I won't settle so may remain single the rest of my life.

*Cough!* I think men can have high standards for women as well. :-) Like you, Barzan, I shall not "settle" either--no matter what family members, my few friends or my many acquaintances tell me. I view such "advice" and "concern" as junk mail to be tossed immediately.

Comment by Barzan on January 5, 2018 at 7:55am

I, too, will be at 7 years in June and I, too, had a lonely New Years.   One of my good friend's husband told me recently (we were having a bbq) that men probably find me intimidating.  I had to think about it and accept that he's probably right.  I am self confident and not a push over.  I am well read and worked hard to be well educated.  I don't mention any of these things when encountering men but must exude some sort of signal.  I think we don't have a man in our lives because we have high standards.  I won't settle so may remain single the rest of my life.  My late husband was kind, very intelligent, humble and thoughtful.  He set the bar pretty high.  

So, Slick and Bunny, we must accept that maybe we are measuring by the bar our husbands had set.  I wasn't looking when he came along so will leave it up to fate.

I have joined a few Meet-Up groups that fit my interest and volunteer at a performing arts center.  I am also starting an exercise routine at a rec center.  Keeping myself busy helps keep my mind on other things so I don't dwell on my loneliness.  I really have to push myself to do all these things.  

Slick, I also love politics - but that's an area not to be visited in this forum.

Comment by Slick on January 4, 2018 at 3:24pm

Hi Bunny...I agree with the happily ever after...I feel since Bill passed I will never know that..I don 't get a second look either and when I do...the man is all about one thing...and rude, unkept, etc....I  have been told by many I am attractive and look 10 years younger then I am...I find that hard to talk to me all the time in the grocery store, the drugstore, classes...yet there is never a "would you like to have coffee" or " can I have your number"......I just got rid of the worst you could ever imagine....I have never looked...and aren't going to start...I just wish I could find more to do with friends...everyone likes crafts..I like History and Politics...LOL...You're not alone although I am so sorry you have also had a bad holiday season as so many of us seem to have had...I will be thinking about you Sat....Bill will be gone 7 years on March 1...may peace find your heart...

Comment by Bunny on January 4, 2018 at 3:01pm

It will be 7 years this Saturday since my husband passed and yes this has been a very difficult holiday season.  I too envy the couples I have actually cant even watch all the Hallmark movies - I know life isnt a Hallmark movie just cant stand the happily everafter.....This past weekend my elderly neighbor knocked on my door and asked if she could come in for a couple of minutes.  She was seeing two gentlemen and wanted to break it off with one of them so she wrote a letter for the one man and taped it to her door as he was suppose to come and pick her up.  I cant seem to get a quick glance by any man and she has 2 so yeah I spent New Year Eve's alone and depressed.  So I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way.  I still have hope for what I dont know maybe to find someone to share the rest of lifes' journey, but it's fading fast.  

Comment by Slick on January 4, 2018 at 5:19am

Oh Maggie....I would have felt the same...not jealous at all , happy for her....but sad in some way for my loss  and feeling that I will always feel like this...I did volunteer for 2 a specialty cancer facility...loved it...3 Oncologists, 2 Physicists ( who I loved, both very Americanized and the other much younger had an arranged marriage) they were so different..I was at home there...with the Navigating Oncology Nurse (male) old friend, he treated my husband so did one of the Dr.s ...and the Admin Asst...the 3 of us shared one office and I learned so much that I began doing for the Drs.. it was so nice to be needed after 3 1/2 years of being a sole caregiver....I think that is part of my problem...I am so used to being a caregiver and needed...that I am lost...I understand that sense of all being well in my world ...Bill was here ....I also garden but that is done right 4 closest girlfriends all passed very young , for a fact between 50-54 my closest friends and my husband all passed....I will be 64 next week...and still have one friend...who is married and I don't see more then once a month....I am going to try an excercise class although I prefer walking outside....I lost my walking partner of almost a year..him and his dog I loved walking with ...until I grasped that he is a narcissist..and of course me being a helper and caregiver ...fell right into doing for I am looking at 2018 as a year of using the things I have learned and being happier, calmer and with more peace in my heart ......throughout the year...not sure how yet....but I have to try....God bless....

Comment by Maggie on January 3, 2018 at 3:57pm

I had a friend where I use to live that went to a hospice group with me. Her husband died a few months after mine in 2013. I hadn't heard from her in awhile and got an email from her and she got married this past Dec. she is 74 and seemed so happy. My first instinct was feeling envious and then a bit depressed. Of course I was happy for her too, but being honest, these other feelings arose first. And it was envy not of getting married or even having a man in her life, but envy of being happy. I feel guilty feeling that, but there it is. 

I don't feel that that will ever happen to me, partly because I don't want it or do I? Having a man that is.

This holiday was rough on me too and it's almost 5 years now. I don't sense it's the really missing him,  or at least not for me, but more the feeling of missing an important part of a good life...that being a long and happy marriage into old age together. I miss the happiness and sense that all is right in the world (my world.) I miss happiness.

Slick, I stay relatively busy....volunteer once a week at the hospital, a couple of friends I go to lunch or dinner with. I like to garden but I think this winter is going to kill a lot of my plants and I spend a lot of time on my iPad.

But truly most of it is just fluff....rather surface. Bottom line is that we are alone in the deepest sense and somehow we try to come to a sense of peace with that. It is hard work and sometimes tiring.

Comment by Slick on January 3, 2018 at 3:06pm

So true be at almost 7 years and not be through this amazes me at times....this was one of the worse set of holidays I have had in many years.....glad they're over.....for this year....angry at the universe? I can live with that.....

Comment by Barzan on January 3, 2018 at 1:40pm

Chef John,  I agree that the 5 stages are a hoax.  One of the things that really get me upset is when I'm trying to remember a place or event that he and I were privy to and I have no one that shares that memory with me now.  So, basically, if I can't remember it, it's gone forever.  


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