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Widowed in 2011

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Comment by Mark99 on March 18, 2019 at 6:47am

Chef (John)

Thank you all for the kindness about the book. As more people are reading the book and are from different age groups I am struck by how each demographic, age, etc finds a message or something in the writing to highlight and note. That s rewarding. 

And as far as making decisions. I have to laugh at myself over the very real frustration I have making some decisions. Simple decisions. Dumb decisions.

The perfect example is in the spring or the fall trying to decide which duvet and shams to use. For Donna is was easy. She was a designer and had style. She'd say ok time to switch (my job doing it). Then I would get the various ones down or out and Donna would go this this and that and bounce. Me now w/o Donna I take them all out and struggle for hours trying to remember what was used way back. Or fail at design color etc. I am just frozen and angry about how come I cant do this?  And being negative. Yup am there and get it. 

Comment by Princess Warrior Widow on March 12, 2019 at 5:15am

Mark99 congratulations on your book. 

Comment by chef (John) on March 5, 2019 at 5:08am

Sorry for your losses, Marsha.

Congratulations on getting the book produced, Mark.

Mark, you are a much better man than I am. There are times that I am in the supermarket, see older couples together, and think, "Damn! That's never gonna be us!" [I once felt a scowl come across my face during one of these episodes, so I have to watch this.] I feel that part of this is a recognition of the fact that seven-and-a-half years later, I'm still here, working my way through things. I'll hit the eight-year mark in July.

I agree that we have been able to make decisions without discussing things with our spouses who had our backs. I have even experienced the axiom that "Not to decide is to decide." I can't say that all my decisions have been perfect, but at least I've learned from my mistakes. Negativity comes and goes at odd times; sometimes it passes within a few seconds; other times it hangs around for the afternoon or evening (The worst experiences are when it hits me in the middle of the night.), and (at certain milestones along this path) remains for days. I expect that this will continue for the rest of my life. Just my two-cents.

Comment by Mark99 on March 3, 2019 at 11:19am

Two months after Donna died I was introduced to Michele Neff Hernandez by her brother who owned Ward III where Donna and I went. Michele pointed me to Widowed Village and I never looked back. Being around those who shared my timeline of grief and loss gave me the strength to tell "A complex story of love and death simply told in words and photos.” 

If you read it I hope it offers insight and share in my journey. 

Love

Mark 

Comment by Mark99 on March 3, 2019 at 11:03am

Sad One I will confess here that I as well have those intrusive thoughts of others. I don't show or speak it just that conversation in my head. And I am trying to tone it down but I need to know why, I am not jealous of others though the vapidness of their world at times makes have judgmental harsh thoughts. I think it more about my status and place in the world and trying to find more meaning and purpose. Don't be hard on yourself because we are there for you as is your family and friends. We can speak up here. 

Comment by Sad One on March 3, 2019 at 10:19am

Marsha,

I am so sorry for your losses.  I too lost my brother 37 years ago, and lost my Mom 20 years ago. Not recently though, I know. You are so right, that the hardest part of making decisions is that we don't have husband by our side to talk to. I think also that losing my job last year, as child care provider of 16 years, doesn't help me feel better. Haven't been able to find work now, and at my age, I'm 57, and inexperienced, it's not easy to find work. I've been keeping busy with helping to raise my 2 Grandsons, and been doing some crafting on my free time. I hope this negativity lifts soon. Thank you for sharing. Sending you warm thoughts and hugs, as well.

Comment by Lissa on March 3, 2019 at 10:01am

sad one I can relate too. It was eight years January 31. It got so bad for me this past year that I posted a sign on the inside of my front door that simply says “QUIT BEING GRUMPY!” I am working hard to turn this around this year.

Comment by Marsha on March 2, 2019 at 4:31pm

(((Sad One))) I am also at 8 years (Jan 19th) and for whatever reason feel unsettled. I won't say negativity yet there are times it does creep in. The past 2 years I have had to deal with taking over POA for my Mom when my brother was diagnosed with cancer. Lost him Nov 2017 and then my Mom Dec 2018. Now trying to deal with her estate and wondering if I'll ever get my life back. Maybe by mid-year I will be more optimistic. Biggest problem I think is we do not have our spouses to talk to. I miss his wisdom and it's hard making all the decisions alone wondering if you are making good choices. I think that is where the negativity comes in as even though we are happy for others who have not had to face the loss, it is still hard seeing them enjoying life together. Best suggestion which I hope to follow is volunteering and finding others with similar interests. I think being around others having positive things to do keeps us going. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.

Comment by Sad One on March 2, 2019 at 1:50pm

Hello. Ok so am at 8 years out as of February 10. Lately, been going through a new emotion. One, that in the past was fleeting, but that now hangs around, and is hard for me to shake off. And that emotion is, Negativity! To whom? Anyone who crosses my path. Ugh. I try to see the bright side of things, to lighten my mood. But, boy, oh boy, it gets hard lately. Does, anyone else out there go through this, at 8 years out? And what to do to get past this? Thanks, for reading this, and maybe sharing. Liz

Comment by Barzan on December 31, 2018 at 1:52pm

Happy New Year to all my widow family.  You're all in my hearts.  May 2019 bring you some comfort and peace.

Suzan

 

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