Widowed in 2011

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Comment by kittymom on November 18, 2011 at 1:13am

I am also having a tough night Joyce. Today Ron has been gone 4 weeks and that seemed to hit me hard. My emotional outbursts are always triggered by something and it certainly doesn't take much for me to find a trigger!! I am finally going to send out 2 of his death certificates and I am sure I will be sending out more before the end of the year. I have been putting off filling out all the forms that I need to because I always have to attach his death certificate. I really just wanted to leave the death certificates in the envelope in which they came. I guess looking at them just makes it all real, as if it wasn't already. I am so not looking forward to the holidays nor the winter months without him. This is the time of year we always spent the most time together because golf season has ended. We really did not get to spend much time together over the 4.5 months he lived after his diagnosis. I told him to spend his time however he wanted. With his work, golf, Dr. appts, 3 weeks in the hospital, and having no energy left after work, we really didn't get the quality time together I would have liked. However, I did not want to be selfish and kept telling myself he is the on who is going to die. I think I really wont start feeling any relief from this grief until warmer weather comes back in the Spring. I will miss snuggling with him this Winter and it will be almost unbearable without him. I am really hating all of the "firsts" and just hope I will experience most of them in 1 year and will be able to be happy with my new life. Right now life just really sucks!

Comment by Joyce on November 18, 2011 at 12:20am

@Tomdar2, I know everyone says one day at a time or on minute at a time, and I do get that most of the time, but tonight I'm just walking around saying Why, What's the point!  I just miss him so much.  I'm sure I'll feel a little better tomorrow, but tonight I'm just sad.  Hugs to you!

Comment by tomdar2 on November 18, 2011 at 12:08am

Amen to that! Six months is harder than I expected. I hit that next Wednesday.

Comment by Stumbling (Susan) on November 17, 2011 at 9:58pm

Oh, Cutie!   I wish I could just hug you. i saved a bottle of Ed's favorite cologne, and once in a while I will just take a small whiff.  It brings comfort, but many tears.  Your memories will get you thought this.  and it is OK to be mad at God.  His shoulders are broad, and he will help you carry the load.  You are braver than you think you are, you are smarter than you think you are, and you are stronger than you think you are!

Comment by Marsha on November 17, 2011 at 9:50pm

(((((Cutie))))) It's ok to be mad at God. He understands. Anger at God is part of this journey of grief. There are no answers as to why our loved ones are gone other than it was their time to go. All we can do is take it a day at a time and a baby step at a time. This journey is a roller coaster ride we all want to get off of. Wish we could. Pray you find some peace and comfort to help you on this journey.

Comment by cutie on November 17, 2011 at 8:43pm

It is so funny that I am reading these posts today because last night standing in our closet I cried as I smelled everything of Matt's and nothing smells like him anymore...I want his smell to last forever...please...please...PLEASE!!! Why can't just one thing smell like him forever...even his body pillow that I cling to every night stopped smelling like him...it really sucks..he has been gone for six months already,can it really be that long??and I say it again, at the same time it feels just like yesterday that he was holding me and telling me how much he loves me and how I was his favorite...I cry every single day still,sometimes more than others but it still hurts as much as it did when i got the phone call...can someone tell me what we did wrong to not get longer together??? We really lived our lives"right" and yet I am here and he is not within reach....I am still so mad at God and I know that is wrong but so is a person like my Matt being gone...God has everything,why did he have to take my heart????

Comment by Jus me Becca Z on November 17, 2011 at 8:16am

White Rain hairspray... that's the smell that reminds me of Jim. That makes me smile.

Comment by Stumbling (Susan) on November 17, 2011 at 5:44am

I have his brush in a zip lock bag.  Once in a while I will open it to smell him, and it's been almost 7 months for me.

Comment by judy on November 16, 2011 at 11:25pm

Didn't realize that if you put the clothes in the bag it would keep the smell.

Have all his shoes too - wonder if the smell stays - I loved everything about my Justin - just everything......  I look at Justin's picture alot during work time...  I would never put them down never!

Comment by carolynne on November 16, 2011 at 9:39pm

Mem....it's so hard to tear yourself away,though, isn't it?? I find myself picking up Rod's pictures all day long at work even though I know it will make me cry...someone actually suggested I maybe should take them down. What???! That's not happening any time soon. Rod's clothes don't smell like him anymore...wish I had thought to put them in a bag.

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