Widowed in 2011

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Comment by Dawn on May 9, 2011 at 10:46pm

I just stopped in the chat area, sometimes I just go there and read and pass time, tonight I actually commented. Someone mentioned something and it brought up a memory from a few months back after i wrote about it I SMILED it was a funny prank my hubby pulled on our son, then just like eveything else , my giggle turns to tears. I can't even have a happy thought for a moment, all I do is cry.  I wonder if moving would help. Everyday from my apartment I can see where my husband was found. No matter where I live it will never change the fact that he won't be with me anymore.. And that is the problem I WANT him, I MISS him, I LOVE him, I want him to HOLD me . His 43rd birthday was May 4th

Comment by Dawn on May 9, 2011 at 10:20pm

I was going to ask how everyone here is holding up these days, I found my answers by reading the posts. I am lifeless at best myself, although I am not going to harm myself, I cannot say it hasnt crossed my mind. My life ended with my loves On Feb 12th. I too was a strong and confidant , I was a dreamer who hung in the clouds more than the earth.. now I am so planted I may as well be 6 feet under. 12 weeks of agony, pain and tears. Alone for the 1st time since I was 21, what is a person supposed to do? pack up the love, our past our hopes and dreams put them in a box with a pretty bow and start over? NOT !!!!! We have 4 kids youngest just turned 21, and a granddaughter who turned 7 who we raise. I took her to therapy today the poor little girl not only lost him she lost me too. She can't understand why I don't play anymore, why I don't dance anymore, she has been asking me " gramma am I good or bad?" gramma do you love me? I assure her the best I can but she is bright, she knows me so well, I think when I answer her it is from such a empty pit she finds it hard to believe. I am angry  that a phone call would have kept him alive , or a ride 4 blocks to home would have kept him from freezing to death outside our apartment, a few minutes of somebodys time and I wouldnt be here. such a waste of life a suffering death.I am so sick of going to bed alone, I am tired of waking up alone 25 years of togetherness and now this. We had no friends we were our own best friends together all the time , now it is just me , his family was never apart of our lives , mine we moved away from I do talk to a sister daily but not about anything important after she had the balls to say he was " a crutch" good thing I live an hour away, didn't answer her calls for a week. .. This place is the ONLY secure place I can write what I FEEL , SHARE everything stirring inside as mad a crazy as it might sound people here understand. 12 weeks of tears, emptyness, I am the living dead, how I just wish for some peace.

Comment by Patty D on May 9, 2011 at 3:39am

Hi Everyone, I lost the love of my life this past Feb and have been lost. I have a lot of support from my family and our friends but I still feel like I am a misfit. It's tough dealing with the day to day stress and feeling so lonely. My marriage to Lou was a second  marriage. We had seven wonderful years together but I hoped for at least 20. For some reason today was the first day I have had that was not as difficult. I kept extremely busy this weekend. I still keep our grandson on Friday nites. His mother is my step daughter, I went to a car show to visit friends ( which was very awkward for me but I made myself go ) I felt a little out of place since I was alone but still in my element, I went to dinner with my neighbor and her friend ( this was new to me since I was always with my husband and never went out with or actually had girl friends ) I had Mother's Day with my daughter and her family at her mother in laws. ( again this was new to me my husband or his daughter always hosted holidays). I went to the club house yesterday and met up with a friend and joined her for a walk in the pool last night. Unfortunately I drank some wine at the pool thinking it would help me sleep and it backfired. I can't sleep and the alarm goes off at 5AM for a full day of stressful work. So strange that everything I did this weekend was new to me and for some reason I feel so different right now. I cried very little today. I think I am in shock since I did so many different things. I have been doing strange things since my husband passed like leaving the oven on for at least a week on  at 350. I couldn't even remember turning it on and cooking until I went to the grocery store and picked up a spagetti squash and then it hit me OMG that is what I cooked last. My husband did all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry etc since he was retired. I was in such shock when my husband died unexpectedly that I don't even remember what was said at the funeral service and I actually asked our best friends if they came to the funeral home. I hope that many of you will read this and send me a friend request.

Comment by ktlamer0707 on May 9, 2011 at 12:18am

bad day very very bad day, bad couple days. we don't have kids so i'm not sad that it's my first mother's day alone. i'm just a wreck and honestly so over all of this. really why bother?? he was my world and now he's dead. he had the easy part he got sick was sedated and died... i have to take care of our life now and live this freaking nightmare. i'm sick of being sick all the time with grief and pain, i'm sick of being asked if and how i plan on killing myself i'm sick of living without my husband. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up... too bad it isn't that easy... what a hell we are forced to live in.... sorry for my rant i'm just not ok right now and figured i needed to get it out since it's after midnight i feel bad texting or calling anyone.

Comment by DonnaReid on May 9, 2011 at 12:00am

Thanks Abby. I've come to realize that only another widow would understand how I feel. So I'm glad I found this group. My husband was an avid outdoorsman who hunted, golfed, hiked...etc. I never expected to be a widow at this age. My daughter is getting married in June and this has totally changed the level of excitement for the event. I cry when I think that she will not have a father daughter dance like she planned. I will not have my love by my side during the ceremony and reception. My daughter and husband planned to watch the movie "Father of the Bride" the night before the wedding.  And fathers day is the day after the wedding. All these thoughts bring tears to my eyes day and night. I don't know how I'm going to get through it all. As I've said before, thoughts of suicide allow me to get through many a night. I know you understand....

Comment by Abby on May 8, 2011 at 3:23pm

Hi Barb: Welcome back from Las Vegas. I hope you had a lot of fun and did not lose too much money. I have missed talking with you in this venue. I will check out the chat later tonite. Busy with lots of work, so sometimes I don't stop til very late.

DonnaReid, I lost my soulmate and loving husband on January 20th 2011, so I know how you are feeling and empathize with everything you say.  It has amazed me how ignorant many people are, including friends, as to what they say. I too have limited myself to a select few exceptional friends who I have "let into my world of horror." Yes they know that I would prefer to be dead to try and find my husband or if nothing else to be put out of my continuous misery. And yes,while it hurts them to hear me say I wish I were dead, they know that I am not going to do anything rash, at this point in time. I will say, as a woman who has always been known as a go getter and a strong person, the loss of my husband has reduced me to a mere shadow of myself. IF I am still feeling this way a year from now (assuming I can withstand the pain), I may be forced to look at other options. I just cannnot seem to get my head around finding the new me, as I don't want to.  I just want my husband back and if I cannot have him back, then I really do not want to live. I will make every effort to try and get past this gut wrenching pain and if I am not successful, it just does not make sense to go on living a life of misery. I hope for both of us that our pain eases, as others further into this proces have said it does.  So you know my husband was a strong athletic 55 year old male in excellent health. He died from complications of surgery. Totally unexpected by even his surgeon and anyone that knew him. He was the strongest, most fit guy around. Everyone is astounded and I am left to pick up the pieces.  How this happened is beyond me...I am having the hospital records investigated right now and I am filled with rage toward his surgeon and the entire medical profession.

Please let me know how you are doing?  My thoughts are with you and I totally understand how you feel.

Abby

Comment by MissHIm11 on May 8, 2011 at 9:46am

Donna,
I hate to welcome you to WV but it is a great place where you will find tons of support. I am only 8 weeks and 1 day into widowhood and must admit in my darkest of moments I can't find a reason to live without my husband. Then I look at my little daughter (15 months) and my huge pregnant belly (34 weeks tomorrow) and am reminded that I must live on for my children. Life is so hard for all of us but we are so lucky to have a place where we can be open with other widows/widowers and not fear being placed into the psych ward. I hope you find that same comfort here.

Comment by DonnaReid on May 8, 2011 at 12:20am

It looks like I'm the newest member of the group that no one wants to belong to. I lost my husband on Feb. 11th, the day before our 39th wedding anniversary. His death was totally unexpected. I woke up thinking he was late to work and found him cold and lifeless. No history of illness, recently got a clean bill of health from the doctor. I'm STILL waiting for the autopsy report but the physician who performed the autopsy has said it was a heart attack.

 

I put on an oscar winning performance by day but at night the real me comes out...crying, angry, confused, shaking, avoiding others, plotting my suicide when the pain gets nearly unbearable. I just finished reading Joyce Carol Oates book "A Widow's Story" where she writes:

 

     "Where some may be frightened by the thought, the temptation, of     suicide, the widow is consoled by the temptation of suicide. For suicide promises A good night's sleep--with no interruptions! And no next-day"

 

No, I'm not suicidal. But the "thought" of suicide has gotten me through many a night. This book truly helped get me through the last 12 weeks. Joyce writes about the days leading up to and shortly after the death of her husband. I have dozens of post it note tabs sticking out of the book on the pages that I wanted to revisit.

I'm so sorry to be here and sorry that you are all here as well. I feel like I am in one of the lifeboats from the Titanic with all of you....only much worse. Thanks for being here! I've read all of your posts and look forward to many more.

 

 

Comment by mayday00 on May 7, 2011 at 1:31am

I am not counting the days since my husband's death. 

I don't know how many weeks it has been. 

He died on Jan, 19th, 2011.

Knowing that day and knowing that I made it through to today is enough.

 

At first I was comfortably numb and had friends and family checking to see what they could do for me, just checking, not jumping in and doing, not realizing that I needed them to just Do and not Ask.  Because they saw me functioning like normal, they thought I did not need help.  How could I tell them what I needed when it took everything I had to just breath.  How could I ask them for comfort when they were struggling to find their own way.  How could I ask them to do the things that helped me get up and make it through the day. 

Then the numbness slipped into non-stop crying, the friends and family started to slip away.

Going back to work at the same company where he also worked was Hell.  It was too soon.  It was the only financial option.  There was no way to escape the painful reminders.  Navigating the social maze of politeness and superficial condolences played havoc with my befuddled mind and heart.  It was an unavoidable mistake.

As I started to feel again the anger kicked in, anger at the cancer, anger at the doctors, anger at the hospital, anger at his family for disappearing, anger at my family for having their own difficult lives, anger at friends who said things without thought, anger at my job and its necessity, anger at my husband for not helping me to prepare for him being gone, anger at him for being gone, anger at myself for all the "missed" moments and signs, anger that I was not enough. 

A bit of numbness crept back in to protect me from my own anger, a small break, then back to crying. 

So I started fighting, again.  As a caregiver, I fought the disease, the insurance, the bills, and anything that stood in the way of his healing.  Now I fight for my home, my pets, my job, my sanity. 

I still cry, even though it is less often the tears come from a deeper part of my soul. Now I am crying for me and not just for the hole and silence he left behind. 

The numbness is being replaced by awareness.  The pain is no longer dull, it now has sharp edges. 

I am afraid of what will happen when all the residual battles are over.  I am afraid of all the major changes that are still ahead of me.  I am afraid of losing more. 

I don't know who I am now or who I will become, I do know that I am here now and that I have a long road to finding that new self.

I have a pact with the pain and tears; let me get through the day and at 6:00pm the floor is all yours.  I have a deal with myself: get through the week and then do something special for yourself.

I am not an easy person to be around right now.  I am moody, quiet, quick to react and quick to regret, out of balance with the rest of the world.  I do not have the inner resources to protect the world from the raw emotions that sit just below my skin.

I feel alone and lonely.

I don't want others too close.

The friendship fatalities caught me off guard, I was not prepared for how difficult the change in my role in life would be on casual relationships.  My field of friends has slimmed down to the few who don't pretend, those who are willing to let me go through the grieving process in my own way and time.  The ones who don't expect me to be a widow silhouette. 

I am concealing myself from those few special few.

I don't want the people I care for to understand. 

I don't want them to know what this pain feels like. 

Ever.

 

Comment by barb on May 6, 2011 at 11:16pm

Hi Abby

Saw your name earlier in chat - said hi - but I missed you.  I am glad to tell you that I am healing a little.  I cry - not as longs, not as often.  YOu do get some relief with time, - and I think about you often and pray some of the pain will let up for you as I know you are in pain.  Come in the chat room Abby   they will help you ----I will keep you in my prayers along with another widow friend and myself.  It will be ok, Abby---------------take small steps...........

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