Widowed in 2011

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Comment by DonnaReid on May 11, 2011 at 5:15pm

I wanted so badly to call him when I got out of work today to tell him about my day. Sounds like such a simple thing but alas so impossible. Wish they had cell phones in heaven!

Comment by Dawn on May 10, 2011 at 6:41pm

Katlamer0707 , the great thing about this place is that we don't have to be sorry about anything we feel , we can just be.. no worries about sounding crazy , being angry , venting honestly i don't know where I would be without these boards to "sound off" to get some of the feelings out. It's a good thing I am a full time stay at home gramma at 46 because I would have been fired by now if I had a job. I lay in bed and cry most days when the little one is at school , I cry all day everyday probally how I have gone down 40 pounds in 12 weeks , water weight in tears, a chunk of my heart and soul = 40 pounds. I am sorry your here, I am sorry we are all here, I wish there was a "cap" on members , of how many would have to endure this agony, we are at 37 world no more till next year... i know there are more who have not found this site, I hope the ones who need this place like I do find us. <3 to us all

Comment by Abby on May 10, 2011 at 10:06am

Dawn: A year sounds forever for me too....if this level of grief keeps up, I am not sure how i will make it but, only because others have said that eventually you  learn to smile again.....right now, that does not sound like me or ever will. However, you just never know. Even if I am not bereft every minute of every day, what will my life be like without the only man I have ever loved?  I think we owe it to ourselves and the memory of our husband's to "try" to stick it out to see if the veil of grief starts to lift.  Right now I wish they had a pill that I could take a sleep for one year while the grief was sorting itself out without me.  However, of course, there is no easy way out of this hell.

Hang in there and let's keep in touch!

Abby

Comment by Dawn on May 10, 2011 at 9:24am

Thanks Abby A year sounds like FOREVER from the feelings of the last 12 weeks but reasonable, for now. I have somethings I HAVE to take care of , I have pills to sleep, pills for pain I wish they had a pill for broken souls.

Thanks Crystal, I feel so selfish when I think of you , The blessing of the beautiful little baby you are going to have, a gift of life , a precious gift of the LOVE the two of you shared for one another and now this. I wish you and your babies lots and lots of LOVE, I wish us all peace..

Comment by MissHIm11 on May 10, 2011 at 7:03am

Dawn, 

Since my husband passed on March 12th there has been one event after the other. I feel like I am being slapped in the face with each one. It isn't fair. Life isn't fair. When I pray to God I always end up asking him WHY?? Why did he do this? Why I am left to raise our children? Why am I going to give birth without my husband here? I just can't seem to move past WHY! Why, is the one thing I will never know. My heart continues to break each and every passing day. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I know it doesn't make you hurt any less but I just wanted to reach out to you. 
Hugs,

Crystal  

Comment by Abby on May 9, 2011 at 11:10pm

HI Dawn

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better but all I can say is that I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL because  I feel the very same way. What I am living for when all I want is to be with my husband. Other people have made it through this grief and I am going to give myself a year to see where I am at.  I think we all need to give this process of hell some time before we make a definitive decision about anything. I hate living, I hate that I will be going to bed tonight without my honey, I hate that our anniversary is on Friday, I hate everyone who is married and is able to tell their husband I love you....I hate getting up every day to face yet another day of pain. When will it end? Who knows?  But I think a year is a good time to give ourselves to see if this agony will subside,at best.  I am on my way to bed and had no intention of writing anything but when I saw what you wrote, I felt compelled to let you know that you are not alone, and that I understand how you feel.

Try to have a decent night' s sleep.

Big hugs

Abby

Comment by Dawn on May 9, 2011 at 10:46pm

I just stopped in the chat area, sometimes I just go there and read and pass time, tonight I actually commented. Someone mentioned something and it brought up a memory from a few months back after i wrote about it I SMILED it was a funny prank my hubby pulled on our son, then just like eveything else , my giggle turns to tears. I can't even have a happy thought for a moment, all I do is cry.  I wonder if moving would help. Everyday from my apartment I can see where my husband was found. No matter where I live it will never change the fact that he won't be with me anymore.. And that is the problem I WANT him, I MISS him, I LOVE him, I want him to HOLD me . His 43rd birthday was May 4th

Comment by Dawn on May 9, 2011 at 10:20pm

I was going to ask how everyone here is holding up these days, I found my answers by reading the posts. I am lifeless at best myself, although I am not going to harm myself, I cannot say it hasnt crossed my mind. My life ended with my loves On Feb 12th. I too was a strong and confidant , I was a dreamer who hung in the clouds more than the earth.. now I am so planted I may as well be 6 feet under. 12 weeks of agony, pain and tears. Alone for the 1st time since I was 21, what is a person supposed to do? pack up the love, our past our hopes and dreams put them in a box with a pretty bow and start over? NOT !!!!! We have 4 kids youngest just turned 21, and a granddaughter who turned 7 who we raise. I took her to therapy today the poor little girl not only lost him she lost me too. She can't understand why I don't play anymore, why I don't dance anymore, she has been asking me " gramma am I good or bad?" gramma do you love me? I assure her the best I can but she is bright, she knows me so well, I think when I answer her it is from such a empty pit she finds it hard to believe. I am angry  that a phone call would have kept him alive , or a ride 4 blocks to home would have kept him from freezing to death outside our apartment, a few minutes of somebodys time and I wouldnt be here. such a waste of life a suffering death.I am so sick of going to bed alone, I am tired of waking up alone 25 years of togetherness and now this. We had no friends we were our own best friends together all the time , now it is just me , his family was never apart of our lives , mine we moved away from I do talk to a sister daily but not about anything important after she had the balls to say he was " a crutch" good thing I live an hour away, didn't answer her calls for a week. .. This place is the ONLY secure place I can write what I FEEL , SHARE everything stirring inside as mad a crazy as it might sound people here understand. 12 weeks of tears, emptyness, I am the living dead, how I just wish for some peace.

Comment by Patty D on May 9, 2011 at 3:39am

Hi Everyone, I lost the love of my life this past Feb and have been lost. I have a lot of support from my family and our friends but I still feel like I am a misfit. It's tough dealing with the day to day stress and feeling so lonely. My marriage to Lou was a second  marriage. We had seven wonderful years together but I hoped for at least 20. For some reason today was the first day I have had that was not as difficult. I kept extremely busy this weekend. I still keep our grandson on Friday nites. His mother is my step daughter, I went to a car show to visit friends ( which was very awkward for me but I made myself go ) I felt a little out of place since I was alone but still in my element, I went to dinner with my neighbor and her friend ( this was new to me since I was always with my husband and never went out with or actually had girl friends ) I had Mother's Day with my daughter and her family at her mother in laws. ( again this was new to me my husband or his daughter always hosted holidays). I went to the club house yesterday and met up with a friend and joined her for a walk in the pool last night. Unfortunately I drank some wine at the pool thinking it would help me sleep and it backfired. I can't sleep and the alarm goes off at 5AM for a full day of stressful work. So strange that everything I did this weekend was new to me and for some reason I feel so different right now. I cried very little today. I think I am in shock since I did so many different things. I have been doing strange things since my husband passed like leaving the oven on for at least a week on  at 350. I couldn't even remember turning it on and cooking until I went to the grocery store and picked up a spagetti squash and then it hit me OMG that is what I cooked last. My husband did all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry etc since he was retired. I was in such shock when my husband died unexpectedly that I don't even remember what was said at the funeral service and I actually asked our best friends if they came to the funeral home. I hope that many of you will read this and send me a friend request.

Comment by ktlamer0707 on May 9, 2011 at 12:18am

bad day very very bad day, bad couple days. we don't have kids so i'm not sad that it's my first mother's day alone. i'm just a wreck and honestly so over all of this. really why bother?? he was my world and now he's dead. he had the easy part he got sick was sedated and died... i have to take care of our life now and live this freaking nightmare. i'm sick of being sick all the time with grief and pain, i'm sick of being asked if and how i plan on killing myself i'm sick of living without my husband. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up... too bad it isn't that easy... what a hell we are forced to live in.... sorry for my rant i'm just not ok right now and figured i needed to get it out since it's after midnight i feel bad texting or calling anyone.

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