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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Widowed in 2011

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Members: 505
Latest Activity: Jan 5

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Comment by Slick on September 28, 2016 at 4:44am

Well said John....it is a quiet realization.....we do need time..there are no rights and no wrongs..all need to do it in out own way .....but we do have to move forward so as not to get stuck in grief which is not only painful but unhealthy and not what God or our loved ones would want for us...I also keep learning about me and life...I am good on my own always have been...I have confidence in me....it's all the losses I have suffered that get to me at times...all of my closest, oldest friends included so hard to want to share and do with others and not be able to....I have joined many groups and they have not been what I was looking for,..have tried everything and gone almost everywhere I could think of alone .....so now it's just one peaceful day at a time....and someday God will bring the right person and myself face to face..

Peace

Comment by chef (John) on September 28, 2016 at 3:23am

Sometimes small steps are better than none. It's also a matter of perspective...and time. People need time to grieve and process. Some can do it in a short period, while others take longer. I took about three years myself.

There comes a point while making one's way through the maze/fog/fear/doubt/etc. of widow(er)hood that one realizes that is possible to go on: That you can trust yourself to do the right thing, that you can learn from your own mistakes--and that you can allow yourself to make those mistakes in the first place. This epiphany is not often a blinding "Eureka!" moment, but rather a quiet realization, and more of a "Oh!-I-should-have-know-this-all-along thing"--at least from my own experience, and those with whom I've been able to share such things.

A great weight was lifted from my shoulders when I finally came around to it. I am also happy whenever others come to that moment on their own as well. I have come a great distance, but there is still the path before me...and I am brave enough to go forward alone, make decisions whenever I hit a crossroad, and live with the results of my own choices. I learn more about myself, others and the world every day,

Hugs, peace and strength to you all.

Comment by Slick on September 26, 2016 at 2:09pm

Everyone of us is so different and yet have suffered the same  pain, anger, anguish and loneliness....some are lucky to have another to hold their hand and help them get started on their forward journey and others have no one...I am at 5+ years and have wanted to move , sell my home for at least 2...but for the life of me cannot figure out where I want to go and some places I love I just can't afford..I do think it's a giant step in starting a new life..as we all have to do....God bless and Peace.

Comment by Cee on September 26, 2016 at 1:15pm

I needed to come back here to those in the same time frame.  I feel surrounded by those new on this journey and feel there is something missing for me. I do have the same feelings as they do but I also need encouragement to find my way in this new life.

 It give me hope when I read about the steps others are taking and the changes they are making.

   HUGS to all.

Comment by Cee on September 26, 2016 at 1:12pm

Chef John, yes Good for you. It is encouraging to hear when others are finding their way through this maze. Your baby steps worked for you. How nice of that co-worker to give you her support.

 Hugs and may you always go in the "right direction'

Comment by chef (John) on September 2, 2016 at 7:01am

We were a couple of DINKs, so I am a mere observer to your situation.

Dwelling, I think, is inevitable at times--especially early on. Still, even now, I can be occasionally sucker-punched by something I see, hear, taste or smell--and I know that such instances will go on for the rest of my life--even if I ever get married again.

I think your rabbit hole analogy is appropriate. Early on, a coworker who had been widowed very early in her first marriage (she subsequently married again) told me to keep taking "baby steps". I doubted her words at first, but grudgingly realized that she had already gone through this experience and was gently encouraging me in the "right direction". (She was only one of many already-widowed mentors who came to my rescue.) After what seemed like millions of miles of baby steps, I was finally able to look back and appreciate how far I had actually come. It was initially surprising. I've come even further since then, so..."Good for me!", I guess...

Comment by Flowing57 on August 31, 2016 at 5:24pm

that's true chef John. I was in a traditional marriage. Stayed home and took care of the children, while my husband went to work. I never thought I could do so many of the things I've done in the last five years without him! I've done a few refinances by myself. Funny, my husband was a mortgage rep, it always seemed so overwhelming, all the paperwork! Basically running a household alone, raising 4 children. I traveled to China to adopt two of them after he died. But, honestly, if I let myself really dwell on it all, it's still very overwhelming at times. Sometimes you feel like you fell through the rabbit hole in a whole new environment and wonder how in the world you got there!

Comment by chef (John) on August 31, 2016 at 3:02pm

@Flowing 57: Glad to hear! :)

One of the hardest things with which I've had to deal is the fact that (early on) I didn't think that I could do things on my own...and then little by little I came to see that I was doing things...on my own. I've continued to do some things we had done together, took up new interests and even made new friends/acquaintances. I guess I can surprise even myself some days.

Comment by t2 on August 31, 2016 at 9:40am
My therapist believes I have PTSD. Obviously, still working through this. I've finally decided to sell the house. After 5 years I feel I need to do it now. Somehow feels like it's been a security blanket, as well as an anchor keeping me from really moving on. Love you guys.
Comment by Slick on August 31, 2016 at 8:29am

There is never anything to beat ourselves up about in these situations....smit...it sounds to me that you hadn't fully acknowledged your loss and when you did it all came flooding back...a theory of PTSD and dx are very different..just and FYI..I'd rather see you get the proper help ..and if it's grief it;s very different counseling then PTSD counseling ...each are a specialty..you opened up and that's a good thing....keep the meditation up..I find it to be a blessing at times...PEACE and good luck

 

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