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Widowed in 2011

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Comment by Barzan on January 3, 2018 at 1:40pm

Chef John,  I agree that the 5 stages are a hoax.  One of the things that really get me upset is when I'm trying to remember a place or event that he and I were privy to and I have no one that shares that memory with me now.  So, basically, if I can't remember it, it's gone forever.  

Comment by chef (John) on January 3, 2018 at 10:56am

I think I get angry at the universe, not at the couples. (Were that the case, I could start with my own parents--who are now both 83.) Not very productive, but it comes and goes even now. Who knew that any of the so-called "five stages" could last this long?

Comment by Barzan on January 2, 2018 at 7:27am

Mark, I think you stated that well.  I've had 6 years of "why us' moments.  I now am just grateful we had each other for as long as we did.  Trying hard to let go of the anger but it doesn't always work.

Hope you find some comfort this year.

Comment by Mark99 on January 2, 2018 at 7:09am

This thread about anger strikes a resonant chord with me. I am not angry at other couples as much as angry at myself for not saving Donna from death. Yes friends irrational logic in abundance with that statement. I see these happy couples and know they have ups and downs. They will face their own reality. I think about Donna and just trying to make her smile to make me smile and I am not angry or sad just wistful. 

To modulate my anger I think about this CS Lewis quote from A Grief Observed 

‘To some I’m worse than and embarrassment. I am a deaths’s head. Whenever I meet a happily married pair I can feel them both thinking. ‘One or other of us must some day be as he is now.’ 

My pain and anger has only arrived sooner than theirs I must remain strong so I can comfort others about this cluster fuck grief we live in. 

Comment by Barzan on January 1, 2018 at 5:32pm

Hi Chef,

i hope you know that I wasn’t saying our anger isn’t valid. My point was that we can’t hate them because our spouses left too soon but for us to respect that it will be in their future as well.  I don’t know your age but I had just turned 61 when my husband and best friend died.  I felt cheated and still do.  I get upset and angry that those couples are us.  I hope I explained what I meant in my earlier post.  I sure as heck wasn’t being dismissive.

i hope 2018 will be kinder to all of us sharing this journey.

Comment by chef (John) on January 1, 2018 at 3:33pm

Snark away as much as you want, Barzan. FWIW, I *still* have moments when I see older couples together and get angry, knowing that this will never be something I'll ever experience with Judith.

Almost six-and-a-half years later, and I'm in the midst of one of those "feels like yesterday" moments. Thanks for the breathing space, Folks.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on December 31, 2017 at 11:08am

If you don't have plans this evening, pop into the chat room to ring in the new year with other Villagers. You are not alone. We'll be there for all US time zones from 11pm Eastern to 12:30am Pacific.

Comment by Barzan on December 31, 2017 at 10:46am

I know what you mean!!!  It does hurt to see all these couples celebrating the holidays.  I don't want to sound snarky but all of them will one day be in our shoes.  We need to let them have their happiness.  I'm sure when our husbands were alive, other widows/widowers felt the same way we do.  Bless you and have a Happy New Year.  It's ours to do what we want with.  Hugs to you.

Comment by Princess Warrior Widow on December 31, 2017 at 7:25am

I just opened the Christmas card I received from my best friend. It was a picture of her with her husband and sons.  It hurts to see what I miss. I threw the card in the trash. It felt good to release it.  I am glad that the holidays are over.  

Comment by Princess Warrior Widow on December 28, 2017 at 4:54pm


I am looking forward to 2018.  This year I learned to hold my hand. I am strong enough to trust myself. That is pretty powerful.


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