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Widowed in 2011

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Comment by Barzan on January 5, 2018 at 7:55am

I, too, will be at 7 years in June and I, too, had a lonely New Years.   One of my good friend's husband told me recently (we were having a bbq) that men probably find me intimidating.  I had to think about it and accept that he's probably right.  I am self confident and not a push over.  I am well read and worked hard to be well educated.  I don't mention any of these things when encountering men but must exude some sort of signal.  I think we don't have a man in our lives because we have high standards.  I won't settle so may remain single the rest of my life.  My late husband was kind, very intelligent, humble and thoughtful.  He set the bar pretty high.  

So, Slick and Bunny, we must accept that maybe we are measuring by the bar our husbands had set.  I wasn't looking when he came along so will leave it up to fate.

I have joined a few Meet-Up groups that fit my interest and volunteer at a performing arts center.  I am also starting an exercise routine at a rec center.  Keeping myself busy helps keep my mind on other things so I don't dwell on my loneliness.  I really have to push myself to do all these things.  

Slick, I also love politics - but that's an area not to be visited in this forum.

Comment by Bunny on January 4, 2018 at 3:01pm

It will be 7 years this Saturday since my husband passed and yes this has been a very difficult holiday season.  I too envy the couples I have actually cant even watch all the Hallmark movies - I know life isnt a Hallmark movie just cant stand the happily everafter.....This past weekend my elderly neighbor knocked on my door and asked if she could come in for a couple of minutes.  She was seeing two gentlemen and wanted to break it off with one of them so she wrote a letter for the one man and taped it to her door as he was suppose to come and pick her up.  I cant seem to get a quick glance by any man and she has 2 so yeah I spent New Year Eve's alone and depressed.  So I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way.  I still have hope for what I dont know maybe to find someone to share the rest of lifes' journey, but it's fading fast.  

Comment by Maggie on January 3, 2018 at 3:57pm

I had a friend where I use to live that went to a hospice group with me. Her husband died a few months after mine in 2013. I hadn't heard from her in awhile and got an email from her and she got married this past Dec. she is 74 and seemed so happy. My first instinct was feeling envious and then a bit depressed. Of course I was happy for her too, but being honest, these other feelings arose first. And it was envy not of getting married or even having a man in her life, but envy of being happy. I feel guilty feeling that, but there it is. 

I don't feel that that will ever happen to me, partly because I don't want it or do I? Having a man that is.

This holiday was rough on me too and it's almost 5 years now. I don't sense it's the really missing him,  or at least not for me, but more the feeling of missing an important part of a good life...that being a long and happy marriage into old age together. I miss the happiness and sense that all is right in the world (my world.) I miss happiness.

Slick, I stay relatively busy....volunteer once a week at the hospital, a couple of friends I go to lunch or dinner with. I like to garden but I think this winter is going to kill a lot of my plants and I spend a lot of time on my iPad.

But truly most of it is just fluff....rather surface. Bottom line is that we are alone in the deepest sense and somehow we try to come to a sense of peace with that. It is hard work and sometimes tiring.

Comment by Barzan on January 3, 2018 at 1:40pm

Chef John,  I agree that the 5 stages are a hoax.  One of the things that really get me upset is when I'm trying to remember a place or event that he and I were privy to and I have no one that shares that memory with me now.  So, basically, if I can't remember it, it's gone forever.  

Comment by chef (John) on January 3, 2018 at 10:56am

I think I get angry at the universe, not at the couples. (Were that the case, I could start with my own parents--who are now both 83.) Not very productive, but it comes and goes even now. Who knew that any of the so-called "five stages" could last this long?

Comment by Barzan on January 2, 2018 at 7:27am

Mark, I think you stated that well.  I've had 6 years of "why us' moments.  I now am just grateful we had each other for as long as we did.  Trying hard to let go of the anger but it doesn't always work.

Hope you find some comfort this year.

Comment by Mark99 on January 2, 2018 at 7:09am

This thread about anger strikes a resonant chord with me. I am not angry at other couples as much as angry at myself for not saving Donna from death. Yes friends irrational logic in abundance with that statement. I see these happy couples and know they have ups and downs. They will face their own reality. I think about Donna and just trying to make her smile to make me smile and I am not angry or sad just wistful. 

To modulate my anger I think about this CS Lewis quote from A Grief Observed 

‘To some I’m worse than and embarrassment. I am a deaths’s head. Whenever I meet a happily married pair I can feel them both thinking. ‘One or other of us must some day be as he is now.’ 

My pain and anger has only arrived sooner than theirs I must remain strong so I can comfort others about this cluster fuck grief we live in. 

Comment by Barzan on January 1, 2018 at 5:32pm

Hi Chef,

i hope you know that I wasn’t saying our anger isn’t valid. My point was that we can’t hate them because our spouses left too soon but for us to respect that it will be in their future as well.  I don’t know your age but I had just turned 61 when my husband and best friend died.  I felt cheated and still do.  I get upset and angry that those couples are us.  I hope I explained what I meant in my earlier post.  I sure as heck wasn’t being dismissive.

i hope 2018 will be kinder to all of us sharing this journey.

Comment by chef (John) on January 1, 2018 at 3:33pm

Snark away as much as you want, Barzan. FWIW, I *still* have moments when I see older couples together and get angry, knowing that this will never be something I'll ever experience with Judith.

Almost six-and-a-half years later, and I'm in the midst of one of those "feels like yesterday" moments. Thanks for the breathing space, Folks.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on December 31, 2017 at 11:08am

If you don't have plans this evening, pop into the chat room to ring in the new year with other Villagers. You are not alone. We'll be there for all US time zones from 11pm Eastern to 12:30am Pacific.


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