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Widowed in 2011

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Members: 507
Latest Activity: Dec 31, 2018

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Comment by Bunny on April 12, 2018 at 3:26pm

Hi Slick

I know the feelings all to well too!  My husband's birthday was this past Tuesday and live 3 hours from the rest of my family plus I slipped on the ice 3 weeks ago and have a hair line fracture in my knee.  I have one son that lives 2 towns away but he works fulltime and goes to school to continue his education, he helps me when he can.  Plus to make matters worse my sister who lost her husband in 2016 has been able to find someone new so yes the past 7 years has really caught up with me.  I know how hard it is to find friends that like to do things that you like and have a interest in yes there are many days weeks months that I feel so alone.  I am trying to not let these feelings become a person that gives into them.  So fight hard everyday to not let these feelings get you down because you are a strong person because you keep fighting.  We all need to keep fighting and living to maybe prove to ourselves that we are worth the effort to be happy!

Wishing you happiness and peace

Comment by LucyGoo on April 11, 2018 at 3:05pm

So sorry your are feeling this way. As you can see from my last post, I've struggled this past year.  I just can't seem to find my way back to happy.  I'm feeling better than I was - and am hoping that as Spring finally starts to show up here that I'll continue to improve.  I just decided that I had to define the things that did make me happy and make sure that I am finding time for them every day, or nearly every day.  I confided my feelings to a friend who admitted to feeling the same way (her children have moved away and her husband is a nice guy, but not much for activity so she's been feeling isolated).  We've set up a monthly "play date" to do something - more than our usual meals out or shopping.  They haven't all been successful, but it has been good for us.

I've set myself a deadline of June.  If I'm not feeling better by then I think I'll go back to grief counseling. This just isn't the way I want to live.  

Comment by LucyGoo on January 5, 2018 at 6:13pm

Thank you all for sharing so honestly about your holiday season feelings.  I found myself deeply sad this year - more than I have been in recent years.  It surprised me because having passed the 6 year mark I have actually been feeling better for some time.  And, this year I have my granddaughter living with me while she attends school - so there is much more life in my house.  I think that somehow that made the holidays harder.  I've been making a pretty happy or at least satisfying life on my own and suddenly I have have been reminded of all that I lost when I had my mate and best friend here.  I think too that having her in the house just reminds me how far away I am from my old life I have travelled. (Especially since she so wants to know more and more about him.)

Like some of you I think sometimes that it would be nice to have a man in my life again. But I am also not sure I could survive losing another love and I am not interested in making room in my life for a man who would not leave as big a hole as losing Bob did.  Also, I can't imagine actually dating again.  I didn't like it in my younger days and surely don't want to have to do all that "getting to know you" stuff again.  So, unless I magically happen on someone in my day to day activities I think the chances of me finding someone are pretty slim.  In the meantime I will remind myself that I am happy to have life in my house again and live vicariously through all their drama.  (But GEEZ, the noise - completely unaware how quiet my house was!)

Comment by chef (John) on January 5, 2018 at 8:52am

Bottom line is that we are alone in the deepest sense and somehow we try to come to a sense of peace with that. It is hard work and sometimes tiring.

Amen! This is something I can NEVER explain to any of the Don't-get-its who harass me for (Ahem!) *still* being single. 

*************************

I think we don't have a man in our lives because we have high standards.  I won't settle so may remain single the rest of my life.

*Cough!* I think men can have high standards for women as well. :-) Like you, Barzan, I shall not "settle" either--no matter what family members, my few friends or my many acquaintances tell me. I view such "advice" and "concern" as junk mail to be tossed immediately.

Comment by Barzan on January 5, 2018 at 7:55am

I, too, will be at 7 years in June and I, too, had a lonely New Years.   One of my good friend's husband told me recently (we were having a bbq) that men probably find me intimidating.  I had to think about it and accept that he's probably right.  I am self confident and not a push over.  I am well read and worked hard to be well educated.  I don't mention any of these things when encountering men but must exude some sort of signal.  I think we don't have a man in our lives because we have high standards.  I won't settle so may remain single the rest of my life.  My late husband was kind, very intelligent, humble and thoughtful.  He set the bar pretty high.  

So, Slick and Bunny, we must accept that maybe we are measuring by the bar our husbands had set.  I wasn't looking when he came along so will leave it up to fate.

I have joined a few Meet-Up groups that fit my interest and volunteer at a performing arts center.  I am also starting an exercise routine at a rec center.  Keeping myself busy helps keep my mind on other things so I don't dwell on my loneliness.  I really have to push myself to do all these things.  

Slick, I also love politics - but that's an area not to be visited in this forum.

Comment by Bunny on January 4, 2018 at 3:01pm

It will be 7 years this Saturday since my husband passed and yes this has been a very difficult holiday season.  I too envy the couples I have actually cant even watch all the Hallmark movies - I know life isnt a Hallmark movie just cant stand the happily everafter.....This past weekend my elderly neighbor knocked on my door and asked if she could come in for a couple of minutes.  She was seeing two gentlemen and wanted to break it off with one of them so she wrote a letter for the one man and taped it to her door as he was suppose to come and pick her up.  I cant seem to get a quick glance by any man and she has 2 so yeah I spent New Year Eve's alone and depressed.  So I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling this way.  I still have hope for what I dont know maybe to find someone to share the rest of lifes' journey, but it's fading fast.  

Comment by Maggie on January 3, 2018 at 3:57pm

I had a friend where I use to live that went to a hospice group with me. Her husband died a few months after mine in 2013. I hadn't heard from her in awhile and got an email from her and she got married this past Dec. she is 74 and seemed so happy. My first instinct was feeling envious and then a bit depressed. Of course I was happy for her too, but being honest, these other feelings arose first. And it was envy not of getting married or even having a man in her life, but envy of being happy. I feel guilty feeling that, but there it is. 

I don't feel that that will ever happen to me, partly because I don't want it or do I? Having a man that is.

This holiday was rough on me too and it's almost 5 years now. I don't sense it's the really missing him,  or at least not for me, but more the feeling of missing an important part of a good life...that being a long and happy marriage into old age together. I miss the happiness and sense that all is right in the world (my world.) I miss happiness.

Slick, I stay relatively busy....volunteer once a week at the hospital, a couple of friends I go to lunch or dinner with. I like to garden but I think this winter is going to kill a lot of my plants and I spend a lot of time on my iPad.

But truly most of it is just fluff....rather surface. Bottom line is that we are alone in the deepest sense and somehow we try to come to a sense of peace with that. It is hard work and sometimes tiring.

Comment by Barzan on January 3, 2018 at 1:40pm

Chef John,  I agree that the 5 stages are a hoax.  One of the things that really get me upset is when I'm trying to remember a place or event that he and I were privy to and I have no one that shares that memory with me now.  So, basically, if I can't remember it, it's gone forever.  

Comment by chef (John) on January 3, 2018 at 10:56am

I think I get angry at the universe, not at the couples. (Were that the case, I could start with my own parents--who are now both 83.) Not very productive, but it comes and goes even now. Who knew that any of the so-called "five stages" could last this long?

Comment by Barzan on January 2, 2018 at 7:27am

Mark, I think you stated that well.  I've had 6 years of "why us' moments.  I now am just grateful we had each other for as long as we did.  Trying hard to let go of the anger but it doesn't always work.

Hope you find some comfort this year.

 

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