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Widowed in 2011

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Members: 507
Latest Activity: Apr 15

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Comment by LucyGoo on April 15, 2018 at 7:16am

I think, for me, it's about being alone.  I don't mean lonely.  I am very fortunate to have a community of friends and family to spend time with, and having grown up as the much younger child with distant parents, I am really comfortable being by myself and entertaining myself - but I just so often feel profoundly alone.  I miss having a partner, a buddy, someone as Maggie wrote, who always had my back.

Comment by Maggie on April 15, 2018 at 6:12am

I've been reading all these comments and can relate to them all. I'm only at 5 yrs, but once you pass that mark, I think we are all closer in how we feel, especially if we are still not involved with a man. I, for one, am not looking and just can't see it ever happening at my age (71). 

I have made a life...moved, bought my own home, made a few new friends, volunteer once a week, stay busy yada, yada yada.

But the point I most relate to is the friendship issue. I have no friends from long ago like high school, or where I use to work etc. I do have my ex SIL sharing my home, but she has a guy and is gone most of the time. I do have a couple of new friends I go out to eat with etc. but sometimes I view these as temporary friends, as there hasn't been the time to build long deep friendship. 

Mostly I just feel physically and mentally tired...the struggle to stay busy, keep social etc. 

I have no children or grandchildren...no family but a brother who is not nearby.

So I still really feel the loss of my husband. We were married 28 years and were always together. I so miss having that feeling that "someone had your back." We were happy even with some problems with his adjustment to retirement and I believe depression he had in the last few years of his life. But I just don't feel I'll ever have that closeness again. You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. I think it's because mostly the others seem to have a complete life..fulfilled and I don't have a  sense of this.

I expressed in another place how sometimes I feel it was all so long ago, like another life and this in itself makes me sad. The first year or two after his death, I still felt close in time to him and now it has faded. Plus getting older myself, I know it's all going to go someday..all our memories...gone.

well as you can see I'm in a melancholy mood today and I'm rambling.

Comment by Cee on April 12, 2018 at 3:52pm

I don't know if I should say I am glad to see others feeling the same way or should be sorry for all of us for having a return of the "sads". Some days I feel like I am losing it and am ready to give up and just crawl into a little ball and forget about the world around me.  I wonder if it is usual to go through these cycles. I too thought I should be doing better by now and, except for one Dr who said I had a morbid grief reaction, people think I am doing well because I am involved in a few groups and activities and do get out of the house - not very far away from home. This past week I just found any excuse I could to not go out as I was feeling so down I just didn't want to be around anyone. I hope this passes and I can find a little peace.

  HUGS to all of you, it is so wonderful to have you here to share these feelings with.

Comment by Slick on April 12, 2018 at 3:36pm

Oh Bunny , thank you so much..your words are comforting, I feel so much less alone at this point ...in my loss...7 years later I never expected to have weeks of being down....days?? yes...they come and go....but this year has just been bad...nothing seems to be working.....but I keep trying...one day at a time...I am sorry you got hurt...I had cancer and I think all of these things are so much harder without our husbands..but we manage to get through it all..somehow...we are strong...sometimes I get so tired anymore of fighting to get through a day...now I am trying to take those few days of exhaustion and pampering myself..even if I do nothing but rest...and try again...

Back to you Bunny.....happiness and peace...

Comment by Bunny on April 12, 2018 at 3:26pm

Hi Slick

I know the feelings all to well too!  My husband's birthday was this past Tuesday and live 3 hours from the rest of my family plus I slipped on the ice 3 weeks ago and have a hair line fracture in my knee.  I have one son that lives 2 towns away but he works fulltime and goes to school to continue his education, he helps me when he can.  Plus to make matters worse my sister who lost her husband in 2016 has been able to find someone new so yes the past 7 years has really caught up with me.  I know how hard it is to find friends that like to do things that you like and have a interest in yes there are many days weeks months that I feel so alone.  I am trying to not let these feelings become a person that gives into them.  So fight hard everyday to not let these feelings get you down because you are a strong person because you keep fighting.  We all need to keep fighting and living to maybe prove to ourselves that we are worth the effort to be happy!

Wishing you happiness and peace

Comment by Slick on April 11, 2018 at 3:22pm

Lucy..thank you...I went back and read your last post...I'm sorry you are going through this too...not surprised that grief comes back..the past year starting with my daughter's 20th anniversary in August has been rougher then in the past few years...I thought of a grief group again..but didn't know if sitting there with my story of at 7 years still suffering would be welcomed to new widows..wouldn't give them much hope...I was going to start with a one on one again but there was a big mix up on Monday...I was so disappointed...your put it perfectly..."not being able to find your way back to happy" I met a woman at a group and we have had lunch once or twice a month for the past 4 years...all of a sudden without a word....her and her husband are moving, and she has no time...I'm so glad I went to lunch on the days she wanted to go to the restaurants she wanted to go at the time she always wanted to go.....I learned a hard lesson...all my girlfriends have passed young so here I sit..Alone. I have tried and tried so many different things...nothing seems to last for long...thank you for writing Lucy...I wish you peace.

Comment by LucyGoo on April 11, 2018 at 3:05pm

So sorry your are feeling this way. As you can see from my last post, I've struggled this past year.  I just can't seem to find my way back to happy.  I'm feeling better than I was - and am hoping that as Spring finally starts to show up here that I'll continue to improve.  I just decided that I had to define the things that did make me happy and make sure that I am finding time for them every day, or nearly every day.  I confided my feelings to a friend who admitted to feeling the same way (her children have moved away and her husband is a nice guy, but not much for activity so she's been feeling isolated).  We've set up a monthly "play date" to do something - more than our usual meals out or shopping.  They haven't all been successful, but it has been good for us.

I've set myself a deadline of June.  If I'm not feeling better by then I think I'll go back to grief counseling. This just isn't the way I want to live.  

Comment by Slick on April 11, 2018 at 9:12am

Hi everyone. I thought this was the best group to post on since we are all in about the same place...maybe.

Bill passed on 3/1/2011....he was 54...he passed after a lengthy cancer battle. I retired at 54 when he was dx to be his FT caregiver...he passed on my middle daughters birthday ..my losses started with her..she was 21 and died in a car accident ..so now I have her birthday and his anniversary on the same day. I have learned to live with it...in between the 2 I lost my only sister, my cousin who was as close as my sister , and 2 of my closest friends from childhood,,I have 2 other daughters...who have been great to me and 3 grandchildren. I do want my daughters to not worry about me and live their lives as much as I want to live mine...here lies the problem..as many things as I have tried ..and believe me I have tried it all...I cannot make a life for myself...I am very alone. I have made friends ..and as soon as I don't want to do what they want, or go to a movie they pick, I 'm out....I have no problem with a few women going to see a movie I don't want to see and then meeting them for lunch..but they had a problem with it....I have taken courses....gone to lectures...volunteered for brilliant oncologists, physicists, etc for 2 years until my youngest grandson was born...I've even tried dating...made a couple of friends but that's it. they are more e-mail/text buddies...I don't ever see them..they are working , taking care of elderly parents..etc....so here I am all of a sudden grieving my husband like he passed yesterday...I went back 7 years and it's like he just left....anyone else experience this..?? any advise...???  It's actually worse now then it was the first year...his birthday , anniversay and our anniversary all hit me very hard this year...and are all within less then 2 months....

Comment by LucyGoo on January 5, 2018 at 6:13pm

Thank you all for sharing so honestly about your holiday season feelings.  I found myself deeply sad this year - more than I have been in recent years.  It surprised me because having passed the 6 year mark I have actually been feeling better for some time.  And, this year I have my granddaughter living with me while she attends school - so there is much more life in my house.  I think that somehow that made the holidays harder.  I've been making a pretty happy or at least satisfying life on my own and suddenly I have have been reminded of all that I lost when I had my mate and best friend here.  I think too that having her in the house just reminds me how far away I am from my old life I have travelled. (Especially since she so wants to know more and more about him.)

Like some of you I think sometimes that it would be nice to have a man in my life again. But I am also not sure I could survive losing another love and I am not interested in making room in my life for a man who would not leave as big a hole as losing Bob did.  Also, I can't imagine actually dating again.  I didn't like it in my younger days and surely don't want to have to do all that "getting to know you" stuff again.  So, unless I magically happen on someone in my day to day activities I think the chances of me finding someone are pretty slim.  In the meantime I will remind myself that I am happy to have life in my house again and live vicariously through all their drama.  (But GEEZ, the noise - completely unaware how quiet my house was!)

Comment by Slick on January 5, 2018 at 9:11am

Yep...I agree with all that's been said...Oh Barzan I would never bring Politics here....I am very happy watching and going to lectures on the subject..of course alone....I have always set the bar where I believe it should be set for me.....I have been married twice...after Bill passed...my ex husband told me I would never be able to date..because I am too complex and very intimidating to some....not that he found fault with this because he knew my kind loving, gentle side....but felt most men wouldn;t bother taking the time to get to know me...so I think after many years I lowered my standards....bad mistake..he was narcissistic , mean, crazy, liar, and very mean, insulting, offensive and ride to me...some of the things he told me about himself....his past made me want to run..but I froze...narcissists can do that to the strongest...I have finally gotten rid of him...I still have a thought of something he said to me...do I doubt myself anymore ..NOPE!! thank God...so I am taking one day at a time....trying to find places to go to meet men and women...just want to have some fun....day and weekend trips, dinner, lunch, a movie,......I was never looking for a relationship.....companionship a couple of days a week is fine with me.....I wish everyone here...peace, love , happiness in their lives....I have accepted being alone about 5 years after Bill passed...so I work with it best I can..

 

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