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Widowed in 2011

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Comment by Scrapbooker1301 on September 11, 2018 at 6:03pm

Hi. I’m new here. My adorable husband Dan was diagnosed with lung cancer the end of September 2011. He went into cardiac arrest two weeks before Christmas due to the harsh chemo drugs he was receiving. I’m drowning. Still, 7 years later. I don’t know how to live my life. So much other crap going on, which just adds to the pain of my everyday life. A friend recommended this forum. I need help. 

Comment by Mark99 on August 29, 2018 at 11:14am

Dianne thank you for the kind words. I will note that it was pretty much my mom who got me to this point. As a kid she would have all of us but especially me do chores, laundry, learn to cook. sew, iron, etc. One day at age 12 or so I said, "Why do I need to learn this?" Her response was spot on, "I want you to marry for the right reasons love. Not for a maid." Well that is pretty much the story of Donna and me. I didn't marry for her cooking etc. And I am not in an emotional state where I need to have done for me things. I rue day when that comes but not yet. 

John I totally get that day march. For me it is about a month prior to August 7. Never will I understand how it suddenly hits me when I feel I got this... nope. I think this year was especially tough since I had posted a lot on what I call dying season ... those days. Be well friend. 

Comment by chef (John) on August 29, 2018 at 5:47am

Diane: We have something in common. My 30-day march is from Judith's death date to our anniversary...followed by her birthday four days later. I wish you strength, success and fortitude in coping with things during this time. Hugs.

Comment by Dianne in Nevada on August 28, 2018 at 9:53pm

I'm a 2010er so I hope you don't mind if I jump in here. Your conversation caught my attention - especially the last paragraph of your comment, Mark99. I have shared similar thoughts … "I will see someone. Someone will see me. And poof …" and been told that is not at all realistic. Was nice to see someone else say it - and a man at that. I'll be reading your book/blog.

I'm a few days into my 30 day march between wedding anniversary and my guy's death. I've been doing random acts of kindness on our anniversary since 2014, which helps me a lot. This year would have been #49. And I read my CaringBridge journal during this time … memories. Some good. Some really hard. But it feels like a right of passage I must take each year. To remember those cancer years and all they held. And to embrace those final 4 precious days in hospice.

Comment by Mark99 on August 28, 2018 at 5:56am

John, yup snicker is about right for me now as well. Thinking about your comments I would agree grief and love are not inversely proportional and to think otherwise is an exercise in statical bullshit. At least to me. 

Ahhh the entire closure trope. At this point after the years of thinking, writing, and listening to others here and other venues I find I am at peace with where I am at. Some may say I am conflating denial with a river in Egypt but it is a peace with my current state.

Lonely? Yes at times. Wanting to just find something to fill that void is not an exercise I wish to partake. Donna and I happened at a natural organic moment. It just was. As my ink says amor vincit omnia (love conquers all) et nos cedamus amori (and let us yield to love) I am not combine in a wheat field harvesting relationships to fill my emotional pantry. I will see someone. Someone will see me. And poof or not... You all remain a valuable source for me...

Comment by chef (John) on August 27, 2018 at 12:00pm

Mark99:

There are several items in the article with which I would agree, notably

"...the size of the grief corresponds to the depth of the love. I agree because I know it first hand..."

and

"Closure"...I am wavering between Growl!!! and *Snicker!* here. (In the earlier days, I wanted to smack every single person who told me that I needed "closure".)

Comment by Mark99 on August 27, 2018 at 4:59am

“This Too Shall Pass When I Say So And On My Terms” Have you like me wondered, "Do I have my grief right?     https://www.donnathebook.com/blog/2018/8/25/this-too-shall-pass-because-i-say-so-on-my-terms

Comment by LucyGoo on August 19, 2018 at 8:06am

Not crazy at all!  What a lovely way to honor him and make a positive out of this strange thing.  You have inspired me to get more creative.  

Comment by Barzan on August 18, 2018 at 6:46pm

Lucy, this may sound crazy but I use the “deathaversary” to make however many years since he’s been gone plans and resolutions for the next 12 months.  As an example, his mom and I visited 7 states we’ve never been to.  I am reading 7 of his books.  I have 7 projects to complete - 3 done so far on the house.   I am doing 7 things to help out shelters, food banks and things for people who need help - 4 so far.  There are other things but this will give you an idea.  The best part is that family and friends have gotten involved.  THis coming week we will complete the 7 states with 3 we haven’t seen yet.  

Comment by LucyGoo on August 18, 2018 at 4:26pm

Well, here it is, "deathaversary" number 7.  Not sure how I feel this year.  Still hard to believe so much time has passed, until I look at all that has changed.  I still live in the same place and am fortunate to have many of the same friends, but it's all so different.  And, all still tinged with sadness. 

 

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