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Latest Activity: 35 minutes ago
I lost my best friend and husband on March 12th at 5:05 AM. He had a heart transplant on January 27th 1996. We were blessed to have 15 more years together thanks to the generosity of his organ donor. Although I am so grateful for the time we had I so miss him. It seems to get worse instead of better.
I do get so tired of hearing those words "I can only imagine". I often want to scream "Why would even want to imagine? Just tell me you're sorry, you're thinking of me, whatever." It just points out the already glaring difference between our lives. I know they care, but I ask myself every day when the pain isn't going to be so fresh.
I totally hate the word "I" too. It's almost like a punch in the stomach to have to use it. But then you forget and use "we" and that doesn't feel any better. I had to fill out a form at the doctor's and checked all 3 boxes- married, widowed, and single. The doctor didn't say a word.
Whoknows - How did I miss that you just said the same thing? :) Feels so good to not be alone on these things! Steph
It is so good to hear from others about things that I feel so alone with.
The idea that time seems to have slowed to a crawl -- yes it does seem that way. I thought perhaps I was being home alone too much and that I could be try getting out more. That worked - for about 4 hours before I could feel myself wanting to unravel because there is no 'place' that meets my desire to have my husband back.
Filling out forms, or having conversations about I/Me vs Us/We-- Yes - so hard!
I now have a 5 acre place that has a lot of mowing, which is fine because I have a tractor. I am pushing myself to 'get caught up' with outside work; and yesterday despite being busy and enjoying the birds, sunshine and progress, I just started crying.
I keep thinking if there is a quota of tears, I must be getting closer to done.......doubt it :)
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