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Latest Activity: Apr 15
Hi Barb: Welcome back from Las Vegas. I hope you had a lot of fun and did not lose too much money. I have missed talking with you in this venue. I will check out the chat later tonite. Busy with lots of work, so sometimes I don't stop til very late.
DonnaReid, I lost my soulmate and loving husband on January 20th 2011, so I know how you are feeling and empathize with everything you say. It has amazed me how ignorant many people are, including friends, as to what they say. I too have limited myself to a select few exceptional friends who I have "let into my world of horror." Yes they know that I would prefer to be dead to try and find my husband or if nothing else to be put out of my continuous misery. And yes,while it hurts them to hear me say I wish I were dead, they know that I am not going to do anything rash, at this point in time. I will say, as a woman who has always been known as a go getter and a strong person, the loss of my husband has reduced me to a mere shadow of myself. IF I am still feeling this way a year from now (assuming I can withstand the pain), I may be forced to look at other options. I just cannnot seem to get my head around finding the new me, as I don't want to. I just want my husband back and if I cannot have him back, then I really do not want to live. I will make every effort to try and get past this gut wrenching pain and if I am not successful, it just does not make sense to go on living a life of misery. I hope for both of us that our pain eases, as others further into this proces have said it does. So you know my husband was a strong athletic 55 year old male in excellent health. He died from complications of surgery. Totally unexpected by even his surgeon and anyone that knew him. He was the strongest, most fit guy around. Everyone is astounded and I am left to pick up the pieces. How this happened is beyond me...I am having the hospital records investigated right now and I am filled with rage toward his surgeon and the entire medical profession.
Please let me know how you are doing? My thoughts are with you and I totally understand how you feel.
It looks like I'm the newest member of the group that no one wants to belong to. I lost my husband on Feb. 11th, the day before our 39th wedding anniversary. His death was totally unexpected. I woke up thinking he was late to work and found him cold and lifeless. No history of illness, recently got a clean bill of health from the doctor. I'm STILL waiting for the autopsy report but the physician who performed the autopsy has said it was a heart attack.
I put on an oscar winning performance by day but at night the real me comes out...crying, angry, confused, shaking, avoiding others, plotting my suicide when the pain gets nearly unbearable. I just finished reading Joyce Carol Oates book "A Widow's Story" where she writes:
"Where some may be frightened by the thought, the temptation, of suicide, the widow is consoled by the temptation of suicide. For suicide promises A good night's sleep--with no interruptions! And no next-day"
No, I'm not suicidal. But the "thought" of suicide has gotten me through many a night. This book truly helped get me through the last 12 weeks. Joyce writes about the days leading up to and shortly after the death of her husband. I have dozens of post it note tabs sticking out of the book on the pages that I wanted to revisit.
I'm so sorry to be here and sorry that you are all here as well. I feel like I am in one of the lifeboats from the Titanic with all of you....only much worse. Thanks for being here! I've read all of your posts and look forward to many more.
I am not counting the days since my husband's death.
I don't know how many weeks it has been.
He died on Jan, 19th, 2011.
Knowing that day and knowing that I made it through to today is enough.
At first I was comfortably numb and had friends and family checking to see what they could do for me, just checking, not jumping in and doing, not realizing that I needed them to just Do and not Ask. Because they saw me functioning like normal, they thought I did not need help. How could I tell them what I needed when it took everything I had to just breath. How could I ask them for comfort when they were struggling to find their own way. How could I ask them to do the things that helped me get up and make it through the day.
Then the numbness slipped into non-stop crying, the friends and family started to slip away.
Going back to work at the same company where he also worked was Hell. It was too soon. It was the only financial option. There was no way to escape the painful reminders. Navigating the social maze of politeness and superficial condolences played havoc with my befuddled mind and heart. It was an unavoidable mistake.
As I started to feel again the anger kicked in, anger at the cancer, anger at the doctors, anger at the hospital, anger at his family for disappearing, anger at my family for having their own difficult lives, anger at friends who said things without thought, anger at my job and its necessity, anger at my husband for not helping me to prepare for him being gone, anger at him for being gone, anger at myself for all the "missed" moments and signs, anger that I was not enough.
A bit of numbness crept back in to protect me from my own anger, a small break, then back to crying.
So I started fighting, again. As a caregiver, I fought the disease, the insurance, the bills, and anything that stood in the way of his healing. Now I fight for my home, my pets, my job, my sanity.
I still cry, even though it is less often the tears come from a deeper part of my soul. Now I am crying for me and not just for the hole and silence he left behind.
The numbness is being replaced by awareness. The pain is no longer dull, it now has sharp edges.
I am afraid of what will happen when all the residual battles are over. I am afraid of all the major changes that are still ahead of me. I am afraid of losing more.
I don't know who I am now or who I will become, I do know that I am here now and that I have a long road to finding that new self.
I have a pact with the pain and tears; let me get through the day and at 6:00pm the floor is all yours. I have a deal with myself: get through the week and then do something special for yourself.
I am not an easy person to be around right now. I am moody, quiet, quick to react and quick to regret, out of balance with the rest of the world. I do not have the inner resources to protect the world from the raw emotions that sit just below my skin.
I feel alone and lonely.
I don't want others too close.
The friendship fatalities caught me off guard, I was not prepared for how difficult the change in my role in life would be on casual relationships. My field of friends has slimmed down to the few who don't pretend, those who are willing to let me go through the grieving process in my own way and time. The ones who don't expect me to be a widow silhouette.
I am concealing myself from those few special few.
I don't want the people I care for to understand.
I don't want them to know what this pain feels like.
Saw your name earlier in chat - said hi - but I missed you. I am glad to tell you that I am healing a little. I cry - not as longs, not as often. YOu do get some relief with time, - and I think about you often and pray some of the pain will let up for you as I know you are in pain. Come in the chat room Abby they will help you ----I will keep you in my prayers along with another widow friend and myself. It will be ok, Abby---------------take small steps...........
Dawn: You said everything I am feeling. I have so far endured just over 100 days of gut wrenching misery to find myself up and down from minute to minute. Mostly I have to say down. I have sought out grief counselling and while it is a very difficult process I feel that every week I have someone who will listen to me cry, try to put things in context for me and help move me through the process. I have to say I am not an easy "patient" for her. This may not be for everyone but if you are finding that nothing is working for you, I would definitely recommend that you speak with your family doctor to see if they know a good counsellor. It is also important that you "connect" with that person or you will be wasting your time. If I have any positive advice to give, that would be one thing that I would recommend to those of you who are open to this idea. I hope tomorrow brings some sunshine into all of our lives.
I want to share a beautiful and comforting card I received today.
"When today is too much to bear, slip back to yesterdy and feel the love. Remember the closeness,the happiness, the strenght. These things you shared with your husband will be with you forever"
I hope this brings you comfort as it did me.
Do you think his mother would like to know that he picked out that card for her? I think that might be a special gift for her on Mother's day. Just a thought. Best wishes.
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