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Latest Activity: Oct 14
Well Hello Ladies.. here we are the fresh widows of 2011.. it just totally sucks. My emotions go 360 and then back again.. I am finding the first challenge to survive, now to exist, and I guess the next challenge will to be fully functional.. Baby steps.. I am back to work, cause my looks wont pay the electric bill.. I am finding the nights to be rough..
I have started a blog to help me cope day by day.. here is the site address
Hope to be able to exchange more with you.... be well
Hi patter; welcome to the Widowed in 2011 group (and that is a sad welcome to give anyone, I have to say).
Infection was a constant fear throughout my husband's illness and it meant we had to avoid family and friends when we needed their company most. I realised about 2 months into the journey that I had more fear about the complications we were beset with than the cancer itself, that many cancer patients die of these complications first. We had blood clots to deal with, a bowel abscess, all the side effects of the medication and chemo and radiation, seizures, etc. I think we were admitted to Emergency about 6 or 7 times over the 9 month period, and each time left me feeling more fragile, more desperate. Knowing a blood clot could kill him in a heartbeat, that if didn't wash my hands properly before I made a meal for him he might die, that a seizure could happen at any moment and I might not be able to save him again; I couldn't sleep, couldn't relax, couldn't drop my guard. I was on watch 24/7 and it was exhausting in every way.
I have mixed emotions for the hospital and medical team too, including anger. Some decisions were made that I didn't feel comfortable with but I also didn't feel I could argue for a different strategy. That causes guilt for me now, that I didn't fight for my husband when I should have. Hindsight is wonderful, I know, and if I'd pushed for the options I'd wanted, there's no guarantee the outcome would have been any different. All the same, my husband trusted me to get him through it and, just now, I feel like I failed. That's something I have to work on.
I'm still 'wife' too, and very much in love.
My husband died on Jan 26th.. he had cancer, but that is not what killed him. he died from a blood infection contracted in the ICU.. He was just too weak to fight it off. I have alot of anger towards the hospital, that will never go away. We were married for 31 years, met as teenagers and the rest is history. I will always love my husband.. I still consider myself as his wife..
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