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This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

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Widowed in 2011

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Members: 508
Latest Activity: Aug 7

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Comment by Gail on July 6, 2014 at 9:27am

Stephen,

I remember the movie, "Groundhog Day".  You're absolutely right!  It's like that.  I wake up every day thinking, "here we go again...another day to get through".

Sorry you had a nightmare.  That's truly upsetting.  I know that I dream, but I don't remember most of my dreams either.  I think maybe you weren't supposed to remember it.  Maybe it was just meant to "scare" you into appreciating the fact that it wan't real.

(((Peace)))

G

Comment by katpilot on July 6, 2014 at 9:03am

I woke at 2 this morning from a terrible nightmare. Kathy was in it and it was horrific. I can't understand this but I got out of bed and turned on the lights and five minutes later I was trying hopelessly  to remember the dream. Maybe I'm going mad or maybe it's just a self preservation thing. I don't know. I just know I was more upset when I woke than I ever remembered from a nightmare. Now I don't even know what it was about. Never did that before either.  

Do you all remember "Groundhog Day"?  It's like we wake up every morning with the same reality like it was yesterday.  Bill Murray described in the movie about a wonderful day he spent with a beautiful girl on a beach, and then he said "That was a pretty good day. Why couldn't I have that that one?" Don't we all feel kind of like that?

Comment by Gail on July 6, 2014 at 7:53am

Hey Slick,

It's okay...cry away.  We don't mind.  I'll mix my tears with yours, because I've been crying too.  

I hope it was a comfort that you had that dream of Bill holding your hand.  I would love to have a dream like that.  I haven't had any dreams of Dave and I'm beginning to wonder why I haven't. 

I totally understand your feelings...I think we all do.  We don't want to be without the person we shared our lives with and thought we would grow old with.  I know that I feel cheated.  Especially when I see other couples together.

Hang in there.  Peace to you!

(((Hugs)))

G

Comment by Sharmann on July 4, 2014 at 9:35pm
I also just hot the three year mark. I guess, given the name of this group,we are all in the same time frame. I miss Steve all the time. I think about him all the time. I have continued living my life, but it is just not the same without him. I thought about him tonight as I was driving home from spending the day with some friend, and watching the fireworks exploding in the sky around me. I would have made him take me to a firework show. I love them. He tolerated them. But he would have been right there by my side, holding my hand. I cherish the love we shared. It was amazing and I know that not everyone gets to experience that kind of love in their lives. I feel so blessed to have had that love with him. Is this the lesson I am supposed to learn from all of this? I don't know. I'm feeling a wierd sort of peace tonight and I know I am rambling on. Hugs to you all.
Comment by Sanmora on July 4, 2014 at 12:06pm

Here I am at the three year mark. I've made lots of changes in my life, but it is still difficult and empty. I now volunteer with a grief counseling group, and recently started working as a Family Services Assistant at a funeral home. Jobs I never would have been interested in a few years ago, but they suit me now. I don't find them depressing. They are comforting and helpful. I miss the old me and wish she was still here, but I am doing ok. Friends are suggesting that I should be dating, but I just can't see that happening in my future. Guess I just wanted to check in with the group again. Three years--it is a lifetime and also a minute.

Comment by katpilot on July 4, 2014 at 10:46am

I just want to ad something.  I was fortunate indeed to have found grief counseling in my first year. I live in a place which has the best hospice in the country and I am so aware of that. Kathy ended her life in a hospice home for the last five days. Because of this, they kept calling and writing me to let me know that they were there for me. They provided grief counseling and group meetings for thirteen months which got you past the first demark. At first I didn't want it and thought I was strong enough to get through it. Hah! I was on the floor after two months. A grief counselor came to my home whenever I needed it and there was no cost of any kind. What made me feel so comfortable was that she was a widow herself of eight years. She got her advanced degree after her husband died and so I think she had an uncanny understanding of what I was going through. It saved my life and so did the group sessions which met once every two weeks. People rarely could even speak the first time as I would be too. After a while, I began to release and listening to each person speak brought a tear to my eye which is why a Kleenex box was in the center of our circle. So few men were present and I think it was because most men felt they were stronger than that. Feeling their pain was not much different than being here and I am so glad today I have found my way to this site. After the thirteenth month, it was expected that we move on with a list of web sites to join in. Since my dad died in a hospice home four months after Kathy left, I stayed a bit longer. But the point I am trying to make is that counseling is not a bad idea if you feel the need is too great. I doubt I would be alive had it not been there. Some of us are not as strong as others and I was as weak as they get. I just wanted to die in the worst way.

Since then, I have lost my mother and father in law with whom I was very attached and now I am the responsible person for my 95 year old step mom who is as I speak in the hospital with another issue caused by her congestive heart failure. I feel overwhelmed again at this impending loss which I know is only a matter of time and kind of drained by the requirements of caring for her. I feel the need to seek out counseling again because it helped me before and though I will have to pay for it, I know what tools are available to me to survive. Kathy would be the first to push me through that door. 

All that being said, I would say that counseling is not a bad idea should you feel the need.  I don't think it is the same as a therapist. They never tell you what you should feel but they do give you insight to why you hurt so badly and turn you on to tools that can help.

One little thing I remember was a suggestion that I write down the horrible things my brother said to me or friends who said the BS we've all heard... on a piece of paper and throw it into the trash where it belongs.

Sorry to go on so long and please don't think me judgmental should you not want what I did. We all deal with our own grief in our own way. I'm just letting others know what is out there.

Comment by Gail on July 4, 2014 at 9:24am

Gordy's Widow ~

Thanks.  It really is tough to take when friends disappoint, isn't it?  

Yeah, don't think I see a therapist in my future.  I'm just going to do what you said...recreate myself.  Wonder what I'll turn into...?  :-)

G

Comment by Gordy's widow on July 4, 2014 at 9:19am

Gail we walk in the same shoes it is so hard to get over loosing your mate, but then to be abandoned by ones so called friends it makes it even harder..... and no I agree with you I don't think a therapist would help... I really don't see how... you h ave to recreate your self and find a whole new circle of friends ( folks here not excluded of course ) but folks IRL......very hard to do ...... 

Comment by Gaining Strength on July 3, 2014 at 6:49am

Gail,

I am so glad you came back. Sometimes when I read what my peers at WV write, I hear my own thoughts expressed in their words. That is one of the beautiful things about this site. We express each other's feelings. I find even when my friends are sympathetic, there is a point at which they do not want to indulge me any further. My children and I have lost close people since his death. I am trying to concentrate more on my job and anything else to fill the day. I feel at loose ends with no anchor. When my husband was alive, we seemed to have more connection. I do not know what it is but we get blown off now. Easy to forget I guess. 

Comment by Gail on July 3, 2014 at 6:17am

I've been feeling down for about two weeks and haven't felt much like writing, but I realized that this place helps me.  So much!  

I don't feel that I can put my thoughts into words very well.  So many of you here on this site have expressed yourselves so eloquently and as I read your words I am thinking that it could have been me writing.  It's amazing (and strangely comforting) to know that we are all going through similar emotions and problems.

Right now, a friend who I thought would never hurt me has disappointed me and I am feeling the sting.  She has never experienced even one loss in her entire life.  She doesn't understand my pain.  Now I feel like I don't have anyone in my life who cares about me.

I MISS DAVE!!! I feel like screaming it out loud.  I'm crying as I write this.  

My daughters want me to go see a therapist.  I just don't know if it will help.  The thought of sitting there and crying and wailing in front of a stranger does not appeal to me.  And besides how will that fix the obvious problem that so-called friends abandoned me?  And I'm alone...ALL THE TIME!!!

I'm so looking forward to getting together with a few of the other members here on the site in about a week.  

(((Hugs)))

G

 

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