Widowed in 2011

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Comment by kittymom on April 6, 2012 at 12:29am

TommiJ, My heart goes out to you! I completely understand what you went through. It sounds like your husband's family respected you just as much as my husband's daughter! LOL If you ever want to privately talk about it on here, I am sure my story will help you feel better. Of course I was angry all the years I was disrespected, but this went to a whole new level after my husband died. Now I think about it every now and then but am so happy I don't have to see her ever again! We have to keep reminding ourselves how much we gave and how much it meant to our husbands. As long as what I did made my husband happy, it didn't matter to me that his daughter never appreciated anything I did. We know we are good people and if other people don't respect us, it is their loss. Hugs to you!

Comment by Tommi on April 5, 2012 at 10:49pm

Do I get a t-shirt???  I survived my probable last meeting with my husband's offspring.  We were in a 6 month battle over my husband's estate.  They came today and picked up their stuff (photos, momentos, etc).  It wasn't the fact that his daughter said practically nothing to me, that her attorney husband who was very mean to me during this fight, tried to be nice to me.....not it was the fact that their children ages 5 -14 saw me, looked at, stopped what they were doing, and walked away from me.  I guess i had hoped they would be shielded from this mess, but evidently not.   As difficult as it was, it was to me another step that I have completed in this process....another thing off the list to what I hope is a future that brings me some happiness or at least the chance to just be for a while.....

Comment by Joyce on April 5, 2012 at 9:37pm

@AEDFOREVER:  I'm not a member of suddenly widowed so I can't respond there, my husband died in October of 2011 but after he died I was afraid and paranoid all the time, I was really afraid to be in the house by myself, I slept with most of the house lights on.  I feel more comfortable now and only sleep with some nightlights.   I heard it's not good to make any major decisions in the first year and it is still so early for you.  I'd hate to see you move too fast and be sorry later, take baby steps for now. 

Comment by Joyce on April 5, 2012 at 9:27pm

@T2:  Having a connection with someone who understands is wonderful.  Crying seems to come and go with all of us.  Hugs to you.

Comment by Lisa on April 5, 2012 at 8:25pm

I am 6 months out and I think the frozen feeling I had at the beginning is melting as more time passes and I realize - this is really my life.  I am alone raising my children.  My husband is gone forever and I will never be able to see him or hug him or talk to him again.  I will never hear his sweet voice tell me how much he loves me or encourage me when I'm having terrible times.  So hard to take.  I have isolated myself very much but not intentionally.  It just sort of happened.  I realized I felt that no one could understand how I'm feeling and I felt like most of the people in my life were moving on and it felt like they were leaving me behind and I CRAVE a connection with someone other than my therapist or Pastor.  Seriously, we need this in our lives.  As we open ourselves up to this connection, we feel vulnerable.  What if they hurt us?  What if we hurt them?  What do I really want?  This connection sort of opens up those emotional pathways that got sorta blocked and distorted when I lost my husband.  It's scary and emotional.

Stay aware of how you're feeling and why you're making the choices that you're making and I think you'll make good decisions.  Try not to listen to people who have no idea what they are talking about, although they are most likely well intentioned. And, listen to yourself and take care of yourself.  No one knows how you feel better than you do.

Lisa

Comment by Stumbling (Susan) on April 5, 2012 at 7:54pm

To have a connection is wonderful.  And crying is what we should do.  It is healthy. 

Comment by t2 on April 5, 2012 at 7:38pm

thank you. to clarify...i'm not dating, just kinda have a connection. i'm crying more now than i have yet. i guess nothing should surprise me.

Comment by Stumbling (Susan) on April 5, 2012 at 7:15pm

t2, enjoy it.  There is nothing wrong with it at all.  I wish you and Chris the very best.  We all deserve to find a little happiness!

Comment by chris on April 5, 2012 at 7:08pm

t2, I am six months out and I have have been seeing someone for a couple of months. It is, as you say, very interesting. Everyone seems to have an opinion about when you should date, but you have to decide for yourself. I have felt that I'm cheating on my wife, but I know that I am not. I have felt that I must not have loved her enough, but I know that I did. Life is complicated and doesn't fit into preset molds. I have also worried if I am ready for this, ready to think about marriage, if I'm being fair to my girlfriend, and a zillion other things. My therapist told me just to enjoy her. If we can't enjoy each other now then all of my other worries are moot. When I get caught up in myself I write "EG" (Enjoy Girlfriend) on my hand. Silly, but it helps keep me centered.

Some people have warned me that love and sex are just band aids over the scab that is my grief. Maybe, I don't know, but I kinda wish I could get a whole box of these band aids at the drug store :-).

There are a number of real concerns with this type of relationship (rebound is one), but I don't think it is a reason to avoid a relationship per say. Even in the best of circumstances relationships can be difficult. Ultimately I feel I have to move ahead anyway I can. I'd rather try something new and screw up royally than stay frozen in the same place. I figure there is a lot more pain coming so I might as well grab what happiness I can when I can.

There is a "men only" group where this kinda thing is sometimes discussed. You might want to check it out. There are a lot of forums that talk about it too. Good luck.

Comment by t2 on April 5, 2012 at 4:07am

i seem to be more lost now than i ever have been. i understand the "ride" and i have anticipated the ups and downs. but...i seem to have been blindsided by certain emotions. my wife has been gone now for 24 weeks, and it appears that i am supposed to be "getting better." i have had a very interesting experience thus far. and yes...i know we all have. but...i have a unique situation in that a woman who lost her husband has given me hope...and therefore given me happiness. everything all of us do is going to be complicated...and i'm afraid i may have just overcomplicated it. i'm trying. and i am grateful for her...and for all of you.

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