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Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

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Born in the  70s

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Comment by Bentley B on Saturday

Hi.  My name is Julie and I am 41 years young.  My husband Daniel completed suicide at the age of 42 on April 8th, 2020 in our bathroom.  I was the one to find him at 5:43 am.  I’m looking for friends who understand and a safe place to take this journey so thank you for having me!

Comment by setlib on June 18, 2020 at 5:03am

ChillPenguin,

I just want to reach out and give you a virtual hug. I'm in a similar place - my husband died just over a year ago at 49 years old after 25 years of marriage - and I just want to say you're a great mom, and I have so much love and admiration for your oldest son taking on the burden of guiding his brothers through those milestones of manhood. I also find myself at a loss what to do this Father's Day. My girls don't want to rewatch the memorial slideshow because they said it still makes them too sad. As you said, the picture collages on the walls are getting older and older, and there are no new pictures of dad to add to them. I've signed up for book clubs, yoga lessons, language classes (all cancelled now of course due to Covid) in order to stay busy & distracted, but the idea of "moving on" feels so disloyal. I've finally moved into being able to read again (it took a long time for my ability to deep focus to return), just finished the Saturday Night Widows by Becky Aikman (not bad) and next on my list is The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life After Loss by George Bonanno, which is supposed to be research-based and focused on the idea of resilience. Perhaps I'll find something in there to help me contemplate next steps. I'm an aspiring writer but have been completely creatively frozen since my husband died. I would love to get back to writing, it's so deeply challenging and fulfilling, but I think I'm still avoiding accessing those deep wells of emotion out of fear of the sadness lurking there.

Comment by ChillPenguin on June 17, 2020 at 10:36am

Sorry for your loss sticky245.

This has been a really hard week for me. It's been over a year since my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. And while I know it gets 'easier to live with the grief' as time goes on, this week feels interminable. Like I'm stuck in this rut. Maybe it's because Father's Day is coming, and even though it's not the first father's day my boys will spend without him, it's the first year when they've been completely without him. At least last year they could still recall some of the parenting events they had had together within that Father's Day-to-Father's Day time frame.

Every year for Father's Day I put together a collage of pics from the past year. It was a gift for him to take to his office, pics of the boys, of family, of him, of us. I still made a collage last year, for the rest of the family (his dad, his brothers, etc.) because I had pictures from the previous 11 months of fatherhood. But this year my boys have been entirely fatherless. And when I look at it that way, it becomes unbearably sad. My 18yo taught my 13yo to shave. He's taken the 16yo driving. I've engaged them in home improvement projects, taught them life skills. But it's impossible to encapsulate everything he did for them. 

How do I move on for my own sake while keeping his memory alive for my kids? 

Comment by Mo on June 17, 2020 at 9:59am

Sorry for your loss sticky245. I lost my wife over six years ago. That isolation has hit us all. It’s been helpful to come here and realize that even though it feels that no one can understand what I’m going through, on this site we all understand. I met my wife in college and we had 24 1/2 years and twelve children together. We knew she was dying and had much time to say goodbye and we did. I hear people say if only .... I would’ve done this or that. Well for me I did know and I did take advantage of it but I still find myself mouthing the words ‘if only.....’. Be encouraged and take it one day at a time. We’re all here for you. 

Comment by Sticky245 on June 17, 2020 at 5:37am

My husband and I were born in 72. He died on March 14. He had cancer, but his death was still unexpected. Experts said we had more time. They were wrong.He was healthy, active, ran 5ks, was a good soul, and now he is gone and I'm shattered. We met when we were 15, but did not marry until 30. He was half my world. I'm sorry for anyone that has found their way here. I am really isolated and was hoping to connect to people who get it.

Comment by AandC on June 1, 2020 at 3:50am

@TheEDCZone

Thank you so much once again for your thoughtful words. You always help me on some of my toughest and not so tough days. :) It is nice to be able to share understand each other's feelings. 

Comment by TheEDCZone on May 31, 2020 at 5:06am

Hey @AandC  its tough, I know and the only thing I can tell you and you know as we have had this chat before, and many here say it, is that the pain will get easier and easier to live with, you will never forget but day by day you will be able to rebuild your life. I have had to since I lost Lisa last year on the 24th Jan 2019. I know i saw my loss coming and you didn't and that is a huge thing to come to terms with. I knew I was going to be a Widow there is no hiding from Stage 4 breast cancer and metastatic brain tumours.  Lisa prepared me for the out come as best as she could, telling me back in 2017 a week after being told she was stage 4 in a letter I needed to find someone as I am a very loving person and need that in my life.

For me it is just over 16 months since Lisa passed, in that time I have had to cope with the building of my new house, moving in and selling the old house, dealing with two teenagers and a tweenie and started working full-time again after almost 2 & 1/2 years off work being Lisa's full time carer and then leave it, as well as trying to push my own business. I don't clean the house as often as I like because I look at it and go why... its challenging.

I personally worried couldn't I find someone that would understand me, or would they be able to cope with Lisa's memory, and would they understand and possibly love my three kids, I was scared that I would have no one in my life again, because I missed having her here and being able to talk to her about my day and how i was feeling. I think some Widows miss that so much they jump at a chance to be with someone even if that person just meets a more physical side they miss and it colours your persecution for what that person is there for and their role in their life.

If you have meet a great guy, be honest to yourself and to him, do the dating game, live a little but be up front with your feelings and just take it one day at a time, you don't have to fall in love today or tomorrow, but you will when your heart and mind are at at peace and you feel it to. 

So @AandC you know you can chat with me, I wont hold your hand but I will listen and be there as a sounding board because at the end of the day you have to make the decision in life, stay strong and most of all don't beat yourself up. 

Sending my love and friendship - Jace

Comment by AandC on May 31, 2020 at 4:04am

I haven't written here in quite a while. I have been dealing with the loss of my husband through the waves that hit me sometimes with knowing and sometimes without. It's a struggle day to day to move on and realize that my life does have meaning. Now my worst are the fears and anxiety that builds in me. I am so lonely for companionship. I know to some, this is wrong, but I can't help it. I want and need to feel alive again. The loneliness kills me deeply. I went on dating apps just to talk and met some good men and was up front about my emotional state. Only one in particular caught my attention and heart. But, I think I pushed him away and now I feel I have made myself go backwards in time. This grieving is so painful. I miss my husband dearly and sometimes I just want to go kick his butt for leaving me so early in life. Some days, I wish God would take me after my teenage boys are settled in life as adults, but I know this is not a reality or something I should be thinking. Life is just so hard sometimes. 

Comment by Hillybub on April 30, 2020 at 9:45am

I am reading all these and realizing that as alone as I feel and no one really gets what is happening to me on the inside...I am NOT. Others are living out realities they never could have imagined....I have had a hard time finding others in the middle of their lives being completely blind sided by sudden death and left with children to raise!! I went from having more than I could ever dreamed of and being loved by soulmate perfectly. I woke up every day wondering how I could have been so blessed. But, out of NOWHERE my 44 year old always healthy, athletic beautiful husband developed a painful bloated stomach...a week of that I took him to ER to be told words I am still processing. STAGE 4 Pancreatic Cancer!!! He was gone less than 5 weeks later. It is coming up on a year and I honestly don't even remember this past year...I don't feel human anymore. It is a sickness I have been forced to live with and that sickness is called loosing the love of your life and all the dreams you had and somehow having to go on. I see that I am not the only one waking up like this every day....

Comment by Ji11bean on January 26, 2020 at 11:58am

Hello, lost my hubby Oct 30, 2019. He had been sick for 2 years. But In those two years their were definitely highs. Lots of trips. But, we knew the clock was ticking. stage 4 pancreatic cancer which had spread everywhere. It’s funny, when he actually passed, I was relieved. I truly was. We had two services in two states. I apoke

at each. No problem, I was at peace still. Mainly because we had the opportunity to live and live knowing he would die.  People just kept (and keep!) saying they are in awe of my strength. Now I’ve hit some wall. I feel very alone. Many of the friends we had together, I never hear from. I suspected I would be getting “checked on”, but it doesn’t seem to be. Lives are going on, but mine isn’t. Anyways, just wanted to introduce myself and say how sorry I am that we are all in this boat. I am so glad I found you all, I already feel better just writing this. 

 

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