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Widowed in 2012

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Comment by laurajay on March 18, 2018 at 10:37am

Love  Your Garden     spelling  correction   sorry  bout  that

Comment by laurajay on March 18, 2018 at 10:35am

Thanks Maggie.  I removed  it to send directly  to Frank.  It sounded  too know-it-all  and I did not want to make it seem as if I had all the answers.  Frank  and I have talked  and I know it's very hard to let go of the dreams we had  with our spouses.  I feel isolated  because I cannot get up and go like I used to   but I live  around  people and activity and  places  that could be helpful  during  emergencies.  I am a realist. Passing 70  woke me up  to knowing  if I want  to stay independent  as long as possible  I had to let go of romantic notions of a knight  in shining  armor  and countryside   frolicking as well as pipe dreams.  Thank goodness I write as a hobby  because there  I am free to express my thoughts   without  exceptions.  Yesterday,  I marathon  watched  N etflix  "Love Your Gatden"  and was in total awe.  Then I cried  and cried and cried.  My  husband planted  me a garden  every year.  Sunrise  and sunsets  we  sat in our backyard  under  an apple tree and...sometimes  talked... but often in silence  we watched  the garden grow.  For some reason  letting go of that  experience has been hardest  of all.   It brings  such longing.   We have lost  so much more  than just the person we loved  so long and so well.   I know  I have  depression but  I work  at being aware  it's ok  as long as I keep growing  in understanding.  As long  as love  still manifests itself  in my life....anyway I'm rambling.  LOL   so I'll close.        lj

Comment by Maggie on March 18, 2018 at 4:11am

I don't know where your comment went, LJ, but I agree with you completely. I'm 71 and when I was married that dream of living away from it all in nature would have sounded appealing, but not now. I've discovered how much I like and need to be social and have friends and be close to activities, not to mention good hospitals, etc. 

Isolation is not good for most people and can lead to depression. 

Comment by Frank on March 16, 2018 at 10:01pm

Hi All.

Susan and I grew up in small towns at opposite ends (E/W) of New York State.  She grew up near Albany, and I grew up between Rochester and Buffalo.  She used to say her town was smaller than mine, until I told her we only had one traffic light, flashing yellow, it was in front of the Fire House and turned red when we had a fire. Her town had two.

During our careers she lived in many very large towns.  At one time she worked at Cape Canaveral.  I was stationed in DC, in JAX FL, Memphis TN, San Francisco, and Norfolk..  From there we went to Denver and some other large towns.  After retiring from the navy we worked together, as a team at the management level. At one job we had just one day off a week.  If some of the staff did not come in, then we had to cover for them, and going 14 days with no time off was unfortunately a routine at times.  We decided that we needed to be able to get away from the city and the job on our days off.  We drew a circle of about an hour and a half drive around Denver, discounted anything East of the town, and went looking for property in the mountains.   We found 6 acres, very few two legged neighbors, and no Cell or Pager service (then).  We wanted to get away from the noise, the pollution, and everything that comes with large towns.  

Laura, I cannot picture me moving back into town and facing all that again.  Watching my two cats having a stand off with a doe, nose to nose. Or a bobcat sitting on my deck licking his lips looking at my two cats on the other side of the dual pane 6 foot storm door while they hiss and spit at him, is something that is too precious to have missed.  I have my health, and the distance from here to Denver keeps the kids time to grow without my oversight.  We get together for holidays, and my one son comes up in between semesters.  

I did notice an ad for singles, widows \widowers something to do with farming (LOL)  Just maybe, there is a widow, who wants to get out of the rat race... Would like to play bingo once in a while at the community center, wants to start or continue her own business over the Internet. Enjoys hiking, or walks along the country roads, staring up at a night sky filled with more stars than they could have imagined, or would stand out on the deck with the temperature of 32 degrees watching huge snowflakes falling and actually hear them falling through the pine needles of the trees (they make a shooosh sound.)  if someone is out walking folks who are driving will stop and chat in the middle of the road.  Folks wave to each other and smile as they pass.  On my road, I may see or hear one car go by during the day.  I sleep with the windows open a couple of inches (to keep the cats in) during the spring, summer, and fall. 

Who knows.  If it is the Lord's will?



Comment by laurajay on March 16, 2018 at 4:14pm

I often  think  we are somewhat free to determine our own destiny.  You were a care giver  so many years it is understandable why you have frequently  written about  dating/new man in your senior years. If  your heart  still wants this stay open to deserve it.     Company of friends is pleasant but  for me not a substitute.  A lot of them  also move or die as we age  I have found.  Moving  body and moving  soul  and mindful  thinking  are the most  helpful to me but  aging  eventually lessens abilities so activity  changes  as well  and having  been active  that truth feels a might bit sad.  I think  I am also  weary  because  I do not  enjoy doing all the things that my husband took care off  and no money for a handyman.   Keep on healing  Sue.  I keep you in my prayers.    God is good.     hugs   lj

Comment by only1sue on March 16, 2018 at 1:57pm

Laurajay, I too am weary of going on alone but not all of us are destined to find a new love so we need to keep active, find a range of things to do and make the most of the time we have. I have become even more aware of that during my time of convalescent,  and I  will make the most of the extended life I have been given. I do still miss Ray agnd always knew no-one could replace him. But I have learned the importance of good friends and will try to make enjoying their company my substitute for a new partner.

Comment by Timelord on March 16, 2018 at 9:54am

@laurajay - thank you for your beautiful comments.  You said the "intimate nurture of body and soul."  I...more than ever...feel...know...believe...that this comes along truly once during our time on earth.  I know I've got a long way to go...but I also know (and perhaps unlike you I do find nuggests of "wisdom" in fiction :-) that perhaps this is it.  It is what it is.  And we'll see.

My only plan is that if "all goes well" (and we know how that can be) in 11 years I'm done with mortgage and can live on SS alone and (if I stay where I am now for another 2 years and 8 months) I'll get a pension also, which will be MORE than enough for me.  Just to make it to 62.  At least at 60 for two years I'll get my late wife's SS for till I turn 62.

Just 11 more years...

Comment by laurajay on March 16, 2018 at 9:30am

only1Sue.  Not looking for any kind of new  love!  Decided  couple of years  ago  I do not  want the compromise, sacrifice  or responsibility of falling in love  or having  an relationship with a new man  as I know you have  been looking for.  I want no care giving  because my well husband died  suddenly with no reason after 44yr  and I would  not chance a  late in life relationship that would have  complications.  As for making the most of our time left as seniors...I have stopped driving  as I can no longer afford  car upkeep or insurance.  My health allows me to take care  of my home and self but not much more  any longer.  If I push  I become  overwhelmed and ill.  I make due.  I  have come to believe  I am still here  for my grandchildren to nurture  them  and set an example.  

Timelord.  So sorry  for your money  struggles.  You are probably  20 yrs younger than me  and 40ford  and only1Sue and Maggie. You have  so many more yrs ahead of you being in your 50's. I pray you  find  joy and peace.  I do  not like sci fi  and steer  away from it all.  I admit  I once  googled  Movies with widows  or widowers  and watched  everyone on Netflix  or  Amazon.  Our  stories  are all so different from the movies .

Maggie,  I get it.  I have NO desire  to die or leave here  just yet.  My life will never be the same  but I still  find beauty  and truth  and joy in life. I still really enjoy learning  new things  and discovering  more everyday.  For me, my husband  was my best friend  but we did not parallel all of our interests  like railroad  tracks.  We had incredible  meeting of the minds  and complemented  one another  by sharing  differences-  it  was wonderful.  I loved  his  sage views  on life.  He was the positive  to my  often  negative  and questioning  ideas.  God I miss that.  That  intimate  nurture  of body and  soul  that a fruitful  long marriage  brings to life is  simply once in a lifetime.  It's knowing  that  being alone  growing old  will not have  that well established  and  worked  for presence  of  someone  who truly cared  and loved you so long that  keeps grief  tugging  at your heart.    I was in a very different place when my loss  happened.  Since then,  there have been many more losses.  Earthly  life is finite.  I get that too.  I just  want a  little more frolic time  and a few more delightful  surprises  and I want  to show " alone " is not a  death  sentence~  just a different  path.   BTW  Frank,  if you happen by to also read  this..wanted  to comment on  your blog.  You have reached  your  alone  awareness but now  you are facing  the challenge  of  thinking if it is  even possible for you to be where you could meet a new  woman/friend.  Living so isolated  you have  to have the mindset  that your  dream with your wife to build and live  your  retirement  where  you are now might  not be acceptable to someone new who in senior years does not want living in isolation. Food for  thought for sure.

Love u all for responding to my post. Thank you.  lj  

Comment by 40ford on March 16, 2018 at 4:35am

Laurajay, your comment is EXACTLY how I now feel. I am now pushing 6 years and it might as well have been last week. I also keep waiting and hoping for some sign or direction to take.

Comment by Timelord on March 16, 2018 at 4:15am

@laurajay and @only1sue and @maggie...for me, there is a great sense of unreality...I'm struggling emotionally often times, and frankly, being the only parent financially really crushing.  Daughter is in public uni, but even with max loans even with her little job on campus, it's still $8,000/year that I have to pay.  Two more years left, but it's severely hard...and very stressful.  She truly doesn't understand why Daddy doesn't have money.  But stuff is expensive.  Still sending a bit of money to my son too, although he's been working since he was 16.

It's just hard alone.

...I found a new show on Netflix from Spain (it's sci fi so it's "must watch" for me) - it's subtitled - it's called El Ministerio del Tiempo - Ministry of Time - at any rate, one of the main characters is a widow in his late thirties and despite the "rules" he goes back in time to visit with his is REALLY good and a really great depiction of a widow.  Thing is, he has a "one night stand" in one episode, with a really nice young woman, and he has massive guilt the next morning.  Quite rudely, he tells her to get out.   Then he goes back in time and spends the day...and night...with his wife...I truly know how he felt...more ways than one...


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